I’m Still Growing
Part One:
T.I.M.E.
By: Jessica Barnes SDG
Copyright 2015 Jessica Barnes
Contents:
As with Elijah
Babel
Bottled Up
Cinderella for Bubble Boy
Clothed in Righteousness
The Crack in My Heart
Glass House
Growing Backwards
Ice
Jacob
Lightning
Listen
Monster
Pep Talk
Pretty Dresses
Rain
Rapunzel
Redeemed
Regret
Submit to God
Untitled (Originally written in the snow)
When
Where the Leaves Fall
As with Elijah
Inspired by 1 Kings 19:11-13
You are a good and gentle God.
You come in whispers,
Eager to show your face.
Yet careful not to crush us
With your overwhelming presence.
As waves in a tide you wash over us,
Carving away all blemishes
And then lulling our hearts
With warm blessings,
And fresh air.
We may not see you,
But you make your presence known
In the wind
In the earthquake
And in the fire.
But in the still small voice, you come.
You are always reaching for us
despite our doubts
Sinking and swelling below the surface.
Knowing the stones we cast
When we are a stone’s throw away
From being there ourselves,
You created us still.
You knew we would crumble but
You were already working
on the clay to mend,
Insisting we are yours
And we will rise again.
Babel
Inspired by Genesis 11:1-9
I built my dreams upon the Earth.
I wanted to meet you,
To see you,
To feel you.
For you to say
‘It’s okay,’
And to hold me close
Once again.
But my visions incarnate fell away.
I found myself within a vacuum.
I could not breathe.
I could not see.
The lights in the distance that
I so long yearned for
Blurred into nothingness.
Yet a celestial hand came
And brought me down to Earth
He laid His body out before me
Slain
Sacrificed
And sanctified
And used it as a bridge to cross.
I found Him on the other side
With open arms
And open smile.
Warm hearts met
And He wiped my tears
For all my dreams
I cried so long for.
Then I smiled
Because my one true dream
Was fulfilled at last.
Bottled Up
A heart unsatisfied
Paces the floors tonight.
Closed doors
To keep out the noise
Of pent-up frustration.
This house is a bottle.
Feelings stuffed inside,
Shoved under the bed
For another night.
Oh the letters I’ve wrote,
Feelings to convey
That which could not be heard
In this weary state.
The morning sobers all things
Of the night’s aches and pains,
The scars,
The shame.
Forgiveness offered
With hesitation,
For nights to come
With no cessation.
Cinderella for Bubble Boy
I hate this thing inside of me -
This mental incapacity
I think but I cannot say.
I dream but I cannot do.
You sit there right in front of me.
Your smile is what sets me free.
Your eyes bring hope that won’t decay.
I want to say I love you.
You told me the other day
That you found someone
You want me to meet.
Who is it?
She takes my grunt as permission to proceed.
She brings in him.
Many times I wish to cry out.
Many times I wish to protest.
The preacher asks are there any objections.
I stand and say I do.
Yet I am here sitting to this day.
No words but grunts and awkward giggles.
No one hears me.
Clothed in Righteousness
What is this thread?
This string?
This cloth?
From the beginning you
Wove us to be beautiful.
Then we tore at your tapestry
Your beautiful design,
But nothing could ruin your work.
You kept weaving.
The mother clothed her child
In rainbows and dreams
His brothers sold his soul
And slaughter sheep
To hide their deed.
The fabric may be stained
By the sons of this Earth,
But what they mean for harm
You use for your good work.
You kept weaving.
Famine comes but you prevail.
This forgotten son stored the bail
Of wheat, the ransom
For the nation’s greed.
This torn dream
You use for good indeed!
Seasons pass,
And they forget
Raising up kings that
Thought naught to clothe its people
But the Father kept weaving
He sent the Lamb that covers all
The one that’s wool spun the Earth
And yet the earthly “king”
Clothed the Lamb
Only to crucify and condemn
The one who came
Not to condemn, but mend
The frayed threads
To its creator.
And the Lamb dyed crimson there
The stain of its sons
Dawn the new hue
For a Son of many Sons.
And the Son kept weaving.
The Crack in my Heart
I feel forgotten.
So many other things demand your attention
and I know it’s all for your good.
But I sit and wait patiently on this shelf
Hoping you’ll remember your promise.
I risk death to see you.
I understand the other things are important but
I just want you to miss me like I miss you.
Glass House
Glass House,
Glass Floor,
Iron Ceiling,
Melting Walls,
All the space in the world,
And no place to live
Growing Backwards
from Colored Ice
Will stopping clocks make time stand still,
If only for a while?
I want to see your laughter resound
for all the world to hear.
I want to feel the warmth of your smile.
I want you always to be near.
Ice
from Colored Ice
You think I’d be light
Like a cloud,
But this weight tethers me
To the ground.
I want to be where you are,
But I’m frozen here
Without your breath.
I feel my lungs shrivel up.
I lay down to sleep
Just for a little while.
Maybe I’ll remember
Or better, forget it all.
Jacob
Inspired by Genesis 32:22-29
I know I have done wrong by my brother.
I know I have whittled this shell to dust.
Look at me,
This man, this cowering creature!
Awaiting the darkness to come
Take the love of my life:
My child, my wife,
My gold, my treasure
For I fear for my life -
Oh what have I become?
Even in the darkness,
I fight you.
I cannot rest until dawn.
There, you humble me -
Broken and crippled.
There I know I’ve seen God.
Lightning
from Colored Ice
Energy gathers in my breast
When I see your face.
My stomach feels unsettled
My skin starts to sweat.
I can’t help the deep laughter
Booming from my lungs.
There is pain because
I want to see you
Yet we are so far apart.
I can’t take it anymore.
Heat surges through me
Illuminating the the lonely night.
I reach out for you
And our fingers touch.
Only for an instant
But fire consumes you.
I watch in horror from above
As you waste away.
Through the ashes
I watch you grow.
The distance gnaws at my soul,
Yet I remember in disgust
At what I am.
Swollen sadness
Leaks as I’m about to burst.
My laughter turns into a cry -
Outrage fuming from deep inside.
Listen:
Shh Shh Just Listen
Can you hear the wave rolling over a distant land?
The patter of the forest creature,
Scattering amongst the fallen leaves,
The makings of the great I Am?
Monster
from Colored Ice
They say I lurk in the corners
And under your beds.
I whisper the thoughts
That run through your head,
But the stolen trinkets
Are your misplaced thoughts.
Your machinations
Are of your own twisted being.
So let me sleep here
Where the dusted hares lie
And remember that the monster
Is already inside.
Pep Talk
Take heed of your past
But do not let it define you.
Live your life with love and joy,
And let everything remind you
Of a future full of hope
Because you are found.
Pretty Dresses
Pretty beads everywhere
A dash of sparkles in their hair
The twinkle in each young girl’s eye
That can still be seen in each aged sigh
That feeling that you’re beautiful
A bestowed value upon their heads
A fallacy of persuasion
Spoken with nothing said
But the smile in each eye
And in the aged sigh
This value never questioned
-Why?
Why don’t they know they know their inner value?
-Priceless.
A love so powerful has bought them
When a bond so strong has kept them
Redemption is left
All ugliness has gone
Rain
The sky is falling!
The sky is falling!
Look Mama!
The sky is falling!
Oh Darling girl,
My darling girl,
The sky is weeping,
That is all.
The sky is weeping!
The sky is weeping!
Mama, why is the sky is weeping?
Oh Darling girl,
My darling girl,
The days are long and bitter.
And yet today,
It weeps to see
once more your darling smile
Rapunzel
Her golden countenances glistens
As her mouth conveys a bird’s morning hymn.
She greets you and the world is well,
But inside you feel the tides swell
And rock her very core
For you know she’s bleeding.
You can see her limp.
But her eyes are ferocious.
They’d fight for your life in a heartbeat.
She’d see you smile if it cost her breath.
If only she’d turn that power for herself.
You want to hold her and her broken wing,
To see her fly again
But only she can choose to fly.
She waits in the cage.
You do not understand.
You are an outsider,
An onlooker,
Someone at the window
Who was blessed to hear her merry tune.
Redeemed
In Reference to “The cracked jar” by Paulo Coelho
Although the cracked jar cannot hold water,
many flowers bloom in its path.
Regret
I tread upon the earth with laughter.
Alas these fumbling legs
Mangled that which I
Solemnly tried to protect, yet
Owning up to my mistakes I feel
Rendered desolate, stomach twisted
Reeling with thoughts of remorse,
Yearning to be close again.
Submit to God
You have already chosen me
Why worry about my inadequacy?
You have already known me
Well before you paid for my work with your blood
You bought me for the highest price
when the world claimed my fate was already set in stone
I am your child
One you could never
Will never
Turn your back on.
You know my weaknesses
Like Moses,
my words fail me.
Like the kings,
I am prone to jealousy, greed, and pride.
Like the sons and daughters of Abraham,
I am prone to forget my Father
Like your disciples,
I fall asleep on the job.
Like Thomas,
I doubt your great works and your great love.
And yet,
despite this lack of faith,
You are faithful.
You have remembered me as your child
And redeemed the blood line and inheritance of humanity
by sacrificing your own.
You are a good good father.
And I am loved by you.
Untitled (Originally written in snow):
She is the snow of a new morn.
How dare I trample upon her.
And yet as I sit here writing,
I have tarnished her purity
When
When do I wake up
And join the life of the breathing?
I departed from the world I love to just be me.
In that, I thought I’d be set free,
But the creator created me for community,
To love one another in perfect uni
ty.
Where the Leaves Fall
from Colored Ice
All life is a medium
Through which my art flows
But it passes quickly,
Shrivels, and dies in an instant.