I reach out my hand and he takes it. “No, I won’t hurt you,” I promise. And I mean it.
OUR FIRST STOP is to the carriage house next to the barn. It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve been out here. Since the barn is used more and we’re full all the time now, Davis thought it would be a good idea to turn the carriage house into a place that people can come for longer or more private stays. I’ve gotten to pick out all the materials and colors. Papa says I have the eye for it and Davis agrees, so I’m happy to play. It’s fun for me. Every time I’ve visited him out here, I’ve been amazed at how pretty it all is, but the last time I saw it, there was still a lot of work to have it ready for guests. When we step inside, I nudge his arm.
“You’re just full of surprises!” I laugh. “It’s so beautiful, Davis. I can’t believe how talented you are. And the lights! I love the little white lights everywhere!”
“I would have never thought to put all these things together,” he says, holding a pillow next to a picture I found. “I just build it. You’re the one who makes it look like those magazines you like. We do work well together,” he finishes quietly.
“I didn’t pick out this table.”
Davis has led me to an intimate round table that has china already placed on it.
“I made that,” he shrugs like it’s nothing, “and Ruby let me bring the dishes out here last night. I figure we can’t get any better cookin’ than hers anywhere within 200 miles, so we may as well eat here before we go.”
“How do you have time to do all this work? Everything is always running so smoothly since you came, which is a job in itself, but no, you’re out here building tables with intricate legwork and sturdy chairs. I don’t understand how you do it all…”
“I don’t sleep much. I’ve been staying out here, actually, and I get a lot done when it’s quiet. I…it’s good for me to be busy.”
“Me too. I don’t like to have too much time to think, which is what happens when I stop,” I tell him.
“What keeps you awake at night, Caroline?” He gets right to the point.
“My past,” I answer.
I fidget with the cloth napkin on my lap. Davis takes the lid off the white tureen in front of us and scoops Ruby's vegetable soup into our bowls.
We start slowly eating and Davis picks up the conversation again.
“What happened to make you leave home?”
“Are you sure you want to get into this? It’s way more fun talking about decorating,” I say.
“I think it’s time, don’t you?”
He says it so sincerely, I feel safe to answer whatever he asks.
I take a deep breath. “Okay. I was raped by two boys and they came back for more. I had to get out of there.”
I don’t think I’ve ever said those words out loud.
He sets down his spoon and his eyes go black.
“My dad is an alcoholic and disappeared before all this happened. My mom left me in Memphis…we weren’t getting along. And my boyfriend found me and told me those boys were dead, but I still couldn’t go back.”
“That’s…” He blows air out of his lips. “Whew. A lot. How could they leave-?” He shakes his head. “Okay. Boyfriend, you said?”
“Gracie’s dad.”
“Oh. So…where is he now?”
“Tulma, as far as I know. I went back to tell him about Gracie but saw him with another girl. And then I didn’t have the nerve to tell him until Gracie’s first birthday, but I sent him a letter and he never responded. I sent him two, actually, but nothing…” I’ve said it all in one breath, saying it as fast as I can get it out.
I feel surprisingly numb.
“What’s his name?”
“Isaiah.”
“Wow,” he says. “I-I don’t know what to say. Wow.”
“Yeah, it’s not exactly a great conversation starter…but hey,” I shrug, “it’s what I’ve got.”
I try to smile, but it’s more like a wobble. He reaches out and holds my hand. I like his strong grip. Makes me feel ladylike. With my spare hand, I take another bite of my soup.
“This is my favorite Ruby soup.”
“Now that I did know.” He smiles.
“What about you? What horrid secrets do you have to tell me?”
“Nothing so horrid as your story. I’m sorry you’ve been through so much, Caroline. And I’ve been sorry for ever making you feel like you look anything other than beautiful…because that’s what I really see. I should have never said that about you lookin’ weary. I can’t believe how you just go on like nothing bad has ever happened to you a day in your life. I’ve never heard you say one foul word to anyone and I’ve been around you approximately a hundred and thirty-five days now.” He pauses when I laugh at that. “The fact that I didn’t know this story until today…well, it’s just not the norm. Most people have to share all their sad stories before they ever even get to know the person they’re sharing with. You’re constantly smiling, even when I know you’ve gotta be so tired.”
“Well, I came here pretty beat up. But, I’ve never been happier than here with Gracie, Papa and Ruby—Brenda, too—she’s been such a good friend. And now…you. Hopefully, I won’t look old forever,” I tease him.
“I think you’re looking more like seventeen these days,” he says. “Soon to be eighteen…”
“Pfft. You think I’m gonna believe you now?”
His face gets sober. “I mean it. I nearly lose my air every time I see you, Caroline. Even when you’re not dressed all…cute.” He waves his hand up and down around my outfit. “And I like that the world can’t keep you down. You’re formidable.”
“Formidable,” I repeat. “I like that.”
“I like you,” he says.
“What’s made you start…thinking like this?” I ask. “And I haven’t heard you talk so much at one time. Ever. Or using words like formidable.”
He laughs. “My mom died when I was fifteen and she always used big words. I am being chatty, huh.” He changes the subject quickly. “I guess I think I better get it all out while we have a chance. And Gracie is hard to deny. When she says, ‘Come ‘heah’, I cannot refuse her.”
We both laugh at that. She is always grabbing his hand and taking him off to show him something.
“I’m really sorry about your mom. Is your dad alive?”
He shakes his head no. “But I didn’t miss him when he went. My mom…she was…I just…I miss her a lot.”
He swallows hard and his Adam’s apple bobs up and down quickly.
“I kinda always have ‘thought like this’ about you…since pretty much the first time I saw how you take care of everyone around you. That was right around day one,” he continues.
I gulp the lump that has formed in my throat.
“You seemed so capable of taking care of yourself. I didn’t think you’d ever look at me. And then when I found out how young you really are, I thought just maybe I could have a chance to show you how you can be taken care of too.”
“But you’ve never even really acted like you like me…like that. I mean, we talk and we’ve been friends and it’s been fun, but I didn’t even feel an inkling that you liked me. Until…”
“Yeah?”
“Until that day in my room.”
Davis nods and doesn’t say anything. We both sit there with the lights flickering across our faces, holding hands, and I think this is one of the most romantic moments I’ve ever experienced.
“I could stare at you all day, but I don’t want to freak you out,” he finally says.
I laugh nervously. I’ve been enjoying staring back.
“I want to show you something. You warm enough if we go for a walk?”
“I think so,” I answer.
“Here, let’s put this around you.” Davis grabs a scarf from the couch and loosely winds it around my neck. He pauses for a moment and my breath stops.
I think he might kiss me.
His fingers linger on
my scarf and then he lifts them up to my cheek. He traces my jawline and then his hand suddenly drops. He takes a step back and puts his fist up to his mouth. He stares at me like he wants to say something but just clears his throat instead. His eyes are shining as he smiles at me.
“Caroline?”
“Yes?”
He leans in closer and whispers, “I want to take away every sad thought that’s behind those eyes…” He lifts a hand to touch my hair and then drops it again. “I-you’re-well…I don’t think you’re quite ready for me yet, but I’m just gonna be right here, every day, showing you…”
“Showing me what?” I ask when he just leaves it hanging.
“Showing you I’m not going anywhere.”
And with that bold statement he turns around and holds out his hand. “Come on, let’s go before it gets dark.”
We walk, quiet, commenting on a flower here and there or the way a squirrel seems to be keeping up with us. I’m not sure how long we walk, but I know that I needed this. The exercise feels good. And this feeling…it’s like fresh air pouring into my lungs.
“We’re almost there.” We take a turn further into the woods and he points straight ahead.
There’s a huge tree, the only one not affected by winter. Its leaves are green and the branches are heavy with the weight. It’s beautiful. The sunlight is highlighting it, giving it a dreamy effect. I half-expect a fairy to fly overhead anytime.
“It’s spectacular,” I tell him with a smile.
“I think so too.” He bends down and looks up at me. He points to the ground.
My eyes get wide when I see it. Eleven rocks all shaped like hearts are lined up in a row. Some are perfect, some are uneven, some are fat, some are little-bitty…I bend down and pick each one up, examining them all.
“How did you find all these?”
He taps his temple. “Once you find a heart, it’s like it’s all you can see.” He smiles his sweet smile again then leans over and kisses my cheek.
My heart just fluttered back to life again.
THAT FIRST DATE starts a series of weekly dates. Davis and I see each other throughout the day, eat together, and sneak time together between demanding guests, with Gracie always basking in our attention. But every Monday night, after the crazy weekends and after I’ve put Gracie to bed, we go out, just the two of us. We’ve gone on long drives, been bowling, horseback riding twice, watched the sunset through our tree, and to the movies three times. Tonight we’re going to eat dessert at this new little restaurant in town.
I never thought I’d find my place. Ever. I expected to always feel misplaced. On the outside. Wishing for more. Never having normalcy.
Each day is a new revelation. This is what it’s like to be open. This is what it’s like to be young. This is how life is supposed to be.
And with Davis, it’s just easy. He doesn’t have a moody bone in his body. He’s laid back, fun and seems like he’s just looking for ways to show me how good everything can really be.
I’m beginning to believe him.
My only complaint about him is that he hasn’t kissed me yet. It’s been two months and while it feels like more than just hanging out with my best friend—and that’s what he’s become—I’m starting to wonder if we’re really attracted to each other in that way. I know that it feels like I am, and it seems he is with me, but I can’t figure out why it hasn’t happened by now. Sometimes the tension in the air is so thick it could pop. Davis studies my lips for the longest time—I just know it’s going to happen—and then he’ll smile and take a step back and start talking about wood or rocks or food or Gracie.
I made a new dress for tonight. I rarely get out of the house without him or Gracie, so shopping just doesn’t happen. Every now and then I miss sewing with Nellie and pull out Eileen’s old machine that Papa lets me and Ruby use. I finished this dress last night and love it. It’s shorter than anything I’ve ever worn, but not as short as some of the others I see on TV or even on the women in town. It’s red and black with a white pointy collar. The top half looks prim and proper like all the dresses I used to wear, but the bottom flares out several inches above my knees, making me feel like I’m living on the wild side. I did make sure it wasn’t short enough to see all the way to the Promised Land, since I have Nellie perched up on my shoulder most of the time.
Davis comes to my door to pick me up, like always. I wave to Ruby, who sits with Gracie and reads when we go out. Davis’s eyes bug out of his head when he sees me. I shut the door softly behind me and lean against the door. He puts an arm on either side of me, hemming me in, and leans close, so his face is not even a foot from mine.
“I’ve never seen your legs,” he whispers.
“Of course you have,” I say.
“Your ankle maybe…one time I think I saw a glimpse of knee, but…no. Not like this,” he says emphatically.
I look at him out of the sides of my eyes and smirk. “Well, now you have.”
“I’m gonna want to see them all the time now.”
“Is that right? Had I known seein’ a little leg was all you needed…I would have shown them a long time ago,” I tease.
His brows crinkle together. “What do you mean, all I needed?”
I shrug and don’t say anything.
His eyes stare me down and I think he must surely hear my heart pounding.
He puts a hand on my neck, high enough where it’s appropriate and low enough that I know he can feel my heart pounding.
“That…feel that?” He waits for a moment and I know he’s talking about my heart. “That’s what I need. Do I have that?” He studies me, looking for the answer in my eyes.
“I think so,” I whisper.
“What would help you know?” he whispers back.
I don’t answer for a moment and when I do it’s so quiet, I’m not sure he hears me at first.
“If you’d kiss me.”
He tilts my chin up with one hand and with the other, winds his hand through my hair and brings my mouth to his. He doesn’t go soft and gentle like I thought he would, he goes all in and claims me. Like he’s been denied his whole life and is now making up for lost time. When he finally pulls back, I feel weak and deprived. I could kiss him forever.
“Well?” he asks.
“You have me,” I whisper.
“Come on.” He pulls my hand and we fly down the two flights of stairs and out the back door to his truck. “Do you mind if we skip the restaurant?”
I shake my head and climb in his truck.
We speed down the backroads and he pulls up to a large pasture not far from the house. He shuts the truck off and pulls me over to him and kisses me again.
It’s a long time before we stop. My lips feel raw and puffy, but I can’t get enough.
“I’ve been dying to do that for so long,” Davis says.
“I was starting to think you never would.”
We get lost kissing again.
When we finally come up for air, Davis reaches for my hand and puts it up to his lips. “Kissing you is even better than I thought it would be. And I had really high expectations.” He grins.
“I thought you might just be feeling like I was your best friend and didn’t want to go past that,” I admitted.
“I thought that’s how you were feeling.” He presses his forehead to mine. “Now, what do you think?”
“I think I wish we’d been doing this all that time.” I laugh and pull him in for more.
The next break, he says, “Caroline? What happened to you…I haven’t known what you’d be comfortable with and I know we talk about everything, but we don’t really talk about that…or Isaiah.”
I shift uncomfortably in the seat. It feels wrong to talk about that…and them, him…in this moment.
“I haven’t wanted to rush anything and I know that I kinda came on strong right off the bat, but…I’ve tried to hold back too. I couldn’t help but tell you how I feel…I just haven’t wanted you to feel pr
essured by my feelings. I’ve wanted you to come around to the idea of us in your own time.” He puts his hands on my cheeks. “Tonight I realized that you might still not be sure of my feelings, and I couldn’t have that. But, listen to me, Caroline, I will take it all as slow as you want to go.”
“I’m ready to let go of all of it,” I tell him. “You’re my future, Davis. You are. I know it without a doubt now, and I don’t want to look back anymore.”
“I love you,” he says and before I can respond, he kisses me. This time his hands roam up and down my legs, going higher each time. “Your legs are too much,” he groans.
He holds both hands in the air and starts the truck. “I’m gettin’ you home, lady.”
I laugh and scoot as close as I can get beside him. Leaning my head on his shoulder, I look up at him and take in his features in the moonlight. He’s beautiful and his heart is mine. I love him too.
When we get to the house, he walks me up to my room and gives me a chaste peck on the lips. I didn’t know he had those in him anymore after all those steamy kisses.
“This has been the best night of my life,” he whispers.
I hug him tight and when we let go and he walks to the edge of the staircase, he pauses and turns around. He looks so happy. He gives a little wave and starts down the stairs.
“Davis?”
He turns around to look at me.
“I love you too.”
The beam on his face would light up a moonless sky. He nods his head, puts a fist over his heart and walks down the stairs into the night.
OUR DAYS BECOME opportunities for a quick kiss here, a long session there. Papa has caught us kissing several times, tucked away in an alcove of the house, outside by the barn, in the kitchen pantry…he just laughs.
“When are you gonna make an honest girl out of her, Davis?” he teases.
Papa and Eileen got married when they were sixteen, so he thinks nothing of getting married young. “Why waste time when you know?” he says.
After my eighteenth birthday, I start thinking about marrying Davis. Brenda comes over with wedding magazines and we talk about Charlie and Davis and what it would be like to get married. I don’t really have to marry Davis to be happy—I’m pretty happy right now. But I know he does want to ‘make an honest woman out of me’ and it’s getting harder and harder to keep our hands off of each other, so as soon as he asks me, I will say yes.