And yet my lexicon develops without logic, in a darting, fleeting manner. The words appear, accompany me for a while, then, often without warning, abandon me.
The notebook contains all my enthusiasm for the language. All the effort. A space where I can wander, learn, forget, fail. Where I can hope.
THE DIARY
I arrive in Rome with my family a few days before the mid-August holiday. We aren’t familiar with this custom of leaving town en masse. The moment when nearly everyone is fleeing, when almost the entire city has come to a halt, we try to start a new chapter of our life.
We rent an apartment on Via Giulia. A very elegant street that is deserted in mid-August. The heat is fierce, unbearable. When we go out shopping, we look for the momentary relief of shade every few steps.
The second night, a Saturday, we come home and the door won’t open. Before, it opened without any problem. Now, no matter how I try, the key doesn’t turn in the lock.
There is no one in the building but us. We have no papers, are still without a functioning telephone, without any Roman friend or acquaintance. I ask for help at the hotel across the street from our building, but two hotel employees can’t open the door, either. Our landlords are on vacation in Calabria. My children, upset, hungry, are crying, saying that they want to go back to America immediately.
Finally a locksmith arrives and opens the door in a couple of minutes. We give him more than two hundred euros, without a receipt, for the job.
This trauma seems to me a trial by fire, a sort of baptism. But there are many other obstacles, small but annoying. We don’t know where to take the recycling, how to buy a subway and bus pass, where the bus stops are. Everything has to be learned from zero. When we ask for help from three Romans, each of the three gives a different answer. I feel unnerved, often crushed. In spite of my great enthusiasm for living in Rome, everything seems impossible, indecipherable, impenetrable.
A week after arriving, the Saturday after that unforgettable Saturday night, I open my diary to describe our misadventures. That Saturday, I do something strange, unexpected. I write my diary in Italian. I do it almost automatically, spontaneously. I do it because when I take the pen in my hand, I no longer hear English in my brain. During this period when everything confuses me, everything unsettles me, I change the language I write in. I begin to relate, in the most exacting way, everything that is testing me.
I write in a terrible, embarrassing Italian, full of mistakes. Without correcting, without a dictionary, by instinct alone. I grope my way, like a child, like a semiliterate. I am ashamed of writing like this. I don’t understand this mysterious impulse, which emerges out of nowhere. I can’t stop.
It’s as if I were writing with my left hand, my weak hand, the one I’m not supposed to write with. It seems a transgression, a rebellion, an act of stupidity.
During the first months in Rome, my clandestine Italian diary is the only thing that consoles me, that gives me stability. Often, awake and restless in the middle of the night, I go to the desk to compose some paragraphs in Italian. It’s an absolutely secret project. No one suspects, no one knows.
I don’t recognize the person who is writing in this diary, in this new, approximate language. But I know that it’s the most genuine, most vulnerable part of me.
Before I moved to Rome I seldom wrote in Italian. I tried to compose some letters to an Italian friend of mine who lives in Madrid, some emails to my teacher. They were like formal, artificial exercises. The voice didn’t seem to be mine. In America it wasn’t.
In Rome, however, writing in Italian is the only way to feel myself present here—maybe to have a connection, especially as a writer, with Italy. The new diary, although imperfect, although riddled with mistakes, mirrors my disorientation clearly. It reflects a radical transition, a state of complete bewilderment.
In the months before coming to Italy, I was looking for another direction for my writing. I wanted a new approach. I didn’t know that the language I had studied slowly for many years in America would, finally, give me the direction.
I use up one notebook, I start another. A second metaphor comes to mind: it’s as if, poorly equipped, I were climbing a mountain. It’s a sort of literary act of survival. I don’t have many words to express myself—rather, the opposite. I’m aware of a state of deprivation. And yet, at the same time, I feel free, light. I rediscover the reason that I write, the joy as well as the need. I find again the pleasure I’ve felt since I was a child: putting words in a notebook that no one will read.
In Italian I write without style, in a primitive way. I’m always uncertain. My sole intention, along with a blind but sincere faith, is to be understood, and to understand myself.
THE STORY
The diary provides me with the discipline, the habit of writing in Italian. But writing only a diary is the equivalent of shutting myself in the house, talking to myself. What I express there remains a private, interior narration. At a certain point, in spite of the risk, I want to go out.
I start with very short pieces, usually no more than a handwritten page. I try to focus on something specific: a person, a moment, a place. I do what I ask my students to do when I teach creative writing. I explain to them that such fragments are the first steps to take before constructing a story. I think that a writer should observe the real world before imagining a nonexistent one.
My short Italian pieces are mere trifles. And yet I work hard to try to perfect them. I give the first piece to my new Italian teacher in Rome. When he gives it back to me, I’m mortified. I see only mistakes, only problems. I see a catastrophe. Almost every sentence has to be changed. I correct the first version in red pen. At the end of the lesson the page contains as much red ink as black.
I’ve never tried to do anything this demanding as a writer. I find that my project is so arduous that it seems sadistic. I have to start again from the beginning, as if I had never written anything in my life. But, to be precise, I am not at the starting point: rather, I’m in another dimension, where I have no references, no armor. Where I’ve never felt so stupid.
Even though I now speak the language fairly well, the spoken language doesn’t help me. A conversation involves a sort of collaboration and, often, an act of forgiveness. When I speak I can make mistakes, but I’m somehow able to make myself understood. On the page I am alone. The spoken language is a kind of antechamber with respect to the written, which has a stricter, more elusive logic.
In spite of the humiliation I continue. For the next lesson, I prepare something different. Because buried under all the mistakes, all the rough spots, is something precious. A new voice, crude but alive, to improve, to elaborate.
One day I find myself in a library where I never feel very comfortable, and where I usually can’t work well. There, at an anonymous desk, an entire story in Italian comes into my mind. It comes in a flash. I hear the sentences in my brain. I don’t know where they originate, I don’t know how I’m able to hear them. I write rapidly in the notebook; I’m afraid it will all disappear before I can get it down. Everything unfolds calmly. I don’t use the dictionary. It takes me about two hours to write the first half of the story. The next day I return to the same library for another couple of hours, to finish it.
I am aware of a break, along with a birth. I’m stunned by it.
I’ve never written a story in this fashion. In English I can consider what I write, I can stop after every sentence to look for the right words, to reorder them, change my mind a thousand times. My knowledge of English is both an advantage and a hindrance. I rewrite everything like a lunatic until it satisfies me, while in Italian, like a soldier in the desert, I have to simply keep going.
After finishing the story, I type it on the computer. For the first time I’m working on the screen in Italian. My fingers are tense. They don’t know how to move on the keyboard.
I know there will be many things to correct, to rewrite.
I know that my life as a writer wi
ll no longer be the same.
The story is entitled “The Exchange.”
What is it about? The protagonist is a translator who is restless, and moves to an unspecified city in search of a change. She arrives by herself, with almost nothing, except a black sweater.
I don’t know how to read the story, I don’t know what to think about it. I don’t know if it works. I don’t have the critical skills to judge it. Although it came from me, it doesn’t seem completely mine. I’m sure of only one thing: I would never have written it in English.
I hate analyzing what I write. But one morning a few months later, when I’m running in the park of Villa Doria Pamphili, the meaning of this strange story suddenly comes to me: the sweater is language.
THE EXCHANGE
There was a woman, a translator, who wanted to be another person. There was no precise reason. It had always been that way.
She had friends, a family, an apartment, a job. She had enough money, and good health. She had, in other words, a fortunate life, for which she was grateful. The only thing that troubled her was what distinguished her from others.
When she thought of what she possessed, she felt a mild revulsion, because every object, every thing that belonged to her, gave proof of her existence. Every time she remembered something of her past life, she was convinced that another version would have been better.
She considered herself imperfect, like the first draft of a book. She wanted to produce another version of herself, in the same way that she could transform a text from one language into another. At times she had the impulse to remove her presence from the earth, as if it were a thread on the hem of a nice dress, to be cut off with a pair of scissors.
And yet she didn’t want to kill herself. She loved the world too much, and people. She loved taking long walks in the late afternoon, and observing her surroundings. She loved the green of the sea, the light of dusk, the rocks scattered on the sand. She loved the taste of a red pear in autumn, the full, heavy winter moon that shone amid the clouds. She loved the warmth of her bed, a good book to read without being interrupted. To enjoy that, she would have lived forever.
Wishing to better understand the reason she felt the way she did, she decided one day to eliminate the signs of her existence. Apart from a small suitcase, she threw or gave everything away. She wanted to live in solitude, like a monk, in order to confront what she couldn’t bear. To her friends, her family, the man who loved her, she said that she had to go away for a while.
She chose a city where she knew no one, didn’t understand the language, where it wasn’t too hot or too cold. She brought clothes that were as simple as possible, all black: a dress, a pair of shoes, and a soft, light wool sweater, with five small buttons.
She arrived as the season was changing. It was warm in the sun, cool in the shade. She rented a room. She walked for hours, wandered aimlessly, without speaking. The city was small, pleasant but without personality, without tourists. She heard the sounds, observed the people: some hurried to work, some sat on benches, like her, with a book or a cell phone, taking the sun. When she was hungry, she ate something sitting on a bench. When she was tired, she went to the movies.
The days grew short, dark. Gradually the trees lost their colors, their leaves. The translator’s mind emptied. She began to feel light, anonymous. She imagined she was a falling leaf, like every other.
At night she slept well. In the morning she woke without worries. She didn’t think of the future or of the traces of her life. She was suspended in time, like a person without a shadow. And yet she was alive, she felt more alive than ever.
One rainy, windy day, she took shelter under the cornice of a stone building. The rain poured down. She didn’t have an umbrella, or even a hat. The rain beat on the sidewalk with an insistent, continuous sound. She thought of the water’s eternal journey, falling from the clouds, penetrating the earth, filling the rivers, arriving, finally, at the sea.
The street was pocked with puddles, the façade of the building opposite was covered with illegible signs. The translator noticed various women going in and out. Occasionally one alone or a small group would arrive, press a bell, then enter. Curious, she decided to follow.
Beyond the entranceway she had to cross a courtyard, where the rain was confined, as if it were falling in a room without a ceiling. She stopped for a moment to look at the sky, even though she got wet. Farther on there was a dark stairway, the steps slightly uneven, where some women were coming down, others going up.
On the landing stood a tall, thin woman, with a wrinkled yet still beautiful face. She had short fair hair, and was dressed in black. The dress was transparent, without a precise shape, and with long, diaphanous sleeves, like wings. This woman welcomed the others, with open arms.
Come in, come in, there are a lot of things to see.
Inside the apartment the translator left her purse in the hall, on a long table, as the others did. At the end of the hall was a large living room. A row of black dresses hung on a clothes rack next to the wall.
The dresses were like soldiers, at attention, but inanimate. In another part of the room there were couches, lighted candles, a table loaded with fruit, cheese, a rich chocolate cake. In a corner was a tall mirror divided into three, in which you could look at yourself from different angles.
The owner of the apartment, who had designed the black clothes, was sitting on a sofa, smoking and chatting. She spoke the language of the place perfectly, but with a slight accent. She was a foreigner, like the translator.
Welcome. Please, have something to eat, look around, make yourself comfortable.
Some women were already undressed, and were trying on clothes, asking the others for their opinions. They were a collection of arms, legs, hips, waists. Unceasing variations. They all seemed to know each other.
The translator took off her sweater, undressed. She began to try on all the garments in her size, one after the other, methodically, as if it were a task. There were pants, jackets, skirts, shirts, dresses. All black, made of soft light fabrics.
They are ideal for traveling, the owner said. They are comfortable, modern, versatile. You can wash them by hand in cold water. They don’t wrinkle.
The other women agreed. They said that now they wore only clothes designed by the owner. You could get them only by going to her house, only by private invitation. Only in this way, secret, hidden, festive.
The translator stood in front of the mirror. She studied her own image. But she was distracted by the presence of another woman behind the mirror, at the end of the hall. She was different from the others. She was working at a table, with an iron, a needle in her mouth. She had tired eyes, a sorrowful face.
The clothes were elegant, well made. Even though they suited her, the translator didn’t like them. After trying the last thing she decided to leave. She didn’t feel like herself in those clothes. She didn’t want to acquire or accumulate anything more.
There were piles of clothes everywhere, on the floor, on the couches, on the chairs, like so many dark puddles. After rummaging awhile, she found hers. But her black sweater was missing. She had looked in all the piles but hadn’t found it.
The room was almost empty. While the translator was looking for her sweater, most of the women had left. The owner was preparing a receipt for the next to last. Only the translator remained.
The owner looked at her, as if she had noticed her presence for the first time.
“And what did you decide on?”
“Nothing. I’m missing a sweater, my own.”
“What color?”
“Black.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
The owner called to the woman behind the mirror. She asked her to pick the clothes up off the floor, put everything in order.
“This lady is missing a black sweater,” she said. “I don’t know you,” she continued. “How did you find me?”
“I was outside. I followed the others. I didn’t know what was
inside.”
“You don’t like the clothes?”
“I like them but I don’t need them.”
“Where are you from?”
“I’m not from here.”
“I’m not, either. Are you hungry? Would you like some wine? Fruit?”
“No, thank you.”
“Excuse me.”
It was the woman who worked for the owner. She showed something, a garment, to the translator.
“Here,” said the owner. “It was hidden, we found your sweater.”
The translator took it. But she knew immediately, without even putting it on, that it wasn’t hers. It was another one, unfamiliar. The wool was coarser, the black less intense, and it was a different size. When she put it on, when she looked in the mirror, the mistake seemed obvious to her.
“This isn’t mine.”
“What do you mean?”
“Mine is similar, but this isn’t it. I don’t recognize this sweater. It doesn’t fit.”
“But it must be yours. The maid has put everything in order. There’s nothing on the floor, nothing on the couches, look.”
The translator didn’t want to take the other sweater. She felt antipathy toward it, revulsion. “This isn’t mine. Mine has disappeared.”
“What do you mean?”
“Maybe another woman took it without realizing it. Maybe there was an exchange. Maybe there were other clients who were wearing a sweater like this?”
“I don’t remember. All right, I can check, wait.”
The owner sat down again on the couch. She lit a cigarette. Then she began to make a series of calls. She explained to one woman after another what had happened. She said a few words to each one.