Where did He go and why
Now it was on a day that the twelve of us were on our way to Jerusalem, that He took me to the side and said: “Simon Peter, listen to what is going on in the days ahead, I have prayed for you, and you will be alright.”
At this time we were all much closer to the Lord than we had been in previous years, and I still wasn’t sure if calling me to the side was a reprimand or that I might still be the favorite disciple of Jesus’, but in the days to come, it had become very obvious.
It had taken more than a few days to travel to the holy city, and on this particular day, with the sky portrayed in two-tones of gray, and the mountains barely visible because of the humidity hanging in the air; that it began to rain. It seemed down-hill to Jerusalem, and as the sands were saturated, the smooth rocks slippery, it was not an easy task to travel by day, and on occasion we walked at night. There was no thunder, but the sky seemed dark enough to have it, for one couldn’t tell what position the sun was in, so the time of day only had to be guessed at.
He had begun to speak with us in a different way. His tone was different, but the same, His demeanor was slightly altered, but then again, it was just like Jesus. Anyway, I thought something was different, but couldn’t really tell what it was. Judas and I were close friends, and he thought that he too saw a variance in His manner, but like me, couldn’t put his finger on it.
After two or three more hours of walking, still traveling down-hill and still raining, and just before we were to enter into the flat country, Jesus asked if we would like to stop at this out-cropping ledge of a cliff, maybe some fifteen feet tall. It was like a cave, and probably had not rained inside of it in the eons of time, so all set and rested next to a small spring that seeped from the rocks. It had eroded out a small bowl shape where the water was trapped before running off down the cliff, where it seemed to evaporate to nothing before reaching the bottom, for there was no sign of a trail imprinted into the ground. After a short period He again continued speaking to us about the days to come. He spoke of love, joy, hatred from the world, He spoke again on the true vine, but what caught my attention the most was when He talked of the Helper, the Comforter that is to come.
Jesus talked and it made sense, but I continued to struggle in my understanding of what he was referring to. The commotion of my confusion kept going on in my head, and many times wanted Him to clarify, but again, it was like I did understand. And, in truth, I didn’t. Thinking Jesus was our helper, but He spoke of another. What could this mean? I kept asking myself, were we to have this man and maybe another leader also? Anyway, my mind was going in circles and going fast.
“But when the Helper comes, whom I shall send to you from the Father, the Spirit of Truth who proceeds from the Father, He will testify of me. And you also will bear witness, because you have been with me from the beginning. They will put you out of the assemblies; yes the time is coming…”
Since my youth I had always waited on the king (the messiah), and his army to come to Judea and conquer the Romans, and thought maybe this is what was being spoken about in referring to the helper. And again Jesus spoke.
“A little while, and you will not see me, and again a little while you will see me, because I go to the Father.” And again we talked amongst ourselves of what He meant by a ‘little while’. The looks that we gave one another went from a down-cast expression of bewilderment to a hope of better things coming. As for me, I was sticking with the theory of putting together an army. But what he explained, nobody knew. Yes, no one knew what these words meant, but again, we were afraid to ask.
“Are you inquiring amongst yourselves of what I said? Most assuredly I say to you, that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice.”
If He thought that He was clarifying; He wasn’t. This seemed to only bring about a greater misunderstanding, we, especially me, didn’t have clue of what He was talking about, but all knew it was to be important. By this time in our conversation it wasn’t looking as if making war with an army against the Romans was what was being talked about, but who knows? I stuck with my theory.
I loved this man, and my affection toward Him cannot be understood nor explained, it was real. Something about the way He could hold my attention, it felt like power was in His words, and I was glued to His very being. I seemed to be getting closer in our relationship, and somehow knew that the time of understanding would come, and I was going to be there. Struggles was not something new to me, for all my life I had to work at what was wanted, and as a surety, I wasn’t going to quit on this opportunity to find that inner peace that was ever longed for.
As long as I continued to be within reach of Jesus, it seemed to go well, that is as long as I kept my mouth shut. But when he didn’t walk among us, or was out of reach, even for a moment, things didn’t really go that well.
The next morning the rain had stopped, but the clouds still hung low. The air was filled with a mist that one could not tell where the sky had ended and the mountains began. There was a heaviness in the air, but more than normal, the birds were singing and the many critters were shuffling to and fro, but we all, at a slow pace continued to the holy city.
He said things that weren’t spoken before, and none of us was accustomed in thinking in that direction, but we all knew He had something to say, and I wanted to be close by. He spoke of ‘good times’ ahead, but there was to be several periods of ‘course times’ ahead also. I thought I was ready for anything that could be thrown at me, and wanted desperately to grow and understand, and knew that this man Jesus had the answer. This seemed to be the fulfillment of the void that continuously filled my soul from my early days as a youth. So one part of me was still bewildered, but the other side of me, was excited to be set free.
In the days and weeks, past and present, after hearing Jesus talk on many subjects such as the Way, Truth and Life, the indwelling of the Father within us, the promise of the helper, love and joy, and so many other matters, He then mostly consulted on going to Jerusalem and the hatred many had towards Him. This was a time I think he wanted all of us to be near Him, for His demeanor was changing, not that anything was wrong, but there was a sort of sadness in the air, but it was still pleasant to be around Him, only a slight notice of change was detected. At one time we were told that all of us were to be scattered, and that didn’t sit very well, but Jesus spent a lot of His time expressing great love for us, and the several others that followed, so we were not worried a great deal, but still concerned.
We still had no real Idea of what was to happen, especially me, but because of the love from this man, and genuine caring that flowed from Him, we were all becoming more and more attached and devoted. Calling us disciples was a true statement, for in every sense of the word, we were students.
All day we had been walking towards Jerusalem, and now it was dark as we came to the very outskirts of the city. The rain had long stopped, the air was crisp; the stars out in exceptional beauty, and the flicker of light could be seen in the city on occasion, depending how you moved your head, as we set to rest. Matthew had built a small fire, flat bread was all we had left to eat, but it was enough. The ground was smooth with only an infrequent clump of grasses, and a sporadic cedar tree here and there, and the atmosphere was somber, but all of us rested while listening about the things that are to come. Jesus spoke about the hatred that the world has toward him, as they, in their lack of understanding and indifference in accepting Him, but those that could hear, with ears that could hear, would know Him in all truth when the comforter came, and He continued to teach us of the soon coming Holy Spirit.
You’d think by now that I could have had at least a small smidgen of understanding about the Holy Spirit, but in truth, I did not. I knew that spirit was an unknown force, but had no perception of who or what the Holy Spirit was, especially acceptance of an indwelli
ng Spirit. Sometimes I’d look at one of the others and shrug my shoulders, and at other times one or two of them would look at me and do the same. It was obvious none of us comprehended what was said, and I know for a fact I didn’t, but something was penetrating in the depth of my soul, maybe even deeper than that, that the acceptance of the impression given to us hid within.
There were many moments of silence, I think to give us time to digest this new information, and not always was this time spent meditating. We were men, we were somber, and all wanted to understand, but at times I caught myself watching shooting stars rather than contemplating on these true meanings.
As the waxing moon just began to break the horizon in the east, all was quiet, and we settled in for a nights rest.
It was early on a Tuesday when all awoke and began to stir, for this was the day before, the season of Passover, and I asked him how and where we were to prepare. For now, in early spring, was the time that all the Jews prepared for the yearly High Sabbath, it was this time they celebrated the Sabbath twice in the same week. Maybe I wasn’t exact on my attendance on the everyday affairs of the temple and all the rites of our fathers, but Passover was one event that was never missed.
As we continued walking at a slow pace I could tell that Jesus’ demeanor was once again deepening, for there were times when a small trickle of a tear could be seen sliding down His face. He resumed His teaching us in parables, and once in a while another was healed; but still, we had little if any appreciation of what He spoke concerning this trip into Jerusalem.
The Passover room was supplied and prepared, and I was somewhat looking forward to this time of feast with Him. Not long after we’d all gathered, while Judas and I speculated on the events that would happen, Jesus too came and sat, but had another worried look on His face, but He was smiling at each of us, and gave hugs to all. The person that Jesus is, will not, and cannot ever change, he may show concern, but His direction never alters.
It wasn’t all that long into the supper that he said one of us would betray Him, and now the twelve of us had a look of stupor written in our faces. I was, or so I thought, a strong man, a man in the making, but also realized that I had good intentions but at times couldn’t back them up. The depth of His words cut deep inside of me, and I was surely worried that maybe I was the one that could betray Him. Thoughts ran profound, as I searched within to see if I could do such of a thing like this, it was unsettling. More than once I had stuck my own foot down my throat, and it wasn’t going to happen again, so after a song was sung and things got a little quieter, I said to Him privately: “Even if all are made to stumble, yet I will not.”
I said this, not that I really believed it, but in hopes of speaking the proclamation; that I would believe. He smiled real big, put His arm across both of my shoulders, pulled me up close and said; assuredly, on this night, that I would deny Him three times before the morning cock shall crow. It was evident that Jesus loved me, even with the pain showing in His facial expression, he genuinely cared, and that was obvious.
Looking Christ straight in the eye, all I could do was weep. With no understanding of why I would deny Him, that was out of my range of thinking, and I didn’t, in the least bit, at this point, believe that would happen. My friend Judas had left us a little earlier, I heard the Lord telling him to get the job done quickly, and he then rushed off. Maybe I had a thought of also leaving, but instead joined the others. There wasn’t much laughter at this point, but each had his own opinion of the seriousness of the evening, and again, no consensus was derived so we each settled in to a melancholy of watching the fire as it burned in the pit.
It was some time later that Jesus came and asked all to go with Him to the garden and pray. Without a word spoken, our little group stood and walked out through the night air. It was still cool for this time of the year, the air still, and a ripple of clouds could be seen from the near-full moon in the sky overhead. We walked, it wasn’t far, and not a word did any speak, until Jesus asked us to sit, but He took the two sons of Zebedee and me to walk a little farther with Him. It was not far and we were just out of sight of the others when Jesus stopped and said with a crackling voice of someone in great distress; “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, stay here and watch”, and He slowly walked a distance beyond the trees. We three sat, me leaning against a sycamore tree that had grown at about a thirty degree slant toward the dark of the night, and James and John rested with their backs against a large smooth boulder. The long miles each had walked these past weeks was taxing to each of us, the tiredness went all the way to the bone, so leaning back resting and the quiet of the early evening took its’ toll in the form of sleep.
It didn’t seem long before Jesus had returned and tap my feet to wake me up; “are you sleeping? Could not you even stay awake and watch one hour? Watch and pray, for your spirit is willing, but not your flesh.” This was spoken to me, for John and Andrew were still asleep sitting on the ground, legs stretched, and leaning against the large rocks. It was sometime later that small sounds were heard, and once I even thought that my name was called, but sleep was heavy upon me, and maybe it was just a dream, if in fact He did return, I wouldn’t have known. But again, I heard the same small sounds, and the same voice whispering my name, and although sleep was still weighty upon me, I opened my eyes to see, if indeed, I was a dreaming, but instead Jesus stood before me. He was standing almost straddling my legs, His arms folded across His chest, and His face wet with tears, and trickles of what looked as blood on the robe beneath His chin, and He spoke in a much louder voice. “Are you all still sleeping?” He said loud enough to wake up the three of us and maybe anyone else that was within a stones’ throw. “Rise, let us be going, see, I have been betrayed.”
Now, the way I see it, is that the twelve of us, a couple more of the long time followers, had become very close in heart and soul, maybe call us best of friends. And, at this point thought that perhaps I still might be the leader of the group of us, but was having serious doubts, but couldn’t shake off the time that He looked me straight in the eye and said; “Peter, follow me.” That was a look and feeling that had never possessed me ‘til that day, and I’ll never forget the power in it. So though doubtful, I still attempted to maintain my being as a leader. Judas Iscariot and I had become very close friends, as close as James and John were, which I had known most of my life, and thought Judas to be next in line as the leader of the twelve, in the case I failed. At this time and place in the middle of the night, Judas still had not come back, and was thinking at this point that I wished him to be with us. If Jesus is going to be betrayed, we all had to stand together, the twelve as one.