I’m even kind of glad to see Stevie Kosgrov back on his old turf, prowling around in the schoolyard, blocking my path.
“What?” Stevie sneers at me. “You think I’m going to treat you special just because you’re some kind of world-famous comedian in a wheelchair?”
“I sure hope not, Stevie. I just want what I’ve always wanted: to be treated like everybody else.”
“Congratulations, Crip. Your wish is about to come true.”
And then he gives my chair a good hard shove and tips me over.
I’m down on the ground, flat on my back. I thrust both arms up over my head and let out a joyous whoop!
“All right!” I shout. “Woo-hoooo! That’s what I’m talking about. I’m just a regular kid like the rest of you knuckleheads. Thank you! You’ve been a great audience. I love you. I love my life. I even love Stevie Kosgrov!”
For more great reads and free samplers, visit
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James Patterson has had more #1 bestsellers for children than any living writer. He is the author of the Middle School, I Funny, Treasure Hunters, and Daniel X novels, as well as House of Robots. His blockbusters for adults, featuring enduring characters like Alex Cross—in addition to his many books for teens, such as the Maximum Ride series—have sold more than 300 million copies worldwide. He lives in Florida.
Chris Grabenstein is a New York Times bestselling author who has collaborated with James Patterson on the I Funny and Treasure Hunters series and Daniel X: Armageddon. He lives in New York City.
Laura Park is a cartoonist and the illustrator of the I Funny series and four books in the Middle School series. She is the author of the minicomic series Do Not Disturb My Waking Dream, and her work has appeared in The Best American Comics. She lives in Chicago.
BOOKS BY JAMES PATTERSON
for Young Readers
The I Funny Novels
I Funny (with Chris Grabenstein, illustrated by Laura Park)
I Even Funnier (with Chris Grabenstein, illustrated by Laura Park)
I Totally Funniest (with Chris Grabenstein, illustrated by Laura Park)
The Middle School Novels
Middle School, The Worst Years of My Life
(with Chris Tebbetts, illustrated by Laura Park)
Middle School: Get Me out of Here!
(with Chris Tebbetts, illustrated by Laura Park)
Middle School: Big Fat Liar
(with Lisa Papademetriou, illustrated by Neil Swaab)
Middle School: How I Survived Bullies, Broccoli, and Snake Hill
(with Chris Tebbetts, illustrated by Laura Park)
Middle School: Ultimate Showdown
(with Julia Bergen, illustrated by Alec Longstreth)
Middle School: Save Rafe!
(with Chris Tebbetts, illustrated by Laura Park)
The Treasure Hunters Novels
Treasure Hunters
(with Chris Grabenstein and Mark Shulman, illustrated by Juliana Neufeld)
Treasure Hunters: Danger Down the Nile
(with Chris Grabenstein, illustrated by Juliana Neufeld)
The Daniel X Novels
The Dangerous Days of Daniel X (with Michael Ledwidge)
Watch the Skies (with Ned Rust)
Demons and Druids (with Adam Sadler)
Game Over (with Ned Rust)
Armageddon (with Chris Grabenstein)
Other Illustrated Novels
House of Robots (with Chris Grabenstein, illustrated by Juliana Neufeld)
Public School Superhero (with Chris Tebbetts, illustrated by Cory Thomas)
Daniel X: Alien Hunter (graphic novel; with Leopoldo Gout)
Daniel X: The Manga, Vols. 1–3 (with SeungHui Kye)
For previews of upcoming books in these series and other information, visit middleschoolbooks.com, ifunnybooks.com, treasurehuntersbooks.com, and daniel-x.com.
For more information about the author, visit jamespatterson.com.
According to my mother—whose name is Elizabeth—the robot’s name, E, stands for Egghead, which is what a lot of people call my mom, Professor Elizabeth Hayes, PhD, because she’s so super smart (except when she does super-dumb stuff like making me take a talking robot to school for anything besides show-and-tell).
My dad, Noah Rodriguez, says the name E stands for Einstein Jr. because the robot is such a genius. Ha! Would a genius go to school without wearing underpants? I don’t think so.
My sister, Maddie, thinks E is a perfect name all by itself and stands for nothing except E.
I kind of like Maddie’s idea. Even though Maddie doesn’t go to school, she’s so smart it’s almost impossible to fight or argue with her about anything. Trust me. I’ve tried.
But the more time I spend with E, the more I think I know what his name really means: ERROR!
“Remember, Samuel,” E says when we reach the bus stop, “always wait for the school bus on the sidewalk. Do not stand, run, or play in the street.”
A lot of my friends from the neighborhood are already at the corner. Most of them are gawking at the clunky machine with the glowing blue eyeballs that’s following behind me like an obedient Saint Bernard.
“What’s with the bright blue eyeballs?” I mumble. “Are those like freeze-ray guns?”
“Let’s form a straight line, children, away from the street,” E chirps. And get this—E can smile. And blink. (But you can hear the mini-motors clicking and purring inside his head when he does.)
“I make these suggestions,” E continues, “in an attempt to enhance your school-bus-boarding safety.”
Everybody stops gawking at E and starts staring at me.
None of the kids are smiling. Or blinking.
E is definitely the biggest ERROR my mother has ever made—worse than the time she designed a litter-box-cleaning robot that flung clumps of kitty poop all over the house.
“What is that thing?” asks Jackson Rehder, one of the kids who ride the bus with me every morning.
“Another one of my mother’s ridiculous robots,” I say, giving E the stink eye.
“What’s his name?”
“E. For Error. Just like in baseball.”
“I’m sorry, Samuel,” says E. “You are mistaken. You are imparting incorrect information. Your statement is fallacious.”
Great. Now the stupid robot wants to argue with me? Unbelievable.
Stick around. This should be fun.
Contents
COVER
TITLE PAGE
WELCOME
DEDICATION
PART ONE: FINALLY, THE FINALS! CHAPTER 1. START THE COUNTDOWN CLOCK
CHAPTER 2. SMILEYVILLE: THE TOWN WITH THE FROWN
CHAPTER 3. MIDDLE SCHOOL COOL? ME?
CHAPTER 4. MY BESTIES (FRIENDS, NOT JOKES)
CHAPTER 5. CRAMMING FOR THE FINALS
CHAPTER 6. RINGING UP THE LAUGHS
CHAPTER 7. WANTED: FUNNY BONES, FAMILY-SIZED
CHAPTER 8. LAUGH, TWO, THREE, FOUR
CHAPTER 9. A NIGHTMARE BEFORE BEDTIME
CHAPTER 10. KNOCK-KNOCK IT OFF
CHAPTER 11. LIVING THE DREAM—OR MAYBE THE NIGHTMARE
CHAPTER 12. BEING GREAT CAN BE GRATING
CHAPTER 13. READY! SET! NOT SO FAST…
CHAPTER 14. THE END OF THE WORLD (WELL, MINE, ANYWAY)
CHAPTER 15. TV DINNER
CHAPTER 16. I’M BAAAAACK
CHAPTER 17. TV OR NOT TV?
CHAPTER 18. GOOD MORNING, AMERICA!
CHAPTER 19. SMILE—YOU’RE ON CANDID CAMERA, 24/7
CHAPTER 20. GILDA TO THE RESCUE!
CHAPTER 21. UP PAST MY BEDTIME IN THE AFTERNOON
CHAPTER 22. HOLLYWOOD IN NEW YORK
CHAPTER 23. JAMIE AND JIMMY
CHAPTER 24. LOOK AT ME! I’M ON LATE-NIGHT TV!
CHAPTER 25. PREVIEW OF COMING DISTRACTIONS
CHAPTER 26. HURRY UP AND WAIT
CHAPTER 27. FLYING TO THE LEFT COAST
CHAPTER 28. THEY FU
NNY, TOO
CHAPTER 29. MEET CHATTY PATTY, DUMB AS A FOX
CHAPTER 30. SURF’S UP AND I’M DOWN
CHAPTER 31. I DON’T HAVE A GHOST OF A CHANCE
CHAPTER 32. ONE DAY I SPENT A WEEK IN LA TRAFFIC
CHAPTER 33. JUDY, JUDY, JUDY!
CHAPTER 34. SHOWTIME!
CHAPTER 35. STIFF COMPETITION (I’M THE STIFF)
CHAPTER 36. COUNTING DOWN THE COMICS
CHAPTER 37. WAS I EVEN ON THE SHOW?
CHAPTER 38. AND THE LOSERS ARE…
CHAPTER 39. AMERICA HAS SPOKEN!
CHAPTER 40. A HEAD TOO BIG FOR MY HAT
CHAPTER 41. WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE…
CHAPTER 42. TONIGHT’S SPECIAL: ANOTHER LECTURE
CHAPTER 43. WE INTERRUPT THIS MELTDOWN FOR A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
CHAPTER 44. SAM I AM. BAM!
CHAPTER 45. MOVING TO COT CITY
CHAPTER 46. PLAYING THE RED CROSS ROOM
CHAPTER 47. FUNNY MEETING YOU HERE
PART TWO: HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD? CHAPTER 48. A VERY DARK MORNING
CHAPTER 49. LONG-DISTANCE DISTRESS
CHAPTER 50. MAKE ’EM LAUGH
CHAPTER 51. PUTTING THE “YIKES” INTO SKYPE
CHAPTER 52. MORE BAD NEWS ON THE BOARDWALK
CHAPTER 53. BACK TO SCHOOL… AND SUDDENLY COOL
CHAPTER 54. HAULING MY BIG HEAD HOME
CHAPTER 55. STINKING UP THE BATHROOM
CHAPTER 56. WAKE-UP CALL
CHAPTER 57. SWIMMING WITH THE HOLLYWOOD SHARKS
CHAPTER 58. SLEEPING LIKE A BABY: CRYING AND SCREAMING ALL NIGHT
CHAPTER 59. A LITTLE NY IN LA
CHAPTER 60. STRESS REHEARSAL
CHAPTER 61. CHANGING MY ACT IN MIDSTREAM
CHAPTER 62. EVEN MORE HOTEL GUESTS
CHAPTER 63. PARTY? ON A SCHOOL NIGHT?
CHAPTER 64. HEARD ANY JUICY HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP LATELY?
CHAPTER 65. A MOB OF REPORTERS
CHAPTER 66. MY NEW WHEELCHAIR
CHAPTER 67. PIN THE TAIL ON THE MOVIE STAR
CHAPTER 68. RAFE TO THE RESCUE
CHAPTER 69. HEY, IT’S HOLLYWOOD. EVERYBODY’S A PHONY!
CHAPTER 70. READY OR NOT, HERE I GO!
CHAPTER 71. WHERE’S JAMIE-O?
CHAPTER 72. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PRESENTING ME!
CHAPTER 73. A BACKSTAGE MIRACLE
CHAPTER 74. LUCKY DAY?
CHAPTER 75. MAY I HAVE THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE? PRETTY PLEASE?
CHAPTER 76. I’M SORRY. COULD YOU REPEAT THAT?
CHAPTER 77. SAY GOOD-BYE TO HOLLYWOOD!
CHAPTER 78. GOING BACK IN TIME
CHAPTER 79. HOME SWEET HOME
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
BOOKS BY JAMES PATTERSON
A SNEAK PEEK OF HOUSE OF ROBOTS
COPYRIGHT
Copyright
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
Copyright © 2015 by James Patterson
Illustrations by Laura Park
Cover art by Laura Park
Cover design by Tracy Shaw
Cover © 2015 Hachette Book Group, Inc.
All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher is unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at
[email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
Little, Brown and Company
Hachette Book Group
1290 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10104
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The Little, Brown name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.
First ebook edition: January 2015
ISBN 978-0-316-40594-2
E3
James Patterson, I Totally Funniest: A Middle School Story
(Series: I Funny # 3)
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