Chapter 20
Sis was lying on her quilt, wrapped in her old yellow bathrobe. She smiled with relief and got up to meet me at her door. She took the bag with one hand and wrapped the other around my back. Pulling me close, she kissed me on the good cheek. It felt nice on my cheek and in my heart. Then I remembered how pointless it was.
I retreated to my room, and stared at the sloop design. I decided the proportions were all wrong. From my desk, I saw Jess go to and from the bathroom, and then heard her go down to the laundry room, where she started the drier. I picked up Captains Courageous, but found myself reading the same paragraph over and over. The words wouldn’t go into my head; they just stayed on the page.
I gave up and lay back on my bed. I had so many questions.
She really must have panicked! How could she fall? She was the most coordinated person I knew. All that martial arts training... Why did she call for me? Jessie was normally so independent. Why didn’t she just wait for me to get out of the bathroom? You’d think that jumping in the shower, in front of a boy – especially her brother – would be the last thing a girl wanted to do on her “special day.” I guess it was nice to think that she felt that safe with me, that she’d trusted me so instinctively.
Even if she had seen my robe open, I knew we weren’t even. I tried to imagine how she must have felt.
The only male equivalent I could imagine was my first ejaculation. I mean, I knew it would happen, but not that it would happen then, and it did startle me. I even yelled, but at least nobody was home at the time. I don’t think I’d have called for Jessie. Well, then again, if it was blood coming out of me...
But why did I have to get an erection when I saw her like that? I mean, sure, it happens all the time, and I have no control over it. But why’d it have to be that moment? Was it just the worst possible timing? Or maybe it was the adrenalin. No, I liked looking at her and I really liked seeing her body. Ugh. Why’d I have to like it? Was I turned on by the situation? Yes, I had to admit. I’m weird. I’m sick. I was in love with her and she was beautiful. And now it was more than love.
And that moment of awe when our eyes met – it clung to me. I wished I could ask her if she felt it, too.
Einstein mocked me from the wall.
“Yeah, I know Al. Mom really got me all screwed up.”
Dad always called us around six on his dinner break. That night, as usual, he asked if I’d finished all my homework, if I’d shoveled the sidewalk, and if there were any problems. “You two are getting along?”
“Yeah, I did it, and yes, we’re getting along just fine, no problems.” I smiled at Jessie and she smiled back.
“Okay, I love you son – I’ll look in on you tonight. You can put your sister on now.”
“Hi, Daddy. Yeah, I’m good. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, right. No, no problems. And then...”she glanced at the hamper by the stairs. “...later we did laundry. No, I forgot to clean the fridge... I’ll do it tonight. Yes, okay. Right after I get off the phone.” She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I promise.”
“What do you mean? Nothing’s going on with me.” Her face was turning red. “No, I’m fine. Really.” She covered the receiver and whispered, “Cory! What am I supposed to say?”
“Go ahead and tell him. You can’t stall – you’ll just piss him off.”
She waved me away like a fly. “I know, Daddy, it’s just...” I gave her the thumbs up to encourage her. “It’s that I, uh... It’s just that I had my first period today. Thank you, Daddy. Yes, I’m fine. Yeah, really. No, don’t call Aunt Mel – I don’t... Please.”
Jessie rolled her eyes again and clenched her fist. “No, please. I’m sure, I’m all set; Cory went to the store for me. Yeah, really. Yeah. I’m sure, thanks though. Okay, I will. I love you, too.”
She turned to me. “How does he do that?” she hissed. I shrugged – I don’t know how, but Dad always knew when something was up, and he wouldn’t let it go until the truth came out. “He wants to talk to you again.”
“Yeah, Dad?”
“I just wanted to thank you for taking care of your sister. Most guys wouldn’t have the guts to go to the store. That was above and beyond the call of duty. Especially with Mrs. Miller there! I’m proud of you, Son.”
I guess I always knew he was proud of me, but he usually didn’t say it out loud. This was pretty high praise, and it made me feel good. “Thanks, Dad. Actually, I went to Drugco instead.”
“Oh, good. I’m glad you did that.” We chuckled together. You always knew if he approved of someone or not, but he never said anything bad about anyone.
“Hey Dad, what does ‘mensch’ mean?”
“It’s German for ‘human being’, why?”
“Someone called me a mensch today. I think they were making fun of me.”
“Oh, no that’s a good thing. In Yiddish it means a man of integrity and honor, a good, decent guy. It was a great compliment.”
“Oh, cool. That’s nice, thanks Dad.”
“You’re welcome; I have to get back to work. Make sure Jess goes to bed. She might need extra rest. I know you’re into that new design, so go and have fun. I’ll see you later if you’re still up, okay?”
That was unusual. I think he just gave me permission to stay up late on a school night. I wasn’t sure if it was a reward, or if maybe he wanted me to stay up so we could talk. Sometimes Jessie or I would have our private conversations with him when he got back at night. “Okay Dad. I love you, too – be careful driving home.”
I hung up the phone, and Jessie eyed me suspiciously. “What were you two laughing about?” I grinned, trying to conceal my glee. “He said that Mrs. Miller is a nosy old bat with a big mouth and not enough sense to keep it shut.”
“Oh my God! He didn’t!”
“Well... not exactly in those words, but he sure seemed relieved that I went downtown.” I tried to keep a straight face, but once I started snickering I couldn’t stop. Jessie gave in and laughed until she could barely breathe.
She looked surprised when I reached out and gave her a hug.
“What’s that for?”
“I’m proud of you, Sis – for telling Dad. There’s no way that was easy.”
“It’s not like I had much choice, but thanks for the encouragement. You really are an angel, you know. It’s so cool. I love that you ran to take care of me, and that you went to the store for me. I’m sure that’s not something you really wanted to do. Come here,” she said, holding out her arms.
We hugged each other again, for what seemed like half an hour, though it probably wasn’t even half a minute. She put one hand on the back of my head and pulled me close, but not too hard. I could feel through our tee shirts that she still wasn’t wearing a bra; her tiny nipples felt firm against me. I wrapped my arms around her and held her gently. This was nice, and she seemed in no hurry to let go.
This was not helping my situation at all. It made my pulse race. I slid my hands up her back, avoiding the shoulder blades, which I knew were ticklish. She put her lips by my ear and whispered, “Thank you, Cory. For everything.”
We looked in each other’s eyes again and it was jolting. I desperately wanted to say something, but she suddenly seemed nervous. Instead, I kissed her on the forehead. “I love you, Sis.”
Jessie wiped out the refrigerator while I reheated the pan of lasagna Dad left thawing for us. We hardly said anything while we ate. When we were done, she asked if I’d mind cleaning up.
“Thanks, I’m tired. It’s early, but I think I’ll go lie down for a while.”
“I understand, Sis, that’s fine.”
She gave me her cute smile, the one that melts me, and she kissed me again. On the neck, just below my ear. It was slow and tender, not a quick peck, and it tickled. Not like any kiss I’d ever gotten. My heart was a jackhammer in my ears.
She whispered, right in my ear. “I love you, Cory.”
This was what I craved more than anything
on earth. I felt a flash of rage at Mom over what she had done to me.
Jessie released me and looked at the floor. “Um, there’s no desert. I ate your candy bars. I’m sorry.”
“Those were for you. The lady at Drugco said you might want them.”
She gave me a smile that made her eyes twinkle, and headed down the hall with the laundry basket.
“Cory?” she said as she reached her doorway.”
“What, Sis?”
She looked down. “Uh, never mind.”
I cleaned up and put the leftovers in the refrigerator. It was hard to stand still.
Back in my room, I picked up the books and refilled my backpack. Questions crowded in my head again. Why’d she kiss me like that? I knew that it made my heart pound, but I had no idea what it meant to her. Was she just really appreciative, or had the situation affected her, too?
Just thinking of it made me hard again. I wanted to relieve myself, but couldn’t risk Jessie hearing me. That’d definitely be creepy. So I adjusted to make myself less uncomfortable. I couldn’t even go and close my bedroom door – she’d know. Would she, or am I paranoid now? I’d just have to wait a couple hours until bedtime. I knew how my fantasy would go, too.
As if to confirm my unease, I heard her in her room. Through the wall, I made out the sound of dresser drawers opening and closing, then silence.
I still had to explain about the laws and stuff. I thought of calling Daniel, but decided I was just procrastinating. This wouldn’t be any easier tomorrow, so I’d better give it a shot.
I peeked into her room. She was leaning back against the headboard, reading a magazine. “I left the change on the dresser with your belt,” I said.
“I found it, thanks.”
I inhaled deeply and said, “Can we talk?”
She laid the magazine aside and sat up, hugging her knees. She squinched her eyes and words just started pouring out.
“Cory, I’m so sorry, I just freaked out, you know? I don’t know why, I was scared and needed to... I just... I knew that you...”
Sitting down on the edge of the bed, I put my hand on her slim shoulder, like Dad did when we were upset. “Hush, that’s not it, not what I want to talk about. I think we were both pretty embarrassed, but I’m glad you called for me.”
“You were, wait – what?”
“You can always count on me, Sis, you’re safe, you’re fine. You never have to be scared of anything with me.”
She relaxed her posture a little. “You’re serious, aren’t you?” I nodded. “And seeing me like that...”
I tried to change the subject. “And I’m glad that you... that you knew I’d help you.” She unfolded her body, now sitting cross-legged on the quilt. She leaned forward. “Really? But didn’t it gross you out?”
“It, um, surprised me. I didn’t know what to think at the time, but it’s cool. You and I are fine.” She looked relieved. She was blushing again, but my face felt warm, too. “Can I ask you something?” She nodded. I wanted to know if she felt that lightning bolt. I especially wanted to ask about that kiss on the neck, but I chickened out. “Why’d it scare you?”
“Huh. I don’t know. I kind of knew it was coming soon. You know, someday? But I wasn’t ready. Maybe I was in denial. I don’t want to go through this every month for the next thirty years.”
“I can’t blame you.”
“I wish Mom was here.” This was probably when most girls would want their mother. It hadn’t occurred to me that losing Mom might’ve hit Jess deeper in some ways. Now a tear rolled down her face and onto her shirt, and seeing her like that made me want to cry.
“Maybe you should call...” I began, but then couldn’t think of any women she’d be willing to talk with.
She nodded. “I couldn’t think of anyone, either. Aunt Mel? Please. I might as well call Aunt Oona.” We both smiled at that. “I called Beth. But that’s probably not what you wanted to talk about.”
There was a pause between us. She blushed deeply and said, “I’m sorry that you... I’m embarrassed that you saw so much.”
It took me a second to realize what she meant. Then I laughed, and she started to giggle. That made me snicker and set her off anew. She looked like she was about to fall over and I grabbed her arm to steady her. When we finally caught our breath, her cheeks were flaming caramel pink.
“It’s been a while,” I admitted.
“I wasn’t scared or upset,” she explained, “not about that. Being so... visible was, um, very interesting. I’m just sorry if I embarrassed you.” She wiped the back of her arm across her face, which had started returning to its normal shade. My face, however, felt like it was on fire all the way up my ears. So either she hadn’t noticed… Or was she just being polite?
“Did you...” I started to say, but backtracked. “Yeah, it was pretty – interesting for me, too, seeing you in a – different way.” Her mouth dropped open and she drew back her hand as if she’d slap me. “No, no, I don’t mean, like, anything crude. I mean so, uh, grown up and...” Her eyebrows lifted, wondering where I was going with this. “...so pretty.”
I could tell that it caught her totally off guard. Her mouth stayed half-open but her raised hand slumped back on the bed. She studied my face. “Are you messing with me?”
“Huh? No, of course not. What do you mean?”
She shrugged. “I guess you’d have to say that because you’re my brother.”
“What? That you’re pretty? Being your brother has nothing to do with it, and you know it. Harrad – next door? He calls Janna means things all the time. He’s her brother but he calls her a pig; he says she’s fat, even ugly.”
Then a thought came to me. “Why? Did he say something to you? If he told you something like that I’ll straighten him out.” I was surprised at the bite in my voice, how I suddenly sounded like Dad. That wild protectiveness he had for Mom, I had for Jessie.
“Wait, Cory. It’s not like that. Harrad’s fine – he never said anything – though I hate the way he talks to Janna.” I nodded. “It’s just... I hear guys at school saying, like, ‘Ooo, she’s a babe,’ or, ‘She’s hot.’ You know? Nobody ever says that about me.”
“Well, they’d better not harass you,” I growled, still in bull mode. “Besides, I think you’re...”
“I know, cute. You tell me all the time. It’s not the same thing.” She looked like she might cry again.
“I was going to say beautiful.”
“Seriously? You think I’m beautiful?”
“Yeah, definitely. I always, I mean... You are. You’re stunning.”
“Cory, be straight with me.”
“For real. Like oh-my-God gorgeous. Sure, as a kid you were always cute. But I can’t think of you as a little kid anymore, or as just cute. You’re, like, take-my-breath-away beautiful.”
“You’re just trying to make me feel better.” She wiped her face with her arm again. “...but it’s working. I like that you think I’m beautiful, even if I’m not so sure.” She smiled a little. “Too bad nobody else thinks so.”
“Then that’s their loss; nobody knows you like I do. And besides, none of those guys have ever seen you...” I shouldn’t have started that sentence. Crap, I can’t say naked, I thought. The pause was painful and getting longer. “...like I have.” That wasn’t much better, and I think that I visibly winced.
“In the nude?” she clarified, punching me in the arm. That lightened the mood. She added slyly, “You liked it, didn’t you?”
“Yeah,” I admitted, grinning sheepishly, “I’d go skinny-dipping with you again in a heartbeat.”
I thought I saw “me too" in her eyes.