“Yes. Did you mean to come inside me?” she repeats. Finally, her eyes meet mine, and in hers…I think I see fear. And anger. And a little bit of sorrow. It’s that last one that kills me.
“I don’t know.” And I don’t. I’d like to think it was intentional. I’d also like to think it was an accident, but I don’t know. All I know is that I finally had her. I had her in my arms, with her tight around me, and I love her. I love her and it just seemed right. But it must not have been right. It must not have been right at all.
I was wrong. She wasn’t ready. I just didn’t know it.
She nods and climbs under the covers. I try to pull her to me, but she rolls away, putting inches between us. Instead of letting me wrap myself around her, she reaches back and takes my hand, holding it tenderly against her hip. She says nothing, not even when the bus door opens and we get on the road again.
She hasn’t completely shut down on me, but she’s close.
“What are you thinking about?” I ask the darkness.
She doesn’t answer. I know she’s not asleep.
I tug her fingers, trying to get her attention. “Can you talk to me?”
“I’m not thinking about anything,” she finally says. She rolls further onto her stomach and lets me slide an arm around her. She pretends to go to sleep, but she’s tense in my arms for a long time. Too long.
I made a mistake. A big one.
Wren
The next morning, I wake up and Mick is gone. I brush my teeth and stumble to the front of the bus in search of coffee. And in search of Mick. The bus is stopped and Mel and Alex are playing cards at the small dinette table.
“Where’s Mick?” I ask.
He points toward the north end of the street. “Said he had an errand to run.” He doesn’t look up from where he’s playing cards.
I get a cup of coffee and sit down with them. “Do you want to play?” Alex asks.
I wave them off with a hand in the air. “No, no, you guys go ahead.” I take a sip of my coffee and then ask, “Do you guys know what Mick’s errand was?”
Alex shrugs, but Mel’s eyes meet mine. She knows something is up. She looks down just as quickly.
“Did he say when he’ll be back?”
Alex shakes his head as he presents Mel with a full house.
“Have you seen the tabloids recently?” I ask him.
He reaches next to him and passes me the stack of papers. I open the first one.
EX-ZERO-GUITARIST SPEAKS OUT
“Shane spoke out? About what? He couldn’t find his way out of a dark closet if you left the light on. What does he know about my relationship?”
“Oh, so you have a relationship, now?” Alex teases.
“Shut up,” I mutter. But Alex has been with us a long time. He’s like family.
MYSTERY MAN DISCOVERED—HE’S ALREADY A ZERO, BY MARRIAGE
Shit. They’ve figured out who he is. Hopefully, they can’t trace the kids.
The door opens and Mick steps onto the bus. He startles when he sees me sitting with Alex and Mel. “I didn’t think you’d be up yet,” he says. His eyes don’t meet mine. I see that he’s holding a small square package in his hand, and it’s in a brown paper bag. I look, trying to see what it is. He puts it behind his back, and goes to the back of the bus, walking backward the whole way. He turns and pulls the curtain behind him.
I walk to the back of the bus. Something is up, and I want to know what it is. I slide behind the curtain and sit down on the bed, scooting toward the headboard as I balance my coffee. I cross my legs and watch him.
Mick fidgets, and Mick never fidgets. I take all the blame.
“I owe you an apology,” I say.
“For what?”
“I kind of…got a little freaked out last night. I’m sorry. We had an amazing experience and then I went and ruined it. And I’m so sorry.”
His eyes finally meet mine. “Why do you think it was ruined?”
My cheeks get hot. “I climbed on your lap, and then I didn’t move when…you know. And then you…did the… And I got scared and went inside my own head. You said I get in my own way, and I definitely did last night.” I shake my head. “Anyway, I’m sorry. So sorry.”
Mick clears his throat. “First of all, yes, you climbed on my lap and I loved every second of it. I came inside you because I felt like it was okay in that moment. I felt like no matter what happened, we would be okay, because you were going to be mine and I was going to be yours.”
“But I didn’t give you a choice.”
He scoffs. “I could have moved you if I had wanted to. You’re light as a feather. I could have pulled my dick out. No problem. So, don’t assume you made me do anything I didn’t want to do.”
“So…you did…want to…”
“I wanted to come inside you, yes. I didn’t want to pull out.”
“Oh.” I play with a loose thread on the blanket that’s covering the bed. My heart zings in my chest. He wants permanence.
“Then I realized when we were done that I made a mistake.”
My heart stalls. “What?”
“It was the wrong thing to do. Wrong time. Wrong place. It never should have happened. I realized that. And I owe you an apology. I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what, exactly?”
“I’m sorry for trying to make it into more than you want it to be.”
It’s my everything. “What are you talking about?”
“Wren,” he says, finally frustrated with me. “My God, Wren, you weren’t ready for a stupid thing like that. And I’m not sure you’ll ever be ready.” He bangs his fist against the wall and groans.
I think I am ready. I thought I was ready. I got scared last night but now he’s the one acting all weird, being all distant. He says I’m the one that’s not ready, but in the light of day, maybe it’s Mick who isn’t ready for the possibilities. My heart sinks.
He picks up the small paper bag and holds it out to me, his hand shaking. “I got you this. I think it’s the right thing to do.”
I open it and find a box with a “morning after” pill in it. Women take them when someone makes a mistake and he or she needs to be sure there won’t be any repercussions. My eyes immediately fill with tears. “You want me to take this?” I whisper.
“I want you to be happy, Wren. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. And if taking that will make you happy, then that’s what I want you to do. I want you to have the option. I wanted to be damn sure I didn’t trap you into anything you didn’t want. So, take it. Take it if you want to. Take it if it’s all too much. Take it if you feel like we made a mistake. It’s your body, and I’d never try to tell you what to do with it.”
I kind of wanted it to be his body too. But he’s dumping this in my lap, and he’s making it my decision alone. He’s leaving me alone just like the others did. My parents. The baby that never took a breath. And now Mick. He’s pushing me away. He’s walking back. He’s not in this, not the way I am.
I nod. “Okay.”
“So, you’re going to take it?” he asks. He stares into my eyes, his gaze hard and unyielding.
“I have, what, forty-eight hours?” I pretend to read it, but the words just swim across the box.
“Something like that,” he mutters. “I’m going to go take a walk.”
“But you just got back—”
He doesn’t answer. He just pulls the curtain and he leaves the bus. The door closes behind him with a clank. It’s really a quiet sound but it seems so loud.
I look down at the box and read the instructions. I pull out the package and pop the pill out of the bubble wrapper. I hold it up and stare at it. It’s a choice that all women should have, but I just don’t want the choice at all. I’d rather it be out of my hands. I’d rather just be able to say, “Well, we got carried away and one thing led to another and BOOM! Preggers.” But I can’t say that now that he gave me this, because he gave me a choice. I lift it to my mouth and lay it on my tongue.
And
then…
And then I spit it out. It lands in my hand in a glob of spit, and I go to the bathroom and run water over my tongue, cleaning my mouth out. This isn’t what I want. I want fate to choose. If there’s a baby that comes of what we did last night, then that’s what I want.
I flush the pill down the toilet.
I need to go and tell Mick. He said it was up to me, not that he wanted me to do it. He doesn’t want that, does he?
I put my shoes on, and my heart is as light as air. I hope he’s not too mad because I couldn’t do it. But I feel like he’s not going to be. I hope he’s not going to be.
Mel gets up when I start out the door, and I know she’s going to follow me. I don’t particularly care. I need to find Mick. I turn the corner, looking for his baseball cap and broad shoulders. But I don’t see them. I run to the left and turn the corner, but he’s nowhere in sight.
I walk for what seems like hours, although I know it’s only minutes, but he’s nowhere to be found.
Mick
I walk aimlessly down the street, having no destination in mind. Where I want to be is sitting right next to Wren, so that I can tell her all the reasons why she shouldn’t take that pill. I start to list them off in my head.
1. I love her.
2. I’m pretty sure she loves me.
3. She’d make the best mother.
4. I think I’d make a pretty fucking great dad.
5. We have plenty of support from both our families.
6. We both have good jobs, although I could never compete with the kind of money she makes.
7. I would love her until the end of time.
But I can’t sway her decision with my own preference. It has to be her decision or I will feel, for the rest of my life, like I pushed an unwanted pregnancy on her.
In the back of my head, though, I just want to go back to her and tell her that I love her. I want to sit and hold her hand through all of this. I want to be her rock. With that in mind, I rush back to the bus.
Alex is watching TV on the big screen.
“Where is she?” I ask.
“I think she went to find you.”
“What for?”
He shrugs. “Not sure, but she was in a hurry.”
I walk to the back of the bus and see the open package. My heart stops. I pick it up and pull the trash from inside the now-empty box and my heart stops again. It fucking stops. I pound my chest to stop the ache.
She took the pill.
She took the pill.
She took the pill.
It’s over. She doesn’t feel the same way I do. We have different dreams and goals.
It’s over. She may as well have reached inside my chest and pulled my heart out with her bare hands. I love Wren, but I need to get away. I need distance so I can deal. She’s going to be okay, but I’m not sure I ever will be.
Her body. Her choice. And she’s made it clear that her choice isn’t me.
I start to pack my things up. Alex gives me a funny look as I pull my suitcase from under the bus and start to haphazardly throw things into it.
The door on the bus opens. “Mick!” Wren calls.
I don’t answer. I can’t. I can’t even look her in the face right now. I just can’t. “What?” I finally ask when she calls my name again.
She stops short when she sees the suitcase. “What are you doing?”
“Packing.”
“Why?”
I run a hand through my hair. “I think I’m going to the airport and am just going to fly back. I need to get back to work.”
“Did your work call you or something?”
“No, I just need to get back.”
“We can fly together,” she says. She bounces from foot to foot.
“Sure,” I say.
She glances toward the front of the bus, her mouth open to say something, but then she closes it, takes a breath and says, “I’ll pack my things.”
“Okay.” I zip my bag. I’m packed.
“Alex can make arrangements for the bus.”
“Okay.” I go to the front of the bus to wait. Alex goes out the door.
“Mick,” she calls out.
I turn back and lift my eyebrows at her.
“Did I do something wrong?” she asks quietly.
“No,” I say. And to be honest, she didn’t. She did what was right for her. It just wasn’t what was right for us. “Of course not.”
“Okay,” she says. She packs really quickly. We take a taxi to the airport and we get tickets. I pay for mine, and she pays for hers and Mel’s. Alex is staying with the bus. We sit in first class, because that’s how she rolls. She has to sign a few autographs for some of the staff, and even the pilot comes out to talk to her.
But through it all, we don’t speak. A few times, she opens her mouth to say something. I can see it hanging there in the air between us. But then she glances toward the seat in front of us where Mel is sitting and closes her mouth.
From the airport, I have the taxi go to her apartment first.
She gets out, and I get out with her. I feel like it’s my duty. “Do you want to come up?” she asks. She eyes my luggage, which I didn’t take out of the trunk. “Mick…” she says, her gaze troubled.
I run a hand through my hair and look everywhere but at her. “I had better not. I have to work tomorrow. Need to get some sleep.”
“You could sleep here.”
“I had better not.”
“Oh.” She scuffs the toe of her shoe on the sidewalk, and the doorman comes out to help with her bag. Mel goes inside with the doorman.
“Will you call me?” she asks. “Later?”
I walk up to her slowly and look into her eyes. “Thank you for going on this trip with me. You were so much help. The kids loved you. I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“You’re welcome,” she says quietly.
“I love you,” I say, as I pull her against me. Her arms wrap around my waist and she holds me tight until I unwind her and pull back.
“Why do I feel like you’re telling me goodbye?” she asks.
I kiss her forehead, lingering there long enough to fill my nose with the scent of her shampoo.
Then I let her go and walk away. I have to. I see her swipe a tear from her cheek as I close the door of the taxi, and my heart breaks.
But it’s the right thing to do. It really is.
She took the fucking pill. She doesn’t want me the way that I want her.
Wren
After a long, sleepless night, I wake up to find my four sisters sitting in my living room. I stumble to the coffee pot as they lie in wait, like a pack of hyenas waiting to pick my bones and chat on my couches. In my head, I can still see the couch cushions on the floor as Mick and I played the lava game with the kids. Now, they hold my favorite people in the world, who just happen to also be the four people I want to see the least right now.
“Don’t you all have homes to go to?” I ask over a yawn as I stumble into the kitchen.
“This is home, bitch,” Finny says.
“Um…I’m pretty sure you live somewhere else now,” I remind her. “So why don’t you all go back there?”
“Someone’s grumpy when she wakes up,” Star mutters.
“Don’t you have a child you should be taking care of?” I ask, as I get my coffee and go flop on the chair that’s not occupied. I tuck a blanket around my legs.
“Marta” is the only word she says.
Finny nods. “They have mine too. Emilio is taking him to the park.” Benji might not have come from her body, but he’s her son, and Emilio is fiercely in love with him. Finny lays her hand on her belly when she feels a kick. “I’ll be glad when this one’s out so he can take her too.”
“Her?” I ask.
She smiles. “Her.”
“I get to buy pretty dresses to go along with the Tonka trucks she’ll have to have. And baseball caps to go with the tiaras.” I smile, but I don’t feel like smi
ling. My life is shit, and I don’t know what to do about it. “Why are you all here?” I ask, covering my mouth as another yawn escapes.
“Well,” Finny starts, a mischievous grin on her face, “we want to know how big Mick’s dick really is. Inquiring minds want to know, and all that.”
I set my coffee cup on the table.
Lark reaches over and covers Finny’s mouth. “We do not want to know that.”
Finny pretends to struggle. “You know you do,” Finny says from behind Lark’s palm.
Lark lifts her hand and rocks her head back and forth like a metronome. “Okay, so we kind of do, but that’s not the most important thing. How was the trip?”
“Fine.” I pick my coffee back up.
“Fine?” Peck says. Peck is the one who has been married the longest. She’s also the quietest. It used to be because she had a fierce stutter, but now it’s because she chooses her words with care. “D-define fine,” she says.
“The kids were great. The trip was tiring. The ride was exhausting.”
“Was it hard turning them over? The kids, I mean,” Lark asks.
“No, they were happy to be with their grandmother. They’re going to be fine.” I shrug. “That part was well worth the trip.”
“So, can we get back to what’s important?” Finny says with a snort. She leans toward me like she’s telling me a secret, but says loudly, “Did you get any pictures of the goods?”
“The goods?”
“You know, the man meat. The dick pic. The ol’ sausage.”
I lift a hand. “You can stop there. I get it. And no, I didn’t get any pictures.”
“But you did see it.” She slaps her hand on her thigh. “I knew it. I knew you would.”
“So, what happened? Why aren’t you happy?” Star asks. Out of all my sisters, we’re the closest. She knows me the best.
“I…I don’t know,” I admit. I shrug my shoulders as tears flood my eyes. I blink them back. “I have no idea what happened.” And I don’t. I still don’t know. “We came home early, because he said he had to go to work. And we didn’t speak on the plane, or when we came home. It was like everything changed with that pill, and I don’t know what to do about it.”