Chapter 65
“Don’t tell me,” Jessie groaned. “More family secrets?”
“The last one, so far as I know. But it’s not a happy one; I hope you’ll understand why I haven’t told you until now.” He looked defeated. “Kids, I’m sick.”
“What kind of sick?”
“The serious kind.”
“Should we call nine-one-one?”
‘‘No, please don’t. There’s nothing they can do for me.”
I felt the bottom dropping out of my world, and vertigo setting in. As calmly as I could, I asked, “What is it? Are you dying?”
“Yeah, Son, I have cancer. I’m sorry kids.”
Jessie looked like a deer in the headlights. “That’s not right, Daddy. You can’t have cancer. You aren’t old.”
“I’m sorry, Bug, but it’s true. I really wish it wasn’t.”
I was a little relieved. “Dad, people survive cancer all the time. There are lots of different ways...”
“It’s bone cancer; it’s near the base of my brain. It’s slow growing, and hasn’t spread, but it’s in a real bad place. I had radiation two years ago, and that didn’t help. I tried it again this summer, while you were at the ranch. It was awful.”
“…and your hair fell out…”
“Can’t they just remove it?” I asked.
“Normally that’d be the best option, but where this is, right where the spine connects, they won’t even attempt it.”
“What about chemotherapy, Daddy?” she said desperately. “That might make you better.”
“The kind I have is very resistant to chemo. There’s no evidence that it even slows it down. I won’t put myself through that.”
“But there are all kinds of alternative treatments, right? Like herbs, vitamins, acupuncture...”
“I know, Bug. I think those things work sometimes, for people who have faith in them. I have more faith in miracles.”
“It’s not fair!” Jessie sobbed, “This’s so unfair. Why do you have to be sick?”
“Honey, you’re right. It’s not fair. But I’ve had so many blessings in my life that others haven’t... those weren’t fair either.”
“But Daddy, you can’t just give up!”
“I’m not giving up. I’m trusting God.”
“So you’re just going to die, like everybody else?” Jess started screaming. “Like my first parents, like Mom? And leave us all alone? You’re going to abandon us! How could you, Daddy?” Jessie got up and ran to her room, banging the door behind her.
“Should I...?”
“Give her a minute, Son.”
“So it’s really terminal? Seriously?”
“Straight up, man to man, yeah, probably. But miracles still happen, Buddy, and I’m still kicking.”
He hadn’t called me Buddy for years. It didn’t bode well. “How long?”
“They don’t know.”
“Tell me, Dad, like you said, straight up.”
He sighed deeply. “A couple of months. Maybe even six I hope, but probably not.”
He held me while I cried, until my throat ached and my lungs were tired.
“Will it hurt?”
“Yeah, some. I get headaches, and those’ll get worse, but not too bad. The tumor’s compressing my spinal cord. My hands and feet tingle sometimes. When it’s close to time, I might lose feeling in my arms and legs. I might even be paralyzed for a little while. No bad pain, though. Not like when you were burned.”
“What are we going to do without you?”
“Same thing you’ve always done. Take care of each other, just like you had to do without me before. Take care of your wife. Move on with your lives, just like we’ve done without Mom. We’ll get you set up out of state, and everything will be fine. You’re mature and have plenty of resources. Most important; you have one another.”
“You’ll come with us though?”
“Of course! I want to enjoy every moment that I can with the two you. I still have a lot of things to do, and there’s a lot I need to teach you while there’s time.”
“That’s really why you let us get married, isn’t it?”
“Partially, yes. If I hadn’t, the state would’ve put you in foster care, and almost certainly split you up. You’d be penniless and have no rights. Worse, you wouldn’t have each other.”
“I still don’t understand. You could have, I don’t know, remarried to someone who could take care of us.”
“Son, that ring you’re wearing is the only one I ever wore, and I can never wear another. You know me better than that. I never even considered it. My plan was to buy an annuity with your college fund. With an income you could have become emancipated minors.”
“Why didn’t you do that?”
“I knew you’d be okay if you stayed together, but I needed you to resolve your feelings for Jessie first.”
“But you knew…”
“If I had just confronted you, you would’ve just denied it; I couldn’t afford that. I was running out of time. I needed you to tell me how you felt. I really didn’t want to share the stuff about Mom and me, but I hoped it’d help you get it out.”
“So you were goading me.”
“I guess.”
“But once you knew how Jess felt…”
“Right, my plan wouldn’t work. I knew that I couldn’t leave you two alone together.”
“That’s why you agreed?”
“I was out of choices. I realized you were right; even if I split you up, you’d do it anyway, and I couldn’t prevent it. To allow it now would be much better. I really don’t like it, but at least now you’ll have the rights of adults, and plenty of resources to attend college.”
I shivered. “Are you afraid?”
“Of dying? No way.” That wasn’t what I expected. “We all have to die, and as far as I know, we only get to do it once. I’m curious what it’ll be like.” I thought of Stan, and how calm he had been about dying.
“You aren’t scared at all?”
“Nope. I’ll be sad to leave you, but my work here is almost done. Maybe you can understand this part of it; I’ve really missed Mom. I loved your mother just as fiercely as you love Jessie. Imagine being without her for years. I know that I’ll see my Emma again soon.”
“That part will be good, I guess, but not too soon, right?”
“No, not too soon.”
“Um, what you have? Could I inherit it?”
“The cancer? No, it’s not that kind.”
“Okay, that’s good, I guess. Is there anything I can do for you, Dad?”
“You’re a good son, Cory. And yes, there is something you can do for me.”
“Anything.”
“Even good stress is stress, and you’ve had a lot of both kinds this week. The next few days look pretty intense, too. Go take care of Jess, and you guys get some rest if you can.”
“Okay, Dad. Don’t die tonight, okay? I love you.”
“Okay, I promise. Love ya too, Son.”