Four years after the wedding, I had my son, Youcef, who looked like Alex, exactly the same, his wide eyes, with medium length soft black hair, and a milky white skin. I don’t know how this happened, delusions maybe, as every second of my life, is spent imagining Alex’s face.
Every time I look secretly into Abdullah's face, I wish that he was Alex. I said "secretly" because to this day I don’t look at him as wives and husbands do. Abdullah obliged me to do many things I didn’t want to do.
"He's taking everything he desires forcefully, mama!"; I really wanted to tell my mum this but I couldn’t.
Even though he destroyed me by his uncivilized behaviors, but he was not able to erase Alex from my mind, and couldn’t make me regret the moment I told my mom;
"I love him; mama! I love, Alex!"
"After giving birth to my son five months ago, I started feeling extremely tired, losing weight, having a strange itchy skin, unusual bleeding from some parts that normally don’t bleed, having strong fever that doesn’t go away for a long time, I am suffering from unexplained aches that have persisted now, for more than a month, doctor”
It seems these symptoms correspond to a dangerous illness,'‘; The doctor replied with a worried look.
He asked me why I took so long to get help, but I could not reply. He then asked for urgent blood tests, he warned me how urgent my situation was. No one knew about this appointment with this doctor. Two years have passed since having seen the positive results; it was blood cancer. I went alone to weekly blood dialysis and no one knew a thing.
"It seems to be spreading; it needs urgent treatment. Have you spoken to your family about this yet?", the doctor commented
"I don’t want to do it; I don’t want to be healed", I replied.
I don’t want to live like a machine; cleaning, cooking and washing then get forced to do things I felt disgusted to do. I don’t want to live more than that. May Allah forgive me!
My mother cries whenever she sees me;
"Let's consult a doctor; Aisha!", she begged me whenever I visited her.
I am always convincing her that I don’t need a doctor.
"Abdullah wants me like that, mama"; I told her whenever she complained that I was getting skinny.
Last Entry
I pushed myself against the wall like a lightweight butterfly that was aching all over from a sensation running through every single part of my body; the pain was radiating nonstop. The pain in my stomach was as if a billion knives were sinking in, blood dripped down the floor, and I felt exhausted as if I had been in labor for years. I wanted to scream out in anguish but I couldn’t because Youcef was sleeping in front of me. My face was ashen, my lips were pursed, I was grimacing, I couldn’t bear that pain, but I resisted it!
I have been feeling this pain for so long; I was dying but it could not be compared to the pain I felt when I had lost Alex!
No one knew that I had blood cancer until now, only getting worse; I had asked Abdullah to take me to my family home. It’s my end; and everything about me will be fading away soon…
I put the diary down devastated, broken, and could not stop crying.
…We're so sorry, Aisha!
I am so afraid for not being by your side when you needed me the most. I understand now… I will never forgive myself; ever!
Short biography:
Kenza Salmi, 22 years-old female, is a would-be teacher, currently a student at Ecole Normale Supérieure in Algeria. As a student, she is an active blogger with many online outlets. She is a fervent advocate for Algerian women rights and is exploring ways to give them voice.
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