“What should I do, Mom?” I asked her.
She didn’t answer me, though.
I imagined she smiled at me, and that made me miss her more than I could possibly explain. I wanted to roll over and hug her as tight as I could to keep her from leaving me again.
“Mama, I miss you,” I told the imaginary figure sitting there. “So much. I wish you could have seen me make something of myself. I wish you could have seen all the work I should have done while you were here. I wish you could have seen that in person. I regret not doing that for you. I know you were only capable of so much, and I should have shown you what it meant to be strong. I’m sorry I didn’t pick you up that night.” I sobbed into my hands then wiped my face on my sleeve. “So sorry for that. More sorry than you could comprehend.
“I feel awfully alone without you. I know I have Ansen and Katie, but they’re their own entity, aren’t they? They’d do anything for me, I know it, but it’s not the same.
“The girls seem to be doing so well it’s actually scaring me. I’m scared they don’t need me anymore. That frightens me because I love them more than I love myself. And I want to be someone’s most important person. Know what I mean? I feel if I was someone’s most important person I would have reason, value.”
I stared at her beautiful face, forever stuck in that state, never to grow old, never to see me marry or my sisters marry, never to know grandchildren.
I rolled onto my side and curled into a ball.
“I feel like I stole a lot of things away from you and the girls, Mama. I’m desperate for forgiveness, but you can’t forgive me, can you? That’s why I feel stuck. So stuck.”
I pulled the covers over my head, unable to look at her anymore, regardless that she was only there because I’d put her there. I laid there for countless minutes, counting the breaths I took that didn’t really belong to me.
My phone began to ring and it startled me. I tossed the cover once more to stop the grating sound but when I sat up, my mother was gone. I stared at the perfectly unrumpled bedding where I’d imagined her.
The phone rang once more and I picked it up.
“Hello?” I asked.
“Young lady, where in the Sam Hill are you?” Bernard asked me.
“I’m still in my room.”
“What in heavens—” he began but stopped short. “It’s no matter. Get up. Come down here. You have half an hour before your first round. I expect to see you in ten.”
I sighed. “Yes, sir.”
I hung up and decided I’d obey him. He’d come looking for me if I didn’t anyway. And for some reason, I didn’t want to disappoint Bernard. He’d been so kind to me, despite his rough demeanor. I was starting to learn that Bernard had his own way of caring for others. It was unconventional, but it was kindness.
So I stood up, stripped my clothes off, and headed for the shower, brushed my teeth, and dressed in clean clothing, placing my lanyard around my neck. I’d barely towel dried my hair when I decided I no longer cared. I forewent makeup, didn’t bother to dry, let alone brush my hair, and wore an old pair of slippers I’d brought from home on a whim instead of my nicer shoes.
I left the room, the key in my back pocket, and headed for the elevators. My saturated hair dripped down the back of my T-shirt. When the doors opened, there was a group of women standing, waiting to get on. They looked at me strangely as I passed them.
The skittles room was packed, but I found Bernard at a table in the far back. The stares I got walking from the front of the room to him made my skin crawl. Bernard’s eyes bugged when he saw me. He stood.
“There’s something wrong with you,” he told me.
“I’m fine,” I could barely say.
He looked worried. “Let me get Salinger,” he said.
“No,” I said a little too forcefully. “No,” I said again, softer.
He leaned toward me. “Are you sure?”
“I’m certain. Shall we discuss strategies?” I asked him, desperate to change the subject.
“Only if you are capable,” he stated.
“I’m more than,” I assured him.
He eyed me as if he didn’t believe me but gestured to the nearest table. “Sit then.”
We discussed strategy vigorously, but I found without a cluttered head I remembered everything as if I was recalling my own name. And my head was just that. Uncluttered or unable to cope with anything, however you wanted to look at it. Either way, I was starting to feel okay with it.
It was the most peace I’d felt in a long time.
Someone blew open the skittles room door and announced the first round. Bernard stood when I did.
“The best of luck to you, young lady.”
“Thank you, Bernard.”
I turned and made for the double doors that led into the corridor. Halfway through the room, I noticed a group of people. Among them were Salinger and Lyric. They stood next to one another. I searched my chest and stomach and wondered where my earlier feelings were, but they weren’t there. Just as well.
“Is that Lily?” Peter Aurek asked the group.
I felt everyone’s eyes when they turned to see who Peter was referring to. My dripping hair stuck to the sides of my face. I was certain my eyes looked red and swollen. I knew what I looked like.
Salinger’s eyes popped wide. “Lily?” he whispered.
I closed my eyes when he did it. A sliver of pain blasted through my entire body when he said my name but dissipated just as quickly. I was broken.
I ignored him.
“She’s fucking crazy,” Lyric said, probably delighting in my current state.
I didn’t blame her. If I was an opportunist as she was, I’d exploit me for everything it was worth too.
I’d just passed them when I heard her laugh. “Something is seriously wrong with her.”
I felt their eyes on the back of my head but kept going.
“Lily!” Salinger called out again, but I didn’t respond.
Instead, I passed through the doorway and straight for the tournament hall. When I reached it, the official stared at me, confused.
“Are you… competing?” he asked.
“Yes. Lily Hahn.”
He stuttered out an okay and flipped through his list. “Uh, uh, table twelve, seat three.”
I nodded and found my spot.
I sat.
I waited.
And waited.
A boy, maybe sixteen or seventeen, sat across from me.
I stared at the tall, heavy-looking velvet curtains encasing the small stage the room possessed.
When all the seats were filled, they allowed spectators to fill in along the walls. Lyric came in and meandered her way through people until she reached Salinger’s table. I saw Bernard as well. He was stuck somewhere near Salinger as well, but he’d voiced his displeasure, I’d heard him, about how he wanted to stand on the stage. He kept asking why he couldn’t get on the stage.
They told him he couldn’t several times and he finally agreed to stay where he was.
“Young lady!” Bernard yelled into the room.
Everyone quieted, a few giggled. I looked over at Bernard. I noticed Salinger staring at me as well as Lyric.
“Good luck, my girl!”
I nodded and stared at my board.
The official made a big to-do emphasizing the importance of staying quiet that I thought was for Bernard’s benefit only then called the time.
“Good luck,” the boy told me.
“Same,” I was able to mutter back.
I defeated him. Easily. So easily he was speechless. I was the first to finish. When the official was done marking our results I shook the boy’s hand and started for the doors.
“Already?” Bernard practically shouted, calling for the official to shush him.
The whole room turned toward me as I left.
“Wherever you are going, young lady, be back within the hour,” he shouted after me.
Everyone s
tarted laughing, but I just raised two fingers, my index and middle, together in acknowledgment.
“Mr. Calvin, do you need to leave?” I heard an official ask him as I left, his tone pissed.
Bernard shook his head. Tao watched me, followed every step I made until I was out of view. So did Aurek.
So did Salinger.
I decided I’d go back to my room. My hair had dried, but my shirt was still soaked through and it made me cold, so I changed. I laid down and as I did so, I thought about my sisters. I decided to text Hollie.
Hi, Hollie, it’s Lily. I wanted to know if it would be okay to talk to the girls.
I immediately received a reply.
Of course! Let’s facetime. Are you free now?
Yes, I texted.
She called and our phones connected. I saw the girls’ faces and I nearly burst out crying. They crowded into the camera, jumping up and down, and waving at me. I could see Hollie in the background giggling at their excitement.
“Lily!” they both screamed, smiling. “Lily, we miss you!”
The tears I’d been fighting came anyway. “Aww, I miss you too, girls! I can’t wait to see you tomorrow evening for dinner.”
Callie left the screen, but I could hear her chant “I’m excited” over and over, which made me feel more human again.
“Where are you at?” Hollie asked. “It looks like a hotel?”
I nodded. “Yes, I’m at a chess tournament in Richmond, Virginia,” I explained.
Hollie looked surprised but happy. “Wow! Are you competing?”
“Yes, ma’am,” I said.
“Are you any good?” she asked me.
“I try,” I told her.
“Well, that’s awesome!”
“Thank you.”
“Lily,” Eloise began, “I lost a tooth!”
“What! Crazy! That’s so cool,” I told her.
“I know! And the tooth fairy gave me five dollars! Can you believe it!”
“Wheezy, that is so neat. What are you gonna do with it?”
She looked up in thought then back at me. “I don’t know yet, Lily, I have so many ideas.”
I choked back tears. “Well, you let me know as soon as you’ve decided.”
“I will!” she promised.
Callie came back, but I could only see part of her face at the corner of my screen.
“I wanna lose a tooth, too, Lily. I check every day for a loose one.”
“Hang in there, ladybug, it’ll happen.”
“Just don’t force it,” Hollie contributed, laughing.
“Yeah,” I agreed with her. “Where’s Matt?” I asked them.
“Dad went golfing,” Callie explained.
My heart slowed to a complete stop before picking up at a feverish pace. She said dad.
“Th-that’s cool,” I stuttered.
I saw Eloise step down from a stool or chair. “We gotta go,” she said. “Cal and I were playing Barbies, Lily. “
“Oh, yes, I get it, baby. Go play. I love you both so much.”
“I love you,” Eloise told me and ran off.
“I love you!” Callie called out and presumably ran with Eloise.
“Sorry it was so short,” Hollie added.
“No, I get it. I love they’re so happy. I-I wouldn’t have it any other way,” I barely got out. I meant it. I actually meant it, but it was hard to say, all the same. “Thank you so much for letting me talk to them.”
She smiled. “Call me any time, Lily. Any time.”
I smiled back. “See you tomorrow then.”
“See you then.”
I hung up.
“I wish I knew what I was doing,” I told no one.
I went downstairs twenty minutes before my second round. I decided against the skittles room. Instead, I waited by the tournament room doors. When a group of officials opened the door, I had to step aside for a few of them to pass. They headed straight for the Player’s Room, so I approached the official by the door.
“Can I come in?” I asked him quietly.
“Sure,” he said. “Name?”
“Lily Hahn.”
“Table seven, seat two.”
“Thank you.”
I went in and sat down. The room was empty but for me, of course, and it felt so weird. I looked across the tabletops at all the beautiful boards, at all their beautiful pieces. The beautiful queen that sat before each one us. We were all desperate for her. She was our endgame. To capture her, we were forced to navigate around the unexpected, around strategy, around tactics. In the end, though, it was how well you anticipated, wasn’t it? It was about your ability to play defensively as well as offensively.
That’s your problem in life, isn’t it, Lily? I played defensively. Always defensively.
I coped with my own laziness by convincing myself one day I would make something of myself, just not right then. I coped with not figuring out my dreams by telling myself I wasn’t worthy of them anyway. I coped with my mom’s desperation by ignoring her. I coped with a diminished life because I wasn’t alone in it. I coped with Sterling’s abuse by smoking weed.
I’d coped with life by avoiding it.
I can’t do that anymore.
People started trickling in and I felt more than saw Bernard standing beside me. I looked up at him.
“I have been calling your room,” he said. “I was worried.”
I looked up at him, his eyes frantically searching my own. “I’m sorry, Bernard. I’m,” I took a deep breath, “I miss my ,mom very badly today and I’m having some trouble.”
His face softened. “I’m very sorry, L-Lily,” he said, finally using my name.
“It will be okay,” I told him. “I will figure it all out.”
“I’m not very good at talking,” he told me, wringing his hands and looking away from me, “I-I-I have difficulties understanding and processing emotion, but I’m not blind to them. I am very human and seeing other people suffer makes me feel strange inside. I hate it.”
“Don’t worry about me, Bernard.”
“It’s too late, young lady.”
I tried to smile at him. “Bottle up your worry, Bernard, and I will tell you when to release it again.”
He looked at the tops of his shoes then into my face. “I believe I can do that if you can promise to keeping moving forward.”
“I promise,” I whispered.
“We’ve struck a deal then,” he said. “You are not allowed to renege.”
“I promise,” I assured him again.
“Win this game then.”
“I will.”
I won.
I won the third round as well.
And the fourth.
I noted that Peter Aurek lost that round.
I won my game in the fifth as well, guaranteeing a place in the final round.
Salinger lost to Tao. Guaranteeing myself at least twelve thousand dollars to fix the rest of my roof and flooring as long as I sat at the board to play. Salinger had won eight thousand and that made me feel happy for him.
Despite what might come to be, I felt a small weight lift from my shoulders.
It was Tao Zhang versus Lily Hahn in the finals, just as he desired.
I laid down in the lobby on a large leather couch waiting for the final round.
Boys kept passing by me, whispering, but I kept my eyes closed. I felt someone sit near my feet so I peeled one eyelid open to see it was Tao. I began to sit up, but he pushed my shoulder back down. He gathered my feet in his hands, sat, and laid them on top of his lap, resting his arms on the back of the sofa.
“Just you and me, Lily,” he said.
“As I see,” I told him and closed my eyes again.
“Just what I wanted.”
“I remember. You told me.”
“I’m going to win,” he promised.
“Probably,” I told him.
He laughed.
“Why don’t you ever fight back?” he asked me.
>
“Because my hands are busy with another war at the moment.”
He was quiet for a moment. “What could you possibly be fighting?” he asked me.
I lazily opened my eyes and stared at him. “We’re all fighting something,” I sidestepped.
“What?” he teased with a smile. “Boy won’t pay attention to you?” he poked. “Hair turned out the wrong color purple? Lip kit sold out?”
I watched him but didn’t say anything.
His smile faded. “You got a broken heart or something?” he correctly guessed, but I was certain he was wrong about its cause.
“Something like that,” I told him.
“Easy fix,” he told me.
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes, it is. Just go up to Salinger and tell him how you feel.”
I shook my head.
“Tao, Salinger Park is not the root of my heartbreak. He’s a contributor to its agony, but that is all.”
“What is the root then?” he asked.
“I’d rather not say.”
“Is it bad?” he asked.
Two tears slipped past and ran down the sides of my face.
“I did something terrible and I won’t ever be able to amend for it.”
Tao’s brows furrowed in confusion, but he didn’t press me for answers.
“Let me let you in on a secret,” he told me. “Pasts cannot be fixed. Ever. They are permanent, but you get to choose how they alter the future. Take whatever is affecting you, Lily, and make something with it. Make something you can be proud of.”
He stood up, swinging my feet to the floor as he did, and pulled me up with him.
“Let’s go play a game,” he said. I nodded, still absorbing what he’d said to me. “If you lose because of this crazy state of mind, I’ll never forgive you.”
I laughed, wiping my face with my hands.
“If I lose,” I told him, “it will not be because of that.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
We approached the tournament hall doors and walked in side by side. The place was packed and everyone went crazy loud cheering and clapping, whistling and calling out our names. We sat down at the board. He offered his fist and I bumped it with mine.