Part of me feels guilty about that now, but the memory of his knife on my throat screams that I was right not to trust him. Was it really an act of pure conditioning, leaping at me like that? He’s here now, though. When he kissed me in the hallway, when he made the Guardian Oath, he believed my lies about not being the Destroyer, but he knows the truth now and he still stayed. The honest pain in his aura that I never told him the truth about my dad pushes back on me. Before that night, what did he ever do to earn my distrust? He was thoughtless at times, obsessed with becoming a Guardian, and a dozen other minor faults, but he never once let me down. Any time I needed him, he was there.
Distracted by my guilt, Mrs. Hanover has to repeat her question several times before I finally hear her. “Libby? You haven’t been able to contact the Ciphers since?”
“No,” I say shaking myself.
“Hasn’t your Spiritualism instructor been teaching you anything?”
My whole face scowls at the thought of that class. “Mrs. Sanchez prefers to pretend I don’t exist. She helps the other students all the time, but she’s yet to answer a single one of my questions. I listen to her lectures on theory and stuff like that, but it’s just not helping.”
“Well, of course it isn’t. Spiritualism isn’t something you can learn on your own. It is unique among the other talents because you must have a guide to show you the way. It’s not as simple as accessing latent strength in your muscles or pushing your thoughts into someone’s mind. Everyone does that on some level naturally. Finding your way out of this world and into another is a journey that takes much more than simple directions.” Mrs. Hanover’s shoulders straighten seriously. “If your teacher at school won’t guide you like she should, then I will. I won’t let prejudice and incompetence keep you from saving the other Ciphers.”
Someone who has a clue about what I should be doing with my Spiritualism helping me get over the walls I keep running into? I suddenly feel too giddy to even say anything. I feel light for a moment, as if the strings binding me to this earth are finally starting to lose their strength. The strain of failing so consistently was wearing on me fast. The possibility of finally being able to use all of my talents brings back a serious dose of energy to my body, but there is still something I don’t understand.
“Mrs. Hanover, I’m going to do everything I can to help the other Ciphers,” I say, “but this still doesn’t help me figure out what I’m supposed to be doing as the Destroyer. I feel like I’m just wandering around lost most of the time. When we first started this conversation I hoped I was finally going to figure out my purpose in life. Freeing the Ciphers will be great, of course, but how does that really help me as Cassia?”
“Freeing the Ciphers has everything to do with your purpose,” Mr. Hanover says. “You won’t be able to do anything as Cassia without them.”