On the outskirts of Green Bay, we pulled into the parking lot of a big chain drug store.
“So what’d you need my help picking up?”
“What do you think we’re getting?”
I sat there clueless until...
“Oh my God, no.” I cringed. “Why’d we have to come all the way here?”
“It gave us time to talk. Why? Did you want to go to Miller’s Market? It’s just blocks from home, and Mrs. Miller is such a nice lady, and so talkative. She just chats with everybody. I’m sure she’d be delighted if we went there instead. Or we could go to Shopko. I could help you pick some out.”
A chill went down my spine, making my shoulders twitch. “Okay, you made your point Dad.”
“Come on then.”
I looked around the lot – not many cars. At least the place wasn’t jammed with people. He handed me some bills.
“Why so much?”
“You’ll see”
“I had no idea they’d be so expensive.”
He grabbed a cart and headed for the health and beauty aids section, family planning aisle.
It was a bigger display than I’d expected.
“Don’t look at me,” he said, “This is the part you need to do.”
I hesitated.
“Afraid you’ll get caught?”
Yes, but I realized that was silly.
“Wait, this’s legal, right? You’re not contributing to the delinquency of a minor, are you?”
“No, it’s legal.” I still hesitated. “Next time you’re going to have to do this alone, but today I’ve got your back. If we get company, I’ll give you a heads-up. You might decide to look for deodorant – it’s right behind you.” I glanced at both sides of the aisle. I felt ridiculous.
One of the packages said “Large” and another read “Snug Fit”. After some deliberation, I decided snug would probably be appropriate. I put it in the cart, relieved that was over with.
“Good.”
“Cool. Can we go now?”
“Well, I’m thinking that it’s a long drive here, not one I’d want to make very often. You should get more, several kinds.”
“Why would I want so many? They do have a shelf life, right?”
“You can’t reuse them, and it’s not as if they cost a fortune. Not compared to having a kid, at least. I’d much rather have you throw them out when they expire than ever hesitate to use one. And for now I want you to practice with as many as it takes to be confident. You know, figure out what you like.”
“Dad!” I hissed, “We’re not alone in the truck now!”
He lowered is voice.
“Oh sorry.”
He pointed to a package of lube-free. What the hell, I thought, I’ll try them all. I took six boxes of different kinds and sizes from the rack, and even threw a tube of lubricant in the cart. Dad nodded his approval.
It looked like we were off to spend a week at a brothel.
In the next aisle, he helped me pick out a razor. It wasn’t like I’d need that anytime soon, but it was kind of manly and cool.
Instead of heading for the registers, he turned the cart toward the housewares section. Now what? He picked up a box of small, black trashcan liners.
“What are those for?”
“The wastebasket in your room. The regular ones, when they’re out in the trash, you can see right through them.” I was duly impressed; he had this all planned out.
“Now go scout yourself a register. Preferably a male; the older, the better.”
The second lane was perfect. The man at the till had white hair and a friendly face. I turned around, but Dad had left the cart with me and disappeared. Scanning the area, I saw him on the far side of the checkout, waiting for me. Oh, okay, I get the full experience.
The cashier was totally unfazed; I may as well have been buying TV dinners. “Paper or plastic?” he asked. Latex, I thought.
“Paper, please.” At least that’s opaque. I survived the ordeal, and Dad looked pleased.