Chapter 1
Christmas Ball
“What time is Jake picking you up?” Sarah asked, as she sat in the salon chair next to me. “Charlie’s coming straight here since we need to get to the Christmas Ball a little earlier to help set up. Emily. Emily Logan. What are you daydreaming about? You haven’t answered my question. What time is Jake coming to pick you up?”
Ugh! The Christmas Ball! Why had I agreed to go to this event? All of our college friends would be there. Although it had been eighteen months since the breakup, I dreaded seeing Max and his new girlfriend tonight.
Max Davis. My first love. My world.
We had dated throughout undergrad, and he was the absolute love of my life. He was tall, good looking, and extremely intelligent. His sandy-brown hair and matching brown eyes didn’t stand out until he smiled. His tender smile melted my heart and made me smile along with him.
He was probably the smartest in our group of friends, but not as driven as I would have liked. His lack of motivation didn’t keep me from being absolutely crazy about him. I thought he was it. I would marry no other but Max…until, he dumped me on graduation night. Sadness filled my heart again.
“Um…I’m not sure.” I hesitated with my answer.
“What do you mean you’re not sure? You did invite Jake to this ball?”
“Yeah, I did, last night when he came over for dinner.” Sarah’s eyebrows arched up, which signaled bad things to come. That meant there would be more questions followed by a reprimand. Being the oldest of four siblings, Sarah was a bit motherly toward me, the adult orphan.
“Emily! You asked him to this function last night? What if he had to work? As it is, he’s always working. What did he say?”
“Well, he wasn’t too happy with me. He accused me of not wanting to go because I wasn’t over Max.” From the corner of my eyes I saw Sarah’s head plop into her hands while she made an ugly groaning sound. “And I was stupid enough to tell him that though I didn’t like Max anymore, I still hurt a lot from our breakup.” Sarah groaned even louder.
I regretted my honesty last night. Jake and I had been dating six weeks, and from day one, I expounded upon my past more than necessary.
“Then I was an even bigger idiot and called what Jake and I have not a relationship but ‘whatever it is that we have.’ That’s when he got up and left in the middle of dinner.”
“Emily!” The groan, the sigh…every exasperated noise came out in a flurry. “I thought everything was going so well with you two. When you and I were in New York over Thanksgiving, Charlie and I had a bet going on about you.” She smiled in a weird way.
“What bet was that?”
“Which day you would come crying telling me you had to go home to see Jake. You were miserable without him.”
“I was not…well, I guess I kind of was.” My lips pursed, apologetically. “So who won?”
“Charlie. He said you’d feel too guilty to confess, but he was sure Jake would fly into New York to see you instead.”
“He almost did. I had to hold him back.” I laughed. “Anyhow, he texted last night and said he’s coming over around 6:00pm. He’s going to shower and get ready at my place.”
“Isn’t that a bit dangerous?” Always on the naughty side, her questions confounded my simple mind.
“Why would it be dangerous?” I asked naively.
“Are you kidding me? I’ve never met such a gorgeous doctor in my life!”
“Don’t be silly. We’ve done nothing naughty, to your dismay.”
“Didn’t you practically make out with him the first day you met him? And how old are you?” Sarah questioned. “Aren’t you beyond the age of making a boy wait so long before letting him do anything other than kiss you?”
Sarah always poked fun at what she called my “unnecessary modesty.”
“I’m twenty-four and he’s thirty. Yeah, that first weekend we met was crazy. It was so unlike me. Anyhow, we’ve only had a handful of dates now. I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong. We just haven’t gotten to know each other well enough,” I retorted with a laugh. “Mind your own business.”
“What does your dress look like, Emily?” Jon, my hairdresser, interrupted. “And what shall we do with this long brunette mane of yours today?”
“It’s a black low-cut sleeveless dress. It’s fitted from top to bottom. I’m going to wear black heels with it. Do what you like with my hair.”
“Ok.” As soon as Jon answered me, his eyes twinkled. “I think I know what I want to do. How about a sleek tie back? I think that will accentuate your high cheekbones.”
“Sure.” It didn’t really matter. At five feet five inches, I’d always been on the slender side but since the breakup I’d lost a considerable amount of weight. I knew I looked unhealthy, but there wasn’t much I could do…not much I wanted to do.
It took forever to get my hair and nails done. I figured while here, a facial would do wonders for my dry skin, and an aesthetician could apply my makeup. She did a great job coloring my eyes a smoky black and brushing my pale cheeks with enough blush to give them a slightly flushed look. The lipstick we picked out was the shade of a perfectly blossomed rose. Why not look good? Whether for the present date, the ex, or his new girlfriend, looking good was definitely the best revenge—though, a part of me felt guilty for thinking this.
“Wow, Emily. You look great!” exclaimed Charlie.
“Hey, what about me?” Sarah pouted. “I’m your girlfriend!”
“You’re always gorgeous,” he said lightly, kissing her pale pink lips.
“See you two later,” I called out as we left the salon. “Are we sitting together? Jake won’t know too many people there. Put us at a good table, please.”
“Don’t worry!” They chuckled. Something about the undercurrent of those two words worried me.
I glanced at my watch. Yikes! Running late, I dashed to my car in four-inch heels and a dress that was a size too big on me.
Jake was already at my door when I pulled into my driveway. My house, a small Craftsman about eighteen hundred square feet, sat on a beautifully tree-lined street. I had saved all my money while working through college, then saved another year’s worth of my pitiful teacher’s pay to put a down payment on this beautiful old home. Built in 1922, it had good bones. Wood beams ran across the ceilings and crown moldings outlined every room. There was a Batchelder fireplace on one end of the living room and built-in cabinets in each room. The bathrooms needed a bit of updating, but to me this house was perfection. I was proud to be a homeowner every time I drove up my long driveway.
Dr. Jake Reid—another picture of perfection. He was absolutely gorgeous. He was my ideal man at six feet tall, fair skin, jet-black hair, and blue eyes the color of Tahitian water. Women nurses probably swooned at the very sight of this dashing doctor. If they found out, the women at the hospital wouldn’t be too happy to know he was dating someone. I literally ran into him at the supermarket while tiptoeing on a shelf, reaching for a box of cereal. With the cereal in hand, my one foot tripped over the other foot and I bumped into him hard enough to knock us both down. Twisting my ankle from this misstep, Jake was kind enough to take me to his hospital’s ER where he stayed with me for three hours. That night, he asked for my number, and six weeks and several dates later, I invited him to accompany me to this ball.
The sight of him made me giddy with joy. After last night’s argument, I thought he might have had second thoughts about escorting me. My actions probably frustrated him. Unintentional, but aggravating all the same, I played an unfair game of keep away with my heart—almost giving, then taking back at will. Jake was never shy about expressing his feelings for me. Though his job as a doctor kept him working like a madman, he made sure I knew he cared for me. Within a handful of dates, Jake had managed to fill the void left by my parents who had passed away years ago.
Jake showered me with both love and attention from the very night I met him. Whenever we separated
, emptiness followed. How odd that a man I met less than two months ago could have such an effect on me.
“Hi, Jake. I’m so happy to see you. Have you been waiting long? I wish you had called me.” I rushed out of the car as quickly as possible. Jake walked over to greet me.
“Hi, Beautiful. You look stunning,” he murmured, kissing my cheek. “Do you not have your phone on you? I called and texted all day but you never answered. You had me worried.”
“Sorry. I guess I forgot my phone at home.” I stopped to hug him. “I’m really happy you’re here. Let’s go in. You can use the guest room to get ready.”
“Did you not believe me last night when I said I was coming to pick you up at six?”
In all honesty, I didn’t know what to believe. Even with his apology via text late last night, I wasn’t convinced that he wanted to attend this ball with me. A teeny tiny part of me also wished to attend alone—though I’d never admit this to Jake or even to Sarah. It had been eighteen months since I’d seen Max. As to how I’d react when I saw him again was anybody’s guess.
“Well?” he prodded.
I smiled and answered, “Go in and get dressed.”
Fortunately, he didn’t push for an answer but he began to take off his scrubs before closing the bathroom door. His body look liked one of the many replica statues of Michelangelo’s David that populated the city of Florence. His body and face were close to perfection.
Deep breaths!
I went in my room to look over my dress, added a strand of pearls, and touched up my makeup while Jake got ready.
Jake walked into the living room wearing a black tuxedo, and he looked perfect.
“You look amazing,” he exclaimed, putting both arms around my waist. I smiled, embarrassed and guilt-ridden, as I wasn’t quite sure who I had gotten this dolled up for—him or the ex.
“You look pretty amazing yourself. I’m going to have to fight off all the ladies in the ballroom,” I teased.
Jake shook his head in laughter and reached for my fingers. Hand in hand we walked to his car, and for the first time in a very long time, my heart rejoiced at the longing, the awakening I felt. Like a musician dusting off the cobwebs of a neglected instrument, I wanted to play again. I wanted to excel and perform in the symphony again. My heart wanted to love again.
Yes, I would let go of the pain that had lived in me for so long and tonight, with Jake and Max in the same room, would be the test.
“So what kind of college student were you?” Jake asked even before we got into the car.
“What do you mean?”
“You look like the straight-A sorority girl with lots of friends. Is my assessment correct?” Jake had a know-it-all grin on his face.
“You are so wrong about me.” I gave him a don’t-think-you-have-me-figured-out-already look. “I did well in English and history but struggled miserably through math and science. Those were probably your best subjects, huh?”
“I had to do well in those subjects. Look at the profession I chose. But weren’t you popular in school?” He reached over and held my hand.
“Nope. I had a few close friends, along with Max, and that was it. Can’t you tell by my overwhelming enthusiasm to all your advances that I’m as shy as they come?” I joked with my date. “To your dismay, I’m sure, you’re dating an introvert who will frustrate you with her self-doubt and vacillation. I might as well have blinking lights and a hazard sign on me.” At this point, I couldn’t help but let out a giggle. “Does my testimony scare you?” From what I had seen of Jake, I was confident it wouldn’t.
“You have to do a lot more than that to scare me.” He leaned over for a kiss. “What I see is a kind and gentle spirit who looks out for others before thinking of herself, and who likes me a lot more than she’s willing to admit.”
Now we both broke into a chortle. Hard to admit, but he was right. Like was not a strong enough word—adoration, bordering on love? Perhaps love wasn’t the right emotion, but whatever I felt, it wasn’t public knowledge, yet. Though my heart thumped arrhythmically whenever Jake was around and his presence caused much bliss and anxiety at the same time, I was too afraid to give my heart completely to anyone again. I’d have to profess my heart to him soon—possibly tonight if we got the chance.
After valeting Jake’s car and walking into the hotel lobby, a thousand twinkling lights cascaded off the chandelier above us. We marveled at each Christmas tree, meticulously decorated in a multicultural theme. Jake held my hand, and as we strolled into the ballroom, my nerves jingled not much differently than the Christmas bells nearby.
Our ballroom, decorated in a White Christmas theme, rivaled New York City’s Rockefeller Plaza. The tree, the ornaments, and decorations perfectly displayed the Christmas spirit.
“Emily!” shouted all my college friends whom I had avoided since the breakup, “it’s so good to see you. Where have you been? You’ve lost so much weight,” they all said at once as they veered me away from my date.
“Who is that gorgeous man you are with?” They all whispered not only to me, but also among themselves.
“Jake,” I called, pulling him back to my side, “this is Becca, Lizzy, and Christie. We have all been roommates at some point throughout my four years in undergrad.”
“Ladies, this is Jake.”
“Hello, Jake!” they all sang out at once.
“Hi.” He grinned his irresistible smile. Jake was always good at conversation and my college friends looked more than happy to converse.
“Jake, I’m going to go see Sarah and Charlie and get us checked in. Hang here with all the gals, will you?” I walked away amused, knowing Jake was in for a long talk with the girls.
While walking toward my best friend and her boyfriend of almost nine years, I nervously scanned the room for Max and his date. Relief washed over me. Perhaps they would be absent tonight? I could only hope.
“Hey,” I called out to the lovebirds. “Where are we sitting?”
“Um…”
Their answer, filled with enough hesitation, made my nerves rattle again. This was not going to be an answer I would like to hear.
“You’re with Peter, Will, James, Christie, me, Charlie and Max and Jennifer.” Sarah spoke so quickly I had to repeat all the names in my head before everything clicked.
“What?” I bellowed. I could see a few heads turning my way. Anger boiled inside me to a point where I wanted to disown my best friend. “Why, Sarah? Why did you do this to me?”
Sarah looked scared. She could tell by my voice that she and Charlie had just ruined the whole night for me. “I thought you were OK with seeing him again. I also thought it would be sweet revenge for Max to see you with Jake.”
“Aw, Sarah…I only came here because of you and Charlie. You know I didn’t want to be here.” As soon as I finished saying these words, a familiar presence stood close behind me. Even in a crowded room I could pick out his footsteps or the sound of his breath. How much of our conversation had he heard? My body turned in fear and anticipation, and he looked at me surprised, almost shocked. His boyish good looks still moved my heart. I hoped he couldn’t read the combined joy and sadness in my eyes. I had missed him.
“Em…ily,” Max stuttered. Em was what he called me during our four years of courtship. Em was what he breathed every time we kissed. Nobody dared to call me Em, because it was exclusively his. It was a jolt through my system to hear my nickname again.
“Hi.” I managed a whisper.
Right at this moment, almost as though it were timed, Jake walked over, put his arms around me, and forced his lips on mine. My cheeks grew hotter by the length of his kiss. I heard Sarah make some saucy comment about our public display of affection.
“What was that?” I whispered when he finally let go.
“Payback.” Minus the smile, it sounded like a threat. “Why did you run away and leave me with those women?”
After the shock of the embrace wore off, I started to laugh. Even wi
th Max and Jennifer standing two footsteps away, my only thoughts were on Jake and the awkward situation I had created for him with my former roommates.
“You didn’t like my friends? I’m sure they liked you.” I laughed at him.
“I missed you. Don’t leave my side tonight. I don’t want to be apart from you, OK?”
I agreed to his request by nodding my head yes.
“I’m sorry,” Jake spoke, glancing at our broken conversation. “Was I interrupting something?”
“No…um, this is Max. Max, this is Jake.” As I introduced the past to the present, I saw Max’s disconcerted face as he greeted Jake. Obviously, none of our friends had mentioned to him I was seeing someone. Funny. No one had any difficulties telling me about Max and Jennifer.
“Hi. It’s nice to meet you, Max.” As Jake greeted Max, my eyes darted back and forth, stealing glances at both men. I didn’t know who I was more nervous for—me, Jake, or Max. Nor, could I figure out what gave away my anxiety more—my twitching body or the hitched breath.
“Nice meeting you too,” Max stammered to let out the rest of his sentence. “And this is my girlfriend, Jennifer.”
Girlfriend. Max might as well have taken a whack at my heart with a baseball bat. I didn’t think such an innocuous word could bruise me so severely. How could he have dated her so quickly after our breakup? I hurt watching Max hold another girl’s hand. That was my place and he was my love. All the painful feelings I had worked hard to suppress in the last eighteen months resurfaced.
Jake was quick to understand my distress. He cordially said good-bye for us while I tried to act as normal as possible. After my confession to Jake last night, he knew how hard this was for me. Sensing my withdrawal, he stopped me and held me close to his heart. I was grateful for this understanding man.
“You OK?” He didn’t ask in any accusatory way, but I noticed he was holding back his own discomfort. The gentle look, the soothing tone, he calmed me, and I decided to let go of my hurt—at least for now.
“Yes. I’m OK. Are you sorry you came tonight? Isn’t this what you didn’t want to see—me being rattled by the sight of Max and his new girlfriend?”
“You seemed more rattled by watching the rest of our reactions. Emily, seeing you anxious doesn’t make me happy, and I have to apologize to you for my behavior last night. There was no reason for me to be so angry, and I definitely shouldn’t have walked out on you and our dinner. I’m all right seeing you and Max together. Can we let this go for now and have a long-overdue talk when this function is over?”
I answered yes with a light kiss to his lips. Jake was an amazing man. Bypassing his own pain of seeing me hurt over Max, he did his best to lessen my discomfiture. Without a doubt, this man cared for me deeply. To show him my appreciation, I chose to put aside my feelings and enjoy the rest of the night with him.
Spotting Peter, I said, “Let’s go meet some of my friends. I see them at our table. One more thing…” I had to confess, “Max and Jennifer are at our table. I hope you don’t mind. Sarah and Charlie thought it would be funny to have us all together. I’m sorry.” I didn’t bother hiding my annoyance with the two of them.
“I’ll have a talk with them when I run into them later tonight,” Jake added in an intimidating way, which made me laugh. “You sure everything is OK?”
“It is now,” I answered confidently, knowing Jake would protect me tonight.
“Peter!” The friend I most wanted to see since the breakup jumped out of his seat and hugged me. “I’ve missed you so much!”
“Where have you been? We see each other every day for four years, and then you go AWOL on me the last year and a half. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought that you’ve been avoiding me and the whole gang.”
“Peter, I want you to meet my date. This is Jake.”
“Jake, this is Peter, my friend, my quasi brother.”
“It’s nice meeting you, Jake. When did you and Emily start dating? She never told anyone she was seeing someone.” Peter looked at me in an accusing way. I hadn’t called Peter in such a long time; of course he’d have no idea I was dating anyone.
“Emily and I started dating a couple of months ago.”
“Oh, that’s not very long.” He sounded strangely relieved.
“No, I wish we could see more of each other, but due to my work schedule we date when possible. If I could, I’d spend every day with her,” he replied, sending a wink my way.
Having been stood up so many times due to work, I mouthed, “I don’t believe you,” and shook my head.
He grabbed me and embraced me in front of everyone, then whispered, “I’d spend every waking and sleeping moment with you if it were possible.”
Peter looked uncomfortable and surprised. I probably looked alarmed.
“What do you do?” Peter asked.
“I’m a doctor over at General Hospital.”
Peter’s face lit up, as he was a second-year med student himself. Both guys talked shop while I untangled myself from Jake’s arms and strolled over to the other tables to talk to my friends.
No sooner had I said hello when I saw Jake walking over as the emcee called a first dance before dinner. He led me to the dance floor, and Sarah and Charlie waltzed over to us.
“Hey, Jake.”
“I don’t know if I should be saying hello to both of you for putting us at the same table as Max and Jennifer. Are you trying to help us or tear us apart?” Jake kidded with Charlie and Sarah. We had double-dated enough for Jake to understand that Sarah and Charlie would never mean any harm to us. They all liked and respected each other.
“We were only trying to show you off to Max,” Sarah said to Jake. “I want him to know Emily is doing very well without him.”
“Sounds great to me,” Jake responded enthusiastically.
“Great…thanks,” I answered unenthusiastically.
Pulling me close, Jake and I danced a very slow dance. Our bodies moved to the rhythm of the music and I lost myself in his graceful lead. He began to hum the music in my ear and I could feel his mouth slowly brushing the back of my neck, moving toward my jaw and traveling to my tender lips. I quivered ever so slightly when his lips touched mine. In our handful of dates, we’d only shared a few heated kisses. Our chemistry felt different tonight. I understood his intentions. He wanted to progress in more ways than just emotionally. Right as the kiss deepened, his pager went off and broke our embrace.
With critical eyes, I glared at him. He had done this to me too many times—left me in the middle of dinners, brunches, and weekend trips.
He looked back at me, guilty as charged. “Damn! Not again,” he groaned.
I had to laugh. Otherwise, I’d start to cry. Even before he left for his call, I knew the scenario. Some emergency occurred where they needed him. He’d have no choice but to go in, and I’d be alone for the night.
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll meet you back at the table,” I said.
I tried to walk away but Peter came out of nowhere and offered to finish the dance with me.
I nodded a puzzled acceptance.
“Emily, have you seen Max tonight?”
Hesitantly, I nodded my head yes.
“Have you talked to him since last June?”
“No. What would we have to talk about, his new girlfriend?”
Peter heard the anger in my voice, but couldn’t help himself.
“I can’t believe you two aren’t together anymore.”
“Peter, it’s been over for a year and a half. Why bring this up, now? He…I mean we…have moved on. What part of this confuses you?” Peter, being Max’s best friend, should have had better sense than to leave our status as a question mark. Who would understand the situation better than he?
“Emily, it’s not as simple as you think. Max didn’t just let go of you as easily as you make yourself believe.”
“Pete, regardless of what you say to me, the fact remains he broke up with me on graduat
ion night, and then started dating a new girl within a month of our breakup. I don’t know how else to decipher what happened last June.” As soon as I finished saying this, I saw Peter moving us toward Max and Jennifer. He turned to Max and asked if he could dance with Jennifer and all three of our faces had the same look of panic.
“Peter, what are you doing?” I asked indignantly.
“I think you two should talk. Sorry, Jennifer. They have a few things they need to work out.” He said this while handing me over to Max and taking Jennifer’s hand.
Frightened, our heartbeats danced much quicker than our feet. Our bodies hadn’t been this close in a long time. They seem to have missed each other regardless of our consent. Though I worried about Jake’s response if he saw us together, there was no denying I had missed Max. No matter how weak the feeling, it hadn’t disappeared. Four years couldn’t erase Max’s absence despite Jake’s presence in my life. Perhaps, it was wiser to admit Max would always be a part of my heart.
The dance continued. Max didn’t say a word, but before long I felt his body pull toward mine as I unwittingly pushed toward his. Max’s chin leaned oh so slightly on the top of my head and his arms curved around my body and embraced me longingly. I closed my eyes and briefly imagined the sweet times we danced like this.
Suddenly I heard Jake clear his throat, and I panicked. “Ahem. May I cut in?” Max and I instinctively jerked away. Feeling alarmed, I didn’t know how to explain what had just happened.
“Of course,” Max spoke almost apologetically. He walked away, leaving his girlfriend with his best friend, and not a glance back.
Jake looked hurt, and I stammered to get out an explanation. “Peter danced with me after you left and made me switch partners and told us to talk it out and…and…” Stuttering, I feared Jake’s response. Max and I were too close, too intimate with one another. I only corroborated Jake’s belief that I wasn’t completely over Max. As guilty as I felt, I couldn’t get off this emotional roller coaster.
“It’s OK, Emily. You don’t have to explain,” was his strained answer while pulling me into his chest.
“I promise, I wasn’t trying …”
“Shh, Emily, it’s all right.” His arms encircled me, protectively, possessively.
“Nothing happened, I promise. I’m sorry.” I almost started to cry.
“Emily. I wish I didn’t make you so anxious. It’s OK. I’m OK. You don’t need to apologize. Let’s go back to the table.” He stated everything so matter-of-factly, almost too stoically. My anxiety level climbed up another notch.
Jake did his best to reassure me of his feelings, but I couldn’t forget the betrayed look on his face. That momentary reaction explained more than anything he could’ve said to placate my feelings. Since the dance, I couldn’t decipher whether it was Max, himself, or nostalgia that confused my heart. These feelings that lingered didn’t pose a threat to my relationship with Jake, but I couldn’t deny the hurt that wouldn’t go away.
“What will happen if I have to leave you early tonight?”
“Do you have to leave?” My petulant tone turned Jake’s visible disappointment into an encouraged smile.
“No, not yet. There’s a chance, but I think it will be OK.”
We were about to sit down when Jake’s pager went off again. Patiently, I waited for Jake to return from his call and politely conversed with Jennifer, who was also waiting for her date to return. I found out she was an orthopedic nurse and two years older than Max. With such an uncomfortable situation, she was a good sport talking with me. I was happy to see Max dating a sweet girl. She seemed good for him.
Jake walked toward me, and I had this nervous feeling I was going to be alone…again.
“Hi. Done with your call?”
“Yeah…” The way he said this made me feel even more uneasy.
“Oh, that doesn’t sound good,” I whined.
“Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?”
“The bad.” Of course, I was always the pessimist.
“I have to go back to the hospital,” he said quickly.
“No!” I protested. “Not again. I thought you had the whole night off! Jake, we hardly ever get to see each other. I think I’ve seen you once a week in the last couple of months.” My protest was a bit unfair, but I really didn’t want to be alone tonight, of all nights.
“I know and I’m sorry. I thought we’d be together tonight but my patient came back with complications and I need to go back into surgery now.”
What could I say? A possible dying patient sat on the operating table waiting for his doctor, while I fretted over my insecurities of sitting alone at a dinner table with Max and Jennifer. Pathetic. But…how was I going to get through the rest of the evening without him?
I unhappily shrugged my shoulders and let him go. “Save another life tonight, Dr. Reid. I want to stop you but I can’t…I won’t.”
He apologized again with both arms tightly wrapped around my body. “BUT…the good news! Chief gave me the whole weekend off, so I’m taking you on a surprise trip. We’re going somewhere far where no one can call me back to the hospital. Can you be ready by 7:00am? I’ll pick you up at your house.”
“OK.” Still sounding glum, I couldn’t disguise my disappointment with Jake leaving me stranded at dinner again. “Where are we going?” As much as I tried to like surprises, they made me nervous. I didn’t like uncertainty. “How shall I dress? Is it going to be very cold?”
“It’s always cold up there,” Jake slipped.
“Up there?” I asked curiously. Obviously we were going up north but were we driving…? Flying? Suspense grew.
“When will we be back? I assume we will be back tomorrow night?” I asked with more enthusiasm.
“Do we have options? Can we stay the weekend? Would that be OK?” He sounded hopeful.
I thought about what Jake had asked, all too aware everybody at the table was listening and waiting for my answer. They all knew what my answer would’ve been if Max had asked me this same question back in college. They were curious to know if I’d changed in the almost two-year absence.
It was a simple answer, but I couldn’t immediately speak. A part of me wanted to spend the night with Jake. I felt safe with him. A part of me also wanted to hurt Max and say yes just to spite him. I knew it would be unfair to both men if I gave into my ugly side. Max watched me carefully. Eagerly, both men awaited my answer.
“Um, no. I don’t think it’s wise for us to spend the night,” I said, relieved to speak my mind. Accepting my answer with a more than gentle kiss, he relented to the pager that beeped endlessly.
“OK, OK, I’m coming, people,” he answered back at his pager. “Bye,” he murmured, stealing one more kiss. “I’ll miss you.” Before he left, he turned to Peter and asked if he would not mind giving me a ride home.
“Please take care of her for me,” he added. “And please,” he whispered to me, “don’t fall back into your ex’s arms after I leave.” We both laughed.
“Sure will,” Peter obliged.
As soon as Jake left, Peter turned to me. “Jake seems like a good guy. I’m relieved to know you’re dating someone who loves you.”
It never occurred to me Jake might feel that strongly about me. I knew I couldn’t say I loved him yet. After all, we hadn’t been dating too long and this was the first time I’d opened my heart in a long time.
“You seem to have a way of wrapping men tightly around your finger,” Peter noted.
“Yeah, some good that does me in the end,” I retorted. I heard a low chuckle coming from everyone at our table except Max and Jennifer.
Dinner was truly uncomfortable. We sat in a round of ten—Peter, me, an empty seat, Sarah, Charlie, James, Will, Christie, Max, and Jennifer. Dinner was served. The roasted tomato soup went untouched. A cold, crisp beet and apple salad, nibbled. Filet mignon, new potatoes, and sautéed veggies, a waste of money, as I only finished the vegeta
bles before having Peter finish the rest of my plate. I consumed some dessert and coffee, along with two glasses of wine. It was no wonder my system wasn’t feeling well.
After dinner, everyone started to mingle and dance again. Jennifer excused herself to use the restroom while the rest of our table, except Max, went to dance. Dreading the alone time, I got up to go anywhere and do anything but talk to Max.
“How come you barely touched your dinner, Em?” Max pulled me back down with a caring yet guarded voice.
“I wasn’t very hungry,” I answered softly.
“You’ve lost so much weight. Are you OK? Have you been ill? You still look…beautiful.” His voice sounded wistful.
With an intense glare I saw Max read my face. It was hard to hide anything from a man who had known me intimately for four years. No, I am not OK. You left me eighteen months ago without good reason and now I’m sitting here watching you with another woman. How can I be OK?
My eyes teared as I saw the sadness in his eyes and I chose to turn away from our silent conversation. Muted, awkward distress, surprisingly couldn’t suppress the friendship, fondness, and love that had lived between us for so many years. Even now, my heart felt glad to be here with him. My mind continued to dissect my heart. I couldn’t free my mind of the way it felt to be held by Max while we danced. His touch brought back so many wonderful memories. There was a part of me that wanted to be held by him again.
Still, I was angry with Max for kicking me out of his life so unexpectedly. How could a man who dumped me after four years of dating, sit here and feign to care for me? He didn’t care anymore, and neither should I. I had Jake, and deep inside, I knew we would make this relationship work.