Chapter 4 - The Observer
Friday morning, Paul had about an hour of free time due to a patient cancellation. He called Kris from his office in the late morning to confirm that they were still on for their evening session at her loft. She answered the phone sounding very energetic and confident about things. Paul was careful to maintain the proper decorum and plan his evening accordingly. He did not want this to appear even vaguely as a date or a social call no matter what feelings he had. His purpose was to help his patient overcome a delusion and observe the symptoms that were causing it.
Prior to arriving he sent a text to Dr. Keeler to inform him about his plans and said he would be sharing the video tape with him to give him insight into her condition.
He took the time to shower and dress down more casually that he did in the office, yet still arrived a bit early. He felt fortunate since he was slowed down by the video equipment with him. Ringing her doorbell, he noted how strangely nervous he felt waiting for Kris to greet him and let him into the building.
As she opened the large oak door, and invited him in, he was immediately aware of the smell of perfume in the air. She was wearing casual clothing, had on very little makeup and her hair was tied into in a ponytail. Paul naturally ignored his first impulse to comment on her appearance.
The truth was however, he sincerely thought this natural simple look made her look absolutely beautiful. Instead he spoke in a very polite and businesslike tone.
“Hi Kris, how are you this evening?”
Climbing into an ancient looking elevator to take them to her floor, they exchanged the usual small talk. She asked him if he found the place easily and upon entering her loft he commented on how nicely she had decorated it.
She lead him back to the master bedroom.
“I guess you can set up the video camera anywhere you like, it’s up to you.”
Relieved to put down the equipment, he began to set it up to get the best view of the bed and surrounding area. While he assembled the tripod and untangled cords, Kris excused herself for a short time and returned with a tray holding a pot of hot tea and some cookies.
Paul was just finalizing the last adjustments of the camera to get the best angle of the room as she returned.
He glanced up to the sound of her voice speaking in a melodic tone,
“Can I interest you in some homemade oatmeal raisin cookies?”
Looking at the tray in her hands he said,
“Well this is nice. You know you didn’t have to go to the trouble of being the perfect hostess on my account. I’m here on business, remember? However, I really didn’t eat much lunch or dinner so I could just murder those cookies right now.”
He took a break for a moment and they both sat down by the large computer desk in the corner of the room.
Kris seemed to be in a happy mood when she saw how much Paul enjoyed both the cookies and tea.
“That’s exactly what I needed. Amazing what blood sugar will do for a person’s mood and enthusiasm. Thank you Kris.”
She smiled warmly.
“You’re welcome. You were wondering about my nightly routine? Well tea and a snack is how it usually starts. I also have a weakness for oatmeal cookies. The last thing I would want to do is rush into things, but what exactly is the plan for tonight?
What am I supposed to do exactly?”
Drinking down the last bit of tea in his cup Paul replied,
“You’re already right on target with the snack and tea. The plan was for you to go about your usually evening routine and for me to observe what happens to you. You tell me however you need this to go. If I should sit in the corner and read a book or talk about things, it’s up to you.
Hopefully you can show me what happens when you hear the voices or do your time travel thing. That’s the plan but remember, there’s no pressure alright?
If nothing happens, we try it again another time.”
He stood up for a moment and reached into a leather messenger bag he brought with him pulling out a very official looking manila envelope. Placing it on the desk, glanced over to see Kris staring at the envelope.
“So is that my pass fail test for the evening?”
“I wouldn’t call it that, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. I hope you know that.”
“I know,” she said.
“I didn’t mean for it to sound like that. I’ve done this a hundred times before so I don’t know why I’m worried. Since we planned this whole thing out, I’ve actually been feeling very excited and was looking forward to this night finally proving this to you, and to myself I guess.
Now I’m feeling a bit scared, I mean, I need to know what happens if this doesn’t work? Do I get shoved back on those horrible meds and become the crazy girl that loses all credibility with you?”
Paul shook his head.
“Hey, come on now. Remember me?
I’m the guy who sees everything as gray and not black and white. Whatever happens tonight, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. I’m here to see what happens to you in these trances, not to prove you wrong or assign labels.
Labeling you does nothing to help anyone. I’m here to help you find a way for you to stop being afraid, nothing more.”
She smiled warmly at him.
Paul asked,
“So let me ask you, what would normally be next on your routine of nightly activities?”
“That can vary from night to night, but I should probably just start by meditating.”
“It’s your call, whatever you want to do.”
She walked over to her computer and turned on some very soothing ambient music designed for relaxation. Then she sat down on her bead and scooted herself back against her pillows, moving herself into a classic lotus position for yoga.
Paul verified that camera was recording and relaxed in the chair by the desk. She took in a deep cleansing breath and looked over at Paul with a warm peaceful smile.
He had a brief moment of distraction thinking to himself how absolutely lovely she looked, then glanced away in an attempt to turn off the thoughts that would inevitably follow.
She whispered,
“Alright then, here I go.”
As she sat on the bed talking in deep breaths and letting them out in a slow fasion, Paul sat quietly and watched her very closely. He also considered how he would handle the potential and impending emotional collapse or angry outburst that could inevitably follow her meditative state. He was all too aware of how her inability to prove her delusion of time travel could devastate her. He was also preparing himself for the possible aggression and accusations she might aim at him as the cause of her failure and this entire event. They were both common reactions with delusional patients.
After about 15 minutes had passed, he noticed that her breathing had become slower and deeper and he began to observe what appeared to be rapid eye movement under her eyelids. This behavior continued for a few more minutes ending in a very strange and almost alarming event.
With one very short loud gasp of air, her body went completely limp and she dropped back against the pillows. Her head flopped to the side as though she had taken in a dying breath or become catatonic.
Paul sat up straight in the chair for a moment concerned for her well being, but then could see that she was still breathing normally and appeared to be completely peaceful.
In fact, she almost had the expression of inner peace on her face. He now wished that he had some type of monitors on her to see what brain wave patterns she was generating or if she was even in a meditative state at all.
She almost seemed unconscious. He remembered what she had shared with him earlier regarding the length of these trances. According to what she’d said, these lasted for about ten minutes on average. With this in mind he decided that if this trance went past thirty, he would try to revive her in some way.
There was only about a three minute time frame that passed and he began to
see some rapid eye movement again, her facial expressions changed at times looking almost like she was smiling.
A total of about seven minutes had now gone by and she appeared to be sleeping. Completely contrary to the dramatic reaction she had when she fell into her trance, she emerged from it with little reaction other than one might have after waking up from an afternoon nap.
He eyes fluttered and she looked around the room for a moment regaining consciousness. She sat up and looked at Paul sitting in the chair.
When she made eye contact with him, her reaction both was unique and confusing. She smiled warmly, dropped her head shyly almost seeming to be embarrassed in some way. Paul tilted his head to see if he could see the hidden expression on her face
“Kris, are you alright?”
She looked up still seeming a bit nervous.
“Yes, I’m feeling wonderful. I’m just a bit surprised by, I mean, I didn’t expect to see...”
She smiled again as she stopped talking. She then took in a deep breath and relaxed her shoulders in the process.
Paul said,
“It’s ok, there’s no rush. Take your time to come back to the real world, I just wanted to be sure you’re alright. When you fell into that trance, it was a bit dramatic.”
He picked up the teapot and added some hot tea to her cup.
“Dramatic? What happened?”
He smiled and said,
“I got a bit worried you were alright, no need to jump right into what just happened to you, just have some tea and I’ll show you the video later.”
She smiled warmly and took the tea from his hand seeming a little shaky.
He asked,
“You seem like you’re anxiety level is a bit elevated. Is this normal after what just happened with you?”
She shook her head with a small giggle and then smiled warmly as she glanced up at him. Then she seemed to have some difficulty making eye contact with him without some form of nervous laughter. She finally answered.
“I would have to say no. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this much nervousness after meditation. Tonight was very unique.”
Paul smiled back at her in response to her obviously happy and giddy mood.
“Do you think it’s because I’m here?”
As he asked that question, she placed her hand over her mouth and began to laugh and giggle again and replied in a playful tone,
“Paul I don’t know how to tell you how much you being here is directly responsible for my nervousness right now.”
She looked in his eyes warmly.
“I also want you to know how happy I am, also because you’re here with me .”
Paul could see an almost loving warmth and endearment in her eyes as she said those words. His first emotion of happiness was self corrected by the reality of his role as her therapist.
He responded in his usual professional manner.
“Good. I’m glad you’re seeing this as helpful experience. Were you able to accomplish what you were trying to do during your meditation?”
“Let’s hope so, otherwise this could be more awkward than any moment in my life.”
She scooted forward on the bed closer to Paul and looked at him with a playful glare.
“You know I should be upset with you Mr. Ghent.”
“Why is that?”
“You’re trying to trick me with your little test? This wasn’t really fair was it?”
Paul had fully expected this reaction from her. He readied himself for the list of reasons that she could not travel through time this evening because of his presence or some delusional belief on her part that he had done something to prevent it.
“What do you mean? How did I trick you?”
“You told me at our last session, that you would write something on a piece of paper at 9:00 PM that evening at your desk. You even sent me a text that said it was done!”
Paul slightly surprised by her correct assumption asked,
“What basis do you have for assuming that I didn’t do exactly what I said I would?”
Kris grinned,
“I was there. I know for a fact you did it much earlier in the day.”
Paul was now feeling a bit odd about the accuracy of her assumption.
“Alright fair enough, so was that the reason you’re having trouble and may not know what’s written on the paper?”
Kris looked at Paul very smugly and took a sip of her tea.
“Paul, I never said I had trouble, nor did I tell you I don’t know what’s written on the paper. I hope you’re ready for the shock I’m about to give you.”
“I’m ready, what is it that you’re going to tell me?”
She climbed off of her bed and walked over to the bedroom wall that she used as a dry erase board for her math equations. She picked up a marker wrote something down on the board in front of her. As she stepped to one side, she turned and looked at Paul with a smile, circling the equation she had just written down.
“When I saw you write this down, I found it to be incredibly relevant to the experiment, not to mention absolutely adorable.”
Paul sat in absolute amazement and shock of what she’d written on the board. To his absolute astonishment, she had matched what he’d written exactly.
There in front of his eyes was the mathematical equation for the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principal. He was stunned.
He sat silently trying to come up with a logical explanation for this amazing coincidence. He then began to consider that he had referenced something that they had talked about during their first session and assumed that this had to be no more than an amazing guess.
He thought for a moment and focused his discussion back on his goal of helping her find doubt in her delusion. Looking at her face, he could see an expression of absolute smugness and certainty in her gaze. He nodded and said,
“Alright then.”
He picked up the envelope he’d placed on the desk earlier and held it in his hands.
“Before I give you this, I need to ask you a question.”
“What’s that?” she said.
“You told me I didn’t write this down at 9:00 PM in my room like I told you I would. My question is, if that’s true then you should be able to tell me where I was when I wrote it and what I was doing.
If you were truly there as you said, I think that would be a fair request, don’t you think?”
She nodded,
“You were in your car, sitting near the lakeshore. You did it just after you went for a walk down to the water.”
Paul was completely blown away by the impossible accuracy of what she was describing. Kris could see his mind in complete turmoil trying to interpret this amazing event unfolding.
He himself was trying to think of any way that she could have seen him or had his car bugged in some way. He knew how illogical and completely improbable doing something like that really was, but also knew the impossibility of her traveling through time in her mind.
He even considered the possibility that he himself was being pulled into her delusion because of the unusual emotional attachment he felt for her. Before he could even begin to respond to the endless storm of questions in his head, Kris spoke quietly.
“Paul? I know this seems really impossible and I know you’re searching for explanations but I need to say something.”
He looked up still speechless and mumbled out,
“Go ahead. I would welcome anything to explain this right now.”
She smiled and nervously began to fiddle with the fingers on her hand looking down nervously.
“I’m not trying to embarrass you, but I noticed that when your alone, you have a habit of talking to yourself out loud.
Really, it’s Ok, I absolutely do the same thing all the time and it made me smile when I saw you doing it too.”
She looked in his eyes.
“The thing is, when you were on the beach you were talking about someone. Will
you tell me who you were talking about? Who was she?”
Remembering his discussion with himself about his attraction to her on the beach, Paul was completely beyond the ability to reason the events that she described. He looked at her in complete amazement and said,
“There is no way you could know any of this unless you were really there in some way, or you could somehow read my thoughts.”
He chuckled and shook his head,
“Neither one of those is any more logical than the other.”
He thought for a moment.
“I really don’t know what to say Kris. I mean for the first time in my career since my internship, I really don’t have one damn thing to say. This is just incredible.”
She burst into laughter from the happiness and satisfaction of knowing that Paul was finally coming to believe in her unbelievable claims. She felt tears well up in her eyes and said,
“You have no idea how happy that makes me.”
She walked over to her bathroom and grabbed a box of tissues to wipe some of the tears from her face. Paul knowing how terrible this must have been for her to live with, said,
“Kris, I just need to say how sorry I am for not believing you. I hope you understand why. I just couldn’t imagine that you...”
“Don’t you dare say you’re sorry. As sweet as you are for saying it, you don’t have to. I would never have expected you to believe me without proof.
How would you ever know this was real unless you went through all of this. How would I ever really know? You don’t need to be sorry at all!”
Paul looked down still feeling bad.
“I appreciate that and I suppose you’re right. It was the only way to really know right?”
She looked in his eyes and smiled warmly.
“I know this is a lot to take in right now and we have a lot to discuss, but I don’t think you ever answered my question about who you were talking about at the beach. Who was she?”
Paul looked into Kris’s eyes surrendering to the moment.
She asked one more time.
“Who was she?”
Paul shook his head in amazement.
“You miraculously just told me about every detail of what I did that day to get me to believe you could really travel back in time. Rest assured, I believe you. How could I not? Do you now expect me to believe that you really don’t know who that girl is?”
“I want to hear it from you.”
“OK then. It’s you Kris. From my very own mouth that’s still hanging open in astonishment. I was talking about you on the beach. Screw the logic, screw the video camera and anything else that might discourage me from keeping this a secret an longer.
These feelings for you are not something that I should have nor have I ever had for a patient. I’m sorry if that makes you feel uncomfortable and I would certainly understand if you wanted to see someone else because of this.”
Kris looked at him in complete amazement realizing that he had no idea how she felt about him. She stood up and walked over to the desk where he was seated and asked him to stand up for a moment. As he rose from the chair she immediately threw her arms around him and buried her head against his chest. Paul returned the embrace and they stood together enjoying the sensation of how the other felt in their arms.
Kris said,
“Does this clear up my level of discomfort knowing that you’re attracted to me? You’re not going anywhere if I have anything to say about it.”
Paul pulled her against him and said,
“If you’re waiting for me to object holding you in my arms, you may need look somewhere else for that type of feedback. Are you sure about this Kris?”
Paul shook his head in disbelief again.
“My god! I can’t believe all of this is really happening. You really can look back in time! Honestly I’m a extremely overwhelmed right now about everything that’s happening. If I‘ve ever had an excuse to act oddly, I think this is it.”
All she could manage to do at that moment was hold him tightly and rejoice in the fact that she was not going insane. It felt even better hearing this from the man who she was falling for, knowing that really did care about her deeply.
She said,
“I wish I could give you some insight into why this is happening to me. Even though I know for sure that it’s real and honestly happening, I’m still feeling a bit afraid.”
She stepped back and sat down on the edge of the bed and took a relieved deep breath.
“Oh God! I am so happy I’m not schizophrenic!”
“I’ll second that from the bottom of my heart. I’m not comparing the torture you’ve gone through to my personal feelings that I’m about to relate, but that diagnosis was very painful for me to imagine you with. Feeling the way I do about you, the thought of someone so beautiful and vivacious having to go through a life with that disease was…well it was hurting me.”
“I don’t know what to say, that’s a really sweet thing to say. This may sound odd, but as happy as I feel knowing I’m not schizophrenic, I also realize that I still have a problem. Some of these things happening to me still make me very afraid at times and to make it worse, I can see that there is really no one who can help me. What are my choices now?”
Paul saw the logic in what she’d just said. He was treating her for a mental illness, but he was hardly qualified to discuss metaphysics or out of body experiences through meditation. He thought for a moment, and then stood up and walked over to the video camera, turning it off.
“That’s enough of that! It’s about time I say what’s really on my mind.”
He then sat down next to Kris on her bed.
“Kris, you don’t need my help with mental illness thank god. As far as this ability you have, you are completely right to assume that I don’t have any answers. I can promise you however, that I will always be here to help you for as long as you can stand me. I like being near you, I think you’re an amazing person and although I’ve only know you a short time, I would miss you if you suddenly stopped seeing me.”
As he spoke those words, Kris felt a happiness fill her heart. She kissed him on his lips and they both embraced in the joy of the moment.
Touching the skin around his nose and lips she said, “I like the way you smell and the way you kissed me. When I’m with you I feel safe. I meant what I said before Paul.
You’re not going anywhere if it’s up to me.”
They began to kiss one another again and fell back onto the bed. Just then Kris suddenly stopped, sat straight up and said,
“I just realized something.”
She stood up and walked to her desk, retrieving the sealed envelope that still contained the message Paul wrote. She held it in her hand and looked at it for a few moments in silence.
“Aren’t you going to open it?” Paul asked.
She giggled.
“I was just wondering what the point of that would be since I already know what it says.”
She sat down on the bed again with Paul.
“The complete irony of you choosing an uncertainty equation to prove that something in life is either black or white is really amazing. Did you do that on purpose?”
Paul smiled as he realized the irony in what she’d discovered.
“I would love to say how clever I was in thinking that up, but the answer is no. It was just something that came to my mind randomly.”
She smiled and remarked,
“Wow, how perfect is that? I almost like that better.”
She then held the envelope out in front of her.
“So do you want to open it?”
He stared down at it for a moment and repeated her words from just moments ago, “I was just wondering what the point of that would be since I already know what it says.”
Kris nodded, smiled and walked back to her desk, putting the sealed envelope in the top drawer. As she retuned and sat down on the bed next to P
aul, they both fell back in each others arms.
“Paul, you absolutely do not like black or white answers, do you?”
He shook his head and answered,
“Not really. As I said before, uncertainty gives me hope.”
With a devilish grin on her radiant face she said,
“In that case, I hope you don’t have any plans of retuning home tonight.”
Paul feeling completely lost in her eyes replied,
“Now that’s one thing you can be certain of.”
***
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