Chapter 17 Sarah’s Wedding
When I saw Sarah come out of the dressing room ready to walk down the aisle, I went over and carefully hugged her. I was thrilled for her.
“Sarah, you are the most beautiful bride!” I declared.
“Thanks, Emily. Thank you for being here. I know it’s hard for you right now.”
“Sarah, you’re being ridiculous. I’m here for you. Let’s not talk about anything else but you and Charlie today.”
It did make me sad to be here. Seeing Sarah reminded me that this could’ve been my dream as well. I didn’t want to appear down today so I erased these thoughts and helped Sarah begin her new life.
The minster had the bride and groom say their vows and Charlie happily kissed the bride. We all cheered for the happy couple and I caught a glimpse of Max smiling at me. After pictures were done, we walked into the reception hall and I helped Sarah greet her guests.
After dinner and a long toast by the best man, Sarah and Charlie went out to the dance floor as a couple. They looked blissful together. As their song ended, Max walked over to me and asked me to dance. He held my hand to the dance floor, he started asking me about my stay in Japan, and he guilted me into telling him the exact location of my whereabouts.
“I can’t believe that you sent me letters with no return address! What was that all about?” He pretended to be flabbergasted.
“I’m sorry. I’ll leave you my address before I leave.”
“Why would you do this?” As I was about to answer, I saw someone stand directly behind Max tapping him on the shoulder. A strangely familiar voice said, “May I cut in?” I knew this voice. How could I forget it? But, it must have been my imagination because there was no reason for this voice to be here at this wedding. My heart leaped with hope.
Max turned around and I stared at the handsome face I longed to see. My heart ached for this moment since I left him standing on a corner in New York. I couldn’t believe he was standing in front of me about to hold me in his arms again. I gave Max an incredulous look and he leaned in to kiss my forehead. He whispered in my ear, “My debt is paid. I love you, Em.”
Before Max left, he turned to Jake and said, “We’re all keeping an eye on you. Don’t hurt her and don’t make her cry. We are at a wedding.”
“I can guarantee you the former but I can’t promise the latter. She can be a bit of a leaky faucet.” Jake mused.
“Don’t I know it!” Max laughed.
This conversation was even more unbelievable. Jake and Max were both making fun of me. When did they become friends?
Jake shook Max’s hand and said, “Thank you.” Max walked off.
My bewildered look amused Jake and he quickly put his arms around me, and we began our dance. I didn’t know whether to speak, ask questions, or just wait for an explanation.
“Do you know that you are the most beautiful woman here tonight?” Jake declared.
“Do you know that it’s blasphemous to consider anyone more beautiful than the bride on her wedding day?” I chided.
“I guess I’ve just committed blasphemy.” He smiled and held me even closer. I cherished this smile. “Hello, Emily.” His voice broke as he peered into my eyes. “Very long time no see.”
I could sense adoration and relief in his eyes as I’m sure he could sense tears and hope in mine.
“Hi,” I whispered back.
I felt a rush of emotion all at once.
Desire.
Hope.
Love.
Anger.
But above them all…
Pain.
“What are you doing here?” I asked weakly. “Did Sarah and Charlie invite you?”
“No, I’m rudely crashing their wedding. I did send a nice gift ahead of time so I’m sure I’ll be forgiven,” he claimed nonchalantly.
I looked over at Sarah on the dance floor and she beamed my way. She gave me a look of encouragement and confidence that I did not share.
“Seriously,” I said. “Why are you here?”
“Why do you think I’m here?” Jake’s tone was a bit short with me this time.
“If I knew, I wouldn’t keep asking.” I said exasperated.
I noticed that the music changed to a fast-paced one but we were still slow dancing to the last tune. Everyone pushed us out of the way, and Jake let go of me just enough for me to start walking away from him.
“Where are you going?” Jake asked, pulling me back to him. “We’re not done talking.”
“I thought since you weren’t answering my question, we were done.” I tried to push his hands away.
“OK. I’ll talk,” he said, looking forlorn. “I came to dance with the maid of honor. Max told me that you were going to be here tonight.”
I wanted to ask Jake more questions but I thought I’d let it go. What would be the purpose in reacquainting myself with heartache? Maybe Sarah did invite Jake to the wedding without telling me. I wouldn’t make a scene at her wedding.
I walked over to help Sarah with her dress as she went to cut the cake. Jake closely followed. When it was time to toss the bouquet and garter, I quietly disappeared into a crowd of onlookers so I wouldn’t have to stand in that awkward mass of single women. Jake stood right next to me and goaded me to go into the center of the circle.
“Why aren’t you standing with all the other single ladies? Who knows? You might be the next one married.” He gave me a most playful grin.
I felt my face scrunching into an unattractive scowl. For a man who went out of his way to ignore me, he surely wasn’t lacking any words tonight.
“Emily. When did you get back to the States?”
“Yesterday morning.”
“When do you go back to Japan?”
“Tomorrow.” I curtly replied.
“Of course, you do!” He sounded angry. He had the scowl on his face now. “You leave no room for any chances of error. Who flies overseas on a Friday and goes back on a Sunday?”
“Excuse me?” I asked him.
“Why do you make it so hard for me to be with you? Why were you gone for so long? Do you know how far and wide I searched for you after you left me?”
“A bit bizarre that you would try so hard to find me halfway around the world, when you didn’t bother looking for me when I was just across town. And by the way, you left me.” My tone was biting. He had no comeback.
“Can we talk?”
“Jake, I don’t know when we would talk. I leave tomorrow morning and I don’t want to create any unhappiness here. I need to stay till the very end.”
“Can we talk after the wedding? I’ll stay with you till the end.”
That promise you already broke. I didn’t want the miserable pain that ripped my heart again but I wasn’t ready to let him go. Even in torment, I preferred Jake next to me than away from me.
“Jake. Why now? Why after so many months do you want to talk now?”
“You really didn’t give me much chance to explain myself before fleeing the country.” His mood stayed humorous, though I found no humor in this conversation.
“You’re kidding, right? All those unanswered texts? New York? Let’s stop here. I should go help Sarah change.”
I walked away from Jake, and I saw him walk toward Max. Evidently they formed some kind of a friendship while I was gone. How this could’ve happened, I did not know.
The last of the dancers lined up to throw rice at the happy bride and groom leaving for their honeymoon. Before Sarah left, she whispered a last word of encouragement. “Just hear him out.” was all she said. They cheerfully left for Hawaii. It was one o’clock in the morning and I wanted nothing but to go to bed and get ready to leave early in the morning. I went to grab my purse and my shadow followed close behind.
“Can we talk now?” he asked impatiently.
“Jake, if I said no, what are you going to do? If I told you that I was tired, and that I haven’t really slept in forty-eight hours, will you make me go and talk wi
th you? I flew in yesterday morning, gladly fulfilled all my maid of honor duties, and would love nothing more than to sleep right now before getting on a flight in seven hours. If I said all this to you, will you let me go?”
My impetuous approach startled Jake. He looked defeated. I was unhappy to see his sad face. I didn’t know what possessed me to talk like that to him.
He thought about it for a while and finally relented. This was not the response I wanted but I guess I asked for it.
“If you really don’t want to talk to me, I’ll walk you back to your room and leave you alone. I was hoping to apologize and straighten out our misunderstandings before you left. I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time. I thought that you’d be here a bit longer.” His voice trailed sadly.
“But, can I ask you something, Emily?”
I stared at him neither answering yes or no. He must have found encouragement in my silence, as he continued his query.
“How come you cut off all communications? Didn’t you know that your friends would worry about you?”
I became defensive.
“I wrote weekly. All my friends knew that I was doing well.”
“I don’t remember weekly letters. I believe you sent me one, but who’s counting? Only through Jane, Max, and Nick did I know what you were up to. I can’t believe you sent Nick more letters than you sent me!”
I laughed to myself. I did only send him one.
“With you…I purposely only sent one.”
“Why?”
“Maybe I didn’t consider you a friend! Maybe I didn’t think you wanted to hear from me. As it was, I thought I was pushing my luck sending you any form of communication. Aren’t you the one who told Jane that we were no longer together? Why waste my efforts on someone who’s moved on?” My heart began twisting into knots. I started walking toward the elevator.
Jake followed.
“Well, if you were willing to communicate via letters, why didn’t you send a return address so we could communicate back with you? Maybe I could’ve resolved our issues sooner if I knew how to get a hold of you.
I hesitated giving him an answer. I hesitated not because I didn’t have an answer, but because I didn’t want to show him how vulnerable I felt.
“Please, can you let me know why there was no return address?” His eyes begged for an answer.
I gave into his plea, as I knew that I would. I had no defense to his offense. My weakness was his strength.
After sighing I confessed, “I didn’t send a return address, because when I didn’t get a response from you, I would know that it was because you couldn’t respond to me and not because you didn’t want to respond to me.” That did it. My heart let go and the tears flowed. I felt mad and embarrassed that I showed so much weakness. I revealed my deepest insecurities to a man who had moved on with his life. I couldn’t stop crying. I fumbled for my key card, so I could go to my room. I couldn’t wait to go back to Japan and away from my reality.
Jake appeared encouraged by my meltdown. He smile and tried to grab me by my arm and pull me to him, but I pushed him away and ran toward the elevator. He followed me into the elevator.
“Emi. Please give me a chance to talk. I want to explain myself. Don’t I get to defend my actions?”
“What’s there to explain?” I bawled. “You walked out on me a few days after you said that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and didn’t explain yourself for months. What happened to your promise of ‘I won’t ever let you be alone again?’ I thought you loved me, that you really, truly loved me. Why are you trying now? You don’t owe me any explanation. You’re free to do whatever you like. I have no claim on you.”
My words weakened, and I sobbed even harder as I hurried to my room. I knew that at some point I would have to give Jake time to say his piece, if I wanted to leave town today. In my mind, I’d already agreed to give Jake a chance to redeem himself as I let him follow me into my room.
We got into the room and I saw Jake find himself a chair. I went into the bathroom, changed my clothes, and washed my face, trying to put on a brave guise. I waited for my heartbeat to settle before walking outside.
“OK. You win.” I answered. “Explain yourself and then leave. I need to rest.”
“First of all, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I walked out on you that night, and I’m sorry I hurt you. You don’t know how sorry I am that I left you alone again. It was not my intention to not see or talk to you for this long. This situation clearly got out of hand.” Jake’s face actually looked as tormented as my heart felt. “The night you came back from Vegas, you broke my heart. I have this bad habit of shutting myself down when things go badly. I know it’s wrong, and I know I hurt you the first time I did it on the way home from Hawaii. I’ll work on that. I promise I will. I won’t shut down on you anymore, I swear to you.”
My heart started beating a mile a minute. I was sure that Jake could hear the thumping from where he was sitting. Could he actually be trying to make amends with me? I tried not to hope that he might still love me.
“Anyhow, I initially didn’t answer your texts because I didn’t know what to think. I knew that I loved you, but I wasn’t sure that you loved me back. After a few days, I thought that maybe I would give you a chance to sort out your feelings and make you want to come back to me and me only.”
This statement flamed my ire. “Why would I text you every day if I didn’t want to be with you?”
“I believed that you cared. But you never affirmed to me that I was the only one you wanted. I guess I was looking for affirmation. When I didn’t get this, I figured you had chosen Max over me and I let you go thinking this was the best for you.”
“Jake!” Frustration colored my face. “Did you read any of my texts? Do you think I have some sadistic side in me where I would send you messages every day even though I loved another man?”
“I know. It was stupid of me. I basically gave myself a pity party.” He frowned at this thought. “I realized when you sent me your last text, that I might have been wrong about your feelings. That’s when I panicked. I saw these texts from your point of view for the first time. Maybe you still loved me but my lack of response would make you believe that I didn’t love you anymore. I couldn’t assuage the sick feeling in my stomach. That’s when I decided to go see Jane in New York. I hoped she could relieve my frustration.” My heart began to hope that there might be a light at the end of my dark tunnel. “I came looking for you at your house as soon I received your last text. I left the hospital midshift and wanted to tell you what was on my heart, but you didn’t answer the door. Little did I know that I would see you in less than twenty-four hours.”
“OK, so you finally saw my point of view but you still didn’t say anything to me in New York,” I charged. “If you still loved me, why did you send me away again when I saw you? You could’ve stopped me.”
“When I first saw you in Jane’s apartment, I was dumbfounded. You were the one person I most wanted to see, but the last one I expected to see. At first I said nothing out of shock. When I tried to speak, Jane started yelling at me, and you left so quickly. When I reached you at the cab, I wanted to hear what you had to say. I wanted to be sure that you still wanted me.”
“Didn’t you hear me tell you that I love you? I spoke in the present tense. Not the past, purposely hoping to evoke some feelings, some response, but I got nothing out of you.”
“When you said, ‘I love you,’ it took me a second to process that you were talking in present tense. I replayed it several times in my head to be sure. When my head cleared and I tried to tell you that I loved you too, you were gone again. I flagged down another cab and tried to follow you but you were too far gone.”
I felt weak at this point from having expended so much emotion into this conversation. I went and sat on the edge of the bed. I thought I might collapse. Jake followed me to the bed and sat in front of me, his knees on the ground, between my feet. He put both his han
ds on mine. The room spun as I imagined two scenarios that would result from this conversation.
Jake still loves me and we would be back together.
Jake did not love me anymore and this conversation would negate my four months of heart mending in Japan.
I hoped and believed it would be the former. With my luck in life, it would be the latter.
“Jake,” I said, “can we stop for a while? I’m really tired. I just want to rest.”
He looked up at me, and I knew he needed to continue, but my heart hurt too much to listen.
“Please? Can we stop?” I begged, voice sounding weak.
His hand pushed back the hair that fell onto my face and he brushed my cheeks. He listened to my plea.
“Go ahead and lay down. I won’t bother you. But, can I stay here with you?”
“OK,” I answered.
Jake sat on the bed and laid my head on his lap. He continually caressed my hair. I purposely closed my eyes and turned my face away from him so that he would not see the anguish in my eyes. I was afraid to go on with this conversation. I wanted so badly to believe that Jake wanted me back, but I feared that this hope would mar me if it were only a hope.
Within minutes, he called my name.
“Emily, are you sleeping?”
“No.” I answered.
“Would it be OK if I just told you a few more things? I don’t think I can live with myself if I don’t get all this off my chest. After I tell you everything, if you ask me to leave, I’ll go.”
How could he possibly believe that I wanted him to leave after everything I confessed to him tonight? Couldn’t he sense my desperate heart begging him to love me again? He must know that I loved him more now than I’d ever loved him.
He started talking, knowing that my silence gave him the green light.
“Emily, before I go on any further, I need you to know. I love you. I never stopped loving you. I don’t believe I can ever not love you.”
I began sobbing quietly at the prospect of being with Jake again. He sat me up to look into my once dejected eyes. Forcefully he pulled me onto his body and held me. My heart pleaded that he wouldn’t let go of me anymore. My body burned with the sensation of affliction, turned to hope, ending in elation.
“I’m sorry that I broke your heart. I’m sorry that I abandoned you. I will never do it again. I absolutely cannot live without you. When I read your letter at the hospital, my world collapsed. It was like I fell into some dark abyss. I couldn’t function for weeks. I took a sick leave and searched for you everywhere. Only when I received your first letter from Japan, did I think that there might be a chance we could meet again. That maybe we would love again. That’s when I decided to get my act together and go back to the hospital and wait for you to return to me.”
“Emily?” He lovingly called my name. “Do you still love me?” His eyes begged.
I gave in to my true feelings. “Jake. Of course I love you. I never stopped loving you. I was stupid to realize this so late. This is all my fault. I love you so much!”
He held my soggy face in both his hands and kissed me tenderly. We held each other the rest of the night, grateful to be together again.