He didn’t answer straight away. He drained his Guinness first. His eyes watched me over the top of his glass while he drank. He put his pint down very careful and wiped the white Guinness foam off his top lip. He lit a ciggie.
—Is that what this is? he said. An affair?
—Not yet. Not properly.
I slid my hands across the table so that the tips of my fingers were touching the tips of his. Terence Butcher looked around to see if anyone was watching. He let his head drop almost to the table then he lifted it up again and looked at me.
—Would you like it to be? he said.
I didn’t answer I just pushed my hands forward so my fingers laced in with his. He didn’t move his hands back but he didn’t fold them round mine like he could of.
—Well? he said.
—Oh god do you have to be such a copper about everything?
—What? he said. What do you mean?
—Everything has to be black and white with you doesn’t it? In your world we’re either having an affair or we aren’t.
—That’s right, he said. I want to know where we stand. Life’s hard enough without making it complicated.
—I do like you Terence Butcher. I get so lonely and I think you’re a good man and I think you understand me.
He grinned.
—Great, he said. We’re having an affair.
I shrugged. He was such a little boy sometimes.
—Alright then. Yes. Oh actually no. Come to think of it no. No it would never work you see. Trust me you don’t want anything to do with me Terence you don’t know what a state I’m in.
He shook his head.
—You’re fine, he said. There’s nothing wrong with you a couple of drinks won’t fix.
I held on tight to my glass and tried to block out my boy’s voice singing COUPLE OF DRINKS! COUPLE OF DRINKS! NOTHING WRONG WITH MUMMY.
—Yeah you’re right. I’m fine.
—That’s my girl, said Terence Butcher.
He leaned over the table and he stroked my face with both his hands. He pushed the hair off my face and he hooked it behind my ears just exactly the way my mum used to. I don’t suppose he knew how sweet he was being when he did that. I looked up from my G&T and I smiled at him I couldn’t help myself. Tears started up in my eyes. He smiled back. He moved his face closer to mine and he smudged the tears off my cheeks with his thumbs.
—There, he said. You’re too pretty for tears.
I leaned forward and kissed him on the lips there was nothing else for it. I held his top lip between my teeth very gentle and I breathed in his smell of ciggies and Guinness. He didn’t move a muscle. I sat back and looked at him.
—Same again?
—Mmm? he said.
—Guinness?
—Oh, he said. Yes. Yes please.
I smiled at him and I took our empties up to the bar and I nearly died of shock. Jasper Black was sitting up there on his own drinking a glass of red wine. He was looking the other way and I thought he might not of seen me but I had to stand quite close to him on account of there wasn’t much space at the bar. I asked the barman for another Guinness and another G&T and I made myself small but it was no good. Jasper Black winked and got down from his stool and came over to me. He looked better than I remembered. He looked like he’d had his blood drained out and sunshine pumped in instead. He was grinning and bouncing up and down full of beans but when he came close there were stains on his jacket and his eyes looked sore. He puffed out his chest and leaned his elbows back on the bar and I looked down at his feet and he was wearing black slip-on shoes and no socks.
—Hi, he said. No disrespect but I have to tell you you’re looking fantastic tonight.
—Jasper. What are you doing here?
—Me? he said. I’m drinking possibly the most disgusting Merlot it’s ever been my misfortune to be served. I’m guessing the bottle was opened several days ago and stored on a radiator.
—Well. You know. It’s a beer pub. If it’s Merlot you were after you’d of been best off going to a Merlot pub.
—Merlot pubs, he said. There’s a thought. Do they have them these days?
—Well I wouldn’t effing well know would I? I wouldn’t know Merlot from Tizer.
—Probably safest that way, he said. Anyway. I didn’t come in for the wine. I came in to see if you were alright.
—How’d you know I was here?
—I didn’t. I was walking past on my way home and I saw you coming in here with that man.
Jasper flicked his head back in Terence Butcher’s direction. Jasper Black’s hair was a right state. He’d had one of those haircuts where you don’t know if you should say that’s nice or sorry.
—I thought I’d pop in and stand by, he said. In case some misfortune was befalling you.
—Misfortune?
—I thought you might be in trouble, he said.
—Why?
—Your man is wearing a green polo shirt, he said. A lime-green polo shirt. I may not be blessed with Petra’s fashion acuity but I know a plonker when I see one. Your man is wearing beige Timberlands for Christ’s sake. A respectable man would not allow a chasm of such proportions to open up between himself and fashion. I was worried about you.
—You can talk. What the hell have you done to your hair?
—Oh do you like it? he said. I thought I’d treat myself to one of those Shoreditch hairdos. It’s great isn’t it? It’s like 7 haircuts in one. It depends what angle you look at it from.
—It looks a mess.
Jasper Black sniffed.
—Correction, he said. It looks destructured.
—Yeah right.
He flicked his head back at Terence Butcher again.
—I suppose Mr. Timberlands is your new boyfriend? he said.
I looked at the landlord. He’d half-filled the Guinness and it was sitting there waiting to settle. The creamy foam was swirling through the dark stuff. It was fighting to rise free it made me nervous. I looked back at Jasper.
—That’s Terence Butcher. He’s my boss.
—I was watching you together, said Jasper Black. Forgive me if I note that your relationship gives all outward appearances of having transcended the purely professional.
—Come again?
—Are you fucking him? he said.
—Don’t use that word.
—Well are you?
—Mind your own business.
—I miss you, he said. If you were fucking someone I’d very much rather it was me.
He grinned at me. His teeth weren’t very clean and his fingers were drumming on the bar. I looked over at Terence Butcher. He was watching me talking to Jasper Black and he didn’t look too pleased about it.
—Listen Jasper. My husband and my boy were torn to bits by rusty nails and bolts flying through the air at supersonic speed and then what was left of them was burned to cinders. All of it happened while I was fucking you so don’t blame me if it’s put me off.
Jasper Black leaned back on his bar stool and made a face like he’d just mistaken a dog turd for a KitKat Chunky.
—Jesus Christ woman, he said. I was only trying to be nice. Nothing personal but if you want my advice you need psychiatric help.
I stared at him.
—Yeah well I don’t see why I should take brain advice off a man with 7 haircuts.
I turned away from him. It’s funny how quick people can turn on you. The Guinness was finally ready and the landlord slid it across to me along with my G&T. I paid and picked up the drinks and started back to our table.
—Crazy fucking bitch, said Jasper Black.
He was off his head and he said it too loud. The whole pub stopped talking. Terence Butcher stood up. I stopped halfway back to our table holding the drinks. I was shaking. There was Guinness slopping everywhere. The smoke from everyone’s cigarettes was making me think of May Day and my legs started to wobble. Terence Butcher stepped up to me and put his arm around my shoulders. He was
staring over the top of my head at Jasper Black.
—Who’s that bloke? he said.
—No one. Just some plonker trying it on. Please just leave it okay?
I went over to our table and I put the drinks down.
—Sit down. Please Terence. Let’s just sit down and forget it.
He looked from me to Jasper and back.
—You sure? he said. Think carefully before you answer. I’m a very senior police officer. I have the resources of the entire Metropolitan Police Force at my disposal. I’m reasonably confident I could make this the worst night of that man’s life.
—No Terence. Please leave it.
I put my hand on his chest and I pushed him down into his chair. He let himself be pushed. He could be as good as gold that man.
We didn’t speak for the longest time after that. We just looked at each other and drank our drinks. I could feel the G&T starting to work. It was nice being out. Pubs were the best places for me really. I mean all the smoke made me nervous but I never actually saw my boy in pubs. They don’t serve the dead or anyone under 18.
When our drinks were finished Terence went up to the bar for another round. He stood right next to Jasper Black so their elbows were touching. They were both tall men and they didn’t say a word to each other and I couldn’t look it made me nervous. After a while Terence Butcher came back with 3 drinks. He’d got himself a whisky chaser with his Guinness and my G&T was a double. He slid mine over to me and sat down.
—Alright? he said.
—Yeah. Terence?
—Yes?
—Thanks for being good to me.
—It’s more than that, he said. I really like you. In fact I think I’m—
—Stop. Don’t say it.
He smiled.
—Sorry, he said.
He drank his whisky and put the glass down loudly on the table.
—Right, he said. So tell me what do we do now then. I’m a copper. I need rules. I haven’t done this before.
—Oh. Well I have god help me. It’s quite simple really and there are rules so you’ll be right at home. You start by telling me how you don’t have sex with your wife any more. That’s the hard bit for you. That isn’t something you ever ought to tell another girl so once you’ve said that then we’re both in it together. Then we have sex until your wife finds out and takes your kids to live at her mum’s place.
—You’re the perfect little optimist aren’t you? he said.
—Well. That’s just the way it works. I’m only saying.
Terence Butcher looked down into his pint. He made little circles with his finger in the creamy foam of his Guinness. I watched a thin line of blood start down his arm from under the lime-green sleeve of his polo shirt. The blood ran down the back of his hand and along his finger. Drip drip drip. It made bloody red craters in the creamy white head of his Guinness. He sighed and looked up at me.
—Tessa, he said. That’s my wife’s name. Loves the theatre does Tessa. We have to go once a fortnight. You like the theatre do you?
—Nah.
—Good, he said. The whole thing goes right over my head. Tessa must have dragged me along to a thousand plays by now and I still couldn’t tell you the difference between The Cherry Orchard and the magic forest from The Wizard of Oz. More drinks?
—Yeah go on.
Terence went to the bar and came back with the same again. Jasper Black followed him back to our table with his eyes. I gave Jasper a look and he looked back at me for a long time before he dropped his eyes. Terence sat down.
—Everything alright? he said.
—Mmm? Oh yeah. Fine thanks.
I picked up my new G&T and rattled the ice in it. Terence Butcher lit another ciggie and I took one too on account of I was drunk enough.
—We got married too fast, he said. Me and Tessa. In those days people still waited till they were married. It made you want to get on with it. We were married 3 months and 3 days after our first date. It’s all a bit of a blur. I remember standing at the altar and saying I do. I remember kissing the bride. And then I turned round and looked at everyone in the church. That’s when I noticed I was out of my depth. On my side of the congregation there were all my mates from the force plus all their wives and girlfriends. They were a nice enough bunch but you could tell the suits were on hire if you know what I mean. Whereas on Tessa’s side. The bride’s side I mean. There were lawyers. Stockbrokers. An unbelievable number of ladies in hats. Their own hats I’m reasonably sure.
—You poor bugger.
—I noticed it all in a flash, he said. Us coppers are known for our powers of observation.
He swallowed half his Guinness and banged the glass down and laughed.
—Christ, he said. It looked less like a congregation and more like the two sides lining up for the English Civil War. I looked back at Tessa and I saw her looking out over the church too. She was trying to be brave but I could tell she’d just seen the same thing I’d seen. There it was. All laid out before us. Tessa looked at me and from that moment I don’t think we were under any illusion. I don’t think you could really say it was love after that. The theatre. Child rearing. United front. But not really love.
—Sex?
—Yes, he said. Every now and then until the mid-90s. I can’t say I was sorry when it stopped. Tessa had this way of making me feel like I was walking across her carpet with muddy boots on. She used to lie very still and not make a sound. I’d look into her eyes when we were making love. It was like looking through church windows from the outside.
—Poor you.
—Don’t mind me, he said. I’m fine. I just get like this when I’ve had a drink or two.
—I reckon a bloke like you deserves more from a marriage.
—What I have with Tessa is not a marriage, he said. It’s a nuclear class war.
He gripped his pint so hard I was scared it was going to break. I put my hand on his wrist and he looked up at me.
—Know what’s different about you? he said. Warmth. That’s what I get with you that I don’t get with Tessa. Basic human warmth. Can I tell you something?
—Go on.
Terence Butcher blushed.
—I sometimes imagine you and me in bed together, he said. But not having sex. Just talking. It’s the morning and we’re away somewhere in my caravan and the sun’s coming through the windows. We’re miles from London. You can see the specks of dust glowing in the air above us. Everything’s very quiet and still. And we’re chatting away and suddenly you turn towards me and you ruffle my hair. That’s all. You ruffle my hair and we smile because we understand one another.
I smiled at him and put my hand on his face.
—That’s nice.
He leaned towards me.
—Would you do it? he said. Would you come away with me for a weekend? We’d take the caravan down to the coast. Brighton maybe. Or Worthing. What do you say?
—I’m not sure.
—I’m not sure either, he said. They’ve got better facilities at Worthing but it’s quite dear so maybe Brighton would be a better bet.
—I mean I’m not sure whether we should go at all. What about your wife?
—I don’t think we’d take her, he said. It’s quite a small caravan you see and Tessa comes with rather a lot of baggage. Breeding. Family money. The people who have it aren’t like you and me. They’ll be polite enough to you. But try to get too close and they’ll put back that distance. Try to step inside their circle and they’ll close ranks. Us and them are not the same species. Don’t make the same mistake I made. Don’t ever get involved with the upper classes.
—Shall we have another drink?
Terence Butcher stood up.
—Alright, he said. Stay there. I’ll go.
He took our empties back to the bar and I sat there thinking about Jasper Black and Petra Sutherland. Terence was 100 percent right god help me I never should of got involved but I couldn’t think about that now on account of I was
having trouble balancing on my seat and I needed a wee. I got up from our table and I picked up my handbag and walked over to the Ladies. I wasn’t too steady on my pins.
There were 2 cubicles in there and wouldn’t you know it I picked the one with no lock on the door. It’s sod’s law only you probably call it something different down your neck of the woods Osama like THE DIVINE WILL OF THE PROPHET but my point is there were 2 cubicles and I chose the one with no lock on the door and I was so desperate for a wee that I didn’t care so I just pulled my knickers down and sat on the seat and did my wee while I held the toilet door closed with my foot.
I was doing my wee and thinking about what Terence Butcher said. I thought about ruffling his hair in the caravan with the sun coming in very bright through the windows and my boy laughing and doing somersaults on the long grass outside. My boy was giggling. He was ever so happy. He had his yellow wellies on. When he’d had enough of somersaulting we’d go for a walk. Him and me and Terence Butcher. We’d laugh and play 1–2–3 Whoops! and find some puddles for the boy to splash in.
I was so happy. Suddenly I really could see myself with Terence Butcher. I started whispering to my husband don’t worry love I’ll never forget you but you know how it is. You’d of wanted me to find someone wouldn’t you? You wouldn’t of wanted me to drift and blow away all alone like some old carrier bag. I smiled it was like all the emptiness was draining out of me with my wee. I sat there on the toilet for a little while after my wee was finished. I closed my eyes and hugged myself because for the first time in I don’t know how long I wasn’t feeling nervous. I was smiling because just for the moment I didn’t see flames and I didn’t hear screaming. I was smiling because my life wasn’t empty any more it was ready to be filled. There’s a difference you see Osama and that difference is called HOPE.
But when I opened my eyes I stopped smiling straight away because Jasper Black was standing in the door of the cubicle. I pulled my legs together and hugged my arms round my knees so he couldn’t see anything.
—What the hell do you think you’re doing?
—You left the door open, said Jasper Black. I thought you wanted company.
He came into the cubicle and closed the door behind him and leaned back on it. He stood there for the longest time just looking down at me with his 7 haircuts and his stupid grin. He looked a bit unsteady on his pins too. I should think he was more drunk than I was.