“Do you use your ‘brain to mouth filter’ often with me Suzanne?”
“Of course.” What?! SHIT! “No! I really don’t Mack. I’m fine. Sorry I just get confused when you talk about that kind of sex, I mean stuff. That kind of stuff. Shit. Mack, please don’t touch me.” Dammit! I’m losing it. Breathe.
“Suzanne, I would like you to take a deep breath and look at me. I’m not moving near you and I’m not touching you. I’m just looking at you. I want you to remember that I won’t hurt you no matter what you say or do. You are safe with me Suzanne.”
“I know. I just need a minute to breathe Mack. Okay? Just don’t talk for a minute… please.”
And as silence continues, I realize Mack is right- I always think of everything badly. Everything is ‘The Big Three’- always. Even non sex is somehow categorized into my head as ‘The Big Three’. It’s gentle, mediocre or brutal, always. Everything is, and every person is gentle, mediocre, or brutal. That’s it. Period. I seem to place all events and even people into these three categories.
“Mack. I think I may have just had an epiphany of sorts, but I’m begging you to let me talk about it later, AFTER Marcus leaves. I just can’t do it yet. It has to do with everything, and Z, and everyone, and how I do categorize everything and everyone. I know I do it, and I’m sure there is some perfectly shrinky reason for it, but I just don’t want to do this right now. Its 11:25 and I really need a little nap before Marcus arrives.”
“Suzanne, you just woke up…”
“I know, but I’m most strong and, like, clear or something after I wake up. I just want to rest for an hour, that’s all. You can stay or go, maybe find Kayla. Oh, is she here this morning? If she is, go find her, fake a doctor emergency, and then take her to the gross cafeteria for breakfast, or I guess lunch now. Yes. Do something like that. Mack?” Why is he just staring at me?
“Suzanne, you’re behaving a little erratically at the moment. Can you tell me what has you feeling so stressed out? I know you, and I know when you’re pushing me away, or deflecting, and right now that is exactly what you’re doing. What is it? Just tell me Suzanne, and we’ll work through it together.”
“I can’t Mack. I really can’t. If I start now, I’ll start crying, and I won’t be ready for Marcus. And we both know I need to be ready for Marcus. Please just give me until 1:30, and then wake me. I’ll be ready quickly for Marcus, and we can get it over with. Please, Mack?”
“That’s a little longer than a quick nap Suzanne, but if you honestly believe you need it, then certainly. I’ll entertain myself elsewhere, and be back by 1:30 sharp. Are you sure Suzanne? That doesn’t leave you much time to prepare yourself for Marcus.”
“Yup. I’m good. I know what I’m wearing already, and my shoes are picked out. All I need to do is brush my teeth, reapply my lipstick, get dressed and we’re on our way. Mack, honestly, you’re wasting my nap time. Go. I’m fine.”
“Okay Suzanne, I’ll see you shortly.”
CHAPTER 35
At 1:55 Mack and I leave my room, for the more impersonal conference offices. Mack's residual hospital privileges allow for him to book the room for the next 2 hours. God, I hope this meeting with Marcus isn't going to take two hours. Argh...
When we enter the room, Mack pulls a chair in the middle of the table for me, nearest the door. Sitting two seats over on my side of the table, Mack settles in with a kind of 'it's going to be okay' smile and shrug. God, I love him. He always knows what to do in any given situation, at any given time with me.
"Mack? I just want to tell you how much I love you, and how wonderful I think you are, no matter what happens." I whisper, and almost choke up. Dammit.
"Suzanne, you’re going to get through this, and I will not let anything or anyone hurt you. I promise. Oh, and I love you very much Suzanne." Mack winks, shrugs, and grins.
"Thanks, Mack." Big exhale.
Seconds later, there is a knock on the door. Jumping, my head whips around a little frantic looking at the door. Shit. What did I think was going to happen? Marcus magically appears in the chair across from me? Christ. Get a grip.
When Marcus enters, I just freeze. I have no breath. I don't have a single thought. I don't even think my heart is beating. Everything is just still. SHIT!
"Marcus. Please take a seat."
Mack offers the chair across the table from me. Dammit. Now I have to look at him, or at least in his direction.
"Thanks. You look lovely, honey. It's so..."
But already everything is wrong. Shaking my head, I can't help but start pulling at my hair. No names. NO NAMES! He isn't supposed to call me names. EVER. No one is allowed to call me names anymore. Mack promised. No one gets to call me a name.
"Marcus! As I discussed with you, countless times, this is SUZANNE, your wife, and I must insist that you use her proper name, SUZANNE. Do you understand?"
"Ah, yes. Sorry. I just always called her, hon..."
Christ, I actually hear myself moaning. What the hell is that? I'm moaning? JESUS! I sound psychotic. It's just a word. It's actually a good word. Most people don't think of that word as a bad word. It's really not that bad. Stop acting like a psycho. Shit.
"Suzanne? Suzanne can you talk to me? Would you like Marcus to leave the room for a minute so we can talk privately? Suzanne? Can you answer me?"
Mack gently reaches out, and takes my one hand into his. Oh, smart. Holding my hand stops me from pulling my hair out. Giggle. Shit. Don't start this. Not now. Marcus will hate me for sure. Then where do I go? Ooops, and there’s another giggle.
"Suzanne. I need you to talk to me. Right now. What are you thinking about?"
"Well, Mack, I was thinking how smart you are holding my hand so I don't rip all my hair out, then I was thinking that Marcus must despise this kind of behavior, which makes me giggle a little. Then I thought, 'Huh. Where do I go when Marcus decides he wants a divorce?’" And another giggle escapes.
"I don't hate you! And I, ah, don't want a divorce. I came to see when you were coming home with me."
"Coming home? With you? To Chicago? Are you INSANE? Why the hell would I go anywhere with you, Marcus?"
"What? Ah... I thought you wanted to come home."
"Why would you think that? Because I've been so keen to keep in touch with you? Or because I’ve seen you no more than 4 times in the last four months? Why Marcus? Why would you think I want to return to you, with you? Because you're 'Marcus'?"
"We're married. You're my wife, honey..."
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!! I am not her anymore. Fuck!" Wow. Marcus jumped at my swear. That's kinda funny actually.
"Suzanne. I want you to take a big breath for me, right now. Suzanne! Look at me! Now! I want you to turn and look at ME."
"Mack, I'm fine. I was just angry. I'm okay now, I promise. But maybe you could advise him over there, to not call me 'honey' one more fucking time, or I will not be held responsible for what I say or do to him."
"Actually, Suzanne, you will be held accountable for anything you say or do. I know you're freaked out right now, but that does not give you the right to physically react to Marcus. Do you understand me?” Dammit. Really?
"Poor sport," I exhale with a giggle.
"I know. I'm in Doctor-mode right now. Otherwise, I'd let you have at him..." What?!
Looking at Marcus, I'm done. Bursting out laughing, I can’t believe his face. Jaw wide open. Eyes kind of bugged out. His hands are shaking on the table. Jesus. Is he actually that afraid I'm going to assault him?
"Are you so afraid of me now Marcus?" I ask on a laugh.
"Um, no. I'm more shocked at how unprofessional you and Dr. MacDonald seem to be with each other," Marcus says while glaring at my Mack.
"DON’T ever go there, Marcus! Mack is the only person who has kept me alive and relatively sane through the absolute fucking nightmare that is my life. Mack is everything to me, and if you fuck with that, I will..."
"Suzanne! No threats. Period," Mack ba
rks at me.
"Sorry Mack, you're right. Marcus isn't really worth me hurting, is he?"
"Suzanne, I don't understand how you could be so angry with me. What have I ever done to you to deserve this animosity? I have been a good husband to you for 6 years. I have always treated you well, with few exceptions..."
What?! I can’t take the sound of Marcus’ voice any longer or his pretend innocence. I can’t take it, I just SNAP!
"How many times did you RAPE me, MARCUS? How many fucking times did you rip me open when I begged you to stop?! Oh. My. GOD! A good HUSBAND?! You're a FUCKING MONSTER, Marcus!!"
"Rape you? What the hell are you talking about? I've never raped you! I only ever did what you wanted?"
"Pardon? What did you just say to me?" I ask so calmly it seems to silence the room.
And before I know what’s happened, I've launched myself across the table right at Marcus. Grabbing onto his throat, I feel him falling backward in his chair taking me with him, even as I feel Mack grabbing me around the waist. Kicking at Mack, I continue trying to strangle Marcus.
"How dare you? How FUCKING dare you say that to me? I NEVER wanted you! I NEVER wanted you to fuck me! And I NEVER, EVER wanted you to RIP ME OPEN!!"
Clawing at him, hitting his face, pouring every anger I've ever had into Marcus. I feel amazing with my anger and vicious with my vindication. This is AWESOME!
Suddenly, I'm lifted and nearly tossed across the room. Mack has me pinned against the wall, even as I scream and glare at Marcus.
"I HATE YOU MARCUS! I HATE YOU SO MUCH! YOU’RE JUST LIKE THEM, JUST LIKE MY PARENTS, JUST LIKE THE MEN! YOU’RE ALL THE SAME! FUCK YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU! I WISH YOU WERE DEAD, MARCUS!"
"Suzanne! ENOUGH! If you don't stop this, I will sedate you! I swear to god Suzanne, one more word, and I'll knock you on your ass! DO YOU HEAR ME?!” Mack yells in my face.
"Sure Mack, I hear you. Save the rapist and FUCK the victim. I get it..."
"Don't you DARE go there with ME, Suzanne. Don't even think about it!"
"Fuck you Mack! Have him! Go fuck yourself, or fuck him, or fuck whoever, just stay the fuck away from me, and take Marcus with you!!" I scream right back in his face.
"SUZANNE! I don't understand what's happening here! I don't get it. Don't you remember? Don't you remember begging me to hurt you like that?" Marcus pleads.
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!"
"Your safe word Suzanne? The word you wouldn't use! You told me you would only have sex with me like that! You told me that was the only way! And I hated it! I fucking HATED it! And you knew I did! You used to laugh at me when you would bleed everywhere, and I had to leave the room... You loved it! You loved laughing at me! For 4 years, I had to fuck you so hard, I thought I was going to choke on the pain, but you just continued. It was fuck you like I wanted to kill you, or nothing. You made me do it! You made me MAKE YOU BLEED!! OVER AND OVER AGAIN... AND I FUCKING HATED IT!!
Whoosh. What? Am I breathing? Fuck! Am I falling? There is no air, and there is no light. I feel only blank pain and darkness. What happened? I don't even know where I am. Why is everything so still and silent?
==========
"Suzanne? Suzanne, it's time to come back now. I need you to come back to me. It's just you and I now. Marcus has left the room, and you and I are alone. Suzanne? I need you to come back to me."
I feel like there is an echo in my brain. Mack's words are there, and I can understand what he's saying, but nothing is clear, or sharp. There is a humming, and an echo, and I find it super distracting. Argh. The humming is very annoying actually.
"Suzanne? Come on back now. Your breathing is better, and I think you can hear me now. Come back now. I want you back with me. Suzanne?"
"I'm here... Mack... I think. My head hurts. Mack?"
"Suzanne, you're in shock. You just suffered such a massive panic-attack and hyperventilation, that I have you on oxygen. Can you feel the mask Suzanne? Can you feel me holding your hand?”
"Mack?"
Minutes, or hours later, I don't know, I try to open my eyes. Oh, weird, I'm in a different bed in a different room. How the hell did that happen?
"Um, Mack, how did I... What's going on?"
"Suzanne, you had a massive panic-attack, followed by vomiting, until you passed out. You've been unaware for close to forty minutes now. You were placed on this bed and cared for by the nursing staff and myself. You’re breathing much better and your vomiting has stopped. Can you try to sit up for me Suzanne?" I don't even remember throwing up. What the hell happened? Marcus!
"Where's Marcus? Did he touch me?"
"Of course not. I wouldn't have let him touch you. Marcus is sitting down the hall, waiting for you to recover some."
"I don't think I want him here. I can't. My brain isn’t really good right now, Mack. Can you make Marcus go away?"
"Suzanne. I need you to sit up a little. Here, let me take the oxygen mask from your face."
Once the mask is removed my head is a little less echoey. I seem to hear things a bit better. I seem to feel things a bit better. What the hell do I do now?
"Mack? Mack, can I just have a rest now? Can I please go back to my room? I'm really, really tired."
"I know you are Suzanne, but I think it's very important that we continue for just a little bit. I think you were understanding a little about your past with Marcus. I think you were..."
"I remember now. Please ask Marcus to come back."
"Suzanne you can take as long as you need."
"Now, Mack. Please get Marcus, now." Nodding, Mack leaves the room.
After a few minutes I decide to move. Swinging my legs around, I just touch the floor with my toes when my knees buckle. Falling, I am suddenly in Marcus arms. Fuck NO!!
"Don't touch me!! Don't ever touch me again, Marcus. I'm not yours to touch!" I yell while pulling myself back onto the bed.
"Suzanne! Marcus was just helping you up. I need you to focus on reality right now. Marcus was not hurting you, he was helping you."
Staring at Marcus, I think I remember. I see it. I think I remember.
"Marcus, what about the women? How many did you sleep with?" I whisper.
"Um, quite a few actually. Especially in the first 2 years." What?!
"Did you just say that? Did you just calmly say you have slept with quite a few women while we were married? You’re incredible, you know that?!"
"Um, Suzanne, you told me to. Don't you remember? You said I had to get it elsewhere..." Marcus says as he sits in the chair across from my bed.
In the silence that follows, I just pause. What the fuck is he talking about? I said what? Does he honestly think I believe this shit? I have to breathe. I have got to keep it together.
"Marcus, could you please explain to me what you're talking about.”
"Um, okay. Suzanne when we were first married you refused to have sex with me. I mean vehemently refused, especially on our wedding night. Do you remember that?"
"Sorry, no. Go on." Man, I'm like awesome calm right now.
"Anyway, you refused, like forever. I wanted to go to marriage counseling but you refused. I tried to get you to see a doctor, even an OBGYN, in case you had some female issue, but again you refused. I tried everything and I was so patient. Finally, I just lost it one night. I think I said something like, ‘you either put out or I was going elsewhere’. And do you remember what you said?"
"Nope. Not at all." This is such bullshit.
"Well. You laughed, and said 'thank god. Please go elsewhere Marcus.' And so I did. Originally it was just to punish you for not wanting me, but then I realized you actually didn't care if I slept around. You even made excuses for my absences and infidelities. You were like helping me. It was so screwed up, because besides the sex issues, you and I got along so well, and we were so happy… and I just couldn't end the marriage."
"Are you seriously trying to feed me this bullshit, Marcus? Honestly?"
What the hell? Looking at Ma
ck I’m absolutely stunned that Marcus thinks he can pull this shit on me. Mack just leans against the window with his arms crossed, and kind of nods at me. I think he’s trying to tell me to hold on or something. I don’t know. Mack looks just as stunned as I feel.
"Suzanne. We continued like that for 2 years, and then I finally told you I had had enough. I threatened to talk to your mother about all this stuff..." He did?! "... Actually, I did talk to your mother, and she took you out for lunch and that night you were just, like, different or something."
"My mother...?" Think! Dammit! Lunch with my mother?
"Yes. I don't know what she said to you, but that night you were wearing this bright red, like bustier corset thing with stockings and panties and everything. You even had on red high heels. You looked at me, walked across the room, and just tore at me. My clothes, my hair, even my skin was scratched up." Oh fuck. I think maybe…
"Suzanne. Talk to me. Are you alright?" Breathe.
"Yes, Mack. I'm fine. Please continue Marcus."
"Um, you were so aggressive, and you asked me to do... lots of things to you, which I didn't! But you just kept demanding more and more, and then, you were fucking me, and it was awful... like really painful, and not very good, and not something I really liked. And you were a virgin, and I didn’t understand why you were doing this, or why you wanted sex like this…
“…And then you explained that that was what YOU wanted, and that was the only way you would have sex with me. You told me you had a safe word, do you remember that? You said it was ‘black’. Do you remember 'black'?” Um, vaguely. Shit. “Christ, I didn’t even know what a safe word was at the time. I had to look it up. I couldn’t understand how you knew about safe words and the sex stuff you were doing to me, and asking me to do to you. You were a virgin, and such a good girl, and then you were all twisted or something with sex. Do you remember your safe word, Suzanne?”
"Vaguely... I think. Please finish Marcus."
"Ah, that night you were torn-up pretty badly. I was just so sick over it. I hated it. Don't you remember Suzanne? I was in the bathroom, ah, crying, and then you were gone. I didn't know where you went. I was frantic to find you. I called everyone, even your parents. Your mother was particularly frantic to find you. I didn't know why at the time...