“You didn’t do anything. You didn’t ask for anything. You deserved none of what happened to you tonight.”
“Didn’t I?” I croak.
“Fuck, Emy, no.”
“I changed myself for him. I wore that dress and I let him touch me. Then tonight, I told him I wanted to sleep with him. I can’t blame him for being so angry. Maybe I did deserve it. Maybe . . .”
“Don’t,” Rainer warns, cupping my jaw in his hand. “Don’t you ever fuckin’ let me hear you say that again. He had no right to touch you. I don’t care if you danced naked in front of him. He had no right.”
“Maybe he just doesn’t respect me because that’s the way I am. You said it yourself, Rainer. I’ll never get anyone like—”
“Enough,” he growls. “Don’t, Emy. I was wrong. You’re beautiful, you’re funny, and any man would be lucky to get you.”
“Stop saying that,” I say, my voice trembling. “I know you don’t mean it, Rainer. You’re saying it because you have to.”
“When have I ever said anything I don’t mean?”
Tears spill forth and he reaches up, stroking them away. My eyes connect with his and something passes between us, something we’ve never seen in each other’s eyes. It’s lust. I adore Rainer, hell, I think I love him, but I’ve never had such an intense emotion when I’ve been looking at him.
“Rainer,” I whisper.
We lean closer and my breath hitches. He’s going to kiss me. Not because he stole my first kiss, but because he wants to. I can see it in his eyes. I can see it in the way he’s holding onto me. Rainer Torrence is going to kiss me, and he’s going to want it. I think I might want it just as much.
My skin prickles and my entire body becomes alert and ready for him. As he moves closer, I think about how it’s going to feel to have his mouth on mine again. So soft. So intense. I swallow and my lips part as my eyes travel down and stare at his. Gosh, his lips are slightly wet, glistening, and ready for me. My heart rate kicks up, and I don’t want to wait a second longer.
I want him to kiss me.
I want it more than my next breath.
His lips finally connect with mine, and fireworks explode in my body, the fireworks I was so desperately searching for with Jack. We both gasp and his arms wrap around my body, hauling me up against him. I go willingly, wrapping my legs around his waist. He parts my lips with his tongue and then slides it inside. A shudder breaks out over my body and I press myself closer to him, reaching up to tangle my fingers into his hair. He stands, taking me with him and walks over to the bed, laying us both down.
The kiss becomes intense and so damned passionate I can barely breathe. I never realized until this moment just how much kissing Rainer would affect my life. I knew I cared about him, and I knew he was the most important thing in my life, but I never ever thought he’d be the person I’d fall in love with. Yet here I am, wanting as much of him as he’s willing to give.
His hand goes to my shirt and he slips it underneath, sliding it up my skin. I shiver and curl my leg around his hips. He groans and thrusts, rubbing his hard length against my sex. Oh God. That’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever felt. My lips feel bruised and they burn a little, but I don’t care. Kissing Rainer is more than I could have ever imagined. I never want it to end.
But fate has other ideas.
Just as his hand reaches my breast, the phone on the bedside table rings. We ignore it the first time, kissing harder, deeper, our tongues dancing. But then it rings again. And again. With a curse, Rainer pushes himself off me, pressing a palm to his erection, trying to adjust it. My eyes flicker to it, and oh, it looks uncomfortable.
“What?” he barks, answering the phone, keeping his smoldering eyes on me.
He listens a moment and then something washes across his features. It’s a mix of pain, shock and horror. “What?” he rasps.
His body seems to buckle and his shoulders slump, then he says, “I’ll be there soon.”
He hangs up and looks over to me. There’s something broken in his gaze. Something awful has happened. It’s written all over his face.
“Rainer?” I whisper, leaping to my feet. “What is it?”
“My dad is dead.”
Oh God.
No.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
NOW – MALI
God, my feet ache. My shift at work tonight was long. The shop was having a function, so we had preparation as well as serving, and by the time it ended, I had been there all day and most of the night. I plod up to my house, keys dangling from my fingers, but stop dead when I see the man sitting on my front steps, head in his hands. I flinch.
Rainer.
I stop walking and just stare at him, not really knowing what to say. I don’t even know why he’s here. My chat with Pippa yesterday shed some light on the situation, but in the end it still hasn’t given me any answers. My keys make a jingling sound and he looks up, his brown eyes pinning mine. “What are you doing here, Rainer?” I ask.
He stands and walks over to me. “Will you take a walk with me?”
I sigh. “I don’t think that’s wise . . .”
“Please, Mali.”
My shoulders slump. “Okay, but it can’t be far. My feet are killing me.”
He studies me, then glances around us. There’s a park over the road, with an old rusted playground no one uses anymore, though they never seem to want to knock it down, which makes no sense to me. Rainer points to it. “Is that too far?”
I shake my head. “No.”
We walk across the road in silence and when we reach the grass, I lean down and slip off my shoes. I carry them in my hand, sighing as the cool grass brings some relief to my tired, aching feet. We reach the swings and I sit on one. It’s probably ready to break, but I risk it. Rainer sits on the other and we both remain silent.
“I’m sorry for what I did to you, Mali.”
I shrug. “Shit happens.”
“Don’t do that,” he says. “I was a fucking jerk, and you didn’t deserve that. I know I said it was only a casual thing, and that’s the truth, but you’re still a girl and you still deserve respect. I should have told Pippa how it was.”
“She already knew, Rainer, so the only people you upset were yourself and me.”
He narrows his eyes. “You’ve spoken to her.”
It’s not a question.
“Yeah, I did speak to her. She wanted to talk to me about what went down. She’s not stupid and she cares about you, Rainer.”
His eyes meet mine. “Either way, I shouldn’t have done what I did. I’m not ashamed of you, Mali. In fact . . .”
He trails off and I stare at him, waiting for him to go on.
“In fact?” I prompt.
“You’re the best lay I’ve had . . . since . . . I can’t even remember.”
I blink. The best . . . lay.
“Lay?” I say, my eyes wide.
He closes his eyes, cursing. “There I go again, fucking things up.”
“It’s okay,” I say, waving a hand. “I’m flattered . . . I think.”
His lips quirk. “Anyway, I’m sorry. I don’t know what the fuck we’re doing here, but for some strange reason I find myself not wanting to stop. I can’t promise you anything, because there’s nothing to give, but I want to keep . . .”
“Fucking me?”
His eyes flash. “Yeah.”
“Well, it’s your lucky day, handsome,” I say, swinging the old rusty set. “I’m happy to keep it up, too.”
“Yeah?”
I smile at him. “Yeah.”
~*~*~*~
“So, go ahead and tell me something you’ve never told anyone else,” I say to Rainer, that night in my bed.
He just fucked me, long and slow, and now we’re tucked in each other’s arms, happily exhausted. He isn’t running. He isn’t making any move to leave. He seems happy enough to stay, and I’m fine with that.
“I am shit scared of spiders.”
/> I giggle.
“Seriously?”
He grunts. “Fuck yeah. They’re awful.”
“Do you scream and run around, hands in the air?”
He pinches my arm softly. “No, but I don’t like them being close to me.”
“You’re funny.”
He snorts. “I’m glad I entertain you.”
“You just don’t seem like the type to be scared of anything.”
He goes quiet for a moment. “You’d be surprised.”
“I think I would,” I admit. “You seem so strong on the exterior, but there’s a big story behind your eyes, Rainer. One day, you might want to tell me about it.”
He shifts and I think he’s going to brush it off again, but he starts speaking. “I was sold as a slave.”
My entire body jerks in his arms, because I’ve thought of a thousand different scenarios, but never, not ever did I think something like that had happened to him. My blood runs cold. A slave? He doesn’t mean . . .
“Not a sex slave,” he says, as if reading my thoughts. “I was a working slave.”
“Rainer,” I breathe.
“That’s how I met Pippa.”
Oh no.
“Pippa was a slave too?” I gasp.
“Yeah,” he says, his voice thick. “We met and became close while we were there.”
“I’m so sorry. I . . . I never...how did you end up like that?”
He starts playing absently with a strand of my hair. “I got into drugs. I fucked with the wrong people, and as a debt repayment, I was sold to a tobacco farm somewhere in Mexico. I was there more than five years.”
Oh God. Poor Rainer. My poor, beautiful Rainer.
“And Pippa?”
“She had a really hard life and got sold for much the same reason. We were thrown in with each other and over the years, we became all the other person had. The scars on my back are the day I got whipped nearly to death protecting her.”
Tears start flowing now, and I can’t stop them. I never realized Rainer had led such a hard life. I never realized he had been through so much hell. What kind of horror did he live through? What kind of pain must he have endured?
“I got taken before her, and it was the worst day of my life. I only found her again recently.”
“I’m so sorry,” I rasp between tears. “I didn’t . . . I couldn’t . . .”
“We saw a lot of bad shit together—I can’t even begin to explain how much. We had to clean up a woman’s brains with our hands when the man who owned us got pissed off and shot her. That was our life.”
My body jerks and bile rises in my throat. Rainer seems to feel that and his arms tighten around me.
“But I’m free now, and so is Pippa. I’m trying to fix myself. To move on. I drink way more than I should, and I can’t keep relationships because my moods fluctuate so rapidly.”
“Is it how you lost your memory?” I whisper.
“Yeah. I didn’t really lose my memory as such, but traumatic events caused everything to become fuzzy. Some days I get so fucking frustrated because I can’t remember the simplest things.”
“It’s not your fault, Rainer. You’re a stronger person than most.”
“Sometimes fitting back into the real world is so fucking hard, I wonder how I’ll cope. You know, I’ve not told a fucking soul about that. I don’t know what it is about you, Mali, but . . .”
“I’m glad you trusted me enough. Sometimes telling your story is the start of the biggest road to recovery.”
He rolls me towards him and his eyes study my face. “I can’t promise you anything, Mali, but I find myself wanting to be around you.”
“Same here,” I say, studying his face. “And for as long as you’ll have me, Rainer, I’ll stay.”
“Why?” he whispers.
“Because you’re worth it.”
He leans forward and kisses me, and I let him.
He needs to know he’s worth it, even if right now he doesn’t believe it.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
MALI – THEN
Rainer and I hold hands as the coffin is lowered into the ground. There aren’t many people here. That’s because Rainer’s dad had no one who cared about him. He was a drunk, and a cruel man, and because of that no one wanted to be in his life. So it’s just us, an old, nearly dead priest who is mumbling the words. We scraped money together to get to bury Rainer’s father with respect. Respect he probably doesn’t deserve.
They told us he was in a car accident, that he was drunk and ran off the road. I don’t know how much of it is true, or if there’s more to the story, but it’s all anyone cares about. He was dead broke and left Rainer with nothing but debts piled high. Rainer had to quit school and find a job at a local garage to try and keep the house. I asked him why he was insistent on keeping the place and not selling it, but he just shut me out and said I wouldn’t understand. Maybe I wouldn’t. Everything just went so bad. He had a future, he was going to college, and now he’s got nothing but pain.
As the dirt is thrown over the cheap coffin, I say a silent goodbye. Rainer says nothing; he glares at the grave and then tugs my hand. We walk towards his car, neither of us knowing what to say. It’s a cold day out, and there’s a soft drizzle of rain falling over us. Not enough to soak us, just that frustrating light sprinkle that becomes irritating. We step into the parking lot, and I see four men standing near Rainer’s car.
Rainer stops dead.
“Emy, wait for me here,” he orders, not taking his eyes off them.
“Who are they, Rai?” I whisper.
“They aren’t your concern. Wait here.”
He lets my hand go and walks over to the men. I stare as they all talk amongst themselves. It seems to get heated for a few moments and then Rainer nods and steps back. The men all disappear and I rush over. Something doesn’t seem right about the situation, and I know whatever those men wanted wasn’t good.
“Who were they?” I ask as Rainer opens the car door for me.
“Nothing for you to worry about.”
“Rai, I’m not stupid. Who are they?”
He sighs. “My dad had debts. I have to pay them off.”
I shake my head, confused. “Debts? What kind of debts?”
“That doesn’t matter. You just need to know I’m working on it. It’ll be fine.”
“Rainer . . .”
His eyes flash to me. “Get in the car, Emy.”
“Rainer please . . .”
“Now,” he barks.
Dropping my head, I slide into the car.
How did things go from so wonderful to so bad so quickly?
~*~*~*~
I haven’t seen Rainer for an entire week. He’s been missing in action. I waited at his house for a few days after school, but each day nothing changed. He isn’t there, and that scares me. Rainer is into something bad, I can feel it in my bones. He said his dad had debts, and I worry about how he’s repaying them. I have a bad feeling it’s by illegal means.
Today is day eight, and I decide to break in. I’ve been peering through the windows, but today I’m going to enter.
I use some of my dad’s tools and bust the side window, the one that was always broken. I climb through it and into the dark, damp-smelling space. No one is here, and I’m certain now that they haven’t been. My heart aches with fear. What if something has happened to Rainer and he’s in danger?
What if it’s worse?
Tears well in my eyes as I flick on some lights and start rummaging through drawers, trying to find clues. I find a few bills, and some messily written numbers, but nothing that means anything or makes any sense. I rush up to Rainer’s room and swing the door open. His bed is unmade and there are clothes scattered across the floor. I walk in and start searching through his things, too, trying to find answers.
“What the fuck are you doing, Emy?”
I jerk upright with a scream, dropping the items I had in my hands, and spin around to see Rainer at the do
or. He’s glaring at me, and he looks super pissed. He also looks as if he’s been living in a dump the past week. His hair is a mess, his clothes are grubby, and he looks exhausted. His eyes are red-rimmed and sunken, and he’s got light bruises on his cheeks.
“I was trying to find a way to find you,” I say, straightening. “Where the hell have you been, Rainer?”
He crosses his big arms. “None of your fucking business.”
“I’m your friend!” I yell. “It is my business.”
“It’s not,” he roars. “Do yourself a favor and stay out of my shit. Go to school, enjoy your life, and leave me to mine.”
I swallow the pain that rises up in my chest at his words. “Are you seriously going to push me away?” I whisper. “Jesus, Rainer. I thought we meant more to each other . . .”
He steps into the room and storms past me, lifting his shirt and tossing it off. “We kissed a couple of times. It meant nothing.”
It’s as if someone has slapped me in the face. I thought it meant a whole lot more than nothing, even to him.
“You don’t mean that...”
He looks over his shoulder at me. “I do. You need to move on with your life.”
“Rainer,” I whisper. “You’re my friend.”
“Yeah, and shit has happened and my life isn’t the same anymore. You need to accept that. You don’t need to ruin yours. Now, can you leave? I’m busy.”
“Rainer,” I croak, my voice thick with emotion.
“Night, Mali,” he mutters, stepping into the bathroom and slamming the door.
I let out a sob, and wrap my arms around myself.
Then I leave.
~*~*~*~
I can’t sleep that night.
I don’t know what the hell is going on in Rainer’s world, but I know it isn’t good. Whatever has happened has him changing before my eyes. I know he’s feeling the loss of his dad, even though he won’t admit it. He’s hurting, and he’s alone in the world. He has no siblings and no one to lean on. Which is exactly why I don’t want him to push me away. I’m the only family Rainer has left and I’m tired of it. I need him to know exactly how I feel, no matter the cost.
I roll over and take my phone, finding his number and punching it in. Then I send a text. It’s not the way I wanted to do this, but I don’t know that he’ll take it any other way. I love Rainer, I didn’t realize it until last week, but there it is. I don’t want him hurting. I don’t want his heart breaking. I want him to know he isn’t alone.