“Nina the Goat, the Supreme Court has just ruled that you must stay in jail forever and ever and ever. Do you have a comment?”
“Big deal,” said Nina.
A message flashed across the bottom of the screen: BREAKING NEWS: GOAT SAYS SAME THING AGAIN!
Chapter 9
We hadn’t yet reached the art museum when my phone rang again.
“Hello,” I said. “Inspector Flytrap speaking.”
“Tryflap? This is President Horse G. Horse,” said a rude voice.
“I thought you were mad at me,” I said.
“Of course I’m mad at you!” said President Horse. “But I still need your help, Flyblap. Last night a Master Criminal stole our most valuable presidential limousine, the Ford Ford!”
“I’ll be right there!” I said.
AHA! Now I was . . . well, still on the really long trail of the Master Criminal! And now it was even longer!
“Mr. Sloth! Please take me to the White House instead. It’s a national emergency!”
Slowly, even more slowly than before, he turned me around and started pushing me in the other direction.
We passed the TV store again. Now Nina was eating Greta Von Hopinstop’s microphone and Greta was trying to reach through the barred window and hit Nina with her shoe. A message flashed across the bottom of the screen: PLEASE STAND BY. WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.
Chapter 10
On the way to the White House, my phone rang.
It was twenty-three scientific pigs. A Master Criminal had stolen their Computatotron 80001 supercomputer!
My phone rang again.
It was a pegleg pirate who was missing his treasure map!
My phone rang again.
It was Mimi Kiwi. A Master Criminal had stolen every plant from her garden!
My phone rang again.
It was Vanessa Cowcow. A Master Criminal had stolen her sculpture . . . while she was working on it!
My phone rang again.
It was the dog from the dog show checking about the missing entry form.
“I’m sorry! I can’t do everything!” I yelled into the phone and hung up.
“Actually . . . I can’t do ANYTHING,” I said. “This Master Criminal is so far ahead of me, I’ll never catch up. He or she is the World’s Greatest Thief and is creating the world’s greatest mysteries . . . but I . . . I am not the World’s Greatest Detective. I will never say ‘AHA’ again.”
I was interrupted by the sloth, wheezing and gasping for breath. “Wheeze! Gasp! This high-speed chase is wearing me out! I’m so tired and hungry I can’t go on.”
Chapter 11
I looked around.
The sloth had stopped right in front of Penguini’s Linguini, my favorite restaurant!
And there was Penguini!
“Penguini! Can you fix up some sloth food to help out Mr. Sloth here?”
“No!”
No? What was happening? Penguini is always happy to see me and always happy to serve customers.
“Last night a Master Criminal stole all of my pots and pans!”
“Maybe just a snack from the refrigerator, then?” I said.
“The Master Criminal stole the refrigerator!”
“Can we dig through the trash?”
“The Master Criminal stole that, too! All he left me was one broken automatic pasta maker. Oh, Inspector Flytrap! It’s too much! I’m closing my restaurant . . . FOREVER!”
Penguini locked the door of his restaurant and waddled off.
Chapter 12
My phone rang.
“Flytrap! Darling!” said the loveliest voice ever.
“Wanda!” I cried.
It was my girlfriend, Wanda. Wanda is a rose.
That’s when I had a great idea! An idea that could help me catch the Master Criminal! Maybe I COULD become the World’s Greatest Detective after all!
See, Wanda is also a plant in a pot.
She also needs help getting around.
William the Goat pushes Wanda around on a skateboard. So if William—who is Nina’s boyfriend—would push ME around instead, I could get back on the trail of the Master Criminal, find all of the missing stuff, and free Nina!
“Wanda, could I—” I began.
“Oh, Flytrap!” she interrupted. “It’s so awful! A Master Criminal has kidnapped William the Goat!”
Chapter 13
That was it.
My last hope.
Now it was all over.
I’d never, ever, ever find the Master Criminal.
“By the way,” said the sloth, not all that slowly. “I am the Master Criminal.”
Chapter 14
WHAT?” I said.
“Yep, it’s me,” the sloth said. And again he wasn’t talking slowly at all. If anything he was talking SLIGHTLY FAST!
“But . . . but . . . but the Master Criminal is fast! And nimble! And sure-footed! The Master Criminal has big claws or hooves. The Master Criminal is totally evil!”
“All true,” he said.
Very quickly, the sloth leapt onto the wall of Penguini’s restaurant! Using his big slothy claws, he scampered up the building, disappeared into a window.
Seconds later, the door of Penguini’s restaurant was kicked open and the sloth walked out, carrying a broken automatic pasta maker.
“I almost missed this one!” he said. “Sometimes it’s tough to be TOTALLY evil. You really have to be careful or you wind up missing something. Then you’ve only been partly evil. And that’s just not good enough for a Master Criminal like myself.”
Chapter 15
But why? Why do these evil deeds at all?” I demanded.
“I never wanted to be a Master Criminal . . . not at first. But YOU drove me to it, Flytrap!”
“Me? What did I do?”
“At first, all I wanted was to steal a regular pickle paperweight. But you and your goat got in my way!”
“That was you?”
“Yes! Then I tried to steal the GIANT pickle paperweight! You and your goat got in my way again!”
“That was you?”
“YES! So this time, when I saw my chance to steal the golden pickle paper-weight, I decided to get rid of you AND your goat!”
“Well,” I sneered, “you got my goat out of the way, but now, I, Inspector Flytrap, the World’s Greatest Detective, have caught you!”
“Oh, Flytrap,” giggled the sloth, “I’m afraid it’s the other way around. I, Sloth, the World’s Greatest Master Criminal, have caught YOU!”
As fast as a lightning bolt, he grabbed my phone and flung it on the sidewalk. Klonk! It burst into fifty-seven pieces!
As fast as a striking snake, he swung one of his big slothy claws at my flowerpot. Crack! The pot split in half, and all the dirt—and all of me—spilled out onto the ground!
As fast as the fastest sloth that ever lived, he grabbed my skateboard, jumped on, and rode away.
“Har har de har har de har har!” he laughed with an evil slothy laugh.
Chapter 16
My phone didn’t ring! It couldn’t! The Master Criminal was free to continue his crime spree, and I had no way of even knowing what was happening.
Now I had really lost everything!
I had no phone!
No skateboard!
No flowerpot!
NO NINA!
“I need Nina!” I wailed.
“That IS a big deal,” Nina said.
“Nina! Is it really you?”
“Yepth,” she said with her mouth full. She was busy eating the remains of my phone.
Yes, it really WAS her!
“I thought you were in jail!”
“Ate it.”
“You mean you ate through the bars of your jail cell and escaped?”
“Big steel,” Nina said, and belched.
“Oh, Nina!” I cried and tried to throw my leafy arms around her neck.
“Sloth’s getting away,” she announced.
> “OH MY FLIES!” I cried. “You’re right! Let’s go!”
But then I remembered my stolen skateboard. “It’s no use,” I said. “The sloth has my skateboard. We can’t catch him.”
Nina picked me up with one of her dainty hooves, shook the dirt out of my roots, and tossed me up onto her back.
“No cowboy jokes,” said Nina.
Figure 1: Imagined
Figure 2: Real
But I couldn’t help it. I was just too excited about being back in action again!
“Hi-ho, Nina! AWAY!” I yelled.
Nina did not rear up on her hind legs like the Lone Ranger’s horse. Nina did not whinny with the fury of the chase like the Lone Ranger’s horse. Nina did not run like the wind with thundering hooves like the Lone Ranger’s horse.
“Where to?” she asked, chewing on some of the flowerpot dirt.
That’s when I realized I didn’t know where to go. The sloth was way out of sight by now.
But then I had an idea!
“The sloth has my skateboard! So we CAN catch him! Nina, use your super strong goat hearing. Do you hear it?”
Nina’s ears twitched.
“Tiny squeal.”
“Yes! That’s it! The squeaking wheel of my skateboard!” I said. “Nina, follow that squeal!”
Nina trotted off at a brisk pace.
“Oh,” I said. “I forgot to tell you. The sloth kidnapped your boyfriend, William.”
Figure 3: Awesome
Nina reared up on her hind legs!
Nina whinnied with the fury of the chase!
Nina ran like the wind with thundering hooves!
“Yeeeee-haw!” I yelled, hanging on for dear life.
Chapter 17
Sheesh! Riding like the wind and listening to thundering hooves can really give you a headache!
Even worse, just when we thought we were about to catch the sloth, the squeaking stopped!
Nina skidded to a halt and listened carefully.
“Nope,” she said. “He stopped.”
“He must be nearby!” I said. “Maybe he went into one of these buildings!”
I looked around.
There was a theater showing Sloth Luv Story.
A cafeteria was featuring “All the sloth food you can eat!”
A beauty parlor was advertising “Let us paint your sloth toe claws in rainbow glitter!”
A store was selling “Pinstripe suits for the well-dressed sloth!”
A newsboy was yelling, “Sloth News! Get your Sloth News!”
And a dog show.
“AHA!” I shouted and it felt really good to yell “AHA” again. “I know where he is! He’s hiding in the—”
“Dog show?” asked Nina.
“Yes,” I said. “How did you know?”
“Stolen entry form,” said Nina.
“Well done, Nina!” I said. “Let’s go!”
Nina galloped into the dog show.
“Wow, that’s one ugly dog,” said the dog selling tickets. He pointed at Nina.
Nina ate the tickets and kept going.
We burst into the main arena. There were hundreds of dogs! Every one with beautiful makeup and lovely fluffy fur! And every one different!
One of them must be the sloth. But which one? There was so much lovely fluffy fur I couldn’t tell!
There must be some way to separate a sloth from all these dogs . . .
“AHA!” I yelled. “I’ve got it.”
I grabbed the judge’s microphone.
“SIT!”
Every dog and one sloth sat. The audience applauded, and the judges scribbled on their clipboards.
“SPEAK!”
Every dog and one sloth barked. The audience applauded, and the judges scribbled on their clipboards.
“ROLL OVER!”
Every dog and one sloth rolled over. The audience applauded, and the judges scribbled on their clipboards.
“HANG UPSIDE DOWN!”
Every dog just sat there, but the sloth nimbly jumped onto the big DOG SHOW banner and hung upside down. The audience applauded, and the judges scribbled on their clipboards.
“THERE HE IS! LET’S GET HIM!” I yelled.
I meant to just say this to Nina. But I forgot that I was holding the microphone!
Instantly, every dog and Nina leapt forward and began chasing the sloth! The judges were chasing him, too . . . with a trophy!
Chapter 18
The sloth swung into the air, did a perfect back flip, landed on MY skateboard, and zoomed out the exit!
Nina, the pack of show dogs, the judges, the audience members, and I raced out to the street after him.
The sloth dodged cars, trucks, trolleys, and a very large statue of President Horse G. Horse, and so did we.
Then we saw President Horse himself.
“There goes the thief who stole your limo!” I shouted.
So the president started galloping along with us.
Nina and I were almost run down by a pickup truck going the other way. I turned to yell at the driver and saw it was Mimi Kiwi . . . who was already yelling at us!
“There goes the thief who stole your garden!” I shouted.
Mimi Kiwi screeched into a tight U-turn, gunned the engine, and joined the chase.
We passed the art museum, where Vanessa Cowcow and Lulu Emu were about to unveil a statue called The Ice Cream Truck Made out of Cheese.
“There goes the thief who stole The Sistine Chapstick!” I shouted.
They both hopped into The Ice Cream Truck Made out of Cheese and joined the chase.
Then we passed Koko Dodo’s Cookie Shop, where twenty-three scientific pigs were mad that Koko Dodo had run out of gourmet cookie sprinkles.
“There goes the thief who stole the gourmet cookie sprinkles!” I shouted.
“The chocolate ones or the rainbow ones?” shouted back twenty-three pigs and one dodo.
“ALL OF THEM!”
The pigs hopped onto twenty-three tricycles, and Koko Dodo put on her jetpack, and they all joined the chase.
As we zoomed through downtown, I saw Penguini hanging a CLOSED FOREVER sign on his food truck!
“There goes the thief who stole your pots, pans, refrigerator, and broken automatic pasta maker!” I shouted.
Penguini leapt into the food truck, gunned the engine, and joined the chase!
We passed a construction site. I saw my girlfriend, Wanda, busy at her new job, driving a high-speed bulldozer.
“Wanda! Darling! There goes the thief who kidnapped William!”
BARRROOOOM! She fired up the big bulldozer and joined the chase!
We went over a bridge, and I saw a giant pegleg pirate in a giant pirate ship.
“There goes the thief who stole your giant pickle paperweight!” I shouted.
“Meh,” said the pirate, and he went back to painting pretty unicorns on his pegleg.
We just barely missed a head-on collision with the Countess Poodle-doo’s old-timey limousine.
“There goes the thief who stole the golden pickle paperweight!” I shouted.
MC FreakyFoot, the Countess’s butler and chauffeur, put the limo in reverse. Then he, the Countess, and Sergeant Sniff joined the chase, backwards at full speed!
Now we were an unstoppable tidal wave of justice! Dogs, barnyard animals, flightless birds, two plants, and a variety of potentially dangerous vehicles!
And we were gaining on the Master Criminal!
Chapter 19
What’s that sign say,?” I asked.
“Whblch oneblh?” Nina asked.
“The one you’re eating!”
“Big Yield,” said Nina.
“Ah, a large Yield sign,” I said. “I notice that the word Yield is followed by three exclamation points and the words Danger! Danger! Danger! I wonder what we’re supposed to yield to.”
Nina coughed up part of the sign.
There was more to it.
“Let’s see here . . .” I said. ?
??Ah, yes, it says, ‘YIELD to garbage trucks! City dump ahead! Garbage trucks only! Go slow! Be extremely careful because you’re almost to the place where trucks dump the garbage over the side of the huge cliff into the big garbage pit! Slam on your brakes! OH NO! LOOKOUT! Forget about yielding, just STOP!!!!!’”
But it was way too late to stop now!
We had caught up with the sloth right at the edge of the World’s Biggest Garbage Pit!
Chapter 20
I’ve got him!” I shouted, reaching out with my longest leaf and grabbing the sloth.
“NO, YOU DON’T!” yelled the sloth.
And he swerved the skateboard, hit a ramp, and went high into the air . . . and over the edge of the cliff.
But I held on tight—actually, I couldn’t unwind my leaf in time—and was dragged after him!
“YEEEE-HAW!” I shouted as we plunged over the edge of the cliff toward the big, giant, huge, enormous, stinky city dump!
“YEEEE-HAW!” shouted Nina as she leapt after us with her fast, sure-footed, and nimble hooves! “YEEEE-HAW!” shouted President Horse, Vanessa Cowcow, Lulu Emu, Penguini, Koko Dodo, twenty-three pig scientists, the Countess, the butler, the police dog, my beautiful girlfriend, Wanda, and all the show dogs as they zoomed, swooshed, rumbled, and pedaled after us! (Actually, the pigs all said “Oinnnnnnk!”)
Chapter 21
Kersmash!!
Chapter 22
It took a long time to sort everything out after that.
Or perhaps I should say, DIG everything out.