I didn’t cry when I heard she
was dead.” I’d like to cry now.
Don’t know how.
Tony
I’ve rd Confession
Is good for the soul.
Not sure that’s so,
but what the hell?
It might not make me
feel better, but it should
make Vanessa and Conner
feel better about their
own guilt trips. “I killed
someone too. But I didn’t
love him. I hated him
with a passion. You were
twelve when you lost
your virginity? I was eight,
and I lost it to Larry. I
already told you that,
and I told you I hurt him
pretty bad. Truth is, I
killed his sorry ass.
He kept a gun in a lockbox
inside his car. Dumb
shit never bothered to
lock the lockbox. I knew
that because a couple
of times, he pulled out
the gun to threaten my
ma. One day, after a
particularly bad night
with Larry, I walked
out to his car, found
the gun under the seat.
Ma had fixed him
pancakes for breakfast.
I walked into the kitchen,
took dead aim at his
Aunt Jemima mouth,
and pulled the trigger.”
The Whole Rotten Truth
Right out in the open.
And only now it occurs
to me that it might mean
Vanessa turning her
back on me. I hold her
even tighter, look into
her eyes, hoping to find
compassion. “Please tell
me you don’t hate me.”
Oh, Tony, she says, I could
never hate you. I understand
why you did what you did.
Okay, everyone, break it
up, calls Sean. We’ve got
another big day tomorrow.
I wish I could sit here all
night, holding Vanessa,
kissing her. More.
But she pulls away. Guess
that’s my cue. No worries,
Tony. I still love you.
“Love you, too.” I watch
her slow retreat, filled
to the brim with loving her.
Conner taps my shoulder.
Hey, Tony. Guess what.
I don’t think you’re gay.
It’s an amazing concept,
and so new. “You know,
you just might be right.”
We both crawl into our
sleeping bags, and into
our own little worlds.
I bet Conner’s thinking
about Leona. But there’s
only one person on my mind.
Actually, There Are Two
As everyone else falls
into Snorezone, I’m
still thinking about
Vanessa and what she
means to me. As I do,
Phillip creeps into
my thoughts. “You’d
like her,” I tell him,
very, very quietly,
so no one hears me
talking to the dead.
“She’s incredible, not
that she’s perfect. But you
once said imperfections
create character. She’s got
character, all right. And,
as you know, I lean way
toward imperfection myself.
I was really confused
about this for a while.
Genetics versus learned
(or forced) behavior
and all. But it sure feels
real. Sure feels right.
I’ve never felt so right
before. Never felt so
in love before. In fact,
except for you, Phillip,
I can’t remember ever
feeling love for anyone.”
Now an old memory
of Phillip floats into
foggy view. Tony, I’ve
never known anyone
as deserving of love
as you. When it finds you,
don’t question it.
Vanessa
I’m Lying Here Shivering
But not because of the weather.
I’m shivering in a frigid indigo
sea. Lithium won’t help
this slice of depression.
Thinking about the baby
always drops me here.
It would be a real baby now,
a perfect piece of defective me.
Still, all that was completely
my own fault. I think of Conner,
whose nanny decided to make
him a man. Who knows
what sort of damage
she did to his psyche.
And then there’s Tony,
who spent his childhood
locked up because of some
pervert. He should be
a terrible person. Instead,
he’s the sweetest, least
selfish guy I’ve ever known.
How can that be?
And how can it be he’s so
in love with me? To grow
up without love, and still
have so much inside?
Just think who he might
have been, had everything
been different for him.
Of course, then I wouldn’t
know him now. Love him now.
As everything falls very quiet,
something silent calls to me.
Will the damnable steel
never leave me alone,
never quit whispering
sweet nothings to me?
I Wake, Thankful
I didn’t give in to
temptation, hunt for a knife
in the dark of camp, even
though I wanted to so badly.
Will I ever completely
lose the urge to mutilate myself?
Everyone up and at ’em, urges
Raven. Are we gonna have
fun today! Today, we learn
to climb. You all up for that?
A chorus of halfhearted
“sures” and “okays” answers
her. But personally, I’m ready.
“Come on, you guys. Rock
climbing is awesome.”
Like I have a clue.
Not just climbing, but
spelunking, too. There’s an
outrageous cave not far
from here. But first, you
have to master the fine art
called rappelling.
Like all art, it takes a certain touch
to do it well. And before
we’re through, you will
all do it well. Won’t you?
This time she mostly
gets groans for answers.
Only Tony seems almost
as enthusiastic as I am.
He stands, salutes her.
Yes, ma’am, we will all
do it well. He grins in my
direction. You really want
to do this, don’t you?
I nod. “Don’t ask me why.
Maybe a little of my dad
has rubbed off on me, after all.”
Raven Quides Us
To the base of a semishort
rock outcropping. First
we go up, then we rappel
down, I assume.
First you go up, then
you rappel down. But
the very first thing you
need to learn is how
to belay your climbing
partner. This simple
; technique can save a life.
Everyone buddy up.
For the next two hours,
we learn how about ropes,
carabiners, and ATCs; crotch
loops, leg loops, and slider
buckles. Most important,
we learn about the guide hand,
the brake hand, and how
the two interact. Finally
Raven asks for volunteers.
My (guide) hand shoots up.
Dahlia has little choice but
to go along. You bitch.
If I die, I’m coming back
to get you, too. Don’t think
I won’t be up for it. I’m
half-thinking about it now.
“Fine. You want to be
leader or stay down here?”
She chooses the latter,
and I start to climb, looking
for hand and footholds. It’s
not so difficult, and I feel
relatively safe in my harness,
with Dahlia hopefully keeping
the line slack-free and controlled.
“This is easy,” I call. And it is.
So far.
Conner
We Spend All Day
Feeding rope to our buddies,
then taking our own turns,
scraping and scrapping up rocks.
Right now, winded and aching,
I’m taking a breather, high
above the blossoming playa.
I swear I can take in a thousand
square miles of view. Too bad
it just looks like a sea of nothing.
I should feel accomplishment.
But all I feel is numb. Numb
and weary, to a surreal degree.
Hey, Conner, calls Tony.
Ready? It’s our turn to rappel.
“Coming.” Ready or not, I
stand and make myself steady
my trembling legs. I can’t
believe how weak I am.
Hey, man, observes my buddy.
You look like you’re gonna heave.
I feel like it too, but I can’t
admit it. “No worries. I’m fine.”
You sure? You don’t want to be
dangling midair, feeling like shit.
Anger flashes like lightning.
“I said I’m fucking fine.”
Tony stays cool. Okay, man.
It’s all yours. Go ahead.
I climb into the harness, fix my
ropes just how Raven showed us.
Then I lower myself over the edge,
thrust myself toward the ground.
It’s a Shaky Ride
But I manage it without
pulting. One by one, the others
follow, whooping like they’re
actually having fun. Jerks.
Vanessa comes up to me,
grinning, softly kisses my
cheek. Wasn’t that amazing?
My head’s kind of spinning,
but the rest of me feels great.
She lays one gentle hand on
my shoulder, and I notice how
sunlight plays, gold, on her skin.
Suddenly I want her to
pull me in, hold me close,
absorb me like oxygen.
Suddenly I feel lost. Alone.
What’s wrong with me? This girl
is an angel, and I had every
chance to love her. Why must I
rebel against the idea of love?
Now here comes Tony, so in
love with her it’s all over
his face. He gives me an easy
shove. Putting the moves on my girl?
A green wave of envy washes
over me. Ludicrous! I might
want her, but he deserves her.
“Save it, Ceccarelli. I tried
to steal her from you, but
the best she’d do was give me
a rain check. I strongly
suggest you take good care of her.”
Sean interrupts our banter.
Great job, everyone. Now we’d
better get moving. Surprises
await you all at camp.
The First Surprise
Is the two-mile walk to reach
our new campsite. We hike
up a narrow canyon, between
two hulking granite walls.
The grade is relatively
steep and I was tired before
we began. No matter how hard
I try, I just can’t keep up.
Tony falls back and walks
beside me. Long day, huh?
His presence persuades
me to lengthen my stride.
“Pretty damn long, all right.
I think I need a vacation.”
He grins. This is your vacation.
What I need is a shower. I stink.
He does. We all do. “Water and
soap? What a civilized concept.”
Me? Civilized? He sniffs his armpits.
Nope. Not even close.
Finally Sean signals us to stop
and make camp. We repeat our
well-practiced routine, then
I tramp out in the brush to piss.
I return to surprise number
two—candy bars, nuts, and beef
jerky, to supplement our roast
turkey, stuffing, and gravy goo.
After dinner, Raven offers
yet a third surprise. Letters
from home. She passes them out
like treasure, in the absurd belief
that everyone wants theirs.
Tony
The First Letter
I’ve ever gotten (except
for a couple from the state
of Nevada) is from my pa.
He never even wrote me
when I was in lockup.
What can he have to say now?
The others withdraw into
neutral corners. But I need
moral support. I go over
to Vanessa. “May I sit
next to you? I promise not
to read over your shoulder.”
She pats the ground beside
her. Of course you can sit
here. I don’t really want
to be alone right now either.
Besides … she puffs into
the cold air. You’re warm.
Somehow she doesn’t
notice the smell of
today’s exertions.
Maybe she’s olfactory
challenged. Or maybe
she just doesn’t care.
And somehow, her own
earthy scent turns me
on. I move my leg so it
touches hers, ankle to
thigh. Her body heat
turns me on even more.
Completely turned on,
by a girl. The strangest
thing about feeling this
way is thinking I’ve
never really been turned
on before—by anyone.
It’s So New
My body telling me
it really, truly wants
sex. It’s so new, knowing
initiating sex can and
will be up to me. I will
never be forced to again.
It’s so new, this woman
thing, yet it doesn’t feel
foreign. It feels like where
I’ve always belonged.
It’s so new, equating sex
with emotion. With love.
Again, I think of Phillip,
the only person I’ve ever
felt anything like love for.
And I’m sure he’s smiling.
About Vanessa. About
my being able to love her.
About the letter in my
hand. More than once,
he encouraged me to try
and contact my pa, but
I always refused. Stubborn
as tar, Phillip called me.
Are you going to open
that or what? Vanessa
says, rattling the envelope
in her own hand. I’ll open
mine if you open yours,
okay? Ready? One, two …
As we slit the seals, I
wonder why she has
hesitated this long.
What secrets of her own
is she still hiding? Will
she ever share them with me?
I Start to Read
Vanessa
I Thought My Letter
Would be from Grandma.
It’s not:
Tony Sighs
Echoing my own feelings.
He reaches for my hand,
and I gratefully slide mine
into the warmth of his.
“You okay?”
Yeah, I think so. It’s just.
kind of confusing.
“What is?”
He lifts my hand to his full,
soft lips. Everything.
Three months ago
I didn a have a father.
Didn’t have you.
Didn’t even have a clear
idea of me. All that has
changed, and I’m scared.
“Why, Tony?”
Because before I had
nothing to lose. Now
I’ve got everything to lose
if I somehow fuck this up.
“Life is all about change.
If it were static, think
about how boring it would
be. You can’t be afraid
of it, and you can’t worry