“Really, I don’t want to intrude.”
“Nonsense, Wilder could probably use some help getting Gwen settled down and back to sleep once I’m gone. She can be a handful.” She says this with an almost vindictively sweet smile, and I can imagine that she thinks a few hours with a five-year-old will act as a deterrent to what she saw when she opened the door.
But all I can think about is that first day in the grocery store, how jealous I’d been of Wilder and his relationship with Gwen. And I know I’m not just in danger of falling for him, but falling for all of it.
Him. His family. His life.
This is what it’s like to crave something. To get addicted from one tiny taste.
Chapter Sixteen
Wilder
Probably not the brightest move, asking Kalli to stay after Mom caught me practically dry humping her against the front door. Okay, so there was no practically about it. But then again, I hadn’t made a lot of bright moves tonight period.
Funny, though, how I don’t regret any of them.
I open the door, and Gwen tumbles forward in her eagerness. I barely manage to throw out a hand and catch her before she falls over the threshold and onto the concrete porch.
“Easy, girl. Why don’t you just step back so Kalli and I can come inside?”
She does, bouncing on her toes like it’s broad daylight instead of the middle of the night. I wonder if she’s just woken up or if she’s been awake for a while. I start to ask Mom as I usher Kalli inside with a hand at her back, but the look she’s wearing silences me.
I expected the awkwardness. It doesn’t matter how old you get, it’s still weird to make out with someone anywhere near your parents, let alone with them watching. I’m surprised by how upset she seems, angry even. She’s quick to hide it when Kalli looks back at me over her shoulder.
“I really need to get going,” Mom says. “But can I speak to you first? In the kitchen?”
Shit. That can’t be good.
“Uh, sure. Kalli, you mind watching Gwen?”
She gives me a smile so sweet, so brilliant that I actually lose my train of thought. It just snaps and flies away into the void, and I’m left staring until my mother says, “Wilder? Kitchen.”
“Right.” I look back once more because I can’t help it and say, “Gwen, don’t maul Kalli too much. Or she might not come back.”
“What’s maul?” Gwen asks.
Mom mumbles, “Something your brother is a little too familiar with this evening.”
Kalli blushes, and I steer Mom toward the kitchen before this situation can spiral any more out of control. There’s a swinging door that separates the kitchen from the living room, and it’s still swaying when Mom spins and focuses on me.
“God, Wilder, I can smell the alcohol on you from here.”
And just like that, the high I’d been on since Kalli caught me outside on those steps vanishes, and all the alcohol in my stomach starts to feel like cement.
“I didn’t think you were going to need me tonight.”
Mom sighs, and digs her fingers into the hair at her temples, messing up her smooth ponytail. “I know. I’m sorry. You’re right. It’s just … your sister woke up when the hospital called. And I’m stressed. And I guess I’ve gotten used to the way things have been lately. It’s been a while since you’ve gone out and done …” She trails off and makes a sweeping gesture that encompasses me and then flicks off in the direction of the living room. Kalli’s direction, presumably.
I don’t like how disappointed she sounds. The alcohol, I can live with. But I want her to like Kalli, because I plan on making this one stick around for a while.
Then maybe don’t feel a girl up on your porch like a horny high school kid if you want to impress your mom, asshole.
I sigh and run a hand over my face. With my eyes closed, it hits me just how heavy and tired I feel.
“It’s not what you think it is, Mom,” I finally say. “This wasn’t like the days with the band. I was at a friend’s house. Everything was under control. And Kalli—”
“Yes, please explain who this girl is and how my daughter knows her. Tell me you’re not taking Gwen around random women. I thought you knew better than that.”
“Don’t, Mom.”
“The key word in that sentence is Mom. And because I’m your mother, you can’t tell me not to be concerned with how your behavior affects your sister.”
“You’re acting like she’s some girl I picked up off the street. She’s not. I like her.”
“Well, I’m certainly glad you at least like the girl you molested on my porch.”
God. I’d forgotten how exhausting it could be to have a parent around. I’d moved out right after high school, started doing the music thing. It’s been a while since I had to answer to anyone else for my actions, and it fucking chafes.
I take a deep breath, trying to order my thoughts. Because with this much alcohol in my system, saying the first thing that comes to my mind is not a good idea.
“Gwen and I ran into Kalli one day at the grocery store. Gwen was throwing one of her fits, and Kalli talked her down. Then we ran into her again when I took Gwen dress shopping. One of her friends works at the second hand shop. That’s whose house I was at tonight actually. I know what it looked like out on the porch, but I swear … this is a good thing. You’ll like her. Or I hope you will anyway, because I’m thinking she’s going to be around a lot more.”
Mom looks only slightly appeased by my explanation. “Fine. I trust you. And you’re obviously old enough to make your own decisions. I shouldn’t pry. But please … think about your sister before you do things like this. She’s clearly already attached to this girl, and she’s had enough upheaval in her life lately without you bringing people in and out of her life.”
“I’m not doing that. I swear. This is …” I trail off because my gut wants me to protest and say how serious this is. But then I remind myself that I’ve probably not even spent twenty-four hours with Kalli when you add up all our time together. There’s no way it should feel as serious as it does, especially considering I’ve never been the type to jump into a relationship, and even an hour ago I was convinced I needed to cut myself off from her completely.
“Well, like I said,” Mom continues, “I trust you. Or I’m attempting to anyway. I need to head to the hospital. I don’t mind if she stays for a while, but Wilder … your sister is in the house. And she’s a light sleeper. I hope you’ll be considerate and smart in my absence.”
I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t dying to get my hands on Kalli again, but Mom is right. My mother’s house isn’t the best place for that. Because I have every intention of making my first time with Kalli so fucking memorable that she won’t even think about running.
“Of course, Mom. I promise.”
She purses her lips, and I can tell she’s worried about leaving. I lean down and press a kiss to her forehead. She gives an exaggerated cough and waves a hand in front of her face, reminding me that I reek of alcohol. When our eyes meet again, we both laugh, and I say, “Any chance you already made some coffee?”
She lifts her chin in the direction of the countertop across the room and says, “In the pot.”
I sigh and head that way. I hear the kitchen door swing open, so I assume she has left as I pour myself a mug. I turn to go ask Kalli if she wants one, only to find my mother standing in the open doorway, still staring at me.
“What’s up, Mom?”
She shakes her head, blinking her eyes, as if she wasn’t even aware that she’d been staring. “Nothing. Just … it’s strange how life can change so very drastically, but somehow, underneath, it feels the same.”
I’m still a little too drunk to parse out the meaning behind her words, so I just say, “Love you, Mom. Have a good shift.”
“Sure. Thanks. And let’s have dinner sometime soon. All of us.” She tilts her head back in the direction of the living room, where I can hear Gwen talking
a mile a minute through the open door.
That’s a lot. Dinner with the family. Kalli might have said she was in this out on the porch, but that doesn’t mean I should throw her straight into the lion’s den. I nod to appease Mom, and so that she can be on her way. I’ll just postpone until things are more … stable.
I grab my mug, and follow her out. She stops to hug Gwen, but I don’t even think my sister notices. Or at least she doesn’t stop talking. Kalli smiles patiently as she talks, lifting her eyes momentarily to my mother, and I can read the unease in her expression.
Mom grabs her things, says her goodbyes, and heads out the door. Gwen pauses momentarily after the door thuds shut, and in the silent moment, my eyes meet Kalli’s. There’s a softness there that I think is a good sign, but other than that I can’t tell what she’s feeling.
“You want some coffee?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “No, I’m good. Thanks.”
“Water? Soda? Food?”
“No, Wilder. I’m fine. I promise.”
Okay then. I focus my attention on Gwen, who has pressed herself a little closer to Kalli’s side. In a moment, she’ll likely be sprawled across her lap if I don’t do something.
“Okay squirt. Time for you to go back to bed. It’s way too late for you.”
Immediately, she starts to whine. “Can I stay up just a little while with you and Kalli? Please, please, please?” When I don’t answer, she rises up on her knees on the couch and continues, “Please, please, please?”
“Gwen.” I sigh. God, I’m so bad at saying no to her. I glance at Kalli, and she’s holding in a laugh. “ Do you mind?”
She shakes her head quickly. “Not at all.”
“Okay. You can stay up a little while longer. But you have to sit on the couch and be calm. If you don’t settle down, you’ll never get back to sleep. How about I put on a movie and you can watch a little of that before bed?”
And that’s how I end up watching Frozen, drunk, in the middle of the night with my little sister and the girl I’m infatuated with. Because once again … I don’t know how to tell her no.
I start the Disney movie, and then flip the living room lights off. The hallway light keeps it from being too dark. I hit play on the DVD remote, and while the movie begins, I pop into the kitchen and empty the last of the coffee into my mug. I’m rinsing the pot out in the sink when I feel a hand low on my back. I turn, expecting it to be Gwen, but it’s Kalli. Her hand lingers, and the visceral attraction I feel for her comes back with a vengeance. She says something, but my eyes are stuck on the movement of her lips, the way they curve and purse, the tiny peek of her tongue when she enunciates something.
And I have to kiss her. The urge comes on so strong that I don’t have any time to stifle it. I curve my hand around her neck, and pull her forward, stopping her mouth mid-sentence. She laughs against my mouth, but when I coax her lips open with my tongue, she moans. Her fingers grapple against my chest, pulling the fabric into her fists.
The lightness in my head that came from the alcohol amplifies into something so buoyant, so electric that it doesn’t feel real. It occurs to me then that I could be dreaming. Maybe Christmas hasn’t even happened yet. Or maybe I passed out at Lennox’s place, and this is my brain reacting to my own subconscious desires. My hesitation gives her the chance to break away.
With her hands still fisted in my shirt, she turns her head to the side, and laughs softly under her breath. Those few short chuckles give way to a long sigh, and she leans in until her forehead rests against my chest. I wonder if she can feel the way my heart is booming beneath her.
“Sorry,” I murmur, my voice a low rumble. She loosens her grip, and then smoothes down the parts of my shirt she’d pulled on. Her hands run over my chest, and it sends a shock of need through my system. I know if I don’t get us back into the living room with my sister, I’m going to lift her up on the kitchen counter, and get the taste I’m dying for. “What were you saying? I got a little distracted by your mouth.”
She pulls back, tilting her head up to look at me through long lashes. “Your sister is cold. I was asking where I could find a blanket.”
I graze my knuckles over her cheek, marveling at how soft her skin is. “I’ll grab a couple. You go get comfortable.” Before I let things get too comfortable in here.
She steps back, and I let my hand fall. She begins to turn, but then pauses. “I meant what I said outside. I am in this. But …” She swallows, and nerves knot in my throat, making it hard to swallow. “This is all new to me. And I want to do it right.”
My hands itch to reach for her, but I think the distance she put between us is purposeful.
“I want to do it right, too.”
She swallows, and stares down at the floor for a few moments before her gaze flicks back up to mine. She squares her shoulders like she’s about to face off against an enemy and tilts her chin up bravely.
“I think we should take things slowly. It’s not smart for me to just jump in head first. I know you said we couldn’t do this one moment at a time, but I need us to take small steps, to do this at a more normal speed.”
I do close the distance then, cupping her cheeks, and tilting her face up to mine. “That’s not what I meant when I said that. I just needed to know where you stood, that was all. I needed to know you were willing to give this a shot. But there’s no pressure here beyond that, I promise.” Shit. Maybe I’d gone too far in the kitchen at Lennox’s apartment. She was there, her skin under my hands, and I got carried away. Was it my own damn fault that she was so indecisive? She said she wasn’t the kind of girl to do a one-nighter, but maybe that night was even farther out of her wheelhouse than I imagined. “You set the pace,” I tell her. “As long as you’re here, that’s all I care about.”
Her eyes flutter closed, lashes casting shadows on her cheeks, and she presses her face a little harder into my palm. We head back into the living room together, and Gwen has already zoned in on the movie, shutting out the rest of the world. I lay my coffee on the end table, and grab two blankets out of the hallway closet.
Back at the couch, I squeeze into the space between Kalli and the armrest, then start unfolding one of the blankets. Before I even get it open, Gwen crawls over Kalli’s lap, and shoves herself between us, so that she’s resting partly on each of our laps. But that’s not good enough. Wordlessly, she continues wiggling until Kalli laughs and inches over enough that my little sister plops down between us.
Gwen grabs my unfolded blanket, pulling it up and over her, and my eyes connect with Kalli’s above her head. She’s not laughing anymore, but I can still see it on her face. Her eyes are bright in the dim room, and I lay my arm across the back of the couch. Gwen is small enough that I can still wrap my arm around Kalli, even with her between us. And while my sister focuses back on the cartoon, we stay staring at each other.
And something happens in me. Bigger than the night we spent together, or our talk in the kitchen, or even than our moment on the porch. I don’t know how to describe it except to say that it feels … simple. Like finally finding the right fit for a puzzle piece after spending too long trying to cram it into a space that wasn’t quite right.
With the movie playing in the background, Gwen’s cold feet tucked under my thigh, and my hand brushing through Kalli’s silky soft hair, more music filters through my mind, underscoring the moment.
Is this how it feels to fall?
Not so complicated after all.
Chapter Seventeen
Kalli
Forty-five minutes into the movie, both brother and sister have fallen asleep. Gwen is slumped over into my lap, her feet stretched out over Wilder’s thighs, and he’s leaning into the armrest, his head dropped back against the cushions. I give in to the strange impulse to cry when I look at them, and in seconds my cheeks and neck are damp from flowing, silent tears.
I want to scold myself for being ridiculous. Or laugh at my absurd mind, but I can’t. Not here
. Not when it’s dark and quiet, and I can feel Gwen breathe against me, and Wilder’s hand still lays warm and heavy against the back of my neck, even in sleep.
I can’t stop my tears because this … this simple moment is something I never would have let myself even dream of, and it’s opening doors that have long been closed, and it aches in the best possible way to feel the dust being blown away.
This is what it’s like to just be. To exist at the very pinnacle of the present. To exist not for another person or a purpose or because of some bigger plan by fate, but for my own fulfillment. When I held onto the inspiration, when I let it take me over, I’d thought that freeing. I remember thinking that I felt truly alive for the very first time. I was wrong. This. Here. On this lumpy couch, I know better than I ever have what it means to live.
I let them both sleep a little while longer, alternating between watching the movie and watching the siblings. Gwen’s hair is lighter, finer, but it curls the same way Wilder’s does. His other hand, the one not resting against my neck is strewn over one of Gwen’s ankles. They’ve got the same skin color, only his is marked and decorated with black and colored ink.
Finally, I decide that Gwen is completely out, and that she’d be better off in her bed. Besides … I can’t stay all night. Even if I want to, even if could spend days just soaking up what it feels like to be with them. I don’t want his mother to come home and find me here. And if I’m honest, I don’t know how safe it is. The energy in me is at low, definitely manageable levels. But it should be nearly non-existent after my last connection with Jack only hours ago. I don’t know what it is, but something about Wilder calls not just to my heart and my spirit, but to my ability too. It rises faster when he’s around. And before I know what that means, I shouldn’t spend prolonged, unnecessary time with him.
Carefully, I slide an arm beneath Gwen’s legs, and another around her shoulders. I maneuver her as gently as I can into my arms. She doesn’t stir, and it takes all my core body strength to stand up smoothly. I kick off the blanket that clings to my feet, and walk her back through the hallway in the direction of where I think her room is. Luckily the first door I nudge open with my toe is definitely hers. Small pink twin bed in the middle. Toys and stuffed animals strewn about. Messy, slept-in sheets.