thinking of how
Jackson and I
used to
sit and swing
together.
The stars are duller
than an old pocketknife.
They used to sparkle
like five-carat diamonds.
I wonder,
is heaven
up in the stars?
Beyond the stars?
Can Jackson see them
like I see them?
Is he wishing
like I’m wishing?
“Star light, star bright,” he said the first time
we sat here together.
“Make my wish come true tonight,” I said.
“That’s not how it goes.”
“Why drag it out?” I asked.
He laughed. “So, what’s your wish?”
“That time would stop,
so we could stay like this forever.”
“Tough wish,” he said.
“What about you?” I asked.
“Let’s see.
I’m hungry.
How about a cheeseburger?”
“How romantic,” I told him.
“Change your wish to a chocolate shake and we’re set.”
We went to In-N-Out Burger after that.
He got his wish.
I didn’t get mine.
I Need Mr. Sandman
Sleep doesn’t come.
Night after night
I thrash around
like a fish
caught in a net
trying to escape.
And I cry
for what I’ve done
and who I’ve lost.
Four days after the funeral,
Mom shows me the phone messages
she’s taken for me.
I didn’t want to talk
to anyone.
Jackson’s brother, Daniel, called.
Jessa and Zoe called.
Nick called,
again.
I ball them up
and throw them away.
“You’re tired,” Mom says.
She calls the doctor.
He prescribes Ambien.
“That’s good,” Mom says.
“Sleep will help.”
Will anything really help?
When I wake up,
I remember.
It hurts
to remember.
Mom brings me a sandwich
and some juice.
I get up to pee
and sneak another pill.
“I need to sleep a little more,” I tell Mom.
She doesn’t argue.
Because sleep helps.
Company’s Coming
The phone rings.
It rings and rings.
I finally drag
my butt out of bed
and answer it.
“Ava?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you want to do something?” Cali asks.
“Maybe go to the pool?”
“Not really.”
“Wanna do something else?”
“Not really.”
“Are you okay?”
“Not really.”
“Can I come over?”
“I guess.”
“You need anything?”
But before I can answer, she says, “Never mind.
Stupid question.”
Stupid.
But sweet.
Mirror, Mirror
I’m putting on makeup.
I’ll be like a clown
and no one will see
the real face
behind the mask.
I don’t want Cali to see
the sad me,
the depressed me,
the shamed me.
As I stand in the bathroom,
carefully lining my eyelids
bronze,
I feel a splash
of cool air.
I shiver.
I feel something.
Something behind me.
Something familiar.
Hauntingly familiar.
I glance behind me,
but I don’t see
anything.
Or anyone.
And then,
when I look in the mirror
again,
I see,
for a split second,
not just me,
but someone else.
Jackson.
Food for Thought
Cali’s knocking,
so I turn and run.
As I run down the stairs,
I’m thinking there must be such a thing
as too much sleep.
That wasn’t really him.
It couldn’t have been him.
Could it?
When I open the door,
she gives me her
best girlfriend hug
and I realize
how much I have missed
my Cali.
We go to the kitchen,
plop down at the table.
“Thanks for coming,” I say.
She looks at her watch.
“You hungry?”
“I could eat.”
I get up
and open the pantry door.
I don’t even know
if it’s time for breakfast
or lunch
or dinner.
“What time is it?” I ask.
“11:00.”
I stand there, staring at the boxes
of crackers
and cereal,
trying to focus
on food
and not
on what I just saw
in the mirror.
The cool air
surrounds me again.
I get goose bumps.
I feel him, standing there,
next to me,
like he’s hungry too,
looking for something to eat.
“Did you feel that?” I ask.
“What?” she says.
“Nothing.”
She’ll think I’m crazy.
Maybe she’d be right.
And then,
there’s the slightest hint of
something brushing
my cheek.
Not a touch,
less than a touch.
A whisper.
No, a feeling.
Just a feeling.
Or maybe,
just my imagination.
I shiver again.
Am I going crazy?
“I think you need to get out,” Cali says.
“Let’s go to the mall.
For some yummy food court food,
and a little shopping, if you want.”
I shrug. “I guess.”
This is good.
I’m a normal girl
going to the mall.
Not crazy.
Not a girl
who’s beginning to think
she’s being haunted
by her dead
boyfriend.
Okay or Not Okay?
Cali has a green VW bug.
Cute.
Fun.
Perfect.
Like Cali.
I was going to work
so I could buy a car
when I turn sixteen
on August 15th.
Oh well.
All the things that
used to be so important
aren’t important
anymore.
“We haven’t been to the mall together in a long time,” Cali says.
“Yeah.
The last time I was there, Jackson bought me-”
I stop.
I look out the window.
There’s an old man
with an old woman,
sitting on a bench,
waiting for the bus.
He’s looking at a newspaper.
/>
She’s looking at him.
She says something.
He looks at her.
He smiles.
She smiles.
The scene is so simple,
so lovely,
so perfect.
“It’s okay to talk about him,” Cali says.
“I know.”
“What did he buy you?”
I don’t want to say.
But she asked.
“That black-and-pink bikini.
To wear to the School’s Out party.”
She nods.
She remembers.
If she had known
it would bring up
that tragic day,
she wouldn’t have asked.
She shakes her head.
Turns the radio up.
I guess sometimes
it’s not okay
to talk about
him.
Cali
As she fiddles with the radio,
Cali’s blue-and-purple bracelet
twists and slides
on her arm.
The summer
between fifth and sixth grades,
we rode our bikes
to the pool
almost every day.
Then we came home
and made necklaces and bracelets
out of beads.
We loved
sitting
and talking
and making
beautiful jewelry
together.
We sold our creations
to kids in the neighborhood.
My dad called us little entrepreneurs.
I called us best friends.
“You still wear the bracelet I made for you,” I say,
thinking how it’s so amazing
she’s kept it
all this time.
“I love it.
Where’s the one I made for you?”
“I lost it.”
“I’ll make you another one,” she says.
“We can buy some beads at the mall.”
That’s Cali.
The one who will do
anything for me.
Thank God for Cali.
Wondering
I shop,
but I don’t buy.
I eat,
but I don’t taste.
Cali talks,
but I don’t listen.
My mind’s drifting,
thinking about him.
Wondering if I’ll feel that cool air,
feel that brush against my cheek,
feel Jackson again,
when I go home.
It couldn’t have been him.
I’m being ridiculous.
Still,
it’s not long before
I want to go home
and find out
for sure.
The Way My Life Changed
I lean my head back
on the car seat
as we drive home.
With my eyes closed,
I search for a memory
that will make me
smile.
And then,
I remember the night
my life changed
forever.
The silver bleachers
filled with kids
in black and red,
cheering the football team
to victory.
It was a warm September night.
The best kind of Friday night.
My favorite kind of high school night.
He was two rows up.
Behind me.
Watching me.
Or so he told me later.
Cali, Jessa, and Zoe
went to get us food.
I stayed
to save our seats.
And that’s when
he made his move.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“I’m Jackson.”
“I know.
Everyone knows who you are.”
His cheeks turned
the color of watermelon.
His eyes greener
than the rind.
He was so cute,
from the top of his sexy bald head
to the tips of his PacSun shoes.
The way he looked at me
made me quiver
and quake.
It was a good thing
I was sitting down.
My legs wouldn’t have
held me up.
Who Are You?
“Do you know who I am?” I asked.
“No. But I’d like to.”
“Ava Bender.”
“Ava,”
he said.
“I like that name.
Ava.”
I loved the way
he said my name.
He talked about the game,
and about his old school.
He talked about how moving sucked,
and about being the new kid,
which sucked even more.
I talked about living in the same house
my whole life
with a mom who works a lot
and a dad who travels a lot.
“Tell me something about Ava no one else knows,” he said.
“No one?”
I had to think hard
on that one.
“I really hate being alone,” I finally said.
“Then it’s a good thing I’m here.”
That made me smile.
“Now it’s your turn,” I told him.
“I want to go out with you.”
That made me smile
even more.
I couldn’t say anything
because my friends came back.
Jackson didn’t move.
They squeezed in
on the other side of me.
I introduced them.
They looked at me
like I’d just won
the lottery.
But it was way better
than that.
The Other Side
The green bug
backs away.
I wave
and smile
like everything’s fine,
while inside
I’m freaking out
because I don’t know
if he’s waiting for me
on the other side
of that door.
Awake
I move from one room
to the next.
Downstairs.
Upstairs.
I whisper his name.
“Jackson?
How do I find you?”
I go to the bathroom
and stare into the mirror.
I look more awake
than I’ve been
in weeks.
Like a kid
who wakes up really early
on Christmas day
and can’t wait
to see what’s under
the tree.
I stand in front of the mirror
for minutes.
Maybe hours.
“Ava, I’m home,” Mom calls from downstairs.
“Are you awake?”
Suddenly,
the air temperature drops,
and this time
there’s no confusion.
Jackson’s face
flashes
next to mine.
I’d say
awake
is an
understatement.
Home Is Where the Heart Is
Mom makes spaghetti.
She makes it
because I love it.
And because she’s happy
I’m awake.
“Feeling better?” she asks.
“Yeah.
Cali took me to the mall.”
“Good.
I was starting to worry.
”
“Mom, it’s Thursday, right?”
“Yes.”
“Dad comes home tomorrow?”
“Yes,” she says. “Should we go to the beach this weekend?”
No.
NO!
I don’t want to go anywhere.
If Jackson’s here,
I have to stay here.
“Can we just stay home?
Watch some movies?”
She smiles.
“That sounds nice.”
“Thanks for the spaghetti.
It was good.”
“You’re welcome, sweetheart.”
It’s nick Again
Nick calls Thursday night,
to express
his concern for me
one more time.
I tell him I’m okay,
and there’s nothing he can do
because I just buried my boyfriend
and of course I’m really not
that
okay.
“I just want you to know I’m here for you, Ava.
If you need me.”
It’s weird.
Does he want a second chance?
Does he want to be the rebound guy?
Or maybe
he is loving
every minute
of my grief
and unhappiness.
Maybe he’s thinking
I had it coming.
And maybe,
just maybe,
I did.
What Did It Mean?
Dare:
a challenge
to do something dangerous
or foolhardy.
I dare you.
Three
stupid
words.
I dared him to order octopus at a restaurant and to eat it all.
He dared me to write a love letter, sign it Secret Admirer, and
sneak it to a teacher.
I dared him to pretend he was blind in the crystal section of
the department store.
This game,
or whatever it was,
became our little
thing.
Jackson,
the rock climber,
the white-water rafter,
the extreme skier guy,
loved the feel of adrenaline
ROARING
through his veins.
For me,
it was scary,
and exhilarating,
all at the same time.
But I could have lived
without it.
All I needed
was Jackson.
I wish all he’d needed
was me.
A Strange Sensation
I can hear my heart
beat
beat
beating
in the darkness
as I try
to go to sleep.
The clock says 12:08.
Mom is asleep by now.
I get up
and go down the stairs
to make hot cocoa.
Will he be there,
waiting for me?
My heart is
beat
beat
beating
faster,
even though
there’s no sign of him.