He’d been satisfied to enhance the world with his knowledge of BDSM and keep his distance from everyone else. It was easier that way… safer that way.
Yet, here he was now, in love with a woman and ready to start a family with her.
Thane shook his head, still in shock at the turn his life had taken. Brie was proof that miracles were possible—that someone broken had hope for a normal life.
Hope…
Recently, that word had become like a mantra for him. Hope had not been a part of his reality since he was a young boy. It had had no place in his LBB—Life Before Brie.
When he heard her giggling nervously from the bathroom, he walked down the hallway and stuck his head inside the doorway. “Having problems, my dear?”
She looked up at him sheepishly from the toilet. “I’m too nervous to pee.”
Thane turned on the sink faucet, knowing the sound of the running water would help. It didn’t take long before she had the tester soaked. Laying the stick on the counter, they both watched it intently.
The first blue line slowly appeared, indicating that the test was working. He waited with patience, certain the second blue line would soon follow.
Thane smiled when he saw the faint blue of that second line.
An image of his father flashed in his mind. Papa, he called out silently, I understand now…
The full force of the burden of caring for this new life hit him hard, but along with it came an undeniable joy.
My child.
“Hello, little mama,” he growled in Brie’s ear, wrapping his arms around her.
She closed her eyes and purred. He looked at the reflection of the two of them in the mirror and mused, This beautiful woman is going to have my baby.
He had to blink several times to hold back tears of gratitude.
Brie giggled. “Apparently, you were right. We are a compatible couple.”
“No doubt my sperm enjoyed penetrating your egg.”
She was silent, seemingly lost in thought. It was not the reaction he had been expecting. Turning her around to face him, he asked, “Are you okay, Brie? You’re so quiet. You aren’t having second thoughts, are you?”
She looked up at him, shaking her head with tears in her eyes. “No, I just can’t believe I’m having a baby. Your baby, Thane.”
His heart overflowed with his intense love for her and this new life she was now carrying. He crushed her in a tight embrace, murmuring gruffly, “Our baby.”
The haunting melody of his father’s violin overtook his thoughts while the sound of another explosion rocked the plane and it ripped apart around them.
“Goodbye, babygirl.”
Hell
His universe was cold, dark, and excruciatingly painful. He was floating in a sea of pain without any way to end it—unable to move or react.
At first, Thane thought it was a dream and kept his insurmountable fears at bay with the belief that he would wake up soon. But the longer he waited for relief to come, the more uncertain he became that it would ever happen, until the fears he’d been fighting finally rushed over him, unabated.
Is this Hell?
All his life he’d heard stories about the fire and brimstone of Hell—but this was much, much worse.
Cold nothingness…
No sound.
No smells.
No light to see by.
Nothing to touch.
Floating in a bitter darkness, completely devoid of anything to hold on to.
A man could go mad in such an environment…
What had he done to earn this punishment?
Although Thane had been deeply wronged as a boy, he’d lived his life as honorably as he knew how, striving to protect himself and those around him.
Was that the reason he was here?
In protecting himself, had he earned a place in Hell?
Brie…
He screamed in agony, but no sound came from his lips.
Thane raged inside himself, furious that every part of his humanity had been stripped away from him but one—the ability to think.
What cruel irony.
With limitless time, and being of sound mind, he found himself reliving his past and questioning everything. All those memories only served to affirm his assumption that he’d been plunged into the cold heart of Hell.
~~~~~
Thirteen again…
He was headed up the walkway to the house, glancing at the unfamiliar car in the driveway, curious as to why it was there. Mama never invited guests over to the house.
Thane opened the door and called out to her as he hung his backpack up and took off his shoes, setting them neatly against the wall at the entryway.
Shoes were not allowed beyond the entryway. It would be a travesty to get those pristine white rugs dirty. Thane couldn’t understand why his mother insisted on white, but he respected her wishes nonetheless.
A growing boy, he headed to the kitchen to round up a snack to satisfy his insatiable hunger. With a plate of chips and a hastily constructed sandwich, he made his way up the stairs to his bedroom. As he walked past his parents’ room, however, he heard his mother’s passionate cries.
Thane stopped in his tracks, horrified by the reality of what was happening behind those double doors.
She wouldn’t…
Tears picked his eyes, and he suddenly felt nauseous. The plate in his hand fell to the floor unnoticed.
As if in a daze, he escaped into his room, terrified by his mother’s betrayal.
“What do I do?” he mumbled as he paced the room. Should he go in and confront his mother, searing the image of her infidelity in his mind?
Tears of helplessness fell down his cheeks. He knew how crushed his father would be when he learned of her betrayal. Alonzo’s love for his wife was so deep that Thane was uncertain how he would survive it.
Sitting at the edge of the bed, Thane held his head in his hands, rocking back and forth, certain his whole world was about to fall apart.
“Why?” he cried out. He could not fathom any reason his mother would do this to his father when she claimed to love Alonzo. They were like the sun and the moon—everyone said that about them.
Thane groaned as the faint sound of her sexual cries penetrated his thoughts.
“I can’t deal with this!” he screamed out in a rage.
Racing from his room, Thane ran blindly past the double doors and down the stairs, slamming the front door on his way out.
He walked for hours, trying to reason out not only what had happened, but why it had happened. He understood his mother’s loneliness. Hell, he felt that way, too, but they both knew that Alonzo was not only providing for the family, but also spreading joy around the world with his violin.
It made Thane proud, and it was worth the sacrifice.
No matter what his mother was feeling now, she owed her husband the respect of telling him about the affair to his face as soon as he returned home. Sneaking behind her husband’s back to fuck another man in his bed was unconscionable.
Thane eventually walked back to the house, relieved to see that the car of his mother’s “boy toy” was gone. When he walked inside, she was waiting for him.
“You can’t tell your father.”
“Don’t make me lie for you, Mama.”
“You don’t have to lie. Just don’t say anything.”
“Lies of omission are still lies…” he growled.
“Do you really want to be the one who shatters this family?”
“I’m not the one who did this,” he spat, disgusted that she was planning to hide her infidelity. There was no remorse on her face.
“Thane, you know I love your father,” she insisted.
When he frowned at her in disbelief, she grabbed his arm and forced him to look her in the eye. “It’s not right that I have to stay behind while he’s traipsing all over the world, enjoying the adoration of millions of fans.”
“Papa would never cheat on you.”
“Whether he would or wouldn’t has nothing to do with this.”
“But it does,” Thane snarled, “considering the fact you just cheated on him.”
She smiled at him sympathetically. “You’re just a boy and can’t understand,” she said in a soothing voice, tucking a strand of loose hair behind his ear. “If you love your father, you won’t say anything about this.”
Thane shook his head, shocked by her request.
When she saw the defiance in his eyes, she replied in a threatening tone, “If you do, whatever happens will be on you.”
“I didn’t betray Papa.”
“Enough!” she shouted. “If you’re so eager to destroy your father and watch our family shatter into a million pieces, then, by all means, tell him.”
His mother walked away, grabbing her purse and keys. Before heading out the door, she turned around and stated coldly, “You left a mess in the hallway. I expect you to clean it up.”
Any respect he had left for his mother evaporated the second she walked out that door. Ruth had put the burden of her betrayal squarely on his shoulders. It was a cruel thing to do to a young boy.
The one thing Thane was certain of was that his father deserved to know.
When Alonzo returned home, Thane watched in disgust as his mother acted as if nothing had happened, doting on her husband as she always had. His father’s low laughter filled the house, suddenly causing Thane to doubt his decision.
He couldn’t handle the thought of silencing his father’s warm laughter with the ugly truth so, against his better judgement, he chose not to tell anyone…
~~~~~
Is that why I’m here? Thane cried out in the cold, black abyss. Because it doesn’t seem fair when I paid such a horrific price for that mistake a few years later.
Without skipping a beat, the consequences of that decision played out in his head.
~~~~~
“There’s no reason to push, dickwad,” the boy in front of him grumbled as Thane forced his way off the bus.
He’d seen his father’s Ferrari drive past as it pulled up to the house, parking behind the latest boy toy’s vehicle.
No…no…no! he screamed silently.
The choking smell of exhaust fumes filled Thane’s nostrils as he pushed his way off the bus and began sprinting toward the house.
His father had already opened the front door…
“Don’t!” Thane cried out breathlessly, knowing he wouldn’t be heard but desperate to stop what was about to happen. It was as if his legs had suddenly become lead, each step an incredible effort as he forced one foot in front of the other.
His father had no clue what he was walking into.
Heading up the stairs, grabbing the banister hand over hand to help propel him along faster, Thane saw the open double doors and knew he was already too late. When he entered the room, he stopped short—terrified.
His father had a gun pointed directly at his mother. The drawer by his bedside was open, its contents sprawled haphazardly on the floor.
Thane saw the naked “boy toy” lying in their bed, frozen in fear.
His father moved slowly, now aiming the gun at the asshole lying in the bed.
Alonzo said nothing as he vacillated between pointing the gun at one and then the other, a look of complete devastation on his face.
Finally, he lowered the weapon and asked his wife one simple question. “Why?”
She glared at him as if the circumstances had been reversed and she was the one who’d been wronged, but she said nothing in answer.
“Papa,” Thane choked out.
Alonzo turned his head and stared at Thane for a moment. The look of raw pain in his eyes was something Thane would never forget.
“I’m sorry, son.”
Before Thane could respond, Alonzo put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger.
Thane ran to him, screaming, as he watched his father’s body fall limply to the floor. Reaching him, Thane cradled his head in his lap, ignoring the gushing blood and fragments of bone as he begged his father to hold on.
He looked over at his mother and yelled, “Call the fucking ambulance!”
Thane returned his attention to his father, startled to see his eyes blinking. Maybe there was hope he would survive. “Papa, you’ve got to hang on until the ambulance gets here. You’re going to be okay.”
Even as he said it, he knew in his heart it wasn’t true.
Alonzo’s gaze slowly drifted around the room until it finally locked on Thane.
“I love you,” Thane choked out.
“Son…” His father blinked more and more slowly with each passing moment.
Thane was losing him, and there was nothing he could do.
“Don’t die, Papa,” Thane begged. “I need you…”
Alonzo’s gaze did not waver. “Ti amo.”
Thane whimpered. “I love you, too.”
His father stared at Thane with a look of unbearable sadness as his life slowly ebbed away. Thane held him tightly as he whispered his last words, “I’m sorry…”
His father’s body stiffened, and Thane heard the horrifying sound of the death rattle as Alonzo took that final breath—the sound would haunt him forever.
At the tender age of fifteen, Thane watched in horror as the light disappeared from his father’s eyes.
~~~~~
Looking back on that moment in this dark void, Thane could only condemn himself.
If he had confronted his father about his mother’s infidelity when it first happened, it was possible Alonzo would still be alive today.
That thought devastated Thane. If only his father hadn’t decided to surprise his wife and son by coming home early. Why was fate so cruel to the kind?
It wasn’t until his father had passed away in his arms that Thane understood the disturbing reality of his future. The talented man who had so much to give the world was gone, and the woman whom he had spent his life devoted to had only one thing to say.
“Thank God I’m free…”
Instead of comforting her son, Ruth used his father’s death as an opportunity to elevate herself in the eyes of the public while trashing Alonzo Davis’s reputation. She then spent his fortune seeking popularity, neglecting her only child, in her pursuit of fame.
Thane decided his mother had been aptly named. The beast was the personification of Ruth-lessness.
It dawned on him as he floated in the darkness that it might not have been the mistake of a young boy staying silent which had condemned him to Hell, but his deep rage against his own mother. He’d certainly spent his life killing her in as many ways as possible—in his mind. And she did die by his hands eventually, although he wished it could have been otherwise.
There had been several instances in his life when Thane had almost stooped to his mother’s level, overcome by the demons surrounding him after his father’s suicide, her betrayal, and her abandonment. He knew he was entirely capable of the same heartless actions as she was, since he was cut of the same cloth.
However, the compassionate soul of his father still resonated within him. Instead of becoming her equal, Thane chose the higher path.
Legally emancipating himself, Thane separated himself financially and emotionally from the beast, choosing to concentrate his efforts in making a name for himself in the business world—on his own terms.
Although he had sworn off women to preserve his sanity, his Italian blood demanded satisfaction. As much as he distrusted women on an emotional level, he was fascinated by their feminine bodies and took great pleasure in helping them discover their hidden desires.
With the encouragement of Durov and Anderson, he found a way to interact sexually without the emotional ties intimacy normally involved.
It was the perfect solution.
BDSM became his passion, and a new career path was born when he was appointed the Headmaster of the Submissive Training Center.
~~~~~
An image of
Durov, bloody and battered, gagged and tied to his bed in the dorm room, popped into his head. That memory had always haunted Thane.
After that incident, he had been afraid to visit his Russian friend, knowing he was partly to blame. After all, he’d been the one to introduce Samantha to Durov.
Thane had immediately noticed the chemistry between the two, even though both were highly dominant individuals. It had intrigued him to watch the sparks fly whenever Durov and Samantha were together. He had encouraged their growing attraction, curious as to how it would play out.
Thane never anticipated how it would end—yet, the guilt he carried still weighed heavily on his soul.
Durov had retreated into himself after the assault.
Thane understood why, having witnessed the level of abuse the Russian had endured, after releasing Durov from his bonds to care for his many wounds.
Afterward, he had held the Russian in a protective embrace, silently horrified at how brutal Durov’s assailant had been.
He was shocked when he learned it was Samantha, but knew justice must prevail. However, Durov refused to press charges, and he made Thane promise never to speak about it with others.
“I cannot bear it,” he told Thane with tears in his eyes. “Everything that I knew myself to be has been stripped away. I am no longer a man.”
“You are wrong, my friend. You are still the same man.”
“Nyet. I grew up believing I was strong and could conquer the world—but now I see the truth. I am, and will forever be, a whipping boy.”
It was like a physical punch to his gut, hearing Durov’s words. “That is not true.”
“It is the truth.”
Thane grabbed him by the shoulders. “We determine our truth. No one else—not the world, not our circumstances, and definitely not those around us. We are in control.”
“Are we?” Durov asked, doubt clouding his voice.
“I have lived my life holding onto that truth,” Thane stated. “Because, if I am wrong…” He paused, the idea of it terrifying him. “…if I am wrong, then what’s the point of going on?”
“Exactly,” Durov answered.
The hairs on the back of Thane’s neck rose, hearing the finality in Durov’s tone. “Suicide is not an option. It is never an option.”