‘Ah.’ Mr Ambrose nodded. ‘So in your view, women can take their clothes off in public all they want, as long as men don’t pay them for it.’
Blast him! Put like that, it did sound rather silly. Which it wasn’t! Not at all! It was a point of principle. I shot him another glare.
‘It’s not right! Women shouldn’t be treated like this!’
Mr Ambrose ignored my glare as if it didn’t exist. ‘This place is called “Dark Nights of Delight”, my love. What did you expect?’
‘People with at least a little more clothing! And stop calling me “my love”!’
‘Certainly, my love.’
That earned him another glare.
‘The women… the addicts…’ I threw another glance around, and shuddered. ‘Do all Egyptian bars and pubs look like this?’
‘Egyptian?’ Mr Ambrose snorted. ‘This place is owned by Signore Bertolino, who, in spite of his being a worm, is a bona fide Italian.’
‘Oh.’
Mr Ambrose’s face betrayed not a hint of emotion. Not even disgust.
‘Believe me, he knows far better than any Egyptian what fellow rich Europeans expect Egypt to look like. Here they get the “genuine” oriental experience they’ve always dreamed of, without having to bother with what Egypt really looks like.’
‘Well… well, then that’s not just chauvinistic, it’s chauvinistic trickery!’
He shrugged. ‘Yes.’
‘Yes? Is that all you have to say to it?’
‘What else should I say, my dear? Ah, there comes Signore Bertolino.’
He did indeed, waddling across the floor towards us like an overweight gander. I tried not to shoot scathing glares at him, but it was very hard. Settling down again with a grunt, he picked up his water pipe and inhaled, deeply.
‘My apologies, Signore Thomson. Business is business.’
‘Of course, I understand.’
‘We were speaking of bandits, I believe.’
‘Indeed we were. So, Signore Bertolino, what can you tell me?’
‘That depends. What price are you willing to pay?’
Mr Ambrose met his eyes coolly, evenly. ‘None at all.’
There was a slight pause.
‘Scusi?’ This time, the Italian raised both his eyebrows. ‘You have an interesting conception of “buying”, Signore.’
‘I’ve often been told that.’
‘Now, seriously. What do you offer? How much?’
‘Seriously - not a single penny.’ Taking the water pipe out of the surprised Italian’s hands, Mr Ambrose leaned towards him. ‘But, if you tell me everything you know about these bandits, I shall keep my mouth shut about a few things that I know. For instance…’
He leaned forward even further, whispering something into Bertolino’s ear which I couldn’t hear. The fat man’s face paled under his tan.
‘H-how do you know about that?’
Mr Ambrose shrugged. ‘I told you; I have sufficient contacts. Tell me everything you know, and the authorities will never need to hear of your little escapades. I know they turn a blind eye on your business here, but that…’ He shook his head. ‘That would be another matter altogether, wouldn’t it?’
The Italian’s venomous glare was answer enough. For a second, Bertolino’s eyes flickered to the entrance, where two burly men stood guard. They shifted, no doubt reaching for hidden weapons.
‘Don’t even think about it,’ Mr Ambrose’s voice cut into Bertolino’s contemplation. ‘I have men outside. If I am not out of here in a quarter of an hour, they are going to the authorities. Or they might decide to take this place apart. They’re loyal men, and very easily aggravated.’
The Italian’s fat cheek twitched.
‘All right, curse you! You’ll get what information I have about the bandits. It’s not much, but you’ll have it!’
‘Adequate.’
The fat man’s little eyes burned with malice. ‘But I warn you - you had better not set a foot into Alexandria again! For a clueless English honeymooner, you are treading in dangerous waters. I have eliminated far more dangerous men than you!’
Mr Ambrose’s dark eyes sparkled, and I had to work hard to hide my smirk.
‘Somehow,’ he told the Italian, ‘I very much doubt that. Lillian, my dear?’
‘Yes?’
Leaning towards me, he whispered: ‘Go outside, so the men will know that everything is going to be all right. We do not want them rushing in here.’
‘But I want to stay and-’
‘Do you really? Outside, the stench of chauvinism isn’t nearly as overpowering, I think.’
This time, I couldn’t keep a smirk from flitting across my face. ‘Actually, you might be right there. Very well. See you outside - in one piece!’
‘I shall do my best, my love.’
‘Oh, keep a sock in it!’
Rising, I marched past the dancing girls, past the staring men, towards the exit. At the door I turned my head to look back at Mr Ambrose one last time - and that was why I didn’t see the man coming towards me when I stepped outside into the street. I only realized he was there when I ran head first into his hard chest.
‘Oumpf!’
‘Ouch!’
‘Hey!’ I snapped. ‘Watch where you’re going, you bugger!’
‘I’m dreadfully sorry, Madam,’ said a strangely familiar voice out of the gloom. Strong hands gripped my arms to steady me. ‘I didn’t see you and…’ The voice trailed off. But no matter. I had heard enough to recognize the shadowy figure.
But… that was impossible!
Nevertheless, I knew it was true.
‘Captain Carter?’
‘Miss… Miss Linton?’
Grannyfaking for Beginners
Captain Carter took a step backwards, and the light flooding from the open doorway fell across his face. A handsome face, a roguish speck of beard, a mane of brown hair - it was indeed him, in the flesh.
He? Here?
How could he be here? He said he was going to…
Oh.
Of course! A memory of his words during our last conversation flashed through my mind.
‘We’ve had reports of a series of vicious attacks on traders in one of the eastern protectorates. There’s pressure on the Admiralty and the Commander-in-Chief to get quick results. The navy has already dispatched several vessels, and if they can’t root the bandits out from sea, we’ll probably be sent in.’
I stared at him in stunned realization. Of all the countries in the world he could have been talking about, it had to be this one! And I already had a good idea who had perpetrated those ‘vicious attacks’ he had mentioned. Talk about coincidence. Bloody hell!
The surprise must have shown on my face. But if I was surprised, it was nothing compared to the utter incredulity in his tone when he next spoke.
‘Miss… Linton? Miss Lilly Linton?’
I gave him a smile I hoped was casual and relaxed. It probably wasn’t. ‘The one and only.’
‘What in the name of all that is holy are you doing here?’
Looking from left to right, I desperately wrecked my brain for something to say. ‘I, um… went out for a walk.’
His eyebrows, already quite high up, hastily climbed another few dozen rungs on the ladder of his face. ‘From London to Alexandria?’
‘No, of course not! I came here by ship! On my ho-’ I bit down on my tongue just in time. Blast! I had just been about to tell him I was here on my honeymoon! That might lead to slightly awkward results, seeing as he knew perfectly well I wasn’t married and that my last name wasn’t Mrs Thomson. ‘I, um… I’m here on a holiday.’
Quickly, I hid the hand with the wedding ring behind my back.
‘Here?’ Captain Carter looked around at the dark, dingy alleyway. Most windows and doorways were as black as pitch. The few that betrayed some sign of life echoed with raucous laughter, or the sound of fighting. Finally, his eyes settled on the doorway behind me, throu
gh which, I knew, the forms of half-naked women had to be perfectly visible. ‘An, um… interesting spot for a young lady to spend her holiday.’
I rolled my eyes. ‘Not here in this place, obviously. I mean I’m here in Egypt on holiday.’
‘Oh. I see.’ He still didn’t seem very reassured. ‘You’re here all alone?’
No, of course not. I’m here with a chauvinistic businessman who is forcing me to pretend to be his wife so he can take his time finding and slaughtering a few dozen bandits.
‘No, of course not. I’m staying at the Hotel Luxor, with my grandmother,’ I lied. It seemed believable. There were plenty of old ladies back at the hotel, here in Egypt to cure their rheumatism or something. I could only hope to God Captain Carter would never come to the hotel and find out the truth.
‘The Hotel Luxor?’ He took another look around. ‘That’s quite a long way away from here, isn’t it?’
I shrugged. ‘Like I said, I went for a walk, and I must have lost my way a bit.’
‘I’d say!’
My chin lifted. Enough with this inquisition! It was time to go on the offensive.
‘Since we’re on the subject, Captain, what are you doing here?’
The captain bit his lip. ‘I’m not really supposed to say…’
I gave him my most charming smile, and even went so far as to bat my eyelashes. ‘Oh, Captain! You know you can trust me, don’t you?’
There were a few more seconds of hesitation - then Captain Carter released his lip with a sigh. ‘Bloody hell! You’re a dangerous woman, do you know that?’
‘Yes.’
I waited, then batted my eyelashes again, just in case.
He sighed in resignation. ‘All right! You remember those things I told you about my being sent after bandits?’
‘Indeed I do.’
‘Well, they’re here. In Egypt. Egyptian, English and French trade routes are all at risk, so it will be a joint operation, with each nation contributing one task force. I’m in charge of the force the British Army sent to take care of those robbers.’
‘Dear me!’ I actually managed to sound surprised. ‘And what are you doing in this alley, then? Shouldn’t you be in the desert?’
‘Not yet. First I have to find out where those criminals are.’ Looking from left to right as if fearing someone might be listening, he leaned forward. ‘Don’t tell this to anyone,’ he whispered. ‘But I think I might have found a clue to the bandits’ whereabouts.’
I did my best to make my eyes go big with girlish excitement. ‘Indeed?’
‘Yes. In that disreputable tavern behind you - which, by the way, I advise you strongly not to enter - is a man who, according to my sources, might know where they have their lair.’
‘You don’t say.’ I stepped aside to let him pass. ‘Well, it was nice seeing you, Captain. I shouldn’t detain you any longer. You probably have to get on with your investigation.’
His mouth dropped opened slightly. ‘What? You surely don’t expect me to leave you behind in this den of iniquity, completely alone and without protection?’
I won’t be alone. There are men in the shadows watching. And men in the shadows watching the men who are watching!
I managed to force a smile on my face. ‘But surely, your investigation…’
‘…can wait until tomorrow! I will escort you back to the hotel straight away.’
‘Oh, Captain, that really isn’t necessary.’
‘Of course it is,’ he told me sincerely, taking hold of my hand. ‘There are all sorts of ruffians loose in this part of the city. I myself was nearly attacked twice on my way here. I am surprised that you’ve made it this far in one piece.’
Well, my secret legion of bodyguards probably helped.
‘Really,’ I tried one final time, ‘You don’t have to do this. I’ll be fine.’
‘Please.’ Squeezing my hand, he gazed deep into my eyes. His shining brown eyes looked like chocolate: warm and utterly enthralling. I had never noticed before how beautiful they were. Blast! Why did chocolate have to be my favourite food? ‘Please, Miss Linton, let me accompany you back. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you because I wasn’t there to prevent it.’
That was so typically male, chauvinistic, and… and… sweet. Sweet as chocolate.
I gave a little nod. ‘All right.’
Blast! What about Mr Ambrose? If he comes out here and finds me gone…
I could imagine his reaction.
But I really, really didn’t want to.
‘Besides,’ he added in a more cheerful tone, ‘if I come with you, I can meet your grandmother. I’d be delighted to make her acquaintance.’
Oh - my - God…!
‘Of course,’ I said, wishing I could just disappear into the earth. ‘I can’t wait for you to meet her.’
The only problem being that she’s back in England! What now? Crap, crap, crap…!
Oblivious to my panic, Captain Carter linked arms with me and started to lead me up the alley. Halfway up I turned my head to throw an anxious glance back at the tavern which still contained my dear employer, Mr Rikkard Ambrose.
What will he think when he comes out and doesn’t find you out here? asked a nasty little voice in my head.
Nice, calm, relaxing thoughts, I hoped. But somehow, I doubted it.
Our walk back to the hotel passed quite eventlessly. Captain Carter commented once or twice with amazement on how much quieter and safer the dark streets had apparently become since he’d passed through. I mh-hmed and tried not to flush. Once or twice, I saw dark figures out of the corner of my eye, behind us, to our left, our right - everywhere. It probably wasn’t the entire group of guards, but at least part had split off to see me safely back to the hotel.
I wasn’t particularly reassured by this. My brain was whirring like a mad spinning wheel, trying to figure out a way to manufacture a grandmother within approximately five minutes. So far, I had come up blank.
We reached the hotel by just about eleven pm. At the bottom of the stairs, I turned to Captain Carter with a charming smile.
‘Thank you, Captain. It was so nice of you to escort me this far. But you don’t need to come inside, really. I can manage the rest of the way fine by myself.’
‘But then I wouldn’t meet your grandmother! I’ve been looking forward to making her acquaintance.’
Blast! May worms nest in your stomach and nibble at your insides! Why do you have to be so infernally nice?
‘You’re too kind, Captain,’ I told him, and never had I meant anything more literally. ‘Please come in. I’ll introduce you.’
Cursing myself and the blasted goddess of fate responsible for bringing us together in that dark alley, I led him up the stairs and into the lobby. Desperately, I looked around for something, anything - and my eyes fell on my salvation!
‘Grandmother!’ With a fake smile on my face that hurt my cheeks, I scuttled towards the deaf little old lady I had noticed before in the dining hall. ‘Grandmother, how nice to see you again!’
With bated breath, I waited for the axe to fall. I had a fifty-fifty chance…
‘Eh?’ Blinking up at me, the old lady raised a hand to her ear. ‘What? You’ll have to speak up, dearie! I can’t hear you.’
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes! Deaf as a post! Yes!
‘Captain Carter,’ I said, gesturing him closer, my grin now a hundred per cent genuine as relief welled up inside me. ‘Meet my grandmother, Frederica Linton. Grandmother, this is Captain Carter, a good friend of mine.’
‘What?’ The old lady leaned forward a bit more. ‘Who has kept it harder?’
‘Carter,’ the captain said, in a slightly raised voice. ‘Not harder. Carter. Captain Carter!’
‘What larder, young man? What are you talking about? We’re not in a larder! This is the lobby of a first class hotel, in case you haven’t noticed!’
‘Charming, isn’t she?’ I asked the captain
with a smirk.
‘Absolutely dazzling, Miss Linton. I hardly know what to say.’
‘Pay?’ the old lady demanded. ‘What would I want you to pay for? I’ve got my own money and can take very good care of myself, you know! Young people nowadays…! Who are you anyway?’
‘Carter, Madam. Captain James Carter!’
The old lady shook her head. ‘No, we’re not in a larder! How many times do I have to tell you that?’
Captain Carter and I had a nice chat with my ‘grandmother’. By the end of it, he was completely exhausted, and the old lady had had a fabulous time explaining to us how frivolous today’s youth was and saying ‘What?’ about three dozen times. Finally, Captain Carter decided to take his leave.
‘You won’t mind if I go already, Miss Linton? You see, I have a long way back to my own hotel. But if you think it would be rude of me to leave already I could-’
‘Oh, no, no, nononono. Not rude at all! Put your mind at rest, Captain.’
‘Well, if you think so…’
‘Definitely!’
He smiled at me. A genuine, warm smile that made me feel a little guilty for how I had been trying to get rid of him. ‘May I look in on you, to see how you’re doing?’
Yes, of course you may. I’d love to see you, really. The only problem with that is that I’m staying here as a married woman, under an assumed name!
‘I’m afraid my aunt and I will be leaving soon for a trip down the Nile, or some other expedition.’
‘Oh.’ He looked disappointed. ‘Well, then… farewell, Miss Linton.’
‘Au revoir, Captain.’ Reaching out, I took his hand, and gave it a gentle squeeze. ‘I look forward to seeing you again in London, and dancing our next galop.’
That brought a smile to his face. He bowed snappily and kissed my hand in farewell. I waited until he was out of sight, outside the hotel - then I let my held breath escape. Thank God! Major catastrophe averted! Secret identity saved! Not bad for one night.
A tickling sensation drew my attention then. Raising my hand, I watched it for a moment, as if it might bite. The spot he had kissed was still sort of tingly. Odd. That had never happened when some of my suitors smooched my hand. The only thing that made me feel was an intense desire for a towel, soap, and a bucket of water. Hm.