“…I want to find Z again. I want to have him hear me in my silence, while he calms me when I’m in pain. I want him. I picture him knowing how to touch me while knowing how to break into me, so that I finally exhale and stop holding my breath as I have it seems for an eternity. I want to be alive and not just living. I want him so badly some days, that the want IS the agony...
“…God, I sound so dramatic, I know. But it’s just so consuming, this feeling of loss. I feel like I need to scream, shaking with the pain, so that maybe that one scream and that one tear into my heart of pain and longing for Z will be enough to rip the wounds wide open, allowing me to except my fate of loveless, passionless mediocrity, so that eventually I can either heal or I can repress this need for Z, forever...”
Once again, sitting back in my chair, I raise my knees against my chest, and wrap my arms around myself tightly. Looking at my Mack, he just nods his head as if to say ‘go for it. Finish this.’
“Mack, I’ve always loved the poem ‘Porphyria’s Lover’ by Robert Browning. I’ve loved it. I remember when I was younger understanding why the lover killed Porphyria. I understood how amazing it would be to actually have someone love you, that intensely, in that one specific moment. I remember thinking, I too, would want to kill someone in that moment, so that I kept their love forever, just for me. I know now, obviously, that that view on love is obsessive, psychotic and unhealthy. I know that Mack, so don’t worry. But I think when I was young, I just wanted to be loved so badly, that the lover’s actions in the poem made sense to me…
“…Then when I met Z, I understood the poem differently. I understood the ugliness of the poem. I saw Z struggling, as I was at the time, and I realized I would want to die if I was ever loved as thoroughly as the lover believed he was at the time by Porphyria. And yes, I know that is a sick, crazy way to view love, but it’s the truth nonetheless. I’m not saying I want to die anymore, and I’m not saying it’s okay to want to die, just because you are loved. I’m just saying that when I saw Z looking at me like he did love me completely and totally when I thought I was going to die, I actually wanted to die then, in that exact moment, so that Z’s love would be the very last memory I carried with me into death. I understood needing love so badly, that I could actually kill myself to hold onto that memory of love, forever.” Long exhale.
I find my arms still wrapped so tightly around my knees, and staring at the safety I have in Mack, I take a few deep breaths and continue.
“I'm begging you to help me, Mack. I know this is horrible, and selfish, and disgusting... but I'm begging you to help me. I'm begging you to tell me what to do, so that I can breathe again.”
Now I’m openly crying. There is no way to stop it. Everything just hurts, everywhere.
“I'm so sorry, Mack. I'm so sorry to put this on you, but I'm begging you to help me get better. I don't want to feel like shit anymore, and I don't want to cry about this anymore, alone in my bed, way too often to even admit to myself. I wouldn't ask this from you if there was another person that I could ask, but there isn’t anyone else, so I’m asking you. You’re the only one I trust with my life. You’re the only person I trust to tell me what to do. Help me to get over myself, or...tell me to shut-up. Tell me to grow up. Tell me to fuck off once and for all. Just tell me something! Do I beg Z to love me, or do I stop all this shit, and move on forever? I can’t think anymore. I have no capacity to reason anything anymore when Z is involved. Please Mack. Please. TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
Ooops. That last sentence sounded a little manic, and yet the rest was awesome… figures I’d ruin the moment. Dammit. "Sorry for yelling..."
There seems to be a complete pause to everything in the room. Even the air itself doesn’t seem to exist. There is nothing but total silence from Mack as he just stares at me for a minute. Shit
Turning his head away from me, Mack expels a large breath, shakes his head slightly, and after placing his mug on Kayla's coffee table, he finally turns back to look at me. Oh my god! Mack has tears in his eyes. SHIT!
"MACK! I'm so SORRY!"
"Suzanne… enough. Sit there. Shut up. And listen to me." What? "Just breathe and Listen. To. Me."
"Okay...." Gulp. Shit. Breathe Suzanne. Mack won't hurt you.
"I'm a man, as you know, so I'm not prone to cry, however, what you just said to me and asked of me, is the single most beautiful, desperate, eloquent thing I have ever heard. If you had not already broken my heart months ago for the life you were forced to endure as a child, you would have broken it just now with that confession. You are honesty, the most feeling, non-jaded victim of circumstances BEYOND HER CONTROL that I have ever met in my life. You are absolutely beautiful; and you make me want to live better, and love harder, just by knowing you. You are an absolute dream, Suzanne. And if we were two different people, I would love you like you desire for the rest of my life. But we are not two different people, so I can't love you the way you desire, or the way you DESERVE. You are absolutely astounding to me... “ Mack says with a small smile while gently wiping his eyes with his thumbs.
“Suzanne, listen to me closely… Z loves you like you desire and like you deserve. I have had to counsel him for months because he has been absolutely lost since you walked into his life. He has been struggling and suffering every single day since you asked him to leave your hospital room months ago. He has been desperate to love you since the moment he met you, and since the moment you asked him to leave you. Z has been asking about you and for you every single day since you pushed him away. Suzanne, Z is desperately in love with you, and he wants to be everything for you. The only thing holding him back from loving you was you."
"But, Z..."
"I'm not finished. So please be still, breathe, and just listen to me.”
"Okay. Sorry..."
Nodding, Mack continues. "Z was the one who set everything in motion. It was Z who searched out and found the 'black school book', as you mentioned to us when you were having your breakdown. I don’t even know how he did it exactly, there was something about a ‘gratitude luncheon’ for his discretion, hosted by your parents, in your parent’s home. Again, I don’t know the specifics, but he found it, and turned it in. It was Z who went to the D.A. in Chicago, and to the police and D.A. in New York. It was Z who contacted your grandfather and told him our suspicions about your parents and your childhood. It was Z who found the photos on his father’s computer of you as a child and gave them to the police and the D.A…
“…God, Suzanne, it was Z who paid for the security and bodyguards, until your grandfather took over your security. It was Z who financially, verbally, and in a rather colorful way, threatened all the people either directly involved with, or those who only knew of the abuse you suffered as a child, forcing them to either come forward to the Police, or to renounce those who were involved, publically. He even went after those who simply knew about the abuse but didn’t participate in it, blaming them for not coming forward at the time. Some charges have even been laid against those individuals as well, based on Z’s insistence with both D.A.’s in Chicago and New York.”
Shaking his head, Mack continues. “Z paid all my attorneys fees in the beginning when I was being sued by Dr. Simmons and by your parents, and he paid for my attorneys during the Conflict of Interest trial brought on by the New York Psychiatric Committee, and also for the trial regarding your guardianship brought on by your grandfather as well… Essentially, whatever I needed to help you, Z provided. And whatever was needed, financial or otherwise to help me, Z provided. He set up a trust in your name for me to withdraw from for any expenses that might hinder my ability to be there for you at all times- whenever you needed me, day or night. Absolutely everything I could do for you was provided for, at Z’s insistence…
“…Once your inheritance was made yours, and your Estate began paying me and Z no longer had to support me financially; he refused to end the trust-fund. Instead, he kept adding to it, for any and all victims of any abuse brought o
n by his father, his father’s friends, the Chicago Country Club your parents were members of, and finally for any victims of Dr. Simmons.”
Exhaling, Mack’s eyes are shining with tears I think. This is all a little overwhelming and I find my own tears gently spilling from my eyes. But I’m desperate to keep it together so Mack will continue.
“From the moment you were hospitalized, first for the suicide attempt, then the subsequent brain aneurism, to the complete nervous breakdown, it has been Z at every turn...
“…Z loves you Suzanne, so much so, that he and I have talked about his love for you often and extensively. At first I didn't understand it. Z’s love was too quick and too baseless, I thought. I tried to reason with him that what he had mistaken for love was actually more of an emotional reaction to the intense guilt he felt over your attempted suicide, and over his father’s involvement in hurting you. I thought what he felt was just a simple attraction that had turned into a kind of obsession because of all the drama surrounding your time together. I really didn’t understand it, and I tried to explain away Z’s ‘love’ as a product of intense circumstance. However, watching and listening to Z, I began to realize, he did in fact love you, totally and completely. Just the fact that he stayed away, because YOU asked him to, though it was killing him- making him so sad and desperate... proved to me how much he loved you. I saw what he was willing to endure just to give you peace with your decision to push him away. He wanted to come to you so many times, just to see you again but he always stopped himself. He always took a big breath, closed his eyes, and reasoned himself out of doing something he wanted to do, because you didn't want him to do it. His strength and resolve was truly amazing to watch…
“…My best friend was struggling, and all I could do was listen and let him vent his sadness when he needed to. It was agony for me to support you one hundred percent in your decision to keep Z away, when all I wanted to do was beg you to stop pushing him away. I wanted so desperately for you to open yourself up to my friend but I couldn’t and wouldn’t ever ask that of you, and Z wouldn’t have wanted me to anyway. Originally, he wouldn't even talk to me at all about you and him, or his own feelings for you, because he wanted all my focus to be on you. But eventually I reassured him that I could be a friend to him without betraying my doctor/patient relationship, and yes, my growing friendship with you…
“…And that was when he finally talked to me. He explained the sex you shared and how he is so scared that he caused your suicide attempt. He told me about the initial intensity of your meeting. He told me about his sexual dominance, and about the things he did with you. Z obviously had no idea at the time about your past, but he feels such guilt over the way he handled, or rather, treated you, that he has made himself sick over it.”
Sitting up in my chair, I need to interject, but again, Mack silences me with a gentle head shake no. Sitting back again, I take as many deep breaths as I can.
“I did explain to Z that your breakdown was imminent. I explained that you were already on your way to that breakdown when you two first spoke, but Z is so stuck on the thought that he caused your decline, that I honestly don’t know how to help him anymore. Z has been scared to death that he pushed you too far, or rather pushed you over the edge, if you will. Z is ill over the thought that his sexual dominance hurt you. Though he didn't know about your past at the time, he feels he should have known something was wrong. I've tried repeatedly to explain the circumstances realistically, but he is just so consumed with guilt that he can't see a reality, other than the one in which he is to blame for your complete breakdown…
“…You see, Z is very sexually experienced, if you will. And before you, every one of his sexual partners knew this about him. Actually, that's what they liked about him. You didn't know his sexual nature however, and because he didn't explain himself fully to you before you were intimate the first time at the motel in Chicago, he feels like he harmed you. He had never had to explain his sexual nature before, and so he didn't with you-not because he didn’t want to and not because he was hiding it from you, but rather because it just never occurred to him to do so. Now, however, by not telling you properly beforehand about his sexual nature, and not telling you what he had planned for your first encounter, he feels like he essentially lied to you by omission. He thinks of it as an error which caused you irreparable harm...
“…Slowly, Z explained to me that he actually thought you were just like a typical sexually repressed woman. He believed that you simply hadn't experienced pleasure through orgasm, therefore, he was going to push you into letting go of your reserve so that you could in fact enjoy pleasure through orgasm. Z told me he tied your hands, took your control from you, and essentially forced you to experience pleasure. And he admitted that to me while shaking with rage at himself, and cursing himself for a horror he believes he did to you because of the past you were forced to endure...
“…As I told Z multiple times, he did not, nor could he have known the actual cause for your sexual repression at the time, but my arguments have been fruitless. Z believes strongly that he SHOULD have known that there was more going on with you, and therefore regardless of how I have counseled him, he feels he holds blame, if not entirely, at least partially for your ultimate break-down...
“…Z and I have had many debates, arguments and all out yelling matches over our differing opinions on the matter, but in the end, I think he is simply consumed with too much guilt that he is unable to rationalize your breakdown apart from any action he may have taken with you…
“…Suzanne, Z helps anyone and everyone- he always has. But with you he feels as though he harmed you instead. Add the fact that you attempted suicide on his watch as he calls it, in his own apartment, and he is devastated by what happened. Z has taken the events with you so personally that I can't seem to reach him anymore. He is truly devastated by his perceived part in your breakdown. Z honestly believes that by forcing you- by restraining you, in an attempt to make you experience your first orgasm with a partner… with him specifically, that he harmed you, and that he harmed his chances with you, forever.”
Leaning in closer to me, Mack looks absolutely stricken with something. There is something, but I don’t know this look on Mack’s face. I can usually tell the difference between Dr. MacDonald from my friend Mack, but this look is so strange, and kind of sad looking.
“Z finally explained the intense emotional connection he felt before, during, and especially after you and he were intimate. He spoke in details, only to adequately express to me just how intense you were with each other. For Z, you were his first real, loving experience. He had never made love with anyone in such a way as he did with you. Before you, though Z had loved women, and had sex with many, many women, he was always content with where they were and where they each ended up. But with you, Z wasn't content, so much as 'complete', was the word he used to describe his feelings after you were together. What Z actually said was ‘Sex before Suzanne was content, sex with Suzanne was complete.’ And that’s quite a stunning revelation for a 34 year old man, I might add," Mack smirks.
Stunned? Such an inadequate word for where my head is at right now. Silent and staring at Mack, I can't even speak. I am just STUNNED! This is the most amazing thing I have ever heard in my life. The most amazing thing I could have ever imagined happening to me. Actually, I feel a little sick, or nervous, or shaken, or something.
"Suzanne. To answer your question; GO GET Z. He’s been waiting for you to take him. He has been dying for you to realize you feel for him even a tenth of what he feels for you. Z is good Suzanne, I promise. I can't promise it will always be easy, but I absolutely can promise you that with Z, you will never have to feel insecure about being loved ever again. Z will love you for eternity, if you'll let him. Z can and will be anything you could have ever dreamed of wanting, but didn't know to ask for…
“…Suzanne, Z is there waiting for you. He wants to give you the love, adoration, and even the passion you d
esire, and DESERVE. He wants YOU, Suzanne, with all the baggage, nightmares, scars, and agonies you can throw at him. He wants to be your partner in all the pain, and your partner in all the happiness."
"Mack, I..." SHIT! Pitching forward, I throw up. God Dammit. This is not right!
"Suzanne?! I thought you wanted..."
"I DO! This is happy vomit, I swear! I'm not messed up or unhappy! This is like nervous vomit or something, honestly Mack. Jesus Christ. I know this is so messed up. See! I only threw-up once. It was just like nerves or something. That's all."
"Happy vomit? Did you just say that?" Mack bursts out laughing, as I push down a last gag and join him.
"I AM crazy Mack, remember? 'Happy vomit' makes perfect sense to me."
Still laughing, Mack stands and walks to Kayla’s kitchen, presumably for cleaning supplies. Thank god she has hardwood floors.
"I'll do it Mack. Please stop. This is horribly embarrassing."
As Mack hands me the Lysol, floor cleaner and paper towels, he leans down close to me, and then hugs me tightly- just a massive, warm hug. A hug of reassurance and a hug of comfort. Mack doesn’t even care that I just threw-up.