Part of me still wants to tell you, but I can’t. The world isn’t magical, Aus. It’s real. If I told you everything when I first wanted to, we would never have had what we had. So, please, don’t hate me for keeping it from you. I wanted to protect you. I wanted to protect us, but I guess in the end I couldn’t.
And I need to tell you this now before it’s too late, because I don’t think I’ll stay in Leeds much longer. I need to get away from here and start again. Nothing feels the same anymore, and I doubt it ever will. Everything reminds me of you. Everywhere I go reminds me of a time spent with you.
I haven’t told Mum yet. I like to think me leaving will help her, finally set her free. But I’m scared, because if I go, I go. There isn’t any way back, and I know this. It’s for the best, I’m sure it is. Not just for me, but for you, too. And my mother. And him…
I shouldn’t tell you any of this, because why should you care? You shouldn’t, but it still seems familiar to share my worries and thoughts with you. I know I’ve kept secrets, but I promise I’ve shared more with you than anyone else in this world. I need you to know it wasn’t a lie. I need you to know I loved you, and that leaving you…my life aches. It’s ruined. I’m ruined. I keep thinking about how unfair it all is, and how everything could be different if only… But what’s the point? What’s done is done.
I miss you. I miss you more than I ever thought possible. I’ll love you forever.
But you shouldn’t love me. You need to let me go and live your life, and me leaving will help. I know it will. Whatever you find out in the future, know my love for you was real. I promise.
I miss you, Ausdylan Elvis Ashford. It’s time to let go.