Still awake at five in the morning, I got up and dressed. I left a note for Dad and biked down the dark dirt roads and two-tracks to the beach where we used to camp. A few new cottages dotted the shoreline now, but it was quiet this early.
I sat and watched the sun rise over the bay, frantically trying to make my brain think. Nothing came to me. I figured I’d just stay there all day and try to figure it out. In other words, hide out like a chicken.
I needed to talk to Daniel, but it was three hours earlier in Colorado. It would have to wait.
When the sun cleared the Garden Peninsula, I heard bike tires behind me. I stood and turned to see Jessie bathed in the golden morning light.
“I should have known you’d want to come here,” she said. “This is the perfect place.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s where we said ‘I do’. I brought us a blanket to lie on, but it’s too open here by the beach. Let’s go back in the trees, but not too far. I want to feel the sun and the breeze on my skin when you make love to me.”
Oh my God! Every cell in my body flooded with adrenalin again and my resolution evaporated. For a moment I stood in the sand, my heart torn. Maybe we could hide it. Maybe it would be okay. Maybe I didn’t care what happened tomorrow… Just this one time…
But I did care. This was going to be so bad.
“You came here thinking we’d have sex?”
“Duh. Don’t tease me Cory. This is all I’ve thought about for months.”
She reached for my hand, but I turned away. I couldn’t look at her.
“Nothing’s going to happen, Sis.”
“Don’t play with me. I know you want this as much as I do.”
“I’m not playing.”
“Then come on. I can’t wait…”
“I said nothing’s going to happen.”
“Are you nervous? It’s okay, I understand. Don’t be afraid; you won’t hurt me or scare me.”
“Jessie…”
“What’s wrong? I don’t get it…”
I was overwhelmed with a wave of agony and frustration, which came out as rage. I whirled to face her again.
“Are you crazy? You know I could go to prison for life, don’t you? For life! Is that what you want?”
“No! Of course not! But no one else will know.”
“Oh, get real. And when your friends ask you why you’re so giddy?”
“I don’t know…”
“…and when they see the way you’d look at me? Do you really think you could hide that?”
“Okay, probably not, but…”
“But what? But you don’t care? You’d risk me going to prison just to get fucked in the woods? How selfish are you?”
“Don’t say it like that!” She reached for me and I backed away from her a step. “I want you to be my first, my only. I came here to give myself to you.”
“But I don’t want you.”
“You are such a liar! Why are you being like this?”
“Like what? Rational?”
“Cory, It’s okay. We’re married. In our hearts, in front of God.”
“Yeah, I know.” My voice started to break. “Some marriages don’t last.”
“What? What are you talking about?” She grabbed my arm.
We stared at each other. The moment seemed to last forever. Waves lapped against the beach, gulls called from the rocks. I pushed her hand away.
“It’s over Jess.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean between us. It’s over.”
“What? You’re breaking up with me?”
“That’s what over means.”
“But I love you! I want…”
A fresh wave of pain slammed into me.
“This is all about you, all about what you want. You don’t care what happens to me. You don’t even care what happens to Dad. You’re a stupid, selfish little girl. How could I love you?”
“You’re twisting this all around!”
“I’m telling you the truth. You just don’t want to hear it. It’s over, Jess. I don’t love you. I can’t be more than your brother.”
“But you are!” she pleaded, her hands out to me.
“Not anymore.”
Her lower lip quivered as I fought back my own tears.
“What if we wait? We could wait...” she begged.
“No! Can’t you see? There can’t be anything between us. Nothing. Not now, not ever.”
“Please don’t yell at me. I can’t take it.” Tears streamed down her face.
“Maybe that’s the only way to get through to you, because you sure as hell aren’t listening!”
“Don’t do this to me, Cory, I love you!”
“Don’t you get it? We’re through.”
“I don’t believe you! You’re just lying to me again!”
“Believe it. We’re done… Sis!”
“Just like that?”
“Yes,” I spat bitterly, “Just like that.”
“I don’t even get a say?” her chin shook.
I screamed right in her face, mocking her.
“No! You don’t get a say!” My pain was all coming out as fury. I knew it wasn’t fair, but it helped me to do what I had to.
“Why are you b-b-being so mean? ...to me? I thought you l-loved meee!”
“I don’t anymore. Just go away.”
She bent over, crying. Every cell in my body wanted to hold her, to comfort her, but I just stood there, breathing hard, my jaw clenched and skin sweaty. She wiped her face and looked at me.
“Who are you?” The venom in her voice was the edge of a rusty razor. “What did you do with my Cory? Tell me!” she shrieked. “You fucking bastard!”
I saw it coming but she was far too quick. Her powerful kick drove the air from my chest and lifted my feet off the sand. I landed hard on my ass, gasping for oxygen.
As she pedaled away, I crouched on my hands and knees while my insides heaved. Eventually, I curled into a ball and sobbed. My body shook uncontrollably. When I ran out of tears, I pulled out my matches and burned my arm until it blistered. There weren’t enough matches in the world.
The sun was high by the time I rode home, but I cast no shadow. I was a skeleton – just broken bones with nothing inside.