CHAPTER VIII.
ARRANGEMENTS FOR A DUEL.
"Where are you going, Jimmieboy?" asked the sprite, after they hadwalked along in silence for a few minutes.
"I haven't the slightest idea," said Jimmieboy, with a short laugh. "Istarted out to provision the forces before pursuing the Parawelopipedon,but I seem to have fallen out with everybody who could show me where togo, and I am all at sea."
"Well, you haven't fallen out with me," said the sprite. "In fact,you've fallen in with me, so that you are on dry land again. I'll showyou where to go, if you want me to."
"Then you know where I can find the candied cherries and other thingsthat soldiers eat?" asked Jimmieboy.
"No, I don't know where you can find anything of the sort," returned thesprite. "But I do know that all things come to him who waits, so I'dadvise you to wait until the candied cherries and so forth come to you."
"But what'll I do while I am waiting?" asked Jimmieboy, who had no wishto be idle in this new and strange country.
"Follow me, of course," said the sprite, "and I'll show you the mostwonderful things you ever saw. I'll take you up to see oldFortyforefoot, the biggest giant in all the world; after that we'll stopin at Alltart's bakery and have lunch. It's a great bakery, Alltart'sis. You just wish for any kind of cake in the world, and you have it inyour mouth."
"Let's go there first, I'm afraid of giants," said Jimmieboy. "They eatlittle boys like me."
"Well, I don't blame them for that," said the sprite. "A little boy assweet as you are is almost too good not to eat; but I'll take care ofyou. Fortyforefoot I haven't a doubt would like to eat both of us, but Ihave a way of getting the best of fellows of that sort, so if you'llcome along you needn't have the slightest fear for your safety."
"All right," said Jimmieboy, after thinking it all over. "Go ahead. I'llfollow you."
At this moment the galloping step of a horse was heard approaching, andin a minute Major Blueface rode up.
"Why, how do you do, general?" he cried, his face beaming with pleasureas he reined in his steed and dismounted. "I haven't seen youin--my!--why, not in years, sir. How have you been?"
"Quite well," said Jimmieboy, with a smile, for the major amused himvery much. "It doesn't seem more than five minutes since I saw youlast," he added, with a sly wink at the sprite.
"Oh, it must be longer than that," said the major, gravely. "It must beat least ten, but they have seemed years to me--a seeming, sir, that iswell summed up in that lovely poem a friend of mine wrote some time ago:
"'When I have quarreled with a dear Old friend, a minute seems a year; And you'll remember without doubt That when we parted we fell out.'"
"Very pretty," said the sprite. "Very pretty, indeed. Reminds me of thepoems of Major Blueface. You've heard of him, I suppose?"
"Yes," said the major, frowning at the sprite, whom he had never metbefore. "I have heard of Major Blueface, and not only have I heard ofhim, but I am also one of his warmest friends and admirers."
"Really?" said the sprite, not noticing apparently that Jimmieboy wasnearly exploding with mirth. "How charming! What sort of a person is themajor, sir?"
"Superb!" returned the major, his chest swelling with pride. "Brave as alobster, witty as a porcupine, and handsome as a full-blown rose. Inshort, he is a wonder. Many a time have I been with him on the field ofbattle, where a man most truly shows what he is, and there it was, sir,that I learned to love and admire Major Blueface. Why, once I saw thatman hit square in the back by the full charge of a brass cannon loadedto the muzzle with dried pease. The force of the blow wastremendous--forcible enough, sir, in fact, to knock the major off hisfeet, but he never quailed. He rose with dignity, and walked back towhere the enemy was standing, and dared him to do it again, and when theenemy did it again, the major did not forget, as some soldiers wouldhave done under the circumstances, that he was a gentleman, but he roseup a second time and thanked the enemy for his courtesy, which so wonthe enemy's heart that he surrendered at once."
"What a hero!" said the sprite.
"Hero is no name for it, sir. He is a whole history full of heroes. Onanother occasion which I recall," cried the major, with enthusiasm, "onanother occasion he was pursued by a lion around a circular path--he isa magnificent runner, the major is--and he ran so much faster than thelion that he soon caught up with his pursuer from the rear, and with oneblow of his sword severed the raging beast's tail from his body. Then hesat down and waited until the lion got around to him again, his appetiteincreased so by the exercise he had taken that he would have eatenanything, and then what do you suppose that brave soldier did?"
"What?" asked Jimmieboy, who had stopped laughing to listen.
"He gave the hungry creature his own tail to eat, and then went home,"returned the major.
"Is that a true story?" asked the sprite.
"Do you think I would tell an untrue story?" asked the major, angrily.
"Not at all," said the sprite; "but if the major told it to you, it mayhave grown just a little bit every time you told it."
"No, sir. That could not be, for I am Major Blueface himself,"interrupted the major.
"Then you are a brave man," said the sprite, "and I am proud to meetyou."
"Thank you," said the major, his frown disappearing and his pleasantsmile returning. "I have heard that remark before; but it is alwayspleasant to hear. But what are you doing now, general?" he added,turning and addressing Jimmieboy.
"I am still searching for the provisions, major," returned Jimmieboy."The soldiers were so tired I hadn't the heart to command them to getthem for me, as you said, so I am as badly off as ever."
"I think you need a rest," said the major, gravely; "and while it isextremely important that the forces should be provided with all thecanned goods necessary to prolong their lives, the health of thecommanding officer is also a most precious consideration. Ascommander-in-chief why don't you grant yourself a ten years' vacation onfull pay, and at the end of that time return to the laborious work youhave undertaken, refreshed?"
"But what becomes of the war?" asked Jimmieboy. "If I go off, therewon't be any war."
"No, but what of it?" replied the major. "That'll spite the enemy justas much as it will our side; and maybe he'll get so tired waiting forus to begin that he'll lie down and die or else give himself up."
"Well, I don't know what to do," said Jimmieboy, very much perplexed."What would you do?" he continued, addressing the sprite.
"I'd hire some one else to take my place if I were you, and let him dothe fighting and provisioning until you are all ready," said the sprite.
"Yes, but whom can I hire?" asked the boy.
"The Giant Fortyforefoot," returned the sprite. "He'd be just the man.He's a great warrior in the first place and a great magician in thesecond. He can do the most wonderful tricks you ever saw in all yourlife. For instance,
"He'll take two ordinary balls, He'll toss 'em to the sky, And each when to the earth it falls Will be a satin tie.
He'll take a tricycle in hand, He'll give the thing a heave, He'll mutter some queer sentence, and 'Twill go right up his sleeve.
He'll ask you what your name may be, And if you answer 'Jim!' He'll turn a handspring--one, two, three! Your name will then be Tim.
He'll take a fifty-dollar bill, He'll tie it to a chain, He'll cry out 'Presto!' and you will Not see your bill again."
"I'd like to see him," said Jimmieboy. "But I can't say I want to beeaten up, you know, and I'd like to have you tell me before we go howyou are going to prevent his eating me."
"Very proper," said Major Blueface. "You suffer under the greatdisadvantage of being a very toothsome, tender morsel, and in allprobability Fortyforefoot would order you stewed in cream or made overinto a tart. My!" added the major, smacking his lips so suggestivelythat Jimmieboy drew away from him, slightly alarmed. "Why, it makes mymouth water to t
hink of a pudding made of you, with a touch of cinnamonand a dash of maple syrup, and a shake of sawdust and a hard sauce.Tlah!"
This last word of the major's was a sort of ecstatic cluck such as boysoften make after having tasted something they are particularly fond of.
"What's the use of scaring the boy, Blueface?" said the sprite, angrily,as he noted Jimmieboy's alarm. "I won't have anymore of that. You can beas brave and terrible as you please in the presence of your enemies, butin the presence of my friends you've got to behave yourself."
The major laughed heartily.
"Jimmieboy afraid of me?" he said. "Nonsense! Why, he could rout mewith a frown. His little finger could, unaided, put me to flight if itfelt so disposed. I was complimenting him--not trying to frighten him.
"When I went into ecstasies O'er pudding made of him, 'Twas just because I wished to please The honorable Jim; And now, in spite of your rebuff, The statement I repeat: I think he's really good enough For any one to eat."
"Well, that's different," said the sprite, accepting the major'sstatement. "I quite agree with you there; but when you go cluckingaround here like a hen who has just tasted the sweetest grain of cornshe ever had, or like a boy after eating a plate of ice-cream, you'rejust a bit terrifying--particularly to the appetizing morsel that hasgiven rise to those clucks. It's enough to make the stoutest heartquail."
"Nonsense!" retorted the major, with a wink at Jimmieboy. "Neither mymanner nor the manner of any other being could make a stout hart quail,because stout harts are deer and quails are birds!"
This more or less feeble joke served to put the three travelers in goodhumor again. Jimmieboy smiled over it; the sprite snickered, and themajor threw himself down on the grass in a perfect paroxysm of laughter.When he had finished he got up again and said:
"Well, what are we going to do about it? I propose we attackFortyforefoot unawares and tie his hands behind his back. Then Jimmieboywill be safe."
"You are a wonderfully wise person," retorted the sprite. "How on earthis Fortyforefoot to show his tricks if we tie his hands?"
"By means of his tricks," returned the major. "If he is any kind of amagician he'll get his hands free in less than a minute."
"Then why tie them at all?" asked the sprite. "I'm not good atconundrums," said the major. "Why?"
"I'm sure I don't know," returned the sprite, impatiently.
"Then why waste time asking riddles to which you don't know the answer?"roared the major. "You'll have me mad in a minute, and when I'm mad woebe unto him which I'm angry at."
"Don't quarrel," said Jimmieboy, stepping between his two friends, withwhom it seemed to be impossible to keep peace for any length of time."If you quarrel I shall leave you both and go back to my company."
"Very well," returned the major. "I accept the sprite's apology. But hemustn't do it again. Now as you have chosen to reject my plan ofattacking Fortyforefoot and tying his hands, suppose you suggestsomething better, Mr. Sprite."
"I think the safe thing would be for Jimmieboy to wear this invisiblecoat of mine when in the giant's presence. If Fortyforefoot can't seehim he is safe," said the sprite.
"I don't see any invisible coat anywhere," said the major. "Where isit?"
"Nobody can see it, of course," said the sprite, scornfully. "Do youknow what invisible means?"
"Yes, I do," retorted the major. "I only pretended I didn't so that Icould make you ask the question, which enables me to say that somethinginvisible is something you can't see, like your jokes."
"I can make a better joke than you can with my hands tied behind myback," snapped the sprite.
"I can't make jokes with your hands tied behind your back, but I canmake one with my own hands tied behind my back that Jimmieboy here cansee with his eyes shut," said the major, scornfully.
"What is it? I like jokes," said Jimmieboy.
"Why--er--let me see; why--er--when is a sunbeam sharp?" asked themajor, who did not expect to be taken up so quickly.
"I don't know; when?" asked Jimmieboy.
"When it's a ray, sir. See? Ray, sir--razor. Ha! ha! Pretty good, eh?"laughed the major.
"Bad as can be," said the sprite, his nose turned up until it interferedwith his eyesight. "Now hear mine, Jimmieboy. When is a joke not ajoke?"
"Haven't the slightest idea," observed Jimmieboy, after scratching hishead and trying to think for a minute or two.
"When it's one of the major's," roared the sprite, whereat the woodsrang with his laughter.
The major first turned pale and then grew red in the face.
"That settles it," he said, throwing off his coat. "That is a deadlyinsult, and there is now no possible way to avoid a duel."
"I am ready for you at any time," said the sprite, calmly. "Only as thechallenged party I have the choice of weapons, and inasmuch as this is ahot day, I choose the jawbone."
"Not a talking match, I hope?" said the major, with a gesture ofimpatience.
"Not at all," replied the sprite. "A story-telling contest. We willwithdraw to that moss-covered rock underneath the trees in there, gatherenough huckleberries and birch bark for our luncheon, and catch a messof trout from the brook to go with them, and then we can fight our duelall the rest of the afternoon."
"But how's that going to satisfy my wounded honor?" asked the major.
"I'll tell one story," said the sprite, "and you'll tell another, andwhen we are through, the one that Jimmieboy says has told the best storywill be the victor. That is better than trying to hurt each other, Ithink."
"I think so too," put in Jimmieboy. "I'm ready for it."
"Well, it isn't a bad scheme," agreed the major. "Particularly theluncheon part of it; so you may count on me. I've got a story that willlift your hair right off your head."
So Jimmieboy and his two strange friends retired into the wood, gatheredthe huckleberries and birch bark, caught, cooked, and ate the trout, andthen sat down together on the moss-covered rock to fight the duel. Thetwo fighters drew lots to find out which should tell the first story,and as the sprite was the winner, he began.
And the story he told was as follows.