As I stood over my own grave I realized that I had wasted my time coming here. When I had imagined this moment I thought I would remember what it was like to be human. I thought I would realize that my humanity was worth fighting for. But, seeing my name etched in stone only made me want to give up the fight even more. I sighed; at least I had an answer to my question, even if it wasn’t the answer I wanted.
It was silly of me to think seeing my grave would change anything. It really wasn't a grave since I wasn't in it; it was just a plot of ground. I desperately wanted to feel human and remember the person that I used to be.
I wouldn’t have come to my grave at all if it wasn’t for my father. His grave was next to mine. Technically, he wasn’t in his grave either, but it felt good to have a place to visit him. He had died in a fire. I wasn’t sure what was buried here and I didn’t need to know. I thought visiting my father’s grave would make me feel human, but it didn’t.
Most of my human memories had faded, but I remember the night my father died. It was the same night I became a vampire. I woke up in the middle of the night to a wall of flames. I tried to get to my father’s room, but the flames were blocking my path. Soon, the smoke was so thick I couldn’t breathe. I must have passed out because the next thing I remember is waking up as a vampire. Endora told me she had seen the flames engulfing the house. She rescued me from the fire by turning me into a vampire, but she couldn’t do the same for my father.
“It’s a bit morbid to visit your own grave” I heard a voice that stirred memories hidden so deep inside my mind that I had almost forgotten they existed. I turned around and watched him step out from behind the trunk of a sweet gum tree.
Seeing Matthias Sawyer brought me back to a day that came rushing back to me in a flash. I was sixteen and in love, a time before I knew about vampires. It was a Tuesday and we had a test in History. It had been a normal day until it wasn't.
I haven’t seen him since becoming a vampire. I always wondered what had happened to him. I assumed he thought that I was dead. I wondered if he cried at my funeral; or if he ever thought of me. It had been ten years and he had changed in ways that I could not have imagined. He looked older than he was. He was looking at me like he didn’t know me; and he didn't know me, I thought. I wasn't the girl he used to know.
He was right; it was morbid of me to come here. I wouldn't have taken the risk if I had thought anyone would be here. But, I had taken the risk coming here, and now I was paying for it. What was I going to say to him? Sorry you thought I was dead, but I'm actually a vampire. There was no way of explaining that he would understand. I looked at him; he didn't seem the least bit surprised to find me here.
“You look exactly the same, except for your hair” he said. I fingered the candy apple red hair that used to be the color of chocolate. I didn’t know what to say to him. I didn’t want him to see me like this. I wanted him to remember me the way I was.
"Do you know how many times I visited your grave?" he asked. "How many times I sat here and told you my darkest secrets? If you had told me the day you died that there was something worse I wouldn't have believed you" he said. "I thought you dying was the worst thing I would have to go thru in my life, but I guess I was wrong. Now I have to see you as a vampire... that's worse" he said.
“You know what I am?” I asked. I should have felt something from his words, but I didn't. If those words couldn't make me feel anything then nothing would.
“Yes” he said.
“You know about vampires?” I asked.
“Yeah, I've killed several” he said.
“Are you here to kill me?” I asked. I wondered if this is how it ends. Endora saves me from a fire so that ten years later the love of my life can kill me.
“No, I'm here to save you” he said as if he were delivering the punch line of a joke. I let out a small laugh. If he thought he could save me then the joke was on him.
“Save me from what?” I asked. “I may be walking around with a new hair color, but that doesn’t change the fact that I died in that fire” I told him. “You can't save me from being a vampire” I told him.
“You're wrong. I can take you somewhere where you can be free” he said. "I'm giving you another option, and I suggest you take it".
“I can never be free” I said. “I’m not the girl you used to know, and I can never be her again” I said. “It would be better if you thought of me as dead” I said.
“I do think of you as being dead. I loved a girl with soft brown hair and eyes that were always smiling. You're just a vampire who looks like the girl I loved; but you can be that girl again. If you come with me I can see her again” he said.
“That girl is gone” I said. His words could have given me hope if I had let them, but if this life had taught me anything it was to never believe in false hope. Hope only led to heartbreak, and I had already had too much heartbreak in my short life.
“Maybe you're right, but if there is a chance I can have that girl back then I have to try, and I don't care if you come willingly or not” he said.
“I can’t go with you” I said.
“I’m giving you a way out” he moved closer to me so he could look down into my eyes. “You could be free; I know this is not the life you want” he said. “Do you want to spend eternity cursed to walk the earth as a vampire? Do you want to be a slave to the vampire who created you?” he asked.
“You talk about things you can’t understand. You don’t understand how strong the blood bond between a vampire and their sire is. There is no place I can be free. There is no place that she won't find me. I will only be free when I die, and for me that could be a long time” I said.
I was talking about the blood bond that was formed between Endora and me when she made me a vampire. A blood bond between vampires was stronger than any human desire to be free. The bond was sealed by a vampire's first kill. Once I made my first kill I wouldn’t have the desire to be free anymore. After the first kill what was left of my humanity would be gone.
“I didn’t say leaving would be easy” he said.
“I can’t leave with you, and you can’t seek me out again. Just being near me is putting you in danger” I told him. “You have to let me go. You have to forget that I ever existed” I told him.
“You will come with me” he said. “If you remember I don’t give up easily” he said. I smiled at the thoughts his words welled up inside me. Then I left him in the graveyard. Speed was a gift of being a vampire. I moved faster than his eyes could see, so I knew he wouldn’t follow me. I hoped he wouldn’t seek me out again, but I knew that he would. He wouldn’t give up. A part of me was happy to see him again, but I knew that any proximity to me would only put him in danger. I couldn’t bare it if anything happened to him because of me.