“You wouldn’t have been there to be able to stop it.”
My hand clenched around the phone when it began ringing for the fourth time, and Aurora’s stare dropped to look at it.
“Looks like this Jessica person really needs you.” She stood and took a step away from me, and spoke over me when I tried to stop her. “You and I both know that we can’t be together the way we want. Not right now when all of this is going on. And right now . . . right now you’re here and it’s killing me to be close enough to touch you because I can’t be with you.” Her voice broke and her tears came faster when she quickly closed the small distance she’d put between us and placed her hand on my cheek. “Do you see me, Jentry?” she whispered as her dark blue eyes searched mine. Without waiting for my answer, she said, “It has never been a question of who I would choose, and it isn’t now. I would have blindly followed you across the world after that first night if you’d asked me to. Don’t make this time harder than it already is.”
I watched her walk quickly away from me in the direction of my parents’ house, and forced myself to stay rather than run after her.
Another low growl built in my chest and rumbled up my throat when my phone started ringing for the fifth time. I didn’t need to look at the screen to know who was calling. If she called once, she’d call a dozen times in a row until I finally answered.
“What do you want, Jess?”
She spoke in her low, husky voice, talking about random things and far too fast before I caught one key word: Declan.
My body stilled. “Where are you?”
Her wicked laugh filled the phone and ended on a sigh. “He does look pretty rough, doesn’t he? Not that it would stop me from getting on my knees again if he woke up.”
I bit back a curse as I started walking. Slowly at first, then faster as she continued to talk about Declan more and more.
“How did you get to the hospital, Jessica?”
“I’m sure there are these things called taxis that drop people off, but I can’t be sure if I was ever in one of those, or just a car, or if I ever paid the man driving it. I do have my ways of not paying, as I’m sure you know, Jent.”
I grimaced, then said in a low voice, “I’m coming to get you, don’t move.”
“Oh, sounds like someone might be getting angry. I think I’ll sit right down here and wait for the show. I wonder what this wire goes to,” she murmured to herself before hanging up.
14
One Month Ago
Aurora
Taylor stood on the other side of the rental house’s bar, leaning against it with her head propped up on one hand as the fingers of her other hand slowly drummed against the counter. I’d never seen her look so disappointed in all the years I’d known her, and I’d definitely never been on the receiving end of it. “No, by all means, continue,” she drawled sarcastically.
Jentry’s chest was rising and falling roughly as he stared her down, but he didn’t speak, either.
After a few silent moments, Taylor continued. “I thought you would have been, I don’t know, more observant or something. You know, since you’re supposed to be a sniper, or something like that. Nothing?” she asked when Jentry didn’t respond.
“I usually am,” he said through gritted teeth.
“Hmm.” Taylor’s tone and expression showed she didn’t believe him, or didn’t care. She turned her anger-filled eyes on me. “You . . . I don’t even know what to say to you right now. Do you realize that last night and just now, it could have been anyone other than me? You know, like your boyfriend or his parents?”
Guilt, fear, and confusion flooded me, but I still didn’t speak. I just sat there shaking my head slowly.
Taylor pointed between Jentry and me and whispered, “My best friend wouldn’t do this to her boyfriend. Let’s go, Rorie.”
I lifted my eyebrows, but didn’t move from my spot on the counter.
“You and I are going to go talk about this, and we’re not about to do it where someone else could easily walk in or hear us. Let’s. Go.”
Jentry’s hand gently grasped my leg, but he didn’t try to stop me from slowly sliding off the counter. Only when I passed him did he turn me around and cup the back of my neck in his hand. His dark eyes searched mine as indecision and agony played over his face.
Hundreds of words passed between us in that short time, but none that left our lips. It had been like that with Jentry from the beginning, and having that with him now, after all this time, after months and months of thinking I’d imagined our night, assured me that this was real.
When Taylor cleared her throat pointedly, Jentry reluctantly let me go and took a step back, but his dark stare never left me.
Once I was at Taylor’s side, she leveled a glare at Jentry. “You know, Declan talks about you constantly. What a shitty way to treat your brother.”
“Taylor,” I hissed, but she didn’t seem to care. She just turned and grabbed my arm, then dragged me across the living room and out the back door.
We walked in a rush through the sand, away from the house. It wasn’t until we got to the shoreline that she slowed to an easier pace, but still we didn’t stop, and she didn’t speak. The silence left me alone to my own thoughts, thoughts I didn’t want to deal with now but knew I had to face at some point.
My chest ached and tears blurred my vision as I thought of Declan sleeping, unaware, in the bed where he’d claimed my body just a couple of nights before. I would never want to hurt him, but I knew I had in the worst way possible. Not just this morning, but for months.
I had fallen for him, and I knew I loved him. And while I knew I could have a happy, safe life with him, I would never belong to him. Not completely anyway. Even if Jentry had simply remained a memory as Jay, I had a feeling I would have continued my vain attempt of trying to find a fraction of the chemistry and connection that he and I had shared in that one night.
It wasn’t fair to Declan; it never had been. But I was selfish enough, and had fallen for him so quickly, that I’d pretended it wasn’t happening. And now Jentry was here. Now he was real and completely exceeding the memory of him even when we were trying to make ourselves hate the other.
And I felt like the worst kind of person.
Declan deserved someone so much better than I could ever hope to be.
It wasn’t until we were several minutes from the house that Taylor finally spoke again. She didn’t yell, but her voice was full of disappointment and accusation. “You really had me believing you in the car the other night. You know, that there was nothing between you and Jentry . . .”
Tears had been streaming down my face as we’d walked, and a sob rose up in my throat at her words. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I thought if I said it enough—if I said it out loud to you and to myself, then I would believe it.”
She nodded, but didn’t speak for another minute as we walked along the shore. “The Rorie I know would never cheat on a boyfriend, especially one like Declan.”
“I know. I didn’t—I didn’t mean for it to happen, but I—” I broke off as another sob tore from me, and wiped furiously at my face. “I don’t know, I knew it was going to. I don’t know how to explain it. I knew, and I wanted it . . .” I admitted. “But I didn’t mean for it to happen like this. And neither did Jentry. He loves Declan. That’s what we were yelling about last night when you found us.”
“What, how long you should wait to cheat on him?” Taylor asked, sneering.
“No! Taylor!” I looked at her in shock. “No, we both love Declan, but we both—what this is between us, it’s the strongest thing I’ve ever felt in my life. I knew it that first night with him and I’ve known it every day since. I’ve tried to re-create that feeling and those emotions with Declan since day one, and I’ve never been able to. I love Declan, I swear to God I do, Taylor. But . . .” I didn’t know how to tell her without sounding cliché, or just sounding like I was trying to excuse what she’d walked in on.
; She stopped walking, and grabbed my arm to turn me so I was facing her. “But what?”
My head shook as I stared at my best friend, but I held her stare, willing her to understand. “It felt like Jentry touched my soul last year. It felt like he took part of it with him. The only reason I got on with my life with Declan was because I knew I would never see Jentry again, and because I do love Dec. Seeing Jentry this weekend . . . I don’t know how to explain it. But from what he said, it was the same for him. He’s angry at himself for wanting me because he loves Declan, but this . . .” I trailed off, and clenched at my stomach. “I don’t know, Taylor, I don’t know.”
“Or maybe he’s just saying that because he knows what to say to get a girl in bed. His words worked last year, didn’t they?”
I took a step away from her as if she’d slapped me. “What? No!”
“Yes, Rorie. You’ve been—” She broke off and looked around as she searched for the right words. “You’ve been glorifying this night you had with Jentry. Glorifying him. If you hadn’t, if you had just let that night slip into the past the way it should have once you decided to enter into a relationship with Declan, then you wouldn’t be acting like a whore when that is the last thing you are!”
I gaped at her, but knew I deserved those words. “I’m not—I haven’t been. I’m being honest, I have tried to forget about him. God, you have no idea how hard I’ve tried. But he’s always there in the background. That night is always there.”
“Well, good fucks can be hard to forget!” she yelled. “But that doesn’t mean that you imagine them instead of your boyfriend! That doesn’t mean that when they enter your life again, you lose who you are and forget about what’s right and wrong!”
“It isn’t like that!” My voice was hoarse as I screamed back at her. “You don’t understand!”
“You’re right. I don’t. I don’t understand who you are all of a sudden.”
I glanced up at her when the anger trailed from her words, leaving only her disappointment. For long moments, there was only the sound of waves crashing as we watched each other. Taylor, like she was looking at a stranger, and me, pleading for her to understand.
“Why did you start dating Declan in the first place, Rorie?”
My head jerked back. I hadn’t expected that question. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’ve never really cared about guys or relationships before Declan. You didn’t care about the label, and you never seemed that invested in a guy even if you liked him or hooked up with him. That’s why I was so on board with going back to find your mystery guy that night, because it was so unlike you to be that caught up in a guy. But then he wasn’t there and Declan was, and suddenly it was Declan, Declan, Declan—everything was about Declan.”
My head shook subtly when she didn’t continue. “I don’t know what you’re asking me.”
“Did you start dating Declan just because Jentry ended up not being there, because you were so wrapped up in a guy who wasn’t as wrapped up in you?”
My shaking grew more pronounced. “No.”
She continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “And if everything you’re saying is true, then are you forcing yourself to love him?”
“No, Taylor!”
“Well, how else can you explain it? That’s all that makes sense to me! How can you love Declan the way you claim to if you are still so obsessed with Jentry?”
I let the obsessed part slide as I tried to figure out a way for her to understand—but it was hard when I wasn’t even sure I understood.
It felt like there were two parts of me, and each belonged to one of the guys. The part of me that I had willingly given to Jentry had been filled with a soul-deep ache for the better part of a year while the other had grown to love Declan.
When I told Taylor as much, she said, “You can’t love two people at once, Rorie.”
My brow pinched. “Love? I never said anything about loving Jentry.”
“So then you would sabotage your relationship with a guy you do love for someone you don’t?”
“It’s not— You can’t compare them that way!” Something deep down told me that what Jentry and I had was about so much more than falling for someone over the course of dates and phone conversations.
Taylor nodded slowly. “I think you’re making a mistake. I think you saw Jentry and remembered your night, and you wanted it again. I think you’ll realize soon that he’s good for a night, not for forever like Declan is.”
My face fell and, for the first time this morning, my stomach twisted with something other than guilt. I hated that my best friend viewed Jentry that way, but then again, after what she’d seen this weekend and knew from ten months ago, I wasn’t sure what other conclusion she could have come to.
I took a deep breath and hoped she understood the depth of my confession. “I haven’t felt whole since I walked away from Jentry last year. I do love Declan, and I know he would be good to me—good for me. I know how our future would go. I’ve known how it would play out since we started dating, and it’s something that has always made me smile because I’ve loved the promise of it. It’s a safe future, a sure one. It’s the house with the white picket fence and the two and a half kids, Taylor. I could be so happy in that future, but I know now I would never be whole, which means he would never get all of me. No one has ever gotten more than a fraction of me, because like you said, I wasn’t ever that invested in them. Never really cared. Giving Jentry all of me was like deciding to wake up. Natural.”
From the way Taylor’s expression cleared as I spoke, I knew she believed me. But there was still a lingering disappointment in her eyes.
“Thinking of a future with Jentry hurts because it means I’ve hurt Declan. But thinking of a future with Declan—now that Jentry’s back, I don’t know how to even see one.”
After a while, her head dipped in acknowledgment. The movement contradicted her words. “This isn’t okay.”
“I know.”
“Declan has to know.”
“I know,” I whispered, my voice filled with guilt and sorrow. “But don’t hate Jentry, Taylor. He tried to stop us so many times. He has always tried to give me every chance to stop. I pushed him.”
“I doubt you had to push hard,” she mumbled, and turned back toward the house.
We walked to the house in silence, and when we got close, Jentry came out to meet us. He was dressed to go running. His arms were folded over his chest and his face was hard. “Can I talk to her?” he asked Taylor.
She matched his stance and stood her ground.
A muscle ticked in his jaw as his dark eyes came back to me. As seconds passed, dread filled me. Because whatever he was about to say was clearly hard for him to get out. “You need to go home with Declan.”
My brow pinched. “What?”
Jentry took in a ragged breath and looked away from me. “You need to go home with him and think about what you want.”
My heart sank. “Jentry.” His name was barely a whisper. “Isn’t it obvious?”
He continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “Whether you decide to tell him about this weekend and about last year will be your decision, and one I’ll stand behind. Just wait until I’m home so I can be there to actually stand behind you—next to you.”
A few seconds passed before I said, “I think I’m not understanding everything.”
“Go home and be with Declan, Aurora,” he said through clenched teeth, pain filled his eyes.
“Wait, you want . . . what?”
“Such an asshole,” Taylor said. “What a coward’s way out of this. Instead of dealing with it, just shove her back to him.”
His unforgiving glare snapped to Taylor. “No, if I were a coward, I would let Declan find out, then throw Aurora into the middle of the shit storm that follows while I go hide out on base.”
“But why are you doing this?” I demanded. “Why would you tell me how you feel? Why would you say the things you did last night just to
tell me to go back to Declan? What do you want me to do with him now? Pretend like everything is fine?”
He reached out as if to hold me, but stopped himself. Whether because of Taylor, our proximity to the house, or because he needed to keep a small distance between us to stay firm, I wasn’t sure. “I can’t let you make a decision that could potentially change your life, only for me not to be there to help you through it. If you made that decision today—right now—you and I both know what it would be. I have to go back to base, and you would be left to deal with Dec, Mom, and Dad.”
“And me.”
He ignored Taylor’s interjection, his eyes begging for me to understand what he’d said. “I can’t do that to you. And after everything over this weekend, now that I know where you are, now that you know I’ll be coming back for you, I want you to have time to really think about this. I don’t want you to make a decision right now. It’s too much all at once.”
My jaw trembled as pain spread through my body. What he was saying made sense, and in the back of my mind, I knew I should thank him for being thoughtful and selfless enough to recommend it. But at that moment, it felt like it had all those months ago. Like I was about to wake up from a dream. As soon as I walked away from him, I would never see him again, because there was no way he could be real. The connection between us, the energy swirling around us . . . all of it was in my mind, and the thought of losing it was making it hard to breathe.
He took a step closer to me, and his husky voice dropped low. “Every day, Aurora . . . every second, I regretted letting you walk away from me. You were supposed to be mine. So go home and think, really think, because you know that where Declan is, I’ll always be, and vice versa. And if in the end you do choose me, then I’ll be there with you to face what’s coming. If you choose him, then . . .” He trailed off and swallowed roughly. His gaze darted away to stare at the ocean, but he didn’t finish his thought. There wasn’t a need to.
“I hear you, but I can’t do this,” I said. “I can’t go home with him and pretend.”