5. ADHERE TO STRICT BURIAL GUIDELINES. If you’re lucky enough to reach the burial site in one piece, don’t go any farther until you’ve reviewed these rules:
Never bury someone alive. When’s the last time you watched a movie where someone was successfully buried alive? They always escape, and they always come looking for you.
Never bury or exhume the bad guy. If your goal is to dig up the bad guy and make sure he’s still dead, guess what? He’s not. If your goal is to bury the bad guy because you’re sure he’s finally dead, guess what?
Never bury your child. Nothing’s more painful than losing a child, except losing a child, having that child turn into a zombie, and having to kill that zombie child with your bare hands.
Always place a lightning rod next to the gravesite before you dig. Otherwise, the thunderstorm that kicks up the minute you start digging will result in a lightning strike that brings the bad guy back to life.
Don’t stand in the hole when you open the coffin lid. As soon as you pry the lid off, the creature’s going to spring up like a jack-in-the-box and eat your face.
6. SHOOT FIRST, NEVER BOTHER ASKING QUESTIONS. If something moves, shoot it. Either you’ve just dropped a zombie that was headed toward the smell of your tasty brains, or you’ve killed an innocent old lady laying a wreath on her husband’s grave. Either way, give yourself a pat on the back. You did the right thing. Bury her, burn the wreath, and sleep well knowing it’s better to be wrong than dead.
7. HAVE AN EXIT STRATEGY. You should always know what your next move is in case the creature leaps out of the coffin or the zombies close in. If you were smart enough to drive to the burial site, get back in the vehicle and lock the doors. As always, the engine will fail to start until at least one window is smashed by your attacker(s). When the vehicle starts, point the headlights at the nearest fence and crash through.
Remember: Surviving a cemetery is like surviving a war. And who’d go to war without an exit strategy?
LEARN TO RECOGNIZE THE WARNING SIGNS OF A HAUNTED CEMETERY.
EJECTION SEAT #4:
THE COST-PROHIBITIVE LOCATION
Should you find yourself in the clutches of certain death—fangs to your neck, knife to your throat—there are only four proven methods of making a last-minute escape, methods called Ejection Seats because of their drastic, last-resort nature.
Ejection Seat #4 is the Cost-Prohibitive Location. Most horror movies are made on shoestring budgets, which is why they usually take place in inexpensive locations—the woods, a house, etc. The astute horror movie survivalist can take advantage of this. If you’re being chased by a chainsaw-wielding killer, retreat to a location that the filmmakers (and thus, your attacker) can’t afford to follow you to—somewhere requiring stratospheric location fees, hundreds of extras, and logistical headaches:
MANSIONS. Shooting at a mansion is pretty easy from a logistics standpoint, as long as the filmmakers fork over the $25,000 a day that some homeowners charge for the privilege.
AIRPORT TERMINALS. Shooting at a working airport is both expensive and time consuming, due to strict security guidelines, safety regulations, and ever-present noise.
MALLS. Shooting in a store means dealing with managers. Shooting in a mall means dealing with the managers of all the stores. That is, unless filmmakers shut the whole place down, which few horror movies’ budgets can afford. Then the mall must be filled with make-believe shoppers.
MUSEUMS. Filmmakers will have a hell of a time insuring burly union guys lugging lights and cables next to priceless works of art.
SPORTING EVENTS. Step one, pay the stadium. Step two, hire athletes to take the field. Step three, hire at least one seating section full of fans. Step four, declare bankruptcy.
CONCERTS. Filmmakers have to rent a venue, pay a band, dress the stage with all the necessary concert sound and lighting gear, and then fill the place with hundreds (if not thousands) of screaming extras—all of which cost big bucks.
LAW OFFICES. By the time the crew sets foot in the location, the producers will have so many contract restrictions, they won’t be able to roll a foot of film without incurring some kind of financial penalty.
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE DEADLY: KNOW YOUR GHOSTS
Poltergeists. Specters. Free-floating, full-torso, vaporous apparitions. The real phantom menaces. Ghosts come in all kinds of exciting shapes and flavors. Some are merely nuisances, some are faithful companions, and others have the will (and the way) to drag a person out of this world. As a horror movie survivalist, you’ll need to be able to tell the difference—and that starts with a lesson in the six ghost archetypes.
#1 THE BUDDY. These are often the ghosts of children, and they spend their time trying to befriend living children. Buddies know they’re dead. In fact, after a brief postfuneral depression, they learn to see their new ethereal status as a plus—using it to score living friends by performing ghostly tricks for their amusement. Buddy ghosts can also be recently deceased parents who feel compelled to see their kids grow up, or benevolent spirits that take a liking to the new family that moves in.
Sample Dialogue: “If you need help with your Sunday school homework, I have a few connections!”
Danger Level: Low. If your kids are going to hang out with dead people, these are the dead people you want them hanging out with.
How to Deal with Them: Treat them as you would any other deceased friend or family member. If you’re lucky enough to get one from an interesting historical period, the stories they tell can be fascinating. They’re also great for spying on the neighbors and deterring theft.
#2 THE PEST. Moving your furniture around. Locking you out of the house when you get the newspaper. Popping out of the drain when you’re showering. Pests are the inmates who’ve been given the keys to the asylum. The class clowns who’ve been granted immunity from detention. They couldn’t be happier to be dead. It’s probably what they dreamt of their whole life. That’s because now their immature pranks have the added benefit of being 100 percent consequence free.
Sample Dialogue: “Yes! I have power over space and time, and I’ve decided to use that power to hide your underwear!”
Danger Level: Low. They’re annoying, but not interested in causing humans physical harm.
How to Deal with Them: Like any pest, you can’t give them the satisfaction of getting angry. Just ignore them. Don’t laugh at their antics, and don’t get angry at their childishness. Pretty soon, they’ll get sick of playing a tough room and move somewhere else. Unless you’re really something to look at in the shower.
#3 THE CHARITY CASE. These are ghosts who shook off their mortal coil without taking care of some important unfinished business. Business that they’ve decided to make your problem.
Sample Dialogue: “Help me count every grain of sand on Waikiki Beach, so that I might have peace at last.”
Danger Level: Moderate. If you cooperate with the errand, they’ll be friendly. But if you fail (or blow them off), they’ve been known to exact revenge.
How to Deal with Them: Get it over with. If you have to deliver a message to his widow in Alaska, just go.
#4 THE ATTENTION WHORE. They moan incessantly. Hover at the end of your bed. Write “get out” in the fog on your bathroom mirror. Day after day. Night after chain-rattling night. They just can’t bear the thought of anyone else getting on with life—especially in “their” house.
Sample Dialogue: “Booooo! Aren’t you scared? Oh God I’m so lonely.”
Danger Level: Moderate. They’re usually just crying out for attention. But in some cases, they go too far and harm the living, intentionally or not.
How to Deal with Them: They keep telling you to get out, but we all know that’s the last thing they really want. Who would they have to haunt if you left? Invite the ghost to a sit-down, and make it clear that you’d like to be friends—but only if the moaning and chain rattling stop.
#5 THE UNAWARE. Poor bastards. They have no idea. Just walking ar
ound like their flight landed safely. They’ll even carry on with their daily routines. Sleeping next to their spouse. Driving their cab. Wondering why everyone seems so distant.
Sample Dialogue: “What’s the matter, cat got your ton— … Hey, where you going? Hey, I’m talking to you!”
Danger Level: High. Because they’re not aware of their ghostly status, there’s a good chance they’ll inadvertently hurt someone while attempting human activities—driving a cab, for instance.
How to Deal with Them: You probably won’t have to. In horror movies, the only humans who can see or hear these ghosts are schizophrenics and sad little boys with single mothers. But on the off chance that you fit one of those descriptions, do not be the one to break the news. You don’t want to be within a nuclear mile when that bomb drops.
#6 THE ASSHOLE. Sometimes a person is just an asshole, plain and simple. Ditto for ghosts. Assholes aren’t lost between Heaven and Hell. They aren’t here to see Junior graduate or settle an old score. They’re just hanging around to wreak havoc in the living world. Who knows? Maybe they were wronged somewhere down the line and can’t let go. Maybe Daddy missed too many Little League games. It doesn’t matter.
Sample Dialogue: “Waahhhh! I’m gonna make your precious earthly lives miserable!”
Danger Level: Extreme. Their sole purpose is to terrorize humans and cause them physical harm—even death.
How to Deal with Them: Move to another state and never return. You can’t kill ghosts, and they’re next to impossible to trap. The only time you should stand your ground is if you’ve got a ghoulish ally who’s up to the task (only ghosts can hurt other ghosts). But if you are killed, look on the bright side: Maybe you’ll come back as a ghost and get to look at people in the shower.
KNOW YOUR HARBINGERS OF
IMPENDING DOOM: VISIBLE BREATH
When ghosts get angry, we get chilly. It’s elementary horror movie science. Ghosts are made of matter (mostly water vapor and phosphorus) that is slightly out of phase with our own. Just as one cable can carry hundreds of TV channels, the Terrorverse can accommodate hundreds of planes of existence. Ghosts merely inhabit more than one plane at a time (why do you think they call it “ghosting” when two images appear on the same TV screen?). And because they’re straddling two channels, ghosts act as a sort of valve for energy to flow back and forth between them.
When a ghost becomes angry, it heats up (the reasons for this aren’t fully understood). The angrier (hotter) it gets, the more energy (heat) it robs from our plane of existence. Therefore, when a room suddenly drops from toasty to freezing in a matter of seconds, there can be only one conclusion: There’s a seriously pissed-off presence nearby. And when a ghost loses its temper, bad things are about to happen.
So repeat after me: “If I see my breath, I’m close to death.”
HOW TO KILL THE LIVING DEAD
Anyone who’s killed by a zombie ought to be ashamed of themselves. It’s the equivalent of a fighter jet being blown out of the sky with a Nerf dart. Humans are superior to zombies in every imaginable way: We’re faster, smarter, stronger, more adaptable, and better looking. And yet, in zombie movies, our so-called heroes hole themselves up in a highly vulnerable location at the first sign of a limper. They sit around scratching their heads and getting hysterical while an army of the dead amasses outside instead of simply planning a counterattack.
HERO
(gasping for breath)
What are we gonna do? There … there must be two … three dozen of them in the front yard! At the rate they’re moving, they’ll make it to the porch in a few hours!
If you’re trapped in a movie that pits you against a partially decomposed, laughably uncoordinated enemy, don’t retreat: defeat.
1. STOP BEING SO PATHETIC. Pull yourself together! You’re the human! You possess complex problem-solving skills. You can run faster than a slow shuffle. Stop acting like prey and start acting like a hunter!
Of course you’re scared. Your self-confidence has been rattled by fear. So let’s puff up that chest and review all the reasons why humans are way, way more awesome than zombies:
Speed. Humans can walk at a good clip. Zombies use tortoises as skateboards. Well, most of them do. Though rare, fast-moving zombies do exist. Little is known about their origins, but they seem to be indigenous to Great Britain and remakes.
Complex problem-solving abilities. Humans send robots to Mars. Zombies are baffled by doorknobs.
Weaponry. Humans have a vast supply of guns, knives, chemicals, and explosives at our dexterous fingertips. A zombie’s arsenal includes teeth, and … wait … nope, that’s it. Teeth.
Strength. Zombies aren’t stronger than humans. On the contrary, their muscles have begun to rot, making them weak and brittle.
2. ARM YOURSELF. At the first sign of a zombie outbreak, raid the local gun shops, sporting goods stores, and “we sell everything ever made” megastores, and procure some instruments of undeath.
Rifles. The cornerstone of any anti-zombie campaign. Preferably high-powered semiautomatics.
Shotguns. Excellent for close-quarters fighting. Make heads disappear like magic!
Bombs. Whether a brick of C4 or a pipe filled with gunpowder and rusty nails, bombs are a highly effective means of vanquishing zombies.
Incendiary devices. Zombies are famously terrified of fire, and with good reason—they’re much more flammable than we are, since their flesh is so dry. And because they’re not exactly nimble, very few manage to stop, drop, and roll after they’ve been lit.
3. SET A TRAP. Sure, you can roam the countryside for months, taking on zombies one by one. Fighting them with knives and fists. But who has that kind of time? Zombies are cattle. Just drive them to the slaughterhouse. Here’s one way of terminating a truckload of dead heads at once.
4. FINISH THE JOB. After the bomb goes off, there’ll be bits and pieces of zombie everywhere. But you’re not out of danger yet. Here’s where those rifles and shotguns come into play. Being careful to keep your ankles away from their mouths, storm the blast area while shooting any remaining zombies full of lead.
5. BURN THE BODIES. Using a push broom or shovel, move the body parts outside, douse them in unleaded gasoline, and roast ’em. Take extreme care to keep their blood and saliva away from your skin, and don’t breathe in the resulting smoke—it could still contain traces of the zombie virus.
6. REPEAT AS NEEDED. The great thing about zombies? They’ll keep falling for it. Why? Because they’re stupid, and we’re awesome.
A. Place an explosive device in a confined area, then lure the zombies with fresh brains.
B. Wait for the zombies to arrive.
C. Detonate the explosives.
D. Take cover.
CREATING A SEMI-LIVING WILL
In the Terrorverse, every responsible adult has two wills: one to be carried out in the event of their death, and one to be carried out in the event of their semi-death. It’s crucial that you leave your family specific instructions on what to do if you become a zombie, if only to alleviate some of the guilt they might feel about chopping off your head.
Spelling out your wishes in black and white also eliminates the possibility of a painful, protracted legal battle, and ensures that—zombie or not—you’ll be allowed to die with some dignity. A semi-living will might be something as simple as this:
Last Semi-Living Will and Testament
I,___________________, being of sound, blood-enriched mind and living body, do hereby wish the following three steps to be executed with all due expedience and in the order specified, in the event of my transformation (whether accidental or otherwise) into a zombie:
1. My head shall be forcibly removed from my body.
2. No less than five (5) bullets shall be fired point-blank from a high-powered rifle into my brain.
3. My head and body shall be burned until nothing but ash remains.
I leave these instructions of my own free will on this day,______
_____________, 20___.
Signed,
_________________________
HOW TO KILL A VAMPIRE
They’ve been horror movie staples since Satan created the Terrorverse and said, “Let there be fright.”
Unlike clumsy slashers or tantrum-throwing poltergeists, vampires are graceful. Refined. They don’t kill for pleasure or souvenirs, they kill for food—and they’re not picky eaters. The young, spry, and infirm are turned into involuntary blood donors in equal numbers. “Anything with a beat is meat,” as vampires are fond of saying. Fighting them with your bare hands is suicide. Guns? No effect. Crosses make them laugh. And contrary to popular belief, they’re actually quite fond of garlic. But that’s not to say that they’re invincible. In fact, vampires are among the most vulnerable villains in all of horrordom—as long as you know how to exploit their weaknesses.
1. SET FIRE TO THE LAIR. Every vampire has a safe house, a dark place to crash during those dangerous sunlight hours. These are often crypts, caves, and basements—places that offer plenty of protection from the deadly rays outside. That is, as long as they stay inside.
So how do you get a vampire to leave his lair during the day? Set it on fire. The vampire will wake up with two unsavory options. Option 1: Run outside to escape the fire. Result: Burned to death by sunlight. Option 2: Stay inside to avoid the sunlight. Result: Burned to death by fire.