Something inside took hold—an anger, a fury, a desire for revenge and to prove them wrong. I forced myself to my feet, and, still in agony from the ishonar and having my powers stripped, I trudged to the trail leading down to the portals. A voice calling my name on the wind led me forward, and I followed it until I could remember no more.
SIX
CAMILLE BURST INTO TEARS, AND KITÄÄ’S LIP was trembling, but I realized it wasn’t out of pity. No, they were tears of sisterhood. After six hundred years of hiding my scars, of hiding my shame, it actually felt good to open up, to show someone else the reminders I carried on my back.
“You are going to face him? The shadow of your lost love?” Kitää asked.
I nodded. “I have to. There’s no other way to break the curse than to find out what really happened. And I have to go alone. I asked my friends to come with me for support, but in the end I know I have to face him alone.”
“When will you go? Shadows exist in the light more than in the dark, you know.”
I thought about it. Waiting a day, two days, would do nothing for me. I’d no more be ready then than I was now. “I’ll go out at daybreak tomorrow onto the Skirts of Hel and hunt him down. And then . . . I’ll do whatever it takes to find out the truth and to help him rest. Vikkommin must know what happened. He’s my only hope now, for the life that I want.”
“Is there anything you need tonight? The Pack has trained shamans and we would be glad to offer whatever help we can.” She rested a hand on my arm. “Lady Iris, you are a brave woman, but don’t look a gift horse—”
“In the mouth. I know. If you could provide me with a private place where I may pray, and if you have anything to strengthen me against the cold and ice tomorrow, I would not turn away the offer.”
Facing the shadow of Vikkommin would be problematic and I had no clue as to what might happen. But tonight I knew I’d need to spend time in prayer. Even though I had been banished from the temple, Undutar still spoke to me and I needed to know she was with me when I confronted him. I needed to know that she cared.
Kitää motioned to one of the wolves. “We will prepare your quarters. I will oversee the preparation myself.”
When Camille and I were alone, she turned to me and took my hands in hers. “Iris, why didn’t you tell us all of this when we first met? Maybe we could have helped, come out here earlier. Are you sure you want to face him alone? You know I’ll stand by your side if you need me.”
“I know.” And I did know. Camille would fight to the death for me if she had to. But that wouldn’t help right now. “I had to be sure I could trust you first. And then, after I realized how happy I was with you and your sisters, I began to second-guess facing him down. But then I met Bruce, and he wants children, and the thought of telling him he had to choose between me and being a father . . . I couldn’t do it.”
“I think I understand,” she said, helping me back into my shirt.
“I never thought I’d have the courage to face Vikkommin’s shadow, but when he came to me on the astral this autumn—remember, you saw him, too—I realized he might somehow be able to hurt the people I love. Who I now call family. And I can’t have that. I can’t leave this undone. So here I am.”
“What do you think might get through to him? You said he’s mad.”
“He is, stark raving mad. Wouldn’t you be, lost in a shadow all those years? I don’t know how I’ll reason with him but I have to find something—some spark that still remembers what we had. We were truly in love, or at least I thought so.” I stared at the floor, trying to remember.
“Why do you say it that way? Did he tell you otherwise?”
I thought back, but my mind was blank. “I don’t know, but I keep feeling I need to qualify it. I know how much I loved him—from the first time our souls met, there was no one else. The Lady showed me his heart and how could I not love him? And . . . he did seem to love me. We spent most of our spare time together—there was so much to learn, and we had to learn how to work together.”
“Did he ever tell you how he felt?” Camille let out a slow breath. “Iris, could Vikkommin have been seeing someone else? Someone who wanted you out of the way? Ever since you told me about the whole situation, I keep thinking: Somebody was jealous of you. Somebody wanted the life you were to have.”
I knew she meant to help, but it couldn’t be that. It was too simple.
“There was no one. Sure, Vikkommin attracted a lot of attention and there were a few catty remarks about us—I also attracted my share of male acolytes. But the temple Elders questioned everyone. And it took years for another acolyte to be named High Priestess—a century at least. Until then, the Priestess-Mother stayed in charge. And the woman chosen was new, brought in from another temple. If somebody had wanted my position, why would they kill Vikkommin? They would have killed me and tried to take my place.”
I shook my head. “No, it wasn’t one of my peers. That much I know.” I looked up at her. “I have been over and over this, turning the puzzle in my thoughts for centuries. What would I have to gain from killing Vikkommin? What would I get out of it?”
“You say you loved him?”
“I did. I loved him and was looking forward to our wedding. The only thing I used to get mad at him for was the time he spent down in the White Forest. It was dangerous, but he wouldn’t listen to reason. He insisted on going down there alone. I was so afraid he’d end up on the wrong end of one of the snow spiders or a troll.” I closed my eyes, remembering our arguments over the subject. “We did fight, but he insisted he needed to hang out there for his magic. Something about the forest gave him strength.”
Camille shook her head. “If the forest gave him strength, I wonder what it did to his magic. I’ve learned the hard way that working death magic has altered me—changed how I view the world.”
Just then, Kitää returned. “I’ve arranged a private place for you. Follow Tezsa and she will take you there. I will wake you at daybreak with breakfast.”
As I hugged Camille good night and followed the wolf to the private chamber, I wondered what tomorrow would bring me. If luck was with me, I’d resolve this matter—or even just go home no worse off than now. But there were so many other possibilities.
AS I KNELT on the soft pelts layered in the little cubbyhole, surrounded by the gentle glow of eye catchers, I took out my wand. Thanks to Camille and her sisters, it held an Aqualine Crystal—the stone sacred to my magic. Now I gently removed it from the silver that held it steady and set the wand aside. I held the crystal up so that the light of the eye catchers shone through, and I stared into the icy blue of the stone.
Aqualine Crystal, endemic to Otherworld, had a direct line into the magic of mist and fog and snow. And it was sacred to Undutar. I breathed softly onto the gem, cupping it in my hands. Closing my fingers around it, I let myself slip into a deep trance, my body becoming the mere vessel enclosing my spirit.
I slipped lower, and still lower, until I found my heartstone—the core of my being that no one could ever take away. It was this part of myself the temple Elders could never reach, and that I could never fully read. It was here, in the primal energy of myself, that the answers lay hidden and locked away.
I touched my heartstone and felt my spirit begin to rise on wings, to soar into the celestial realms, to sing with the stars. Slowly, I began the chant I’d been taught to summon Undutar, my Lady of the Frozen Wastes.
Lady of Mists, Lady of the Fog,
Lady of the Snow and Ice, hear me.
I, your Priestess, come before you.
I, your Priestess, do beseech you.
I, your Priestess, bow before you.
Listen to me, if you will.
Listen to my cries for help.
Listen to my sorrow-story.
Answer, Lady, if you will.
Answer to my cries for help.
Answer to my sorrow-story.
The crystal began to glow in my hand, and then slowly its lu
minescence spread until my fingers reflected the shimmering blue light. I gazed on its beauty and willed myself to flow into the stone, into the power of the gem as it slowly beat a cadence that was the flow and life of Undutar.
Pirkitta. And so you are back on the doorstep to my temple. I have been waiting for you. The voice was all around me, booming, and yet I knew no one else could hear her but me.
My Lady, I have returned to put this matter to rest. I have fought against this moment, but I had to come home. And I felt the tears beginning to come—the tears I had avoided for so many, many years.
There was a beat of silence, and then she said what I most feared to hear. Tomorrow, you will face him. And you must destroy him. By your own hand, by yourself. You will find out the truth only in his death.
Destroy him. Destroy the shadow that had been my Vikkommin. I stared into the gem, tears streaming down my cheeks. Lady, would you say anything but that, I would accept and obey. But you tell me to destroy the man who once was to be my love forever.
He is no longer your love. And in some ways, he never was. Do as I order, my Ar’jant d’tel. You must, to break this curse and free yourself from the shackles of doubt. You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free to soar in my sight once again.
And then, the light faded, but not before my Lady said one last thing.
Pirkitta, remember: To counter shadow you must remove the light. Only in the darkness will shadow falter. Only in darkness can you destroy what is left of him. With that, she was gone and the crystal was, once again, merely a crystal.
I took a deep breath and sat back, staring at the stone. Remove the light. How was I to remove the light? If I went out in darkness, chances were I would not find Vikkommin to face him. If I went out in light, how could I remove the day? It was a riddle, one I decided I’d have to figure out as I went.
Fixing my Aqualine Crystal back in the wand, I set it to one side and burrowed deep in the pelts. The day had been long, and I was exhausted. And there was nowhere left but sleep for me to go without the memory of Vikkommin shadowing me.
WHEN I WOKE, Kitää had set a tray beside me. Hot broth, dense bread, and a soft creamy cheese. She had added an apple and a piece of jerky to the plate.
“Is it daybreak?” I had no clue as to what time it was. Surprisingly, I felt well rested and couldn’t remember if I’d dreamed or not, but my body was relaxed and warm. “I slept well. Thank you for the chance to meditate and pray by myself.”
“Aye, it is daybreak, nearly. Your friends still sleep. Should I wake them up? And yes, you would sleep well here. These caverns are protected by Aatu’s magic, and Aatu watches over all of his children as they sleep.”
That made sense. Being one of the Immortals, Howl would not need sleep. I gave her a soft smile. “No, let my friends rest. Wake them up after I am gone. I don’t want them arguing and trying to go with me. They came for support, but they cannot face the shadow beside me. This is my battle, and mine alone.”
I bit into the bread, and as it melted in my mouth I was struck by the thought that this might very well be my last meal, but I pushed it away. What would be, would be. What was destined to happen would, and I would live or I would die as my Lady willed it.
When I finished eating, Kitää helped me dress, gently zipping up my tunic and wrapping me with my cloaks. I grasped my wand and she stopped me.
“What is that ring?”
“Trenyth gave it to me. It’s the ring of Shevah—an elfin gift from a wonderful friend.” I held my hand out, gazing at the stone. I’d almost forgotten that I wore it—my hands had been buried in gloves since we’d arrived here.
“Do not forget you bear it. That gem will guide you to safety.” She gazed at it, then reached out and stroked my hair back, brushing it for me with long, soft strokes. “Don’t tie back your hair. I know it doesn’t make sense, but let those golden strands be yet another cloak. Let your beauty and light shine forth, Ar’jant d’tel. You know you are still her chosen one—perhaps not for what originally was ordained, but she walks in your aura, she guides your tongue and heart. That is so easy to see.”
I slipped into my boots, and Kitää arranged my hair so it streamed down my back, and I picked up my wand. “I’m ready,” I said, looking up at her.
She flashed me a brave smile. “I have faith in you, my friend.”
And so she led me to the mouth of the cavern where I slipped out into the early light of day.
THE SNOW WAS falling. I gazed across the expanse of mountainside. The sheets of ice were slick, glazing down over the rock. With a rock hammer, crampons on the bottom of my boots, and a length of rope over my shoulder, I was as ready as I’d ever be.
I slowly began to pick my way across the expanse of compact snow. It was so crusted over and I was so light that I only sank in to my ankles, but still, walking was slow going, and more than once I wished for snowshoes instead.
As the flurry blew flakes to stick on my hair, my eyelashes, my forehead, I wondered at the wisdom of letting my hair stay down. Ankle-length hair, when it didn’t have a life of its own like Smoky’s, could be dangerous in battle. And it was equally hard to manage in a storm like this. But Kitää had been so insistent that I decided she must have some sort of foresight on the subject.
Slowly, one step at a time, balancing myself with a walking stick I’d picked up before heading out of the cave, I worked my way across the expanse. I had one thing in my favor: Because of my small stature, my center of gravity was low and it was less likely I would fall than if I’d been of average size.
The wind blew something fierce, and I watched as the clouds raced across the sky, sending the snow into a sideways whirl. The flakes were small and they stung against the exposed flesh on my face, but the scarf I’d wound around my neck and over my mouth kept the worst of them at bay. I stopped for a moment and wiped my eyes against the glare of the snow as it threatened to blind me, then continued on.
Where would I find Vikkommin? Would he be hiding? Would I have to chase him out? The Skirts of Hel flanked an opening higher on the mountainside, a cavern in which I did not want to go because it was rumored to be an opening to the Underworld, and here, that very well might be right.
As the morning wore on, I looked back. Now the Pack’s headquarters was a distant blur against the mountain, but I had the feeling someone was watching me—and it didn’t feel like Vikkommin. Camille and the others would be awake by now, but I hoped they would heed my wishes and not come after me. Whatever I had to do, I didn’t want them to interfere.
A little farther on, I stopped, gazing up the mountainside. Without even realizing it, I’d come to the center of the Skirts of Hel and was standing right below the cavern, which seemed to have a very small opening. But the energy from the cave blasted down the mountain to send me reeling, and I doubled over, my stomach wrenched in a thousand directions.
Truly, a gate to the Underworld. Truly, the Gates of Hel.
A single note inside began to quiver and ring through my body, forcing me higher on the slope. I began to crawl up the mountain on hands and knees, because the energy was impossible to deny and impossible to wade through while standing. One foot at a time, I headed toward the cavern, and now I could hear something calling my name.
Pirkitta . . . Pirkitta . . . Pirkitta . . . It’s time for you to come back to me . . .
I froze. Vikkommin. That was Vikkommin’s voice from down below. I whirled, turning as the shadow embraced me, rushing up the side of the mountain. Within seconds, he was around me, a thick cloud, his energy filling every pore in my body, and as I forced myself to my feet I realized that Vikkommin had been waiting for me, and he was happy to see me.
“VIKKOMMIN, WHAT ARE you doing? What do you want?” I tried to keep myself focused on the reason for my journey, but the feel of his life force was like heady wine. I realized just how much I’d missed him—so much more than I remembered. The meeting was like fire to a match, like magnets long parted
.
Pirkitta, you’ve come back to me. You’ve come to join me.
“No, no, I can’t join . . .” My voice drifted off. Could it be that Vikkommin still loved me? That he forgave me for what happened? Maybe I hadn’t killed him. Maybe he was telling me in his own way . . .
Come with me. You don’t know the power I have now, my sweet flower. My little concubine. You were my match. We can be matched again, in death as in life. And he surrounded me, a shadow taking form, his arms embracing me—his body made of smoke.
I dropped my head back, leaning into the billowing shadow that held me fast. His embrace felt so good and I remembered the nights we’d spent together, nights of passion and fire, nights of tasting love’s delights, the nights where we’d made plans to rule the Order: wise, benevolent rulers, full of love and lust and magic to shake the mountains.
Remember . . . remember what we had . . .
Trying to shake my head clear, I brought my attention back. “Vikkommin, I need to know—I need to know what happened that night. I need to know if . . . if . . .”
If you killed me? If you turned me into what I am now, my sweet sprite?
“Yes. Please, tell me . . . I can’t remember.”
And then, Vikkommin pulled me back into his arms and he was kissing me, his shadow so strong I couldn’t break away. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to. But then I saw a gleam—his shadow form had eyes as black as night and they were sparkling with the strength of a thousand dark suns.
Oh my sweet one, you most certainly did kill me. You tore me to shreds. You are most assuredly a murderess, and now you will spend the rest of your days with me, for I am going to do to you what you did to me. And we will be back together again, for eternity.
And then, he began filtering into my body, his shadow shifting through my pores, seeping in through the cells, and I started to scream.