But I never made it. The loudest sound I’d ever heard in my life blasted through my chest and ears before I was thrown forward, sharp slices slit across my skin, a shower of glass tinkled all around me. I landed on my stomach, the breath knocked out of me. A second, roaring blast rumbled through my house, and I flinched where I laid.
I groaned and slid onto my back, a silent scream of pain when my skin met the glass there. I gasped in air, but it wouldn’t come. I felt myself losing consciousness there on the kitchen tile.
It’s funny the things you think about when you think you’re dying. First instinct is to save yourself, your body naturally fights to stay alive, but when your heart catches up with the fact that your body is failing you, you turn to reflection. My first thought was Salinger Park. Not Mama. Not my sisters. Not Ansen. Not Katie. I thought of Salinger and how I wish he could have known I loved him.
How I wish I would have properly thanked him for showing me a better way. The crumpled wallpaper, the thin walls, the shallow ceilings, the confined, empty rooms. The hurt, the hatred, the rage, the resentment, the heartsick. The guilt. He’d erased it all. He fixed it all.
When Mom died, I felt like I had nothing to lose and when you’ve got nothing left to lose, you tended to get reckless. I had been reckless personified and since I’d made my bed, I’d chosen to lay in it, sinking deeper and deeper into sheets of nothing; the fabric of apathy enveloped me over and over.
And I’d done nothing for a long time.
He’d discovered me, grabbed me, and held me against him, shook the petrified flint from my bones. He was the first shift I’d chosen to make. My hands had wrapped around his waist, no longer idle.
I regretted not telling him.
I love you, Salinger Park.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Salinger
Tao looked at me briefly, shifted, and put his hands in his pockets. He looked back at Lily, her back to me. “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask you about that. Are you and Salinger, like, a thing or something?” He knew I was standing right behind him. He knew exactly what he was doing.
She shook her head. “No, we’re just friends.”
“Lily?” I called out to her.
I felt my stomach grow tight. I am nothing to her.
“Just checking on you,” I said. “You coming?”
“Uh, yeah.” She turned toward Tao. “If you’ll excuse me, we’re gonna sit with Bernard in the bar upstairs.”
“Oh, really? You don’t mind if I join you, right?” Tao asked.
She looked at me. I opened my mouth to tell him to go bother someone else, but Lily answered for me instead.
“Uh, sure,” she told him.
All three of us climbed the stairs to the main lobby and crossed the marble floor to the small bar there. Bernard sat at a table, sipping a drink.
“You were gone forever!” he said to me.
“I was only gone two minutes, Bernard. Stop being dramatic.”
Bernard leaned forward when Lily sat. He glanced at Tao but didn’t greet him.
“Young lady,” he said to Lily.
“Yes?” Lily answered.
“Do you know who this man is?” he asked her, referring to Tao.
She coughed over a laugh. “Um, yes, I do.”
“This is the boy you will play in the final round.”
She turned to Tao. “I didn’t know you were playing this tournament.”
“When I found out you would be here and since you were explicit when you said you wouldn’t be going to Nationals, I just knew I had to come see you for myself,” Tao told her.
“Pish, posh!” Bernard interrupted. “She will be at Nationals. Why would you assume she wouldn’t be at Nationals?”
“Because she told me so herself,” Tao answered him.
Bernard stared at Lily. He thought she was crazy, I could tell. I didn’t necessarily disagree with him.
“You are going to Nationals. Period,” Bernard answered.
She turned to him. “Bernard, you don’t know if I will even make it to the final round.”
Tao and I stared at her. Everyone there at that table knew she would make it. Everyone knew but her.
Bernard rapped his knuckle on the table. “Absolute horse hockey. You are the best player here.”
Tao grinned at her, sending me into a jealous internal rage.
“Well,” she argued, “Tao’s rating is so much higher than mine, Bernard. He’s the better player.”
“Wrong,” he said. I saw her face and throat flame. “You are the best player here, probably the best player nationally, and even more likely to be the best player in the world.”
“Bernard!” she said. “You’re overestimating me!”
“That is an untruth. I have perfectly estimated you.”
Tao watched her closely, very closely. He sat back in his chair, his head cocked to one side, tongued one of his eyeteeth, and smiled at her. I wanted to hit him so bad.
“Excuse me, young man!” Bernard called out to the bartender. He stood and approached the bar, unaware of the tension at the table.
I stared at Tao. He was flirting with her. I didn’t think she realized, and that made it all the more frustrating. The very idea of another person in her life beside me made me crazy inside. Imagining it as Tao nearly knocked me over, because he probably would have been good to her, they were closer in talent regarding the game. He obviously liked her and that seethed inside me.
“He’s overestimating me,” she said quietly, staring at her small hands on the table.
“I guess we’ll find out,” Tao said, standing up. She looked up at him, her big round green eyes staring straight into his and he leaned over her. Too close. He’s too close to her. His hand rested on the table next hers. “Don’t you dare lose in the first few rounds,” he flirted with her. He stood upright again, stuck his hands in his pockets, and walked back through the lobby.
She watched him, actually watched him, walk to the stairs, then turned back to me. She’s never going to be in to me. I gritted my jaw, pissed at myself for letting myself fall in love with her. She was emotionally tied. She was suffering and she needed a friend. It was my duty not to let those lines cross. I shouldn’t have let myself fall so easily.
And it was easy.
Too easy. So easy.
She was sweet and quiet but unbelievably strong, though she didn’t know that about herself. She was kind and gentle and wished the best for everyone. She was too hard on herself. She felt as if she was culpable for everything that had happened to her mom and stepdad. She wasn’t, and I knew I was willing to spend every second of my life making sure she understood that.
She was targeted, and often because she was too tolerant and beautiful. Sterling had targeted her. She’d never admitted it to me, but I could tell he was gearing up to something worse than physical abuse. The very thought sent me reeling in anger. And then there was that asshole Trace, that disgusting piece of shit who drugged her and assaulted her. Then a thought struck me.
Wait, am I targeting her? I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted her. I wanted to help her, but my intentions had turned to love. I’d promised her I had integrity. But you don’t, do you? Because you would sell everything you own to kiss her, wouldn’t you?
“What’s wrong?” she asked me.
I looked down at the table, unable to face her, too ashamed of myself. “Nothing,” I lied. “I’ll be right back,” I said, standing up. I practically sprinted out of there.
“Wait! Salinger!” she called after me, but I ignored her.
I wanted to run back to her, but I didn’t. Instead, I headed for the skittles room so I could think. Inside, I ran into Peter Aurek. He looked slightly embarrassed when he saw me.
“Aurek,” I greeted him coldly.
“Hey, dude,” he said, his hand going to the back of his neck.
“Heard about what you said to Lily in Austin last week.”
He had the decency to turn brigh
t red. “Yeah, about that.”
“That’s pretty shitty of you.”
“Yeah,” he agreed, “I know. In fact, I’m looking for Lily. I wanted to apologize to her.”
“I saw her in the bar upstairs with Bernard Calvin last.”
“Thanks, I’ll go up there later and tell her I was being a dick.”
“Good.”
He studied me. “You look like you’ve been rode hard and put away wet.”
I ran my hands through my hair. “Yeah, I’m fucked in the head.”
Peter laughed. “You just described every motherfucker in here.”
I nodded in agreement.
“I think I lo—” I cleared my throat, “love Lily Hahn.” I’d stuttered over the word like a fool. I didn’t know why I was confiding in the jackass.
He laughed. “Never fall in love with the queen, Salinger, or you won’t be able to tumble her.” I sighed. “Besides, been there, done that,” he added.
“Who?” I asked.
“You know, Lyric?” he asked me.
I choked on nothing. “Yeah, uh, she’s cool. A little bit psycho, but if she could settle down, she’d be a lot cooler.”
“Yeah,” he agreed.
I gotta get control of myself before I talk to her again.
Eventually a couple of other people joined us, including Lyric and Tao. More time passed and I noticed Lily before anyone else did. Oh my God, she was beautiful. She was foreign to that room, otherworldly. She didn’t belong. Everyone knew it; everyone saw it. She was better than all of us, and I wanted her.
I noticed the moment she saw me, and my heart began to beat a crazy rhythm.
Don’t look at her. Don’t look at her. Whatever you do, do not look at her. All your careful planning will be for nothing if you look at her.
“Is it me or is Tao kind of a douche?” Lyric said under her breath.
I laughed mostly as a distraction from Lily.
Then she did something odd, made like she was going to leave. Tao noticed her.
“Lily! Where are you going!” he yelled.
She walked over to us and I felt my skin heat up.
“Guys,” Tao introduced, “this is Lily. She’s the one who beat Aurek last week in Austin.”
Everyone started teasing Peter. He waved at her, obviously still embarrassed.
I mostly ignored the conversation until some random asked Lyric if she thought it was nice to have another girl around. I knew Lyric hadn’t made the ratings minimum, so I tried to help her dodge that line of questioning.
“Yeah,” Lyric answered him.
“Lyric, I didn’t see your name on the roster,” Peter commented.
Yikes, Peter, read the room.
Lyric looked mortified. “Yeah, I, uh, didn’t make the ratings minimum.”
“Damn,” Tao said, coughing around a laugh.
I felt sorry for her. I didn’t want to have to come to her rescue, but I didn’t think anyone else would.
“She’ll get them back up,” I said. “Won’t you?” I pushed my shoulder into hers, hoping to convey something friendly.
“What about you, Lily?” Tao asked her.
She looked at him. “What?”
He laughed at her, incensing me. “Where have you been?
“Just thinking,” she explained.
“You’re kind of weird.”
I balled up a fist, ready to sock Tao right in the eye.
“Isn’t everybody?” Peter Aurek said, though, coming to her rescue. I felt like that had been my job. I felt like a failure.
She smiled at him. Smiled. I felt like my heart shattered.
She looked at me.
“Can I talk to you for a second, Salinger?” she asked.
My skin grew heavy. “Later,” I told the floor, hoping she would drop it. I needed time to decide how I was going to handle my feelings for her.
Lily left the group soon after that. I watched her leave, wishing I could chase after her. Soon after that, I got a text from her, stating Bernard had gotten us each a room. I went to the front desk to get the key she’d left and thought about just saying screw it and going up to her room to talk.
When I headed for the elevators, Lyric happened to be approaching at the same time.
“Going up?” she asked.
“Yeah, what floor?” I asked her.
“Five,” she answered.
“Same,” I said.
“Cool. What room?”
I looked at the key they’d given me. “Five-thirty-two.”
“I’m down the hall, the other end.”
“Cool,” I said.
Whenever we reached our floor, we heard loud partying near my room.
“Just my freaking luck.” I sighed.
“Listen, if you want, we can switch rooms. I’m not competing or anything, so rest isn’t at the top of my list or whatever.”
I studied her. “Are you sure?”
“Yes, Salinger. Get your stuff, we’ll switch.”
I did as she said and met her at her room. We switched keys and I went to bed, my every thought consumed by Lily.
***
I missed my damn flight. Taxi driver got into a small accident with someone else and we were forced to stop.
***
When I finally got home, I had to work that night, which sucked. It helped I’d made eight grand at tournament, though. When I got in, Casey told me Lily had taken off the following week. Maybe she’s trying to get the house done, I thought. I dug my phone out of my back pocket. My finger hovered over her number.
I sighed. I’d made things awkward. I waited too long to contact her and was confused on what to say.
Just say anything. Apologize for being weird. Congratulate her on her win, you douche. I opened a text window, then closed it, opened it, then closed it one more time.
I’ll wait until she comes back, figure out what I’m gonna say to her.
***
The following Saturday night, I was missing Lily like crazy. I wondered how she was doing, wanted so bad to talk to her. I’d picked up my phone at least a thousand times to call or text but couldn’t do it. I was in love with her. I’d struggled with it. I didn’t want her think to my intentions weren’t good, but I loved her. So much. My phone indicated a text.
Salinger, Lily texted. My heart in my throat.
Without thinking, I threw my gloves to our friend Pablo.
“Gotta go,” I told him. “Something’s come up. Clock me out, will ya?”
“Yeah, no prob,” he said.
I hauled ass to the lot and sprinted to my Jeep, hopping inside and starting her engine. I passed by Chuck’s, where we’d eaten our first meal together. I passed by Court’s street, where we’d sat and talked on her front porch steps. I passed by Ashleigh’s, where I’d first met her.
I don’t know what happened at the tournament. She texted again, my throat going dry as I read her message. Just confused. I tried to talk to but you blew me off. If I’ve done something, please know it wasn’t intentional and I’m sorry. I miss you. I have so much I want to talk to you about. So much. There’s things that need to be said but would be better in person, you know? Anyway, please consider meeting up with me later.
I wanted so badly to text her back but thought better of it while driving. Just another minute or two, I promised myself. I threw my phone on my seat and confess I sped a little to get to her as fast as I could.
As I approached the light right before her street, my stomach filled with anticipation. My knuckles gripped the steering wheel until they turned white. The light had turned red and I impatiently had to sit there. I briefly contemplated abandoning my car where it was just to run to her. I was a moron.
My blinker clicked in the dead silence of my car. The only other sound was my shaky breath.
“Come on, come on, come on,” I whispered.
That’s when I heard it. The most powerful, thundering boom. I thought lightning had struck until I’d heard
a second explosion, a second ear-piercing rumble. My whole body tucked into itself in instinct. When I sat up again, I saw orange flames licking up into the sky.
“What the actual fuck?” I asked no one.
I ran the red light and raced through Lily’s run-down neighborhood, passing Trace’s house, which was blazing. Without a second thought, I whipped around his block and hung a left on to Lily’s street, stopping at her house. It was pitch black, as were all the houses next to Lily’s, realizing whatever explosion had happened had also tripped the electricity.
I pulled my Jeep into the gravel drive and slammed it into park, tossing my body out of my seat as quickly as I could, rushing up the deck to Lily’s door. I tried the knob, but it was locked.
I started banging my hand on the door. “Lily! Lily! Can you hear me?”
I looked at the front windows of her house. Every single one of them was blasted out. Oh my God. I jumped the deck fencing and scaled the front living room window, using a nearby rock to break off any glass still attached to the frame. I jumped in and scaled around the furniture. I hit my knee on something I wasn’t familiar with.
“Lily!” I yelled into the dark but didn’t hear a response.
My heart beat so hard in my veins I could hear it.
“Lily!”
I took out my phone and scrolled up, looking for the flashlight and turned it on. I held it out in front of me and started wading through the glass, my boots crunching with every step I took.
“Lily, are you here?” I called out.
When I raised the light slightly I caught a glimpse of a still form on her kitchen floor.
“Jesus! Lily!” I shouted and ran to her, kneeling down beside her.
There was blood everywhere. I used my phone to try to find the root cause, but it seemed to be everywhere on her. “Oh, Jesus, Lily.” I checked she was breathing and found she was, beyond relieved. I scrolled to my phone and dialed 911.
“911, what’s your emergency?” an operator answered.
“Yes, my friend is badly injured. There was some sort of explosion at the house next door. It’s blown out her windows and cut her.”