That did it. My heart skidded to a stop. Alex had a girlfriend and he’d used her name and the word ‘love’ in the same sentence.
‘The woman who tamed Jack,’ Alex continued. ‘I have to hand it to her, she’s done something no other woman has been able to.’
I shook my head and felt my heart start to beat once more. ‘I don’t get it. What are you saying?’ I turned to Jack. ‘You – you have a girlfriend?’
Jack, to my knowledge – which clearly had great big supernova-sized holes in it – was about as likely a candidate for boyfriendhood as I was for getting the attendance award this year at school. Flings, flirtations, one-night dalliances, but Jack usually ran screaming from commitment. Or maybe not. Maybe in the last three years I really had stopped knowing him.
‘Yep, little sis, I do have a girlfriend,’ he said.
My jaw fell open. I stood up and hopped onto the counter next to the stove so I could look directly at Jack. ‘I want details.’
‘Her name is Sara. Get the mustard.’ He turned, holding a sizzling pan towards the table.
‘Sara who? I don’t know where you keep the mustard. Don’t change the subject.’
Alex moved to my side of the stove and stretched over me to open the cupboard behind my head. I had to duck slightly to avoid the door. As I leaned out of the way, I brushed up against his outstretched arm. My thoughts suddenly detoured as my heart accelerated. The cupboard banged behind me and Alex turned to hand the mustard to Jack. In the second his head was in profile to me, I burnt every single detail of him into my mind like it was photo paper and he was the sun.
He was so close I would only have had to move my face an inch or two forwards to press my lips against his neck. I resisted the urge to trace the shadow of stubble along his jawline to the hollow of his chin. His dark blond hair had been recently crew-cut – I could tell by the thin white line that traced his hairline at the nape of his neck, which stood out against his tan. There was a crease by his eyes that looked suspiciously like the beginnings of a laughter line. I felt a pang of jealousy that someone else was making him laugh, getting to hear him laugh. I was entirely pathetic, I realised that.
Alex turned back towards me as though he sensed me examining him and I looked away, glancing over his shoulder at the steaks Jack had put on the table. I suddenly felt a warmth against the bare skin of my waist, where my top had ridden up over my jeans. Then I was lifted clean off the counter and placed gently on the floor. I tilted my head up. He’d definitely grown too, he was an inch or two taller than Jack now. Alex moved his hands from my waist and gave me a quick smile.
‘Dinner?’ he said, inclining his head towards the table. He pulled out my chair and I pretty much fell into it. He pushed it in and took the chair diagonally opposite.
I gathered myself and focused on Jack. ‘So, come on, start talking. Who’s Sara? Where’d you meet her?’
Jack sat down opposite me. ‘She works with us, with our unit.’ His eyes flicked to Alex.
‘She’s great,’ Alex said.
I didn’t like Alex calling any girl, even my brother’s girlfriend, great. A hideous thought surfaced like a shark. Just because Sara wasn’t his girlfriend didn’t mean he didn’t have one. But if he had, would Jack have said he lived in a bachelor pad? I didn’t know which version I’d rather was true. It was like playing Russian roulette with a full chamber.
‘But I thought women weren’t allowed into the Recon Marines?’ I knew this as I had googled it to check.
‘They aren’t. She’s not a Marine. She’s a neuroscientist.’
That stopped me in my tracks. ‘A neuroscientist? Why would you need a neuroscientist in your unit?’
I caught the sideways look Alex was giving Jack. As though he too was interested to see what Jack would say. This was bizarre.
‘Um, well, it’s sort of standard practice,’ Jack fumbled.
It was? What kind of weird stuff was the army doing these days? I narrowed my eyes at him.
‘So, you’re dating someone who studies brains? Is this an experiment for her or something?’
‘Ha ha.’
‘How old is she?’ I was sure that neuroscientists didn’t just leave university after three years. Jack must have an older woman.
‘Twenty-six.’ He caught my eye. A warning to stop right there.
I bit back my original response. ‘So, how long have you two been dating? Where does she live?’ I asked.
‘Eight months. She lives on the base.’
‘I thought you said your unit lived off base?’ Hah – I’d caught him out.
He continued smoothly, ‘We do. She doesn’t. It’s better for her being on base.’
‘Why?’ I asked.
‘Can you pass the mustard?’ Alex interrupted, reaching over and giving Jack a hard stare.
Then he turned to me. ‘So, talking of living arrangements . . .’
I stared at him now. I always knew when these two were being shifty. Like the time I’d walked into Jack’s bedroom and found them acting in exactly the same way. Trying to distract me. They’d been trying to hide a copy of Playboy.
Alex’s words still hung in the air. They were both staring at me with questions, actually one question, in their eyes. It was a dual-pronged attack. I cut a piece of steak to buy some more time. The steak knife had a serrated edge. I put it down on my plate and stared at it. I suddenly didn’t feel like eating.
‘Lila, are you going to tell us why you’re here?’
I looked at Jack and the words wouldn’t come. I didn’t know how to tell him. The secret had been inside me for so long it wouldn’t come out. I didn’t know how to find the words to even describe it. And besides I was going cold turkey. There was no point in telling them. I could make up a thousand excuses but the real truth of it was I couldn’t bear the thought of Alex looking at me like I was a freak. It was bad enough that he looked at me as Jack’s sister.
I took a breath. ‘It’s revision time,’ I tried. ‘I just thought on a whim that it would be a good time to come and check out colleges.’
‘Colleges?’ Jack was frowning.
‘Yeah, you know, the places that you go to get a further education? Or, alternatively, the places you drop out of when you decide to join up.’
‘Very funny. You’re on form tonight, Lila. Why are you looking at colleges over here?’
He didn’t seem happy. I looked at Alex, who had stopped chewing and was now eyeing me carefully. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Damn, he could be so contained sometimes.
‘I thought college over here would be better. San Diego University has a good reputation. Or there’s USC . . .’ I petered out.
‘Lila . . . I’m not sure California’s such a good idea.’
His words shot through me, making my insides curl.
‘I . . . but . . . I can’t stay in England.’
‘Look, it isn’t that I don’t want you here. It’s just . . .’ He fumbled around for the words. ‘There are safer places.’
Yeah, safe like south London, I thought. It crossed my mind that I should just tell him about being mugged. Maybe then he’d see the logic of his argument was seriously flawed. But that would just open a huge can of worms. And, anyway, there was no logic to his argument. Oceanside was hardly a hotbed of crime. A great big army base up the road had to act like a flashing siren to most criminals except the truly stupid ones. But then why did he have the crazy alarm on the house? Maybe Oceanside was some crime capital and I just didn’t know about it. But still.
Suddenly Jack’s eyes narrowed. He put his knife and fork down. ‘Is this about a boy?’
‘What?’ Where did that come from? My mind seized up at the totally unexpected twist. ‘A boy? What? No!’
Did he know about Alex? Was I that obvious? Were they both onto me? For years I’d been plotting my escape back here for college and my reasoning had been nothing to do with the diversity of study options and all to do with a boy. Though he wasn’t technically a boy
now.
‘Then why the suddenness? That couldn’t have waited? You’re not going to college for over a year.’
Yes, he had me on that one.
‘You left in the middle of the night. You didn’t even call. Just sent an email. What were you planning on doing if I hadn’t got it?’
‘Um, catching a bus?’
‘Lila.’ Jack was irritated now. ‘You can’t just skip off halfway around the world without telling anyone first.’
‘I emailed you,’ I said, ‘and I left a note for Maria.’
‘Forget the email, leaving a note for the housekeeper doesn’t count. You knew she’d call Dad and that he’d call me. He wasn’t – well, let’s just say he wasn’t that happy.’ Jack paused.
I knew he hadn’t spoken to Dad in a long time and could just imagine the tension between them buzzing down the line like interference.
‘I told him you’d be fine with me – but you need to call him tomorrow first thing.’
‘Jack, do we have to talk about this now?’ The evening was going rapidly downhill. Alex was looking serious and I was feeling fed up. I’d always known I’d have to talk to Dad at some point but with the phone I always had the option of hanging up. With Jack and Alex, there was no such easy way out. And it was clear they were both trained in interrogation. They had probably topped the class.
‘Lila, what if I hadn’t been here? What would you have done then?’
I looked over at Alex. His expression hadn’t changed, was still unreadable. He didn’t look like he was about to jump in and rescue me.
‘I, guess, I . . . I don’t know. I didn’t think about that.’
But I would have been fine, I wanted to yell. I can look after myself. Have been looking after myself pretty well, actually, all things considered. I looked down at my plate. Tears were pricking behind my eyes. I couldn’t believe we’d moved from banter to parental lecture, and from my brother of all people, in the space of ten seconds.
‘Well, maybe you should have thought first.’
I shot him a look. What was he saying? That I shouldn’t have come? That he didn’t want me here? I heard my knife and fork clatter on the plate and the chair scrape the lino as I pushed back from the table. I didn’t want to sit here anymore, being interrogated. I needed air. I stumbled to the back door, yanked it open and stepped outside, letting the screen slam behind me. I could hear Alex saying something to Jack and the sound of a chair moving.
I tried to pull myself together before one of them came out after me. I looked around. I was on the back veranda. I went to lean against the waist-high ledge, looking out at the silhouettes of two palm trees waving against the mauve sky. The door behind me opened gently but I didn’t hear anyone move. I turned my head slightly to look. It was Alex. He was standing only a foot or so behind me.
‘Lila.’ He spoke softly, almost a whisper. ‘Are you OK?’
‘Yeah, I’m just fine,’ I said.
He put his hand on my shoulder and I closed my eyes as my body unwound like a sigh.
‘Hey,’ he said, twisting me gently around so he could look at me. His eyes burnt blue, even in the dark. His hand dropped from my shoulder and I felt my body tense up again. ‘It’s only because he cares about you,’ he said.
‘He doesn’t want me here.’ I looked at him for reassurance that I was imagining it, but it wasn’t forthcoming.
‘It’s not that, Lila. He’s just worried about you. You arrived out of the blue, with only some flimsy excuse about college.’
‘It wasn’t an excuse . . .’ But even to my own ears, that sounded feeble.
Alex cocked his head to the side and gave me a half-smile. ‘Lila, how long have I known you? You don’t think I see through you in a second?’
I hoped I wasn’t that transparent or I was in trouble.
‘Look,’ he said. ‘You don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to. You’re with us and you can stay as long as you need to. I’ll get Jack off your back for now, but you should talk to him, he’s your brother.’
As long as I need to, he’d said. Hmmm, I didn’t think he realised that that might mean forever.
Alex was right, though, I did need to talk to Jack. I had to try to get him to realise I wasn’t a kid anymore. That if I chose to go to college here, he couldn’t actually stop me. I’d bite the bullet and even finish another year of school in London if I had to, but I was coming back here the day my last exam was over. The thing was, I wanted them both to want me here too, otherwise I might as well stay in England.
I heard the door swing open again as Jack came out to join us. He moved swiftly past Alex, patting him lightly on the back as he passed, as though he was saying Thanks, I’ll take it from here. Alex took the hint and turned around and went back into the kitchen. I had an overwhelming desire to follow him but Jack came up next to me. I leaned into his shoulder and sighed as his arm came around my back.
‘Sorry, sis. I just – I got your email and I was worried. That’s all. It just seemed like something must have happened – to make you leave like that. It’s not like you to run away.’
‘I wasn’t running away. I was running to, there’s a difference.’
‘It’s still running, Lila.’
‘Nothing’s happened, Jack. You don’t need to worry about me.’
‘Of course I worry about you. I worry about you every day. You’re my little sis.’
‘I’m not little anymore, Jack.’
‘You’re always going to be my little sis.’
I knew I couldn’t argue with that.
‘I’m really glad you’re here, Lila.’ He kissed the side of my head. ‘I’ve missed you. You can stay as long as you want, a week, two weeks, whatever. Let’s talk about it in the morning.’
A week or two? My heart burnt at the thought. That wasn’t nearly going to be long enough.
4
It was just gone two in the morning and I was sitting bolt upright in bed, the bed sheet balled in my fists. My heart was pumping like I’d just done a cross-country sprint – I could hear the blood drumming in my ears. I took a while to focus on my surroundings, letting my eyes adjust to the darkness. My heart rate slowed as I recognised where I was and the adrenaline began to leach away. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and sat there for a few moments, staring into the fuzzy dark.
Vivid dreams were something I was used to. After my mum died I’d had the same nightmare for months, of her running panicked through our house, her dress hosed down with red. In those dreams, I was always the one chasing her, watching her ricochet off furniture and stumble blindly before tripping on the bottom stair. Then she’d look back at me over her shoulder and start screaming and screaming in my face until her screams woke me up.
But tonight I’d gone one better. The usual nightmare was back, this time in high definition. I could smell her blood. It was like rust and late cherries. I could see the wooden whorls in the grain of the banister spinning like tops. As per the norm, the dream played out with my mum tripping on the stair, looking back over her shoulder and screaming at me. But instead of waking up as I always did, my viewpoint switched so I wasn’t in front of her anymore, I was above her, watching her die from a distance. But then I’d seen myself, in school uniform, with ripped tights and a pale, wide-eyed face, holding the same knife I’d nearly taken the mugger’s eye out with. The blood was trickling down its serrated edge and I felt it dripping warm and sticky over my hand. Then I woke up.
I ran my fingers through my hair, pulling out the hairband that had come loose. I had to get some water. Had to shake the image in my head and, while I was at it, stop obsessing over what I had or hadn’t almost done to that boy back in London.
I tiptoed into the hallway. Jack’s light was out. I didn’t want to wake him, I knew he had to get up early for work tomorrow, so I crept down the stairs as silently as I could, which wasn’t all that silently as the stairs creaked badly. I paused halfway down to listen – no noise from his
room. It clearly didn’t take too much to outwit a Special Forces operative.
My bare feet squeaked on the lino in the kitchen, I wandered to the fridge and stood there for about five minutes staring at the photo of my mum laughing, trying to burn the image over the top of the dream one. Maybe that was why Jack had it there too, in an effort to erase the other, much worse pictures that the imagination could produce. Eventually, I pulled open the fridge door and let the cool condensed air wash over me, luxuriating in the goose-bumps pricking my skin.
‘You’re not hungry, are you?’
I let out a yelp then covered my mouth with my hand to suppress a scream.
‘What the heck? You scared the hell out me,’ I whispered, hanging on to the fridge door for support as my heart restarted. It couldn’t take much more of these adrenaline spikes.
Alex was standing an inch behind me. He’d snuck up on me from God knows where. I revised my estimation of Marine recon training. I turned slowly, giving him a look, and staggered to the table.
‘Sorry,’ he said, looking at me with concern as he flicked on the overhead light.
‘S’OK,’ I muttered, blinking in the sudden glare. ‘I just wasn’t expecting to see you, is all. Thought you’d gone back to your place.’
‘Yeah, we, um . . .’ He hesitated and I looked up. ‘We had a little situation at work, Jack had to go and take care of it, so I came over to sleep on the sofa, in case you woke up and didn’t know where he’d gone.’
I smiled and shook my head at him. ‘Usually a note works just fine.’
He was wearing the same blue jeans that he’d had on earlier, but had taken off his shirt and was now wearing only a white T-shirt. It was physically painful to tear my eyes away from his shoulders and arms, like ripping a Band-Aid from my eyelids. The same black inked tattoo that I’d seen on Jack covered the curve of his upper arm and I wanted to press my fingers against it and indent it into my hand.
When I managed to force my mind back onto a less X-rated track, I realised he was glancing downwards and his face wore a questioning expression. With a start, I remembered I was wearing only a T-shirt that came halfway down my thighs, just covering the bruise that I’d gotten from the bike and knife incident. But it wasn’t my bare legs he was looking at, or the bruise.