CHAPTER FOUR
There was a noise from upstairs.
Ian looked up. "What was that?"
Another noise.
"It sounded like a window opening," Steven noted.
Ian drew his gun. "Come on," he advanced up the stairs, Steven and Matthew following in close quarters.
The floorboards on the landing outside Robert, Philip and Sarah's room creaked.
"Sophie?" Sarah called. No answer. "Mrs Sutherland?"
"The OTHER Mrs Sutherland?" Philip called. No answer.
Sarah opened the door gingerly. There was no one on the landing, but the nursery door was slightly ajar. "Oh my God," Sarah breathed.
Ian kicked in the nursery door.
The window was open. The crib was empty. The baby was gone.
"What the hell?!" Steven exclaimed.
Ian ran to the window. "I don't - I don't believe it..."
Matthew and Steven ran to join him.
The Campbell's baby was about ten feet from the window ledge.
In the arms of a green witch who was floating in mid-air atop a broomstick.
"Holy CRAP!" Matthew swore.
Ian aimed his weapon. "Stay where you are, madam. I am placing you under arrest!"
The witch shrieked with hysterical laughter and zoomed off into the night.
Matthew looked at Ian disparagingly. "Well, that worked."
Sarah, Philip and Robert burst into the nursery.
The crib was empty.
"What the - " Philip breathed.
Sophie ran in behind them. "Has she gone?" she asked fearfully.
"Who, honey?" Sarah questioned.
Sophie looked at her with big eyes. "The bad witch," she said crossly.
Ian's watch-phone beeped.
"Ian, it's Sarah. The Sutherlands baby, it's gone."
"Listen to me," Ian adjusted his watch-phone to transmit to all the gang. "We know who the kidnappers are. They're WITCHES!"
"Witches?" Scott exclaimed disbelievingly.
"He's lost his marbles," Steve noted. The doorbell rang. "I'll get it." He swung open the front door to reveal a green-skinned woman in a black cloak. "Holy FUCK!" Steve swung up his machine-gun.
The woman screamed.
A little boy jumped in front, shielding her. "Please - don't kill my mommy!"
Steve hesitated. "Hunh?"
Christine Winchester, alerted by the cry, rushed in. "That's Mrs Pilkington, m milkwoman!" she told Steve. "Why are you pointing a machine-gun at my milkwoman?!?!"
Steve lowered his weapon reluctantly. "Sorry, Mrs Pilkington."
The fake witch had tears in her eyes as she took her son's hand and led him away. "That's it," she cried, "next year we're staying at home and renting fucking "Ghostbusters"!"
There was a cry from upstairs.
"The baby!" Steve charged upstairs, Banix and Scott chasing after him. Steve burst into the nursery to find a green skinned witch just plucking the baby from the crib. "Witch!" he roared, opening fire.
The witch dove out of the way just in time. "You mad git!" Wendy shrieked, pointing her wand at him. "Howzat!"
Steve transformed into a small green frog.
Banix charged across the room, knocking the wand from the witch's hand and out the window. They struggled fiercely. "Unhand the child, hag," he told her. The Witch managed to shove him away, inadvertently bending her broomstick in the process. Scott went for her. Grabbing both the baby and the bent broomstick, the witch threw herself out of the window headfirst.
"Downstairs!" Scott charged from the room.
Banix followed suit, pausing only to pick up Steve. "I will look after you," he told the frog.
"Ribbit," croaked Steve.
Banix put him in his pocket and raced after Scott.
Scott and Banix raced out of the house to find the witch clambering on the broomstick. It seemed unable to fly high, but was still hovering above the street.
"I'll get you, my pretties!" Wendy wailed. "And all your little friends too!" She kicked at the air and the broomstick zoomed off down the street.
"Come on," Scott raced to their car. "We can't let her get away." They dived in the car, Banix driving. Scott got on his watch-phone. "Guys, we are in pursuit of a witch. Her broomstick is damaged and she is only flying at street level, but she is moving fast and she still has the baby. Repeat, she still has the baby."
Ian, Matthew and Steven were running for their vehicles.
Matthew beamed at Ian, hearing Scott's words. "Don't you just love our life?" he grinned.
Scott and Banix turned another corner, but there was no sign of the witch on the street ahead.
"Where is she?" Scott growled. "Goddammit, we've lost her!"
Suddenly the witch zoomed up from behind them to alongside Scott's window. Her wand was back in her hand. "Take this, my pretties!"
The wand zapped the car, flipping it over, leaving Scott and Banix trapped upside-down.
"A-ha-hah!" Wendy cackled. She flew on, but the street ahead was suddenly blocked by another car.
A car containing Ian, Matthew and Steven Brick.
"It's the witch," Ian noted.
"But which witch?" Matthew quipped.
Wendy turned around on her broomstick to look the other way. Philip, Sarah and Robert's car blocked that way. "Think you can trap me, do you?" Wendy cackled. "Think again!" she raised her wand.
Steven fired, knocking the weapon from her hand.
"Son of a bitch!" the witch cursed.
"Matt," Ian said.
"I can take her," Matthew concentrated, and vanished. He reappeared on the back of the broomstick. "Surprise!" Grabbing the baby, Matthew shoved her off. Wendy hit the floor, standing up to face a very angry Ian's Gang, all pointing guns at her. And she had no wand or broomstick anymore.
"Where are the others?" Ian demanded.
"I ain't no grass," Wendy squawked.
"I know you're immortal," Ian told her. "But how'd you like to be immortal - and blind?" Steve and Robert grabbed the witch's arms.
"You wouldn't," Wendy growled, but there was fear on her face now.
"Wouldn't I?" Ian mocked.
"Ian," Banix showed him the frog. "This is Steve."
"What?" Ian turned to Wendy. "You old witch! Turn him back!"
"I need the wand for that," Wendy said slyly.
Ian picked it up. "No tricks. Banix - she does anything other than turn Steve back, poke out her eyes." Banix flexed his metal fingers. Ian handed Wendy the wand. She pointed it, and Steve reappeared. "You okay?" Ian questioned, retrieving the wand.
"Ribbit - I mean - er - right on," Steve coughed.
"Now then," Ian faced Wendy once more, glowering. "Where are the others?"
In Maltby Woods, Gladys and Esmeralda were staring at the boiling soup in their cauldron. On the grass beside them, two babies cried and wailed.
"I cannot wait for the feast to commence!" Gladys licked her lips.
"But where is Wendy?" Esmeralda scowled. "She should be here by now."
"Oh, you know what she's like these days," Gladys shrugged. "Mind like a sieve, that woman."
Suddenly the clearing was filled with Ian's Gang and police officers, all pointing guns at Gladys and Esmeralda.
"You're both under arrest!" Steven told them. "Lay down your wands and surrender!"
Gladys and Esmeralda looked at each other, bemused.
"Well," Gladys commented. "In a hundred thousand years, this has never happened before."
Esmeralda nodded sagely. "Aye, it's a new one alright."
An hour later, the gang were back at Base, the drama over, the witches in police custody and the babies safely back with their parents.
"So," Matthew purred, "Steve. If there's one word you'd use to sum up your experience as a frog, what would it be?"
Steve considered. "Horny," he said finally. Matthew frowned.
Scott was talking to Sarah on one side. "So," he began awkwardly, "I hear there's a new
"Friday the 13th" movie opening on Thursday."
"Yeah, I know," Sarah replied brightly. "Steve and I are going to see it Friday night."
Scott was taken aback. "Steve?"
"Yeah," Sarah smiled. "He asked me to go with him about half an hour ago. That was nice of him, wasn't it?" she wandered off happily.
Scott looked across the room. Steve waved at him merrily. "That son of a bitch," Scott growled.
Steven was facing Esmeralda, now sans wand, hat and broom, over a table in an interview room at Maltby Police Station. "You and your fellow witches are charged with three kidnappings, eight murders, one count of dangerous driving, and one of turning a law enforcement official into a frog. This is a very serious situation. Do you have anything to say?"
The witch looked at him bitterly. "I want a lawyer," she hissed.
THE IAN’S GANG LIBRARY
Season 1
The Bad Ian
Monster
I, Spy
Blood on Satan’s Claw
The Orius Project
The Wedding
The next story in the Ian’s Gang library is:
SIDEWAYS
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