"Emlynn? What do you think? We could go Thursday." Mum smiles at me and flicks the indicator down.
"I really don't think I'm good enough. I won't get in."
"Emily Lynette at some point you're going to have to stop being such a pessimist! I know you can do it. You play beautifully. Yes, even the violin. Never mind what Amy says."
"Won't it be expensive? Especially now that Dad's…" I can't finish.
I don't blame Dad for finding comfort in religion exactly. I really don't. But I also don't really understand. It's weird trying to explain to my friends that Dad is a vicar now. It's weird that we have to go to church on Sundays. And I know that things aren't quite right between Mum and Dad.
Mum's face tenses. She raises a hand to rub her temple as if her head hurts. She's been doing that a lot lately.
"Emlynn, that's what scholarships are for. I know you're too young to apply just yet but why don't you do this audition? There are all kinds of contests you can enter that will look good on your application. Think about it." Mum raises a hand to shade her eyes. "Ah, here's Amy now. Finally."
The great thing about Mum is that she never pushes. She says what she needs to and leaves you to mull it over.
I'm not really here.
It's a golden afternoon. We drive to the corner shop and get ice cream. I always have raspberry ripple. Amy has a ‘99 with two flakes. She still manages to get chocolate all over herself, just like she did when she was a kid.
This is all going to go wrong. In a few weeks Mum will drive you off the road…
I tease Amy about a boy in her class and she flicks a piece of cornet at me. We're happy. We don't even know how happy we are but the now is perfect. Normal. Warm. No shadow of the accident…
This isn't real. I'm dreaming.
…that's yet to happen. That will end in noise and blood. That's in a future I can't even imagine on this golden afternoon….
It's a dream….
But I want it to be real. I want to be back in that happier time.
I struggled to stay asleep but it was useless. The dream shredded around me. I opened my eyes and gazed at the dark beams of the ceiling. For a moment I was choked with sorrow. My cheeks were wet and I couldn't remember why I was so sad.
Then it crashed into me, an oncoming train of grief. It had been like this every day for months after the accident. Mum was dead. I was broken. I wouldn't be going to the royal college of music. Or any college. I wanted to crawl back into the dream, the first good dream I had had in a long time, and just freeze us all there like insects in amber. Unchanging. Unbroken.
All I had was ash-grey now. Cold. Alone. The company of the Dead. A mystery to solve. Maybe dying in the car crash would have been a preferable option. I hated myself as soon as I thought that. I would never leave Amy. Even if she became embarrassed by me too.
I had to do something. Wallowing made it too easy to give up. Amy's words came back to me with a sting. It's like you've given up on yourself, Em. I winced. I had to do better. And the idea of hanging around all day alone, waiting for answers and dreading nightfall, made me lurch out of bed. Time to tackle this head on. I was scared of the moor so I would walk on the moor. Either I would find something or I'd prove to myself that there was nothing to worry about. The alarm clocks hands pointed out that it was 7.30am. Damn. Had I missed Amy going off to her new school on the first day?
Amy was giving her breakfast a queasily murderous glare, as though it was the toasts fault she couldn't eat it. Taking in the school uniform, I suspected that was the real cause of her moodiness. Few people ever look good in school uniform. Amy looked like an eleven year old school girl. Which might not have mattered if she actually was eleven rather than thirteen. The pleated navy skirt, thick-soled shoes and navy blue blazer of Stonewall High weren't designed to flatter anyone.
"A-Amy?" I felt awkward, wondering if she was still mad about yesterday evening. Either Amy had other things on her mind or she'd put it behind her. Her expression transformed from grumpiness into something more open. She was pleased to see me. Apparently I was forgiven.
"Emlynn! I thought I might miss you. My bus goes in twenty minutes." She gave me a sickly smile, clearly more nervous than she wanted to let on.
"Suh Silly, you should have wuh woken me."
"You haven't been sleeping well. Was that you last night? I thought I heard footsteps outside my room." Amy scowled at her untouched toast again.
"Yuh yes. I g-got a gluh glass of water," I lied. It was a sign of how distracted Amy was that she didn't call me on it immediately.
"I’d better go." She glanced at the clock. "I'm glad I saw you though."
"Wuh want me to w-walk you?"
"Really? But you haven't eaten?"
"It's fuh fine. I'll eat wuh when I'm b-back." I grinned. "As luh long as I w-won't cr cramp your s-style."
"Don't be daft. Come on."
The school bus left from the bus stop at the end of the village. We arrived in time, although Amy was the only one getting on there. I started to fade back so that any potential new friends wouldn't see Amy with her older sister. Amy turned and gave me a fierce hug, oblivious of onlookers.
"See you later then." She grimaced and got on the bus.
I smiled as she waved from the window. Then I was left standing at the bus stop alone. Breakfast was sounded appealing. I could still taste the emergency honey. No need to think about that yet. Just go back and eat and…what was that? The faint roar of a motorbike stopped me in my tracks. There had to be other bike enthusiasts around here. The road across the moors must be stunning - on a more summery day anyway. There was no reason for me to think it was Haze. But if it was and he was meeting someone…That was as far as I thought things through. I took off, over the stile in the hedge and across the lane after the sound of the bike.
It was madness. I'd never be able to catch up to someone on a motorbike. And if it was Haze, what exactly did I think I could do? Vomit on him? I was driven on and on, faster, faster until my breath grated in my throat. The pull was more than the sound of the bike. I was a hooked fish being reeled in. I didn't notice when I left the foot path. Only that I was running flat out on the moor. The ground was uneven. Clumps of heather not yet in bloom and tangles of gorse stuck out sly branches, catching at my ankles with elderly fingers. I nearly fell twice but somehow my own momentum kept me upright. I had lost all sense of direction. All I could do was follow the noise of the bike. Follow it like a siren's song.
It was getting louder or I was getting closer.
I sobbed for breath, my hair tangled thick and dark around my face. The bike's engine cut out just as my foot caught in a hole. I crashed down into the gorse, scratching my face and hands, breaking my fall on my forearms. Whatever urgency had drawn me here had gone. My stomach twisted. I really wished I hadn't come. Panting and overheated, I lay with one cheek pressed against the leaves and dirt, my hair caught on gorse branches. Small, early yellow petals rained down around me. I should leave. Now.
I started to get up but a voice sent me diving instinctively back into the gorse. It was him. My breathing was far too loud. If he found me… I shuddered. I would just lie here. He had to leave eventually, right? I mean he couldn't live out here.
Or I could try and find out more…
I wriggled through the clump of gorse, thorns snagging at my skin, until I was able to peer down the slope. Twelve feet away, in a dip in the moor, I saw a black motorcycle heeled over on its kickstand.
"…knew you wouldn't disappoint me." Haze had his back to me but I the smile in his voice was unmistakeable.
My skin crawled. How had I not noticed his voice before? It was silky-cruel, its timbre low and dark. Enticing. Repulsive. In a few words he suggested…possibilities. Things the hearer would never have considered until he spoke. That voice could incite you to murder and to do it gleefully.
Shivering, I knew I didn’t stand a chance against him.
"What makes you think I was waiting here for you?" the second voice was husky and feminine. "I might just be taking a walk."
"But you're not." Haze's tone was derisive. "You came because I called you. Because I… need you." He leant over the smaller figure and a flash of shining blonde hair confirmed my fears.
Grace.
"How did you call me? I don't understand." Grace had lost the throaty tone and sounded annoyed. And frightened.
"We have a… connection, Grace. You'll see that - in time." He lifted a strand of hair away from her face and she gazed up at him. I wanted to scream a warning. He could snap her neck in one swift twist. I felt it in every line of those powerful hands.
Instinct kept me silent and hidden. Icy sweat soaked me, stinging in my scratches.
Grace's eyes softened and lost focus. Like part of her was being yielded up. My stomach cramped with nausea. I shoved my fist in my mouth. Not now. Don't be sick.
I was missing something. There was something here I wasn't getting. Wait…what was that around Grace? A shadow… a flickering. Like candle flame but fainter. I blinked hard, trying to focus on two separate images overlaying each other and moving at the same time.
They weren't alone. There was a third presence here.
Haze's thumb glided along Grace's cheekbone and her head fell back, eyes fluttering shut. The flickering around her grew brighter. Beating at the edges, forcing a way in.
"So… cold…" Grace murmured.
Haze gave a triumphant twist of his lips, closer to anger than mirth. He leaned in close. His upper lip brushed against her lower one. My sister let out a low moan of pain and desire. I'd never heard her make that sound before. It raised gooseflesh on my arms, even as heat flooded my face.
"…cold…"
The air was storm heavy. Electricity crackled around their entwined figures.
"Soon." Haze breathed against Grace's mouth. "You'll be ready then." His teeth sliced a white smile before meeting in her lower lip.
It wasn't a kiss. It was a punishment for being Grace instead of who he desired.
It was a contract signed in blood. He would devour Grace because she was an obstacle, an appetizer before the course he wanted.
Feeding. That's what it looked like. This wasn't passion. Grace wasn't the first. He had done this before. How many other girls? What happened to them? I was dangerously close to snapping.
A distant rumble broke my concentration. Haze released my sister and stepped back. For a second he considered her closely. Then he was astride his bike. Grace swayed where she stood. Her skin was blue-white. Her eyes were huge and dark in her chalky face. She watched Haze kick his bike in to life and ride away. She even raised a hand to wave. He was gone. My body unclenched. A car rounded a bend in the road and passed Grace.
I was cold and shaking with adrenaline as I shoved my way out of the gorse, and stumbled down the slope.
"Guh Grace?" I grabbed her shoulders. Blue sparks rose on contact with my hands. I felt a force, huge and focused, gather behind me.
WHUMP!
There was no sound but I gasped and let go of her. It felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. Doubling over I wheezed out. "G-Grace!" The air smelled of ozone and burnt hair.
Grace's pupils were so dilated that her eyes looked black. Blood tricked from her lower lip where Haze had bitten her. Bright beads like poisonous berries. She swayed but I was afraid to touch her again in case I got zapped.
"G-Grace! Puh please!" Slowly recognition came back into her expression. She shook her head. Her pupils retracted to normal.
"Gremlin? What are you doing here?" She eyed me with suspicion.
"Luh looking for y-you." I forced myself to stand up straight.
"Like that?" She took in my ratty old jeans and my sweat-damp hair full of leaves and dirt. "Why are you all scratched? There is a foot path, you know."
She tossed her own immaculate hair. I was distracted from the stab of annoyance at Grace's evaluation of my appearance, as I watched her hair settle back around her shoulders. Was it darker? I couldn't be sure. Too much had happened. My mind was leaping from thought to thought like stepping stones in a treacherous river. I wouldn't let her put me off.
"Guh Grace what was that with Huh Haze?" I struggled to keep my voice level.
"You were spying on me? Oh that's rich! Were you hoping for something newsworthy to go to Dad with?" She sneered at me. I was almost relieved to hear her being snarky. "Well you'll just have to report back that I stopped on my walk to give him directions won't you? Poor Gremlin. No chance to be interesting today."
My mouth fell open. No way. She couldn't believe that. Didn't she remember anything?
And directions to where exactly? You went up the road or down it. There wasn't an intersection for miles. It was the only road. What really disturbed me was that Grace did believe what she was saying. She thought she’d only spoken to Haze in passing. What would she have remembered about this entire incident if I hadn't arrived when I did? Words tangled around my tongue. I made a last valiant effort to make her remember something…anything.
"H-How did you kuh cut your luh lip?"
"What?" Grace's scowl snapped off and for a second she looked rattled.
"Y-your luh lip is bluh bleeding. W-what happened?" Please, Grace. Please try. Think. Fight.
"Huh." Grace wiped her mouth absently then stared at the dark red smear on her hand. "You must have knocked my mouth when you crashed into me. You're such a stumble-fuck, Gremlin!"
"Grace, it wuh was Huh Ha…"
"Oh shut up! Look what you did. This is going to swell like an inner tube. Thanks a lot, Gremlin!"
"Wuh well if there's nuh-nuh-thing going on than it d-doesn't m-matter what you look like does it?" I flashed furiously, elbowing my way between doubling words. "Or are you kuh kuh kuh…snogging lots of strange men?"
"What would you know about anything! Who would ever look at you anyway? Skinny, flat-chested, sullen little freak! Even if they did, you wouldn't get a second glance after they heard you open your tedious, stammering mouth." The words were vicious, wrapping around me like barbed wire. Below the belt hits that only siblings are so expert in delivering. I didn't care that she was cheese-pale and shivering. It didn't occur to me that she was being illogical or that her hatred was loose and unfocused somehow. Every word stabbed.
My hand flashed out and slapped her hard across the face.