—Go where? said Jasper. I must get to the paper it’ll be all hands to the pump this is huge.
—Bollocks to the Sunday bloody Telegraph. My husband and my boy are at that game.
—Oh my god, said Jasper. Yes of course they are.
—You can take me in your car.
—I’m afraid there’s no chance, said Jasper. All the roads will be completely blocked.
—I don’t think you heard me. My husband and my boy are at that game. I need to get them home.
I was crying now and I couldn’t see straight. I was shaking I was thinking please god don’t let them be hurt. Jasper Black looked at me standing there all skin and pubes and tears. Then he looked at Sophie Raworth on the telly and he looked at the clock.
—3:30, he said. We don’t go to press for another 6 hours.
I was thinking please god don’t let them be hurt or if they must be hurt please make it so it’s only a little bit. Please god it would be alright if one of them had a cut or something. Even a broken arm. But not the boy okay? I don’t want him hurt. If there must be a broken arm oh god it ought to be my husband he’s a strong bloke he could handle it. He’d make the best of it he’d have a plaster cast and all his mates would sign it. I looked at Jasper Black.
—Please. Please. I need you to take me to the stadium.
—Look, he said. The emergency services can handle this. They don’t need people getting in their way.
—You don’t understand. My husband’s leaving the force. He’s going to tell his boss first thing Monday morning. We’re going to be safe. Please help me get them home. Him and the boy. So I can make them their tea. Please please please.
I was howling now I was standing in front of the telly with my arms crossed over my tits and there was snot coming out of my nose.
—Oh god, said Jasper. Look at you you poor thing. I’m being a complete prick of course I’ll drive you there. You mustn’t worry I’m sure they’re both fine.
—Thank you oh thank you I just need to get them back here that’s all.
—Yes of course, said Jasper.
He looked very serious. I went to the front door.
—Stop, he said. You’re not wearing anything.
I looked down at myself.
—Oh yeah.
I went back to the kitchen and pulled on my clothes. My jeans had ketchup on from where my boy squirted the bottle too hard at breakfast.
—Oh dear these aren’t very clean. I’ll just go and change them.
—No, said Jasper. If we’re going we must go now.
* * *
The street was empty. Everyone was inside watching their tellies it was just me and Jasper Black out there. We got into his car. Like my husband said it was a lovely motor but I didn’t really notice. I was thinking what I was going to make for tea when we all got safely back. Chicken nuggets probably. Jasper Black started the motor. It didn’t sound like our Astra it sounded angry it made me tremble. We drove off fast. The tyres squeaked and we flew over all the speed bumps. It didn’t matter on account of any other cars there were had pulled over to listen to their radios. We drove past Jesus Green and nobody was walking their dogs there. We turned onto Columbia Road and there was nobody shopping. No wasters drinking cider from cans and no yummie mummies pushing their babies in 3-wheel buggies.
—It was like this when Charles and Di got married.
—What on earth are you talking about? said Jasper Black.
—The empty streets. The Royal Wedding. I was only a little girl but I remember the streets were empty like this. Everyone was inside watching it on telly weren’t they? I went out in the middle of it to get sweets and it was just like this. It was like the world had stopped. Then it was like this again when she died wasn’t it? Everyone stayed inside. Nobody could believe it. We were all watching the news.
—Yes, said Jasper Black. Well listen it isn’t Diana this time it’s something quite else. I think you need to prepare yourself mentally. I really don’t know if it’s a good idea me taking you there like this. I don’t know if it’s the right thing for you.
—Don’t worry about me. It can’t be as bad as when Diana died. And we all got through that didn’t we?
Jasper Black just looked at me.
—Why don’t you take a few deep breaths? he said.
We were racing through Hoxton when I saw it. The tower of smoke ahead of us. It must of been miles away still but it was so tall. I followed it down from very high in the blue sky getting darker and darker as it got nearer the ground. Near the top it just seemed to drift but at the bottom before it disappeared behind the tower blocks you could see the black smoke boiling. It looked angry and urgent like it was late for something.
—Deep deep breaths, said Jasper. Just keep breathing for me there’s a good girl.
We turned onto the New North Road. I watched the tower of smoke growing bigger dead ahead while Jasper Black drove us like crazy. When we got onto Canonbury Road there were cars and buses just stopped in the middle of the street. People had their doors open they were standing there listening to their radios and watching the smoke. Jasper Black swerved round all of them. The tyres screeched the motor roared and we kept going but it was getting tight. There were coppers at Highbury and Islington. They had the Holloway Road all closed off with cones and bikes with their lights going but we managed to get off up Highbury Crescent and into the backstreets.
The tower of smoke was bigger now. It was fat and horrible. Great sheets of black were blowing off it and spreading all around us. It was starting to get dark. Jasper Black turned the headlights on and got the wipers going. He pressed some button on the dashboard to stop the outside air coming into the car but it was no good. I started coughing and so did he. He slowed down and we weaved through all these ambulances that were stopped on Bryantwood Road and then we had to stop too. We didn’t have a choice. There was a girl lying in the road.
We’d sped up again just before I saw her. We were nearly on top of her. Stop stop stop I shouted. Jasper stamped on the brakes and turned the wheel hard. The brakes locked and we skidded sideways up the street. I was looking out of the window on my side. I was watching the girl coming closer and closer. Her eyes were open staring into the sky. She wasn’t moving. She was wearing a Chelsea shirt. I remember thinking it would be a shame if we hit her. Even if she was only a Chelsea fan.
The next thing I remember was Jasper pulling me out of his motor. There was this huge crushing thing in the front seat with me. It was all pushed into my face and my tits and it was hurting me. I could hardly breathe.
—What’s this big thing?
—It’s the airbag, said Jasper. It saved your life I should think.
—Who are you?
—My name is Jasper Black, he said. We hardly know one another. We’ve had sex twice. I am very fond of you. I was driving you to a football ground that exploded.
—Oh. Yes I remember you now. You’re very kind to me.
—Does anything hurt? he said. Do you think I can safely move you?
His voice was different. I looked at him. There was blood on his face and his nose wasn’t quite where it ought to of been. I giggled I don’t know why. He pulled me out of the motor. My legs were shaky but they held me up. I looked at the car. We’d gone into a parked van and everything was bent and broken.
—Oh no. Your beautiful motor. It’s all spoiled. And your poor face.
I reached up to push his nose back into the right place but he wouldn’t let me. He grabbed my wrist.
—It’s okay, he said. It’s been broken before it’s no big deal.
—Oh my god. The girl.
—We missed her, said Jasper Black.
—Oh good. Where is she?
—She’s over there, he said.
I looked where he was pointing and I saw her. She was still just lying there in her Chelsea shirt looking up into the smoke. I remember thinking that was pretty casual. I
went over to her with Jasper Black holding me steady and I kneeled down beside her. I shook her and I asked if she was okay.
—She won’t answer.
—That’s because she’s dead I’m afraid, said Jasper Black.
The girl was so pretty. She was an ASIAN STUNNER. She looked Chinese but she was too pale. She could of done with a bit of makeup. I stroked her face and her skin was very soft. Around us there was a terrible noise of sirens. All the car alarms in the whole street were going off and the hazard warning lights were flashing through the smoke and the darkness. It was a terrible noise but the girl just lay there. She looked ever so peaceful. She didn’t look like someone whose side had been losing 1–nil. Then I noticed there was a red streak coming out from under her head and running away to the kerb. All the blood had gone out of her and into the storm drains it made me nervous. I stood up.
—Come on. Let’s go and find my husband and my boy. Never mind your car. We can all get home on the bus.
I walked off up the road with the smoke hurting my lungs. I was coughing and dribbling I couldn’t help it. It was getting darker. Jasper Black came with me. He was coughing too and there was blood pouring off his face. Now in the darkness I saw them. First just a few and then so many. Some wore red shirts some wore blue shirts and some had their shirts off so you couldn’t tell. They were coming down the street towards us and they made no sound. Their eyes were wide and glassy and quite often they stumbled but they never blinked. There must of been hundreds of them shuffling out of the smoke. All of them with their eyes huge and wide like things pulled up from very deep in the sea.
A blond woman came towards us. She was wearing gold earrings and an Arsenal shirt and pink Kappa trackie bottoms. Her makeup was nice and her nails were done but she was screaming again and again and again. I wondered how come she was screaming when everyone else was so quiet. She went past us still screaming and I turned to watch her go past. Then I saw what it was. On her back she wasn’t wearing anything at all. The Arsenal shirt and the Kappa trackies were all burned off her. There was just burned skin all the way up her legs and her back. You could see where her knickers had melted into her. The back of her head looked like something you take out of the oven. She disappeared into the smoke still screaming screaming screaming and I wondered why nobody was helping her. Then I remembered my husband and my boy and I forgot all about the woman.
I grabbed the next person that came past. He was a small man with a thin moustache about 50 years old I suppose. I grabbed him round the shoulders. He stopped and looked at me the way my boy used to look at strangers when he was 9 months old. All unsure.
—Have you seen my husband and my son? Have you seen them please? Think carefully my husband is a tall man 6 foot 1 very strong wearing an Arsenal shirt. My son is about this high he is quite strong too for his age he has ginger hair he would of been carrying a rabbit the rabbit is about so big he has purple paws and green ears his name is Mr. Rabbit.
The man stared at me.
—You’re going the wrong way darling, he said.
—Please. Please think carefully.
The man broke free. He went away down the street. I started shouting.
—HAS ANYONE SEEN A LITTLE BOY? HAVEN’T ANY OF YOU SEEN A LITTLE BOY 4 YEARS AND 3 MONTHS OLD? HE MIGHT HAVE A RABBIT WITH HIM OR HE MIGHT NOT.
Nobody stopped. They were all pushing past me. They smelled of smoke and sweat and burned meat. I was crying again. Jasper Black was beside me.
—Come on, he said. Let’s get you out of here. This is the wrong place for you.
He tried to turn me round but I shook him off.
—No. I’m going to find my chaps. You can come with me or not I don’t care.
I went on up the street. It got darker and darker. My eyes hurt so bad I had to close them and I just carried on blindly bumping into people and motors. It was like going up a horrible river. I just made sure I kept on in the other direction from the people I bumped into. I was close to the stadium now. Whenever I opened my eyes there were coppers and firemen all mixed up with the people. The firemen had these masks on and tubes attached to big air tanks on their backs. They were going the same way I was. I held on to the back of one of the firemen and I walked along behind him for a while letting him make a way for me.
We came up under one of the huge entrances all metal and glass soaring up into the black sky. There were coppers there and press. The press were trying to get in. They were pushing into the police line and jumping all over the place flashing off their cameras into the smoke. The coppers wouldn’t let them into the stadium and there was shoving and fights. I got down on my hands and knees and crawled in through the legs of the whole lot of them. I got kicked around and stamped on something terrible. I felt things break inside me but I kept on crawling. My elbows got torn ragged and I couldn’t breathe. It hurt so bad but I didn’t care. I was going to find my boy.
The ground started to get slippery under me. I was inside the stadium now. I could tell because the noise of car alarms was fading. All I could hear was shouts and police radios and people screaming. I was very weak. I knew there was stuff burst inside me because I looked under my T-shirt and my tummy was swelling up from the inside. I tried to stand but I fell over straight away. The ground was so wet and slippery and I was so messed up. I thought if I tried to crawl upwards I might get to dry ground. I found these steps and I started to go up them and this wet sticky stuff was running down and then I smelled it and I puked and puked. I was crawling to find my boy up a waterfall of blood and now it had my puke in it too.
I don’t know how long I dragged myself through the smoke and the crackle of the police radios with the firemen’s boots stamping down all around me. It was very hot and the blood hurt when it dried on my face. Someone stood on my hand. I heard it break. I heard the bones crunch past each other and I saw my thumb sticking out all funny but I couldn’t feel it. I was thinking nothing much. I was thinking of those 3 kids turning slow circles on their bikes. Of me lying next to my husband and listening to him breathe.
I went up steps and down steps with dead bodies and bits of bodies lying all over them. The bodies were like islands in a river with the blood all piled up in sticky clots on their uphill sides. After a long time I felt grass under my hands and I knew I was on the pitch.
The floodlights were on. I could see them shimmering in the sky through the smoke. I crawled until I found the halfway line and then I followed that until I got to the centre circle. I suppose I had the idea I’d be able to see more from there. But in the centre circle there were just 2 men fighting. One of them was wearing a Chelsea shirt the other one was Arsenal. I crawled closer to them. I wanted to ask if they’d seen my boy.
The 2 men fighting weren’t players they were supporters. They were both big lads with bellies. I suppose they were the YOBS THAT GIVE FOOTBALL A BAD NAME. The one in the Arsenal shirt was burned very bad you could see the bone showing through his arm. The one in the Chelsea shirt had mostly lost an ear it was hanging off the side of his head upside down. The Arsenal man hit the Chelsea man in the face with his fist and he grabbed a big lump of something the Chelsea one had been carrying. The Chelsea one fell but he stood up again and he kicked the Arsenal man in the privates. Kicked him so hard he dropped the lump again and the Chelsea man grabbed it. Can’t you see he’s Arsenal you wanker? the Arsenal man shouted. He’s one of ours. No shouted the Chelsea man I know who this is we paid 4 million for him last year. Bollocks you did the Arsenal man shouted and he hit the Chelsea man in the stomach and grabbed for the lump but he missed and it rolled across the turf towards me.
When I saw what they’d been fighting over I fell unconscious and I stayed that way for 3 days.
* * *
Well Osama I sometimes think we deserve whatever you do to us. Maybe you are right maybe we are infidels. Even when you blow us into chunks we don’t stop fighting each other. I suppose you heard the details on the radio did you? It must of been strange
for you sitting there in your cave with your Kalashnikov. I suppose you were sitting out on the rocks before dawn listening to the goat bells when one of your men came over to you. Did he say Hey boss turn on the radio we did it we blew up Arsenal’s shiny new stadium? Did you smile? Did you hear the news breaking while you watched the sun rise over the mountains?
They stopped the Premiership but it was weeks before the score stopped rising. At first they said 700 dead but it went up and up. The survivors wouldn’t stop dying you see. They had so many bits blown off them they couldn’t really help themselves.
Did you wake up early each morning with the air very crisp and cold in your cave high up above the valley? Did you step outside and stretch and piss against a rock? Did you watch the shepherds driving the goats up the hillside? Did you sit in a high place where you could look down on the whole valley? Did you clean your Kalashnikov while you waited for the sun to come round the shoulder of the mountain and warm you up? Did you turn on the radio and listen to the death toll rise to 750 to 800 to 912?
912 was what it was at when I woke up in hospital. The sheets were very stiff and white. The radio was on in the ward. 912 dead it said. A nurse came in. She saw I was awake and she came over to me.
—Are you alright dear? she said.
—Do you have any news? Do you know if my husband and my boy are alright?
—Steady on dear. We don’t even know who you are yet. In a while someone will be along to ask you some questions but for the moment you just try to get some rest.
—But I’ve got to know now. I’ve got to know where they are.
—Just get some rest dear, said the nurse. I’ll send someone along.
I started screaming then. The nurse brought a doctor over and he gave me an injection. It was very nice I went straight back to sleep.