“Can you believe this?” Cato rants. “It’s like the commanders want us to think like the Medis! Aren’t we supposed to be against their twisted logic?”
“But Cato,” Aneira responds, unusually passionate, “how can we expect to fight them, if we don’t know how they operate? We have to be as strong, as fearless, as they are. Or else we’ll never win!”
They launch into a heated discussion, which Nazirah immediately tunes out. Talk of bad memories and overcoming fears has led Nazirah to a place she doesn’t want to go, a place she’s spent weeks trying to avoid. And now she’s being forced there. With Adamek Morgen, yet again, as her teacher.
Cato notices her silence. “How are you handling this, Irri?”
“I’ll be fine Cato, don’t worry,” Nazirah reassures him. “I can handle myself.” Nazirah smiles encouragingly at Lumi, but she appears lost in her own thoughts. At least Nazirah isn’t alone in not wanting Adamek to mess with her head.
He returns barely a minute later, alone. “Caal.”
Cato rises from his seat. He gives Nazirah’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze and follows Adamek out the door. Nazirah wonders what his memory will be. Will Cato think about his family? About how he left his little sister and older brother behind in Rafu, when they came here to start this new, hopefully not final, chapter of their lives?
More names are called and Nazirah’s classmates dwindle. What waits for her in the Iluxor? Nazirah is torn between wanting to see her parents and wanting to see nothing at all. And she isn’t the only one. Most of her remaining classmates also appear frightened and nervous. Adamek enters the room after calling Ansel Mays and Nazirah knows she’s next.
“Nation.”
Nazirah is already off her chair. She follows him into an empty classroom. Adamek shuts the door behind them. He motions for her to take a seat in one of the wooden chairs in front. As she sits, Nazirah notices it’s drizzling outside. The window is cracked open and a cool breeze gently blows in. Nazirah shivers lightly. Adamek sits across from her. He has long sleeves on today. Nazirah hasn’t been alone with him since they fought in the library, since before Lumi’s confession. She stares at the desk, unbidden thoughts of the two of them together. He takes in her odd behavior, but says nothing.
“How short are these memories?” she asks. “It seems like recruits have been going in and out so quickly.”
He fills up two syringes with serum, each a quarter full. “Time works differently under the Iluxor,” he says. “What feels like hours in your mind can translate as a few minutes in reality. It all depends on the individual, on the memory.”
“Can I choose the memory I want?”
“It’s possible,” Adamek says, “but it’s not something you would know how to do yet. Only someone with years of experience could lead you through it.”
Adamek reaches into his pocket, takes out an elastic strap. He ties it gently around Nazirah’s upper arm. Nazirah squirms in her seat, cringing as Adamek injects her. Adamek unties the elastic and tosses it onto the table. He then unceremoniously injects himself with the remaining syringe.
“What are you doing?” she asks warily.
Adamek disposes the used needles in a nearby closed container. He grabs the Iluxor from the desk and sets it carefully in Nazirah’s lap. “A curious girl like you should have figured this out by now,” he says.
Nazirah is shocked. “You’re going in my head with me?”
“This isn’t something a beginner does alone.”
“This isn’t happening!”
Adamek’s eyes sparkle playfully. “Trust me.”
Trust him?
Is he kidding?
“Maybe in your next life,” Nazirah scoffs. But she really just wants to get this over with. She reaches out to place a hand on the Iluxor, remembering Adamek mentioning something about sensory vibrations. Adamek catches it, stopping her. Nazirah pulls her hand away quickly. “What?” she asks.
“I have to clear it first,” he says. “Or else it would be Ansel Mays’s memory that we’re seeing. And I’m not interested in watching him fumble through losing his virginity again.”
Nazirah flushes, not wanting to see that either. Adamek touches a small corner of the glass. The Iluxor shines brightly before turning transparent. “It stores memories?” she asks. “That’s such an invasion of privacy.”
“It doesn’t store memories.” He sighs, grabbing her hand and placing it on top of the Iluxor. “It has vibrational memory, meaning that the last thing it channels is kept at a certain frequency in the machine, until erased. That’s just how it works.”
“Fine, so it stores a memory,” Nazirah mutters, trying to ignore Adamek’s hand over hers. “It’s still an imposition on a person’s most private secrets. Especially with someone else watching.”
Adamek places his hand on the surface of the Iluxor as well. Nazirah watches, transfixed, as the glass cube under their fingers begins filling with glittering white mist. There is an impish spark in his eyes. “Have secrets to hide, do we?”
Nazirah thinks of Adamek and Lumi, of his strange tattoos, of how she still doesn’t know anything about him or his motives. “I’m not the only one.”
He touches the corner of the glass once more with his free hand. “No,” he says quietly. “You’re not.”
#
The white cliffs of Rafu greet her first.
They wave, smiling hello to an old friend they haven’t seen in months. Nazirah’s hair whips violently around her face as her senses imbibe the salty smell of the sea. The air is fat off grass and sunshine, the rays like warm velvet upon her skin. A cliff drops off a few yards ahead. The cerulean and emerald Eridian lagoons glitter below, waiting patiently.
Nazirah wears the same clothes as in class, except now she is barefoot. She can feel the prickly grass under her feet. Adamek stands next to her. Nazirah finds that their hands are intertwined. He stares at their hands and then releases her. “What is it with you and bare feet?” he asks, voice slightly distorted.
Nazirah looks down, realizing he still has shoes on. She finds this inappropriately hilarious. Her laughter echoes strangely, like she is at the bottom of a well.
Nazirah hears voices behind her in the distance and instantly knows what memory this is. She sees a slightly younger version of herself running up the cliff towards them, Cato trailing not far behind. Nazirah wants to ask Adamek how she can see herself, if this is her memory, but she doesn’t question the Medi science.
She is fifteen again.
Nazirah looks younger here, but not by much. Her hair is slightly shorter, just as unruly, and bleached heavily from the intense sunlight. Her chest is flatter, hips narrower, body tanner from lying on the beach all day. Her smile is as bright as the sun above her, unburdened by the troubles she carries now. Even though her father has been ill for months and her family is struggling to survive, this Nazirah is filled with youthful optimism she never imagines will be ripped from her. This is the carefree girl of her past.
This is Irri.
“Cato, come on!”
Irri steps a few feet in front of Nazirah, looking over her shoulder, waiting for Cato to catch up. Nazirah wonders if she really sounds like that. She takes in her former self’s choice of white shorts and ratty tank top. She practically lived in that shirt all summer.
Cato comes into view behind Irri, slightly out of breath. Nazirah is startled by how much he has grown up in the past three years. He looks like a little boy here, at sixteen. Nazirah will definitely tease him about that later.
“Irri, this is such a bad idea,” Cato says, but his smile tells her otherwise.
Irri walks forward a little farther. She stops at the edge of the cliff, which juts out almost a hundred feet above the lagoon. Irri peers down, then glances back at Cato excitedly. “A bad idea is just a good idea done wrong.”
“Irri …” Cato warns.
Irri backs away from the edge. She gently takes his hands. “Trust me?”
/> Nazirah remembers several weeks ago, when she purposely asked Cato that again by the swings. And then, just before, Adamek said the same thing to her. She looks at him curiously, but he’s focused on the scene before them.
Is it a coincidence?
“You know I do.”
“Then don’t be such a coward,” Irri says mischievously. Without further pretense, Irri strips off her tank top, exposing a deep navy bra below. She tosses the shirt on the grass casually and unbuttons her shorts. Irri turns away from Cato, not giving him another thought.
Nazirah is mortified. Did she really do that? She would never undress like that in front of Cato now! Nazirah doesn’t dare peep at Adamek again. Cato looks at Irri longingly, clearly conflicted. Nazirah’s heart drops into her stomach. They started this far back, his feelings for her? She wishes more than ever that Adamek wasn’t here to see this. This moment isn’t for him.
Irri kicks off her shorts, revealing mismatched underwear underneath. She walks back to the edge of the cliff. Cato, fears alleviated, smiles widely and pulls off his shirt. He comes up beside her. “This is crazy,” he says.
Irri entwines their hands. She and Cato stare into the serene waters below, then share a significant look. Nazirah knows exactly what Irri will say next. She mouths the words along with her, a single tear rolling down her cheek.
“No,” they say. “This is beautiful.”
Chapter Ten
The memory fades away.
Nazirah finds herself sitting in the drafty classroom once again, gasping. She forces herself to take deep gulps of air. She looks up, notices Adamek watching her. There is an emotion behind his eyes she cannot place. But Nazirah isn’t focusing on that. She can’t stop thinking of that memory, of that indescribable rush, of that feeling.
“Can we do it again?” she whispers.
Adamek shakes his head, not taking his eyes off her. He lifts the glass cube from Nazirah’s lap, placing it on the desk beside them. “Like I said … Medi soldiers use the Iluxor to face their worst fears and move past them. But it’s more popularly used recreationally throughout Mediah. Medis use it to escape reality. Many of them get hooked on it, addicted like it’s a drug. Reliving their past over and over again becomes their reality, their present, their future. It can be very dangerous if you aren’t careful.”
Nazirah looks wistfully at the dormant glass, thinking about how she uses reading as her own escape tool. She wonders how it will ever suffice, now that she knows what else is possible. “I never thought Medis would need to escape reality,” she says.
Adamek stands up. “Intermix don’t have a monopoly on human suffering, Nation.”
“I know that,” she snaps, rising from her seat as well. Deep in her heart, Nazirah isn’t sure if she’s ever really realized it before. They walk to the door, which Adamek holds open for her. Nazirah should just leave, but she feels like there is more she needs to say.
“Thank you,” she tells him quickly, before losing her nerve. Nazirah hopes he understands. She isn’t just thanking him for today. She’s also thanking him for several weeks ago, for helping her fight again, helping her find herself … twisted as his teaching methods are. She’s out the door when he calls to her.
“Don’t thank me yet,” he says. “Not until you’ve fully experienced this.”
Nazirah knows he’s right. She will eventually have to face far worse memories than the one from today. And she won’t be thanking him then.
#
Later that night, Nazirah sits around a campfire with the other recruits. As the flames dance and flicker before her, she cannot stop replaying that memory in her head. The Iluxor is all the rest of her friends can talk about too.
“That was so insane today,” Taj says, picking up a stone thoughtfully and tossing it in his hand. “I never realized how advanced the Medis are, if they can pull stuff like that! It was weird because I was looking at myself, even though it was my memory, and I was watching myself as a child play with my father. We were skipping rocks along the River Syx. It’s this really dungy river in the northern part of the Red West.” He sighs. “And it was so uncomfortable because Morgen was there.”
Lumi agrees, nodding her head. “Yes, it was unnerving! I watched myself and my sisters build a snow fort back home when we were much younger. I can’t believe I ever looked so awkward! Remember those days, Ani?”
“Sure,” Aneira responds.
“What was your memory?” Nazirah asks.
At that, Aneira breaks out a rare grin. “My mom,” she says simply, and leaves it at that. Nazirah smiles at her.
“Irri, what was your memory?” Cato asks.
“Remember the first time we ever cliff dove in Rafu?” she asks, knowing Cato remembers it well. “A few years ago?”
Cato’s reaction isn’t what Nazirah expects. Instead of laughing about it, he looks upset and confused. He leans into her, trying and failing to speak privately. “That was the memory you saw?”
“That’s what I just said!” Nazirah laughs, trying to put him at ease. “You all should have seen Cato’s face,” Nazirah tells their friends. “He was so scared!” She punches him gently in the shoulder. “Why?”
Cato is thoughtful. “It’s just,” he says, hesitating, “that was my memory too.”
“What are the chances the two of you would see the same one?” asks Taj.
“Not good, I would imagine,” Lumi replies.
Nazirah thinks about how Adamek said to trust him, his playful look. It wasn’t a coincidence after all. “I don’t understand,” Nazirah says slowly. “Why would Morgen show me the same memory you had?”
There is silence. Then, “Maybe he wanted to see it again,” Aneira suggests.
Cato and Lumi visibly tense. Nazirah glares at Aneira sharply. Now, of all times, the girl chooses to really speak up? Nazirah recalls how Cato looked at her on those cliffs, how she felt at fifteen … free and uninhibited enough to strip down to her skivvies. Could it be true that Adamek wanted to replay that?
“No, that’s not it Ani,” Nazirah snaps.
Aneira shrugs and resumes staring at the fire.
“Everyone’s started calling him Renatus, you know,” Taj says, breaking the silence.
Nazirah scoffs. “Not everyone.”
She most certainly isn’t calling him that. But Taj is right. It started as a joke at first, around the compound, but the name unfortunately stuck.
Renatus.
Reborn … just like their country.
Nazirah hates it. Adamek doesn’t respond to the name, as far as Nazirah knows. But it disgusts her how quickly people forget the past. Adamek isn’t reformed just because he’s given them some helpful information. He will never be worthy of absolution.
Lumi’s eyes narrow. “He’s not a monster, Nazirah. People make mistakes.”
“I’d like to know how his family is handling this,” Taj says.
“The Chancellor has placed a huge bounty on his head,” Cato says. “So I’d say ‘not well.’”
“But to leave his mother like that,” Taj says, uncharacteristically bitter, “in her condition. If I still had a mother, I would never do that.” He shakes his head.
Victoria Morgen’s battle with disease is no small matter of gossip throughout Renatus. Rumors have circulated for years that Victoria struggles with an obscure lifelong illness. She has apparently taken a turn for the worse in the past few months. It’s said the Chancellor is desperately seeking a cure.
Nazirah often questions if it’s all a ploy to get Adamek back into Mediah. Nazirah wonders if that’s why Adamek is teaching Bairs’s class – because he relates to her circumstances.
Nazirah remains quiet for the rest of the bonfire. She mulls over the future, wonders if she has one. She thinks about the final assignments they will receive in a few weeks’ time. What territory will she be assigned to? What will they ask her to do there?
Nazirah thinks about Adamek. He said he has secrets and she wonders f
or the millionth time what they are. Why does Niko trust him? Why did Adamek request amnesty to begin with? What if he’s a spy for Mediah, sent here to bring down the rebellion from within? The recruits are even training with Medi technology now … who knows how else they’ll be brainwashed? Who knows where it will all lead, how it will all end?
Nazirah sure doesn’t.
#
Nazirah enters the small abandoned classroom, prepared to use the Iluxor for a second time. The recruits haven’t trained with Adamek in over a week, since he has been away on recon with Aldrik and Lord Grigori. Nazirah doesn’t have the faintest idea what the rebels hope to accomplish on these missions, and she knows it’s pointless to ask. That’s Niko’s style, trying to protect Nazirah by not telling her anything. Until, of course, he has to tell her everything all at once.
Adamek is there already, amnesty pendant glinting in the sunlight, snarky expression in place. He has injured his shoulder again. There’s a thick bandage under his shirt. Nazirah’s eyes linger on the injury as she shoulders off her bag and drops into her normal seat by the window.
“It’s rude to stare, Nation.”
Please! He’s always staring at her, trying to make her uncomfortable, trying to get a rise out of her. “If it’s rude to stare,” she argues, “then you wrote the book, Morgen.”
Adamek smirks and sits down across from her. “Exactly,” he says. “So I know it when I see it.”
Nazirah crosses her arms, watching him fill the two syringes. Adamek places the syringes on the desk beside them. “What happened to your shoulder?” she asks.
“Oh honey,” he says, “I didn’t realize you cared.”
Nazirah uncrosses her arms. “I don’t,” she answers honestly, resting her hands on her exposed knees. It’s hot out today. She’s wearing a white oxford shirt and a plaid skirt. Cato teased her at breakfast, telling her she looked like a Median schoolgirl. All she needed to complete the look were some pigtails. Nazirah spilled coffee on him.
“That’s what I thought,” Adamek says.
“Let’s get this over with,” she sighs.