CHAPTER SEVEN
I promised myself that I wouldn't panic but I'm beginning to panic.
It's been a week and a half since the interview and I haven't heard a word from United Blue. Throughout the work day and the whole train ride home I tried to think of a logical explanation as to why they haven't called but I have yet to come up with a good one. What if I don't get the job? Can I still move? I'll have to. For my dignity, I'll have to go through with the move, but what if I never find a job? Then I'll use up my savings and eventually go broke. I'll be evicted. They'll repossess my new car. My darling BMW, how am I losing you before I even have you?
This is why I don't take risk. This is why I always play it safe. I know what I'll do. I'll ask Deloitte for my job back. No. I've already decided I can't stay in New York. I've declared my departure. Everyone is waiting to see if I have the balls to go through with it.
By the time I walk the five blocks from the train station to my building I'm in the middle of a mild panic attack. I begin to talk my nerves calm, "Take it easy Leah. You're over reacting. You're scheduled to move this weekend and that's exactly what you're going to do." Besides I'm sure I got the job at United Blue, Peter Boyd made it clear that he wanted me for the position. He practically offered me the position right there on the spot. I'm just getting cold feet, worrying for nothing.
When I enter the lobby to my building, I see Robert there looking like a pitiful loser. I walk pass him without any form of acknowledgement. He follows me into the elevator.
"What do you want Robert?” I ask while I search for my keys in front of my apartment door - found them.
"You were going to leave without telling me good-bye?"
"I've already told you good-bye." I open my door. He places his foot in the doorway blocking me from closing it in his face.
"Can I come in?"
"No. Please move your foot."
"After five years you can't give me a few minutes of your time?"
"No, I can't. Please move your foot."
"I'm not leaving until I say what I have to say."
"Fine," I say and let him in. "Say what you have to say then leave." He follows me into the kitchen and watches while I throw something in the microwave.
Looking distressed, he rakes his hands through his fade, and takes a seat at the kitchen table. "I'm not sure what to say."
"Why? You haven't gotten your lies together yet?" I ask tapping my fingers impatiently on the granite counter top.
"I've never lied to you Leah."
"Another lie, but I don't hold it against you. You can't help it. You're just speaking your native tongue."
"So you really think I'm sleeping with Kari?"
"Yeah, especially since you were in her bedroom hiding when I was at her apartment last week."
"What? I wasn't in her damn bedroom. I was at work unable to focus, thinking of you." He looks genuinely shocked and offended, acting the role of the falsely accused boyfriend meticulously.
"If you weren't there, how do you know what I told Kari?"
"When I went to pick up my car from Kari's place she told me some ridiculous story about you coming over there convinced that I was the father of her baby."
"Ridiculous?" I ask calmly.
"Of course that's ridiculous. Is this why you're doing all this, 'cause you think I've been sleeping with Kari?"
"She admitted it to me."
"That's impossible." He snaps, defending his innocence with over the top outrage. "She'd never tell you that...It's not true. Kari is a nut job. She weirds me out and scares the crap out me most of the time. I'd never have an affair with her?"
"Well that's what she told me."
"You must have misunderstood."
"If you think so call her up." I dare him coolly.
"Okay. Fine. I will." He hesitantly removes his cell phone from his pocket. "What's her number?"
"You tell me. I'm sure you know all her numbers by memory."
"I can't believe you Leah, what kind of man do you take me for? You think I would risk what we have by sleeping with your best friend?"
"Save the act and dial her up."
"I will. I just need her number."
Tired of the games, I snatch the phone from his hand, navigate through his recent calls and find her name. "Here you go Robert, you called her twenty minutes ago at work." He opens his mouth to explain "Save it. Just call her…And put her on speaker."
She picks up on the second ring. "Hey Boo Bear, how did it go with Leah? Is she still moving?" Kari's words spill out before Robert can stop her.
"Kari, stop your shit." He barks at her. "You know I'm over by Leah's. She's saying that you told her we are having some type of affair."
"What?" Kari tries to sound shocked but fails. She's losing her touch. "When was this? I never told her that." I roll my eyes at Robert. "Is Leah there? Let me talk to her."
"I'm right here Kari. What is it that you want to talk to me about?" I ask dryly.
"When did I tell you I was messing around with your man? You complain about him so much, why in the world would I want him? And he's not even my type."
"Really?"
"Yes really," she tells me, pissing me off.
They think I'm an idiot. They want to play - ok, let's play.
"Robert are you sleeping with Kari?"
"Hell no!"
"Ok. Well, I need to hear you tell Kari how you feel about me, our future together, and how badly you want me."
"What?"
"You heard me. Tell her all the things you tell me. All of it."
"Uhm...well..."
"Don't be shy Boo Bear she'd love to hear how much you love her best friend. Wouldn't you sis?"
Slowly Robert begins to talk about how much he loves me and I'm the only woman he has ever loved and ever will love. The only woman he'd ever marry or want to carry his baby...
"Whatever. I give up. Do what you want Leah. I have my baby to worry about." She abruptly hangs up.
My anger turns to guilt. Kari didn't deserve that. I owed her better. He owed her better, she's caring his child.
"Robert you have stooped to a new low. You're going to have her lie for you. What did you threaten not to go to the ultrasound with her if she didn't go along with this? And how could you say those things to her while she's pregnant with your child?"
"Enough is enough Leah." Angrily he pops up out of the chair. "If you want to leave me fine, leave me. Admit you never loved me, but don't dare stand there and accuse me of impregnating your best friend." He's so convincing I'm beginning to doubt myself. Maybe he isn't sleeping with Kari. Maybe it's all in my head. I watched the Maury Povish talk show once - Kari loves that show - a guest brought her mate to take a lie detector test because she was certain he was cheating on her. She was convinced of it. I completely believed her, until the lie detector proved that he wasn't. It was all in her head. Maybe, I'm that crazy woman from The Maury Show and it's all in my head.
"Baby," Robert says tenderly, taking me away from my thoughts of the crazy talk show guest. The hurt embodied in his tone made me feel like scum. "How can you think I would ever do anything to betray your trust? Don't you know how much I love you?" He walks over to me and begins to caress my arms, he pulls me to him and my body tenses.
"Stop pushing me away," he whispers in between kissing my neck. Feeling weak, I give in and kiss him back. I want so badly to believe him and go back to the way things were. It's safer.
He's my safety net. He always has been. I'm scared. I don't know what the future holds, and I don't want to start over at twenty-eight. I don't want to be alone. Who says that I'll find someone better than Robert? He's successful, a future senator, attractive, and let's not forget completely straight - a rare quality for men today. I know what to expect from him and he knows what to expect from me. I'm no great catch. I'm pretty screwed up in the head. Most men pass on damaged goods. Robert's unfaithful and a manipulative liar but I already know that.
What horrible characteristics will the next guy bring, if there is a next guy?
"I love you," he begins to unbutton my shirt. "Let me make love to you." He urges with his typical impatience, always forceful and insistent when it comes to sex. I can't stand that about him.
"I've already made plans," I say stepping away from him.
"You can change them," he persists. Turning my back to him, I take my lukewarm fish dinner out of the microwave.
"I've already given up my apartment."
"You can move in with me."
"No," I tell him firmly. "I'm leaving for PA on Friday. My mind is made up." I walk him towards the door. "I'm tired. You should go."
"What if we get engaged?"
Surprised at what my ears told me they heard, I turn around. He looks more shocked than I am.
"Was that your poor attempt at a proposal?"
"Would it make you stay?"
"Do you have a ring?" I ask, but I already know the answer.
"No, but I could get one."
"Good-bye Robert. Enjoy the rest of your life." I hold the door open, pushing him to exit my apartment.
"At least let me help you move. You can't relocate to another state by yourself. You need help."
The offer sounds so good. I need someone to hold my hand. I desperately need the emotional support. I can't do this alone.
"No." I force myself to say.
"Just as a friend."
"I said no Robert," I tell him with shaky finality in my voice.
"But I've already taken a week off from work."
I can't help but weaken. "Just as friends?"
"Yeah. After five years we can at least stay friends. I think we owe each other that don't you?"
"Yeah, I think so too."
"Night. See you on Friday."
"Robert," I call out as he walks out the door.
"Yeah," he turns around.
"Thanks."
"You don't have to thank me. I love you Leah. I'll always be there when you need me. You know that."
Closing the door I know that's at least partially true. Is there enough truth in it for me to go back to him? No. I can't continue to live a lie. I'll lose my mind. But I do think there's enough truth in it for us to remain friends. For the past five years we've been more friends than lovers anyway.
I don't know how I would have managed if Robert hadn't been here with me this past week. He has been such a great help. I would have fallen apart without him. He helped with the movers and with putting the beds and everything else up. We test drove my new BMW. Of course he doesn't feel it's as good as his Jaguar. We drove around the neighborhood and Philadelphia. Robert likes the area but he prefers New York.
Kari hasn't called. Carol told me that she thinks Kari is upset with me for leaving her while she's pregnant. I doubt that. She's upset with me for taking Robert away from her. Too bad, she'll have to deal with it the same way I did for five freaking years.
I still haven't gotten a job offer from United Blue. Yesterday, I called the head hunter requesting that she get a yes or no from them. My nerves have been shaky all day waiting for that call, but I have a plan B. I have an interview on Monday for a temporary staff accountant position. It's paying only a fraction of what I was making, but beggars can't be choosers. My salary there would be able to cover my rent. That way my savings can last a little longer. "Good morning gorgeous," Robert says as he walks into my bedroom shirtless. I made him stay in the guess room this past week, and he has been a really good sport about it.
"Good morning yourself," I flash him a smile then go back to watching television. He lies down on his stomach next to me on the bed.
"What do you want to do today? It's my last day here." I take my eyes off the TV and turn to look at him; his welcoming brown eyes and generous smile. Like a brick over the head, it hits me that we are over - we're really over.
I'm terrified. It's all feeling real now with him lying next to me, as we decide what to do our last day together. We are really over. Five years of my life coming to an end. Now that it's ending, I'm not sure I want to give him up. This past week with him makes me remember why I stayed the five years. Looking at him now I see the man I met at Carol's party, and I'm reminded of how good it felt to have a man look at me the way he did then.
I act like it's all him but there were a lot of things that I pushed him to. Always rejecting him sexually and pushing him away, that can make any man cheat. How did I let this relationship fail? How did I mess this up?
"Since you can't decide how about I take you to breakfast." I pass my hands through his hair. "You are one handsome man Robert Cole." He smiles.
I give him a light kiss on the lips. He responds with a deep kiss filled with fervor. When I tense up he doesn't notice. Instead of slowing down he gets on top of me, spreading my legs open with his knees. I try to play along, pretend to like it, keep quite inside and think of a good place, but I can't. I don't want to be touched. Sometimes I can tolerate it but not now. I feel dominated. I feel filthy.
"I'm starving," I inform him once I get my lips free. He doesn't hear me or is pretending not to. Playfully I push at his shoulders. "What happened to breakfast mister? I'm starving."
He finally rolls off me irritated. Pretending not to notice I quickly head for the bathroom.
After breakfast we went shopping at Center City Philadelphia. Actually, I shopped while Robert walked along side of me texting the whole time. We are just reaching back now at two. The head hunter had called while I was at the mall but I didn't pick up. While Robert is lying down in the guestroom, I close my bedroom door and call her back.
"Hello, can you transfer me to Denise Kalzowitz please?" By the time Denise gets on the phone my heart is pounding a hundred miles a minute against my chest.
"Good afternoon Leah, how have you been?" She is stalling, that can't be a good sign.
Losing my patience, I cut to the chase. "Have you heard from United Blue?"
"Yes...Unfortunately they've decided to pass."