Page 14
I dont know why I said it. I knew as the words left my lips it would hurt him. Maybe deep down I want to hurt him for not being there for me the past sixteen years of my life. I keep looking at Mutt and rubbing his tummy so I dont have to look at the disappointment of my life. Fine. "
Wait. Did he just say "fine"? I think he did, but the word still doesnt register.
When I look up, Rons back is to me. Hes walking inside the house. My legs are a little numb from having the mutt on my lap for so long, but I scurry to get up and follow him.
When I enter the house, I walk up to him. Hes rummaging through his suitcase.
"What did you say?" I ask.
He glances sideways at me before rummaging through his bag again. "I said fine, Amy. "
"Fine as in . . . "
"As in if you want me out of your life, if that will make you happy, then thats what I want for you. " He takes papers out of his suitcase and holds them out to me. "Heres your ticket back to the States. "
I hesitate for a moment. Then my hand reaches out and slips the paper out of his extended hand.
A wave of sorrow and confusion makes me freeze. Then I run out of the house and head to the place where Safta and I talked about her love for this place.
Sitting on the edge of the mountain, I think about everything here that Ill leave behind if I go home. Like Matan. Like my aunt and uncle, who Ive just met. And Mutt.
But most of all, I want to be here for Safta. I love her, and cant just leave while I know shes going through chemo treatments.
I hug my knees to myself, thinking about this life here in Israel. Its a part of me, but not.
Walking back to the house, I look for Ron. I have to tell him I want to stay here for another reason, too: to find out where I fit into his life. When I see him talking on the phone, I sit on the kitchen chair, waiting.
Ron hands me the phone. "Its your mom. I called her. "
"We need to talk, okay," I say to Ron before taking the phone out of his hand.
I watch as he nods, puts his hands in his pockets, and walks outside.
I put the receiver to my ear. "Hello?"
"Amy, are you okay? Ron just told me you want to come home. "
"I did, but not anymore. "
"Youve changed your mind?"
"I guess," I say.
I hear her getting out of bed and closing a door. I bet shes locked herself in the bathroom because Marc with a "c" is in her bed and she doesnt want to wake the dork up.
After a minute she says to me in a very bubbly voice, "I have some great news. "
"You broke up with Marc?" I say with a sigh of relief. "Finally. "
"No, silly. Marc asked me to marry him last night. And I said yes. "
"What!" I say as my heart sinks into my chest. This is not happening to me.
"Its so exciting," she says, oblivious to the fact that Im totally freaking out here. "He had this special dinner planned. The ring was at the bottom of my champagne glass. "
"Hes a dork, Mom. " Definitely NOT dad material. The ring at the bottom of the champagne glass is so clich?.
"Hes one of the top real estate developers in the country. The new project on the Gold Coast, the most sought-after location in Chicago, is being done by his firm. "
"So? We only have one parking spot for our condo. Theres no room for his Mercedes," I say.
"I thought wed look in the suburbs for a place. You know, something bigger . . . with a backyard and everything. "
Huh? "As in youre moving to the burbs?"
"Isnt that wonderful!"
"Where does that leave me? Homeless?"
"Of course not, honey. Dont be ridiculous. Your home is with me and Marc. "
Since when did "you and me" become "you, me, and Marc"?
Nice to know Im important enough to consult with.
"Marc hates me, Mom. " Right about now I feel as if everybody hates me.
"He does not. You havent given him a fair chance. "
I swallow hard and try not to cry.
"I know its a shock to you, but I swear its the best thing for us. Well be a family. "
I swear Im going to hurl. A family? But Marc isnt my family.
"I thought youd be happy. After you come back from Israel, you can help me plan for the wedding and look for a new house. Well make a fresh start, the three of us. "
I dont want a fresh start, I want an old start.
"I love you," she says.
If she loved me so much she wouldve thought before going ahead and screwing up my plans.
I have a huge lump in my throat when I say, "Congratulations. I love you, too. "
"Bye, sweetheart. Call me next week, okay?" she says. "I just want us to be happy. "
"Me, too," I say, then hang up. Happy is all in the eye of the beholder.
I march out of the house and spot Ron by an old, green tractor parked in the back of the house.
"You blew it!" I yell.
He has the audacity to look at me without saying anything.
I cross my arms in front of my chest. "Just keep standing there silent, Ron. You do that really well. "
"What are you talking about?"
"I was just informed that Moms dork boyfriend proposed to her. Couldnt you have proposed? It would have been nice to have my parents married; at the very least to say my parents were married at one point in time. But you were too selfish and worried about making sure you achieved the American Dream while basking in bachelorhood. You never fought for us. Worse, you never fought for me. "
There, I finally said it. It may have taken me sixteen years and an attitude to cover up my insecurities, but I finally spilled the truth.
He blinks a couple of times, then says, "Shes getting married?"
"I just said that, didnt I?"
He takes a deep breath, then sits on the bumper of the tractor. "Dont think I didnt fight, Amy. I asked her to marry me. And not just once. Before you were born and practically every time I saw her after your birth I got down on my knee. You were too busy running away from me to realize it. "
"If, and I mean if you did propose, why didnt it happen? You were a commando, for Gods sake. Youre specially trained to get the mission accomplished. "
He takes a long, deep breath. "She said she didnt want you growing up seeing a loveless marriage. She wanted to find a solid guy to be your fodder, not some Israeli immigrant. Every time I came to see you, Id get a letter from her fodder threatening to tell the INS to cancel my visa. He accused me of getting her pregnant on purpose, to secure my American citizenship by marrying her. It wasnt true, but I feared never seeing you again. He was a powerful man, Amy. "
He looks at me with a pained expression. "I dont expect you to understand. "
"I do and I dont," I say, confused.
"When you told me to stop coming around, I didnt know what theyd told you about me. I just wanted a relationship with you, even if it was once a year. "
"Youre a real disappointment," I say.
I expect the you-must-respect-me-because-Im-your-parent lecture, but instead Ron says, "Youre right. "
Im shocked but say, "Damn straight Im right. Maybe theres still a chance with Mom. You can call her and--"
"Its not going to change anything," he says, "and you know it. Deep down, you know she wont marry me. "
"I feel so alone," I say, almost in a whisper.
"I love you," he says back. "It doesnt matter that you dont call me dad or want to hug me. Ive wanted that, but I want your friendship and trust even more. "
This is a lot of information for me in one day. I need some time to digest it.
"Im going to stay in Israel for the summer," I finally tell him. "Maybe we can, oh, I dont know. "
The beginning of a smile tips the corners of his mouth.
With a shake of my head I say, "Dont get too excited, Im still upset. "
"Im glad youre staying. "
&nbs
p; I turn around and head back into the house and into my bedroom.
Snotty is there.
Honestly, shes the last person I want to see. I remember I told her something about having small boobs or something like that, but it seems so long ago. I plop myself down on my bed.
"Are you packed?" she asks, bending over her backpack while putting things inside.
I lean back on my elbows. "For what?"
She turns around, those black-charcoal circles directed right at me. "Camping. You said you were going. "
Laying back down on the bed, I say, "I lied. "
"Just like an American. "
"Excuse me? Whats that supposed to mean?"
"Israelis say what we mean. You Americans just talk without meaning anything you say. "
"We do not!" Geez, everyone is on my case lately. "For your information, Im proud to be American. We may not always do or say the right thing, but what can you expect? Nobody wants to police the world, so they look to us to do it for them. We save everyone elses ass and then get blamed for it. Real fair, isnt it?"
Now I sound like an ambassador for the U. S.
Snotty lifts her backpack over her shoulder and walks out of the room.
"Shalom, Amy. Were leaving in ten minutes. "
She leaves me with two choices: prove Snotty wrong and go on the camping trip to save face. Or stay on the moshav with nothing to do except herd bald sheep with Ron and Uncle Chime.
I walk into Sofias room and sit on the edge of her bed. My entire screwed-up life comes to a head and Im completely confused.
"I need your advice. "
She smiles warmly at me, like always. I am so happy to have her in my life, even if we did get a late start on getting to know each other.
"You see, its like this," I say. I take a deep breath and let it all out as I talk. "My mom wants to marry her boyfriend, this guy I dont particularly like. Ron . . . you know, your son, has been a disappointment to me because to be honest he hasnt been a permanent fixture in my life. I resent them both, and Im confused about who I am and where I fit in. And to top it off, Osnot is going on a trip with her friends, and I kind of want to get away and prove to her Im capable, so Im considering it. "
Safta nods her head in thought, obviously understanding my predicament and giving it serious consideration. "For a sixteen-year-old girl, you have a lot to deal with. " I let out another long breath. "Aint that the truth. " "Maybe you need some time away. I think the camping trip is a good idea. Israel is a magical place, Amy. You just might find what youre looking for. "
Shes right. I need to get away from reality for a while. I kiss Safta on her cheek and head out of the room. But I stop at the door, turn around, and say, "Im glad youre my Safta. "
She tilts her head and smiles. "Me, too. "
CHAPTER 18
Did you ever get the feeling you were outnumbered?
My heart is racing as I spot an empty backpack on the foot of my bed. I must not have noticed it was there. It was probably left for me. I hurry and stuff some clothes into the bag and head outside.
When I get to the front of the house, all of the teenagers are climbing into the back of an open Jeep. Its like a flatbed truck, but not. It has a cab part up front and in the back is like a flatbed, but it has seats on both sides and rails on top of the truck.