My needs weren’t right.
She had to stay away for her sake and mine.
But I couldn’t stomach her pain or live with myself knowing I was the cause of it.
“Pim, wait.” Striding forward, I slammed my hand on the door, keeping it open.
Her lips parted. “What are you—”
I couldn’t concentrate on anything but her mouth and the delicate wings of her collarbones and the pinkness of her freshly showered skin. Screw her past, her mother, our future.
Pushing the door wide, I scooped her up one armed and shot forward to place her on the vanity. Her weight transferred to the marble basin, her legs dangling, eyes wild with uncertainty.
I hated that uncertainty.
I hated my uncertainty and the awful fucking knowledge I now carried. The debt of knowing something she didn’t and having to tell her when I would give anything not to.
“I missed you, too.” Cupping her face with both hands, I kissed her.
She melted into my touch. One moment hurting and untrusting. The next welcoming and liquid. She tasted of cool water and mint toothpaste, her skin damp and hot.
Her head tilted to kiss me deeper, her tongue a skilled serpent making my head swim and rules shatter and self-control fray at the edges.
I lost my grip on sanity and hooked my fingers around her hips. Dragging her toward the edge of the vanity, I slotted myself between her legs.
She moaned as I shoved the towel aside and rubbed my hard-on against her. Her lips parted faster than before, more sure and confident than our other shared connections. Her tongue fought mine before I had the chance to manipulate the kiss. Her exploration brave and bold, sending every drop of blood to my cock.
The pent-up aggression from holding myself back last night overflowed.
I ripped off the rest of her towel—past caring I might hurt her.
She wobbled on the vanity, her hands locking onto my shoulders. All I wanted to do was push down my jeans and enter her.
To ride her like she wanted me to.
To remind us that two broken things could become whole when bound together in bed.
Her fingers feathered over my chest to my belt. Her touch grazed my cock as she struggled to get the buckle undone while I wedged so tight against her.
I stood on the precipice—seconds away from leaning back, letting her strip me, and hoisting her up to slip inside her.
But one thing stopped me.
One thing I held onto to prevent myself from fucking this up even more than I had.
Her mother.
Pim was no longer mine. She’d never been mine. She belonged to a parent. A parent who’d done unspeakable things. A parent who didn’t deserve her but still had ownership over this incredible woman who was her daughter.
“Pim…stop.” Pulling away, I clamped hands on her arms, pinning her down, stopping her fingers from opening my fly. “I’m not doing this again.”
She blinked, dazed and heated. “But—”
“I told you last night. I would only sleep with you once.” I let her go, backing away and dragging hands through my hair. “It’s over.”
Damp chocolate strands clung to her collarbone as she shook her head. “But I thought—”
“You thought nothing. We had our fun, and now we’re leaving.” Turning my back on her agony—the agony I’d caused—I muttered, “I’ll drop you off at the Phantom. I have to return to the warehouse for a few hours.” Bracing my hand on the doorjamb, I didn’t let her see my back-breaking pain. How my guts lassoed my heart and hung me out to dry. How my body trembled to spin around and drag her to the tiled floor. To mount her. To kiss her. To fuck her until we both couldn’t survive.
In a way, I was glad Selix had given me such terrible news. I focused on that. It gave me a boundary I couldn’t cross. I used it now, replacing what I wanted with what was best for Pim.
I cleared my throat, still tasting her on my tongue. “Once I finish work, we need to talk.”
I’ll tell you something you won’t want to hear.
The sound of her jumping off the vanity followed by a soft groan of pain from abused bones tingled the back of my neck. Her electrical presence came closer. The softest flutter of her hand landed on my back. “If you need to talk…talk to me now.”
She thought I was the one who needed to spill things?
That I’d dump the rest of my heart out like I’d done the previous night?
Hell, no.
The next time we talked, every subject would be about her. I’d tell her what I knew and she’d better to all things holy tell me everything she knew in return. I wanted to know what school she went to. What her friends were called. What her favourite subject was. Her favourite movie, colour, smell, taste. I wanted to own her every memory, not because such things would solidify my feelings for her, but because I needed to make what was hers mine.
I needed it more than my next smoke or cello session.
I needed it too damn much.
Whirling around, I bared my teeth. “This isn’t about me. This is about you.”
Doubt filled her gaze, searching my face for clues on what the topic might be. “If it was about last night…”
“It’s not.”
Her eyebrows hung over her gaze in a wounded look. “Okay.” Energy filled her spine, inflating her to stand tall regardless she was naked. Once again, she was in the form of dress she preferred, and it looked fucking stunning on her. “Are we sailing somewhere new tonight?”
I fought the urge to close my eyes, so I didn’t drown under her perfection. So I didn’t stare at her nipples or the sleek lines of her belly leading to the one place I wanted more than anything.
“Tomorrow.” My voice was a scratch on vinyl. “In the morning, you have a few doctor visits. Then we’re setting sail.”
“Oh.” She looked down, her fingers darting as if she played an imaginary chord just like I did when I got stressed.
“Oh?” Every inch of me craved to capture her hands, to slip my fingers up her thigh and—
Goddammit, get it together.
“What’s wrong?” I huffed.
“Nothing.” She smiled bright, fake. Moving to push past me, she lowered her gaze, hiding her true thoughts.
I didn’t budge. “There’s something.” I crossed my arms, barricading her path. “Tell me.”
“It’s fine. Truly.”
“I don’t like liars, Pim. And I definitely don’t like people withholding the truth.”
Hypocrite.
Tell her. Right now. Tell her about her mother.
But I didn’t because I had fucking double standards and expected more from Pim than I did myself.
Bastard.
Pim swallowed, bracing her shoulders. “I just…I thought…you know what, it doesn’t matter. Never mind.”
I vibrated in frustration. For her to tempt me with conversation and then deny it…yeah, that isn’t gonna go down so well. Lust built. Self-control wavered. Danger brewed. “Everything about you matters, Pim. Every random thought. Every request you’re too afraid to say.” I lowered my voice, trying to hide my snarl. “Tell me and don’t refuse again.”
She threw her chin up in defiance. “You said you’d give me one night. You told me you’d take me. That we’d—” She waved her hand in the air. “You know.”
“Have sex.”
She glanced at her toes. “Yes.”
“And you’re disappointed? Hurt? Wishing you could take it all back?”
“No!” Her eyes popped wide. “Not at all. How could you even ask that?”
“I can ask because I knew you weren’t ready. I shouldn’t have used you like that.”
“You didn’t use me.” Her cheeks warmed. “I mean, last night…it was the best night of my life. You showed me how to own my body again. You showed me what it’s capable of yet—”
“Yet what?”
“You gave me something incredible, Elder. You gave me pleasure. You are
the first person I’m not afraid of. The first man I willingly want to touch and kiss. That’s huge. Life changing. You have no idea what that means to me.”
Heat twined its way around my heart, but I shot it away. “And your point is?”
She flinched a little at my cold-heartedness but pushed on. “My point is I was only able to come and enjoy what happened between us because you let me touch you. You let me kiss you. You let me use you as my anchor.”
I didn’t see her point. My arms shook as I battled the need to either yell at her to spit it out or run. Run back to the Phantom and grab my cello, so I had something to do with my hands, my mind, my sanity.
“Wrap it up, Pim. I’m late.”
Work was a good excuse. It wasn’t running if I had prior engagements.
She slammed her hands on her hips. “What I’m trying to say, Elder, is you can’t give me something like that and then refuse to give it again.”
A dark chuckle fell from my lips. “That’s the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard.”
“What? How?” Temper glowed in her eyes. “I just told you I was able to achieve an orgasm—something that was the holy grail never to be achieved for a girl like me—thanks to you. I just told you how much it meant to me to be able to touch you, kiss you, and now you’re telling me I can never have that again? Don’t you get it? I could only come because it was you. And now I don’t have you anymore. You want to talk and that only means one thing.”
“What does it mean?”
“You’re sending me away. You’ve had me, and now, I’m not a challenge.” Furious tears tracked down her face. “You give me something I never thought I could enjoy, and it comes with time limits and caveats!” Her little fist struck my chest. “I would rather you never showed me what love could be like because now I not only know abuse but I know the pain of being alone!”
Grabbing her hands as she went to hit me again, I yanked her against me. “That wasn’t love, little mouse. That was fucking.”
“It wasn’t fucking, and you know it! There was something there. If there wasn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to do what I did. I wouldn’t be standing here screaming at you to give it to me again.”
“Give it to you again?” I swooped forward, spinning her around and slamming her against the door. “You want my cock again?” Wedging my body along hers, I growled, “I warned you, Pim. Once is all I could give you. You already had me twice. Don’t push your luck.”
“Twice? The first time wasn’t sex, Elder. That was rape!”
I locked down.
Muscles, skeleton, heart, and soul. Locked down into a tiny box where nothing could touch me.
Throwing her away, I backed up. “You’re right. It was. And that’s why whatever this is…it’s through.”
She laughed like a deranged necromancer. “I just told you I want more. That I don’t care about the first time. That I only care about what happened last night. And all you can focus on is ending it! I want more, Elder. Not less. I’ve never wanted something for myself other than freedom, and now I’m asking for more of you, and you don’t want to give it!”
Stalking me, she crammed me against the vanity where only moments ago, I’d been the one controlling things. “I know I’m making this difficult on you. And I know I shouldn’t. At dinner last night, I promised myself I wouldn’t ask for more than what you wanted to give. But why can it only be the once? I don’t understand. We can figure something out. We have to figure something out. You need to master me? Well, master me! Tell me what you need so I can get what I need.”
I braced every part of me, ignoring all the invitations and solutions she was willing to give. “What you need is a good fucking hiding for thinking you can manipulate me.”
She stood stock-still, bare toes white on the marble tiles. “That’s what you want? Have you been lying to me this entire time? That you aren’t protecting me but secretly wanting to beat me…like him?”
I snarled. “Don’t ever compare me to him. It’s a turn of phrase, that’s all.”
“Well, what am I supposed to think?” She threw her hands up. “Was I that terrible? Was sleeping with me such an awful experience that you’re using your OCD as an excuse, so you don’t have to touch me again?”
Arguing with me was never a good thing.
Throwing accusations that were completely false right in my goddamn face was a red flag to a raging bull.
My hand came up. My fingers wrapped around her throat. I forced her against the wall. “Don’t ever speak to me like that again. You don’t know me.”
Her fingernails scratched at my wrists. The age-old panic of her neck being touched sent her straight to her past. If I was a better man, I would let her go. I would gather her in a hug and tell her the truth—that I was doing my best to protect her all while hurting her.
But I wasn’t.
So I didn’t.
Instead, my fingers tightened until she hung submissive and listening in my hold. “You’re wrong on everything.”
Her lips thinned, but she didn’t retaliate. Her entire concentration was used on remaining here with me and not letting her mind disengage to remove the threat of my hold.
I would use that to my advantage.
“You have to know why you’re wrong.” I stepped closer, crowding her against the wall. “You must know.”
Light pinpricked through the anger in her gaze. She wouldn’t speak, not while I held her larynx but I could.
It was her turn to fucking listen.
“Last night, I came twice and didn’t soften. Last night, I got to bed a girl who I can’t stop thinking about.” With my free hand, I tucked damp hair behind her ear. “I want that again. I want to bend you over and fill you, right here, right now.” My cock sprang up, wanting to admit how cruel I was to deny my need to fuck her with every breath. “But if I do that, little mouse, that’s all I’ll be able to do for the rest of goddamn time.”
She sucked in a breath.
With that breath, the fight left her body, her hate shimmered into sadness, and she melted into an angel I could no longer hurt—physically or verbally.
My temper snuffed out as quickly as it had built.
“Last night meant a lot to me, too. But that’s beside the point.” My fingers slid away, resting on her collarbone. “Please don’t make it any harder than it already is.”
We stared in silence for a long pause, accepting that this was over.
“I’m sorry, Elder.” She sighed heavily, swiping at the tears on her cheeks. “I became selfish. I guess, I hoped…” She looked up with sudden determination. “You have no idea what you did for me last night. You brought me here, you showed me romance, and connection, and togetherness. You took me out to dinner and showed me what love could be like. I need you to know how grateful I am, and even if we never get to do that again, at least I know what I’m searching for when I go home.” She gave me a sad smile. “I have a comparison of what I want and will never settle.”
My heart bruised then set fire to itself at the thought of her with another man. A nice man. A man who would marry her and dote on her and kiss her good night for the rest of their lives.
It hurt.
It fucking killed.
It was exactly what had to happen.
I backed away.
Coming toward me, she took my hand and pressed it against her face. Kissing my palm, she nodded as if she’d finally accepted my terms. “Thank you, Elder. For everything.”
Pulling away, her gaze softened. “There’s only been one man I’ve loved, and he was taken away from me when I was far too young. I loved my father. And even though we haven’t had much time together, I want you to know, I love you, too. Maybe not the traditional kind of love or in-love between a couple who found their way through fewer messed-up beginnings but a love that is forever fundamental. I love you for rescuing me. I love you for helping me. I love you for showing me the true meaning of lust when I was so afraid.”
&
nbsp; Her shoulder kissed mine as she moved naked and regal toward the bathroom door. “I won’t make the rest of our time together any harder on you. I’ll go get dressed.”
I couldn’t move.
Literally couldn’t fucking move.
My heart had stopped beating. It had to have. It was replaced by some supernova catastrophic starburst.
She’d used the word love.
She’d said she loved me. Not in love with me. Not family obligation love. Not friendship love. A love that I’d earned. A love that could never be bought or broken.
Love.
The one element I’d been denied.
The one emotion that’d crippled me beyond measure because it’d been taken away, and I never expected to get it back. To find someone other than my family to give it to me? To have her grant me such a selfless, wonderful gift?
It made my knees buckle.
Did I deserve such a thing?
Had I shown her what love could be like?
Hell no.
I’d done a shitty job.
I’d been cold and ruthless and only worried for myself. I hadn’t let myself fall. I didn’t show her a fraction of what it could be like between us. And now, I never would because she would command me to take her home the moment she heard about her mother.
She’d take me up on my offer for her freedom, and I’d be left on my yacht alone, empty, and cursing the very ground she walked upon for ruining what was left of me.
I moved.
My legs, my body, my heart.
“Pim, wait.”
She spun around, her dress from last night in her hands and shock upon her face.
I barrelled into her, gathered her up, and stormed toward the bed.
She let out a gust of surprise as I placed her gently on the mattress, climbed on top, and kissed her.
In that moment, I wasn’t battling my own needs but giving her everything she deserved.
I kissed her sweetly, delicately, adoringly.
Her mouth parted, her tongue touched mine, and her moan echoed in my heart far louder than in my ears.
My hips pressed into her belly, fully revealing just how much I wanted her. Not just once or twice or a thousand times. But forever—if a man like me could ever hope for such a thing.