None of that was said in front of Raquel.
During most of the training I’d been lulled into a false sense of security, sitting beside Raquel and listening intently as she discussed Father Gabriel’s teachings and the beliefs shared in The Light. I didn’t remember the things she discussed and many seemed foreign, yet occasionally something seemed familiar.
I didn’t nap, as Raquel had joked that I might. I paid attention and answered all Sister Lilith’s questions with a nod or shake of my head. I didn’t understand my motivation other than a new desire not to further embarrass Jacob.
When Raquel was called away to help with another patient, she asked Sister Lilith if she was about done. Sister Lilith said yes, but she wasn’t. Like a snake in the grass, she was waiting.
In my current state, Sister Lilith’s berating hit me hard. I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t have enough information. Technically I wasn’t supposed to say anything, but I didn’t know how to react. What upset me was Sister Lilith’s promise that correction was coming—correction for blatant insubordination. Then, as she was about to leave, she whispered her promise to return in the morning for more time alone.
I couldn’t put my finger on it, but in the three days since I’d awoken, it seemed as though my true self had slipped further away. Each day, while I questioned my own identity, the answer became more clear. I was Sara Adams. Though I still wanted to understand the oddities of this strange world, more and more of me wanted to be the Sara Jacob expected me to be.
Maybe I was going crazy. I didn’t care anymore about the color of my hair or features of my face. I wanted to know my state of mind. How had I become someone who could be reduced to tears twice in two days? Not just tears, not salty drops of water gently gliding down my cheeks. No, I was crying ugly sobs that ached in my chest as my eyes and nose leaked profusely, covering not only my face but my pillow too.
“Sara?”
I was so lost in Sister Lilith’s words, I’d almost forgotten that Jacob was there. As the bed moved upward, I slowly turned his way. It wasn’t bravery that gave me the strength to face him, even though, according to Lilith, I should be turning toward his wrath. It was a combination of shame and duty. I’d failed him, and as his wife, I needed to learn my fate.
My temples ached as I tried to reason. Could I speak and ask him what had happened?
No. I couldn’t ask questions. I needed to wait for answers.
Oh, God! The wait was worse than knowing my fate.
Silently Jacob lifted my chin as the bed rail lowered. Sitting with his leg touching my arm, he gently wiped my face, cleaning away the evidence of my second meltdown in two days. I’d expected punishment, yet in mere moments his silent support gave me strength. Taking a ragged breath, I shuddered, trying to process his conflicting reactions.
Instead of discipline, his large hands delivered tenderness. Instead of a cold wrath, his body against mine provided warmth. Strong and reserved, his voice flowed with compassion. “No one else is here; you may speak. What is it? Why are you crying?”
I gasped for air to replace the sobs. With a firm grip on my chin, he continued to wipe away new tears as I evaluated his actions against Sister Lilith’s words. They didn’t match.
Though I understood that I was completely at his mercy, something spoke to my heart. From the internal chaos I heard a voice. Speaking softly, it whispered, Believe in yourself. You are stronger than this. Always stay true.
“Sara, don’t make me repeat myself. You’re upset. Part of my responsibility is helping you. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what happened. Does this have to do with Sister Lilith?”
Stay true . . . I nodded.
“Let me hear you,” he reprimanded. “The Commission knows you’re speaking. I’ve asked for your speech to be restricted to only me for a while. I’ll soon learn if my petition was granted.” He paused. When I didn’t respond, he repeated himself, the second time firmer than the one before. “Sara, speak now.”
You are strong . . . “I’m so confused.”
Jacob framed my cheeks and held my face close to his, allowing our noses to touch. He asked, “What happened? Why are you confused?”
“I don’t understand what’s happening. I don’t remember what happened or what I did, but she said it was bad . . .” My voice faded.
Tilting my head forward, Jacob kissed my hair. “Listen to me.”
Nodding, I tried to gauge his response, but his voice was soft and gentle.
“It’s not Sister Lilith’s place to say that to you. You’re my responsibility. We’ll get through this together.”
“But because of the Assembly.” My phrases were interrupted by feeble attempts to breathe. “I’ve jeopardized your position, and she said I shamed all the Assembly wives.”
“She told you that?”
“Yes, and that we could be banished . . . I’m not even sure what that means, but all your hard work for the Assembly and Father Gabriel . . .” I gulped the oxygen that wouldn’t stay in my lungs. “Gone.”
“When she spoke, did you verbally respond to her?”
My head began moving from side to side as soon as his question began. “No. I haven’t spoken to anyone, anyone but you.”
“And she said all of this, in front of Raquel?”
“No, Raquel had to leave. Sister Lilith said it when we were alone.”
The hands that still held my face tensed, yet his voice remained composed and reassuring. “Of course she did. She didn’t know you were able to repeat it to me. Don’t worry. I was just with the Assembly, Commission, and Father Gabriel. I can honestly say I don’t think banishment is going to happen.”
I covered his hand with mine. “You’re upset. I feel it.”
He kissed my hair again. “I am upset, but not at you. Do you remember Sister Raquel’s husband?”
“I don’t remember anyone, but she talked about him. His name is Benjamin.”
“Brother Benjamin. All men deserve a title,” he corrected. “And yes, if you don’t remember him, you probably don’t remember that he’s also on the Assembly. Does Raquel seem ashamed of you?”
“No. No she doesn’t, but why? Why would Sister Lilith say that?”
He released my cheeks, and his finger came to my lips. “No questions.”
I lowered my face again and exhaled. “Jacob, I’m no good at this. I really can’t remember why I was in your truck, or why I had an accident. I can’t remember anything before three days ago. Except I feel like I’m not very good at following rules. I don’t understand why you married me, why I’m here, in The Light . . . I’m not an Assemblyman’s wife. You should just let them banish me before you end up losing all you’ve accomplished. I’m not who you think I am.” The sobs were gone, but an occasional tear continued to flow.
Jacob lifted my hands and kissed the knuckles. A faint smile crossed my lips as I remembered him doing the same thing earlier this morning. Wrapping both of my hands within his grasp, he began, “Sara Adams, you’re my wife.” He wasn’t saying it as he had when he wanted me to repeat after him. This time his tone made it more of a plea. “I married you and you married me. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I’m honored to be on the Assembly, and I’m also honored to be your husband.” He leaned down until our foreheads touched. “This road won’t be easy, but never doubt where you belong or with whom. I don’t know what I’d do without you, and I pray I never find out.
“We pledged our devotion to The Light and Father Gabriel, but before that, we pledged our love to one another. If I have to start from the beginning and recount our entire lives again to help you remember, I’ll do it. I’d do whatever I needed to do to help you remember us. Sara, I’d marry you again.” My chest ached with his declaration. “Sara, would you marry me?”
I couldn’t speak as his words soaked deeper and deeper into my heart. My tears were dry. There probably weren’t any left. However, the lump within my throat continued to grow, making my reply impossi
ble. The man holding my hands and affirming his love overwhelmed me. Despite my shortcomings, he was declaring his devotion to me and our marriage. Finding myself lost in his grasp and surrounded by his masculine scent, I wondered if I deserved his steadfast love. I didn’t know.
And then I remembered the voice: believe in yourself. I would believe, and even if I hadn’t deserved Jacob’s love in the past, I would in the future. Because for the first time, a part of me wanted it.
“Sara?”
I lifted my unseeing eyes, leaving only a whisper between our lips. “Yes, Jacob, I believe I’d marry you again.”
With our hands still connected, our lips came together. His were firm and demanding, yet soft and accommodating. His kiss gave and took in equal portions, causing a firestorm to erupt deep within. My chest no longer cried from shame; instead my body screamed with desire. Without thinking, I willingly surrendered to the man with the fervent kiss. His kiss awakened me, my body, and my yearning. I had no doubt that this man filled my days and nights with earth-quaking passion. With only a kiss, I no longer wondered who my husband was in the bedroom; I knew. He was a man who conquered unapologetically and bestowed unsparingly.
When our lips parted, Jacob asked with a smile to his voice, “Are you better?”
“I am, thank you.” Calm warmth settled over me as I thought about what he’d said when he found me crying. He’d said that part of his responsibility was helping me. I still couldn’t wrap my head around all of it, but my life was becoming clearer. I was his. Yes, he’d correct me, but he’d also make things right and help me feel better. “Jacob?”
“Yes?”
“I don’t remember anything from our past, and I won’t lie to you and say I do. I get the feeling that isn’t who we are. I don’t think we lie to one another, do we?”
“Honesty is best.”
“And there’s something else,” I said.
“Go on.”
“I don’t like the idea of being corrected, but I love how protective you are. I remember you saying I can’t ask, so I won’t, but I hope that you’ll be patient with me.” I allowed my grin to grow. “Because I’m anxious to be your wife again, in every way. Your kiss . . .” The blood rushed to my cheeks. “Well, since we’re married, I hope I can say this. Your kiss makes me want more, makes me want to remember. I’m sorry for whatever happened. Thank you for standing by me.”
“I’ll always stand by you. I’ll also be patient, but I will correct you, even while I’m being patient. I told you, correction isn’t done out of anger, but for you. As a matter of fact, you just said something . . .”
I held my breath.
He went on, “You said you can’t ask. That’s not accurate. You may ask . . . actually, for many things you’re required to ask. I told you that you can’t question. There’s a difference.”
“I’m not sure I understand.”
“You may ask for my patience, for things you need or desire. Remember, we spoke about you asking for a drink of water.”
I remembered that.
“What you may not do is question. When I told you that I’d tell you what happened before the accident, but not now, you asked why. That’s questioning my statement, my word. Those truths, the reasons behind decrees, decisions, and yes, even corrections, do not need to be explained to you. As a woman you must accept them, as faith that your husband or any man of The Light has the right answers. I promise, I’ll never make a decision that will cause either of us harm.”
“But you’ll . . .” I purposely stopped, pressing my lips together, as my heart rate quickened.
“But I’ll what?”
“I don’t think I’m allowed to finish the sentence.”
“But I’ll . . . correct you?” he asked, properly completing my sentence.
I nodded.
“You’re right. Normally you wouldn’t be allowed to finish that sentence, or begin it, for that matter; however, to help you remember or at least understand, there’ll need to be a few exceptions, and the answer is yes. Yes, I’ll correct you when needed. Correction isn’t harm. It may include pain, but it’s not harm. Harm means physical or psychological damage. Why would I do that to my wife, the woman I’ve vowed to love and protect?”
I didn’t know. There seemed to be a lot of things that I didn’t know. Shrugging, I replied, “Thank you.” I reached up to his face. With healing fingertips, I roamed the features of the man I longed to remember. “For loving me and protecting me. Thank you for the patience and exceptions. I know they’re at your discretion, but knowing that you’ll grant them makes me happy. I really am trying to understand. I want to be the wife you married, the one you want.”
“I know you do. You always have.”
Our lips reunited. Though only brief, the taste of his kiss combined with our connection rekindled the flicker of desire.
“Mrs. Adams,” he said breathily, “you have a lot of healing to do before you can be my wife again in every way, to use your words, not mine. While we wait for that to happen, I hope you know, I want that too. I won’t rush you, but just know I want it.”
I sensed that Jacob had a way of getting what he wanted. As he stood, my cheeks filled with a healthy blush. The truth was I wanted it too.
“Hello?” Since I hadn’t heard the door, I surmised that Jacob was talking on his phone. He continued, “Yes, that’s great news. Thank you . . . Oh? What? . . . No, I haven’t heard from him, but as long as I’m present, I have no issues . . . When? . . . Yes, we’ll both be ready . . . Thank you, Brother Daniel.”
After a few moments, he turned toward me. “Sara, it’s about time to eat lunch, and Brother Daniel just informed me that you’ll be receiving your walking cast this afternoon.”
“OK.” It wasn’t as if I had any say in my treatment, but why would someone else be telling Jacob about my care? Shouldn’t it be Dr. Newton making those decisions?
The covers moved from my legs, causing me to shiver at the cool air.
“It really will be good for you to start walking and rebuild your muscles again.” His arms moved beneath me, and he said, “I’m going to lift you.”
I nodded and prepared for my side to hurt.
“Why do you do that?” Jacob asked as he carried me toward the bathroom.
“Do what?”
“Bite your lip. It’s not new. But now, without your eyes, I guess I’ve been watching your lips. The other day I thought you might put a hole through it.”
I started to giggle, but sucked my lip between my teeth as he lowered my one good leg to the ground. Once I was standing, I released my lip and said, “I don’t think about it, but maybe I do it to ease the pain from my ribs.”
He smoothed my hair, tucking some behind my ear. “I don’t want your ribs to hurt. I didn’t want any of this.”
Of course not. Who’d want their wife in an automobile accident?
“I know. It’ll take time, but it’ll heal.”
He lifted my gown. “Even with your bruises, you’re beautiful.” He unexpectedly brushed his fingers over the side of one of my breasts, sending goose bumps up and down my skin and bringing a gasp from my lips. “I hope that healing doesn’t take too much time.”
Reaching for his shoulders, I stood perfectly still. Only the sound of breathing echoed throughout the bathroom. Reverently he lowered my panties. After what seemed like an eternity, he lifted one of my hands to the handle. “You’d better sit, and I’d better leave you alone.”
I nodded, wondering if my desire was as obvious to his eyes as his was to my ears.
Once I was done, and as he carried me back to my bed, I asked, “Would it be asking or questioning to ask what you meant on the phone about you being present? I’m hoping it’s about Sister Lilith.” I added the last part hoping to take away from my question.
Jacob’s chest expanded and contracted with a big breath. “That would be questioning. I know Lilith upset you. She won’t be back today.”
“She said she??
?d be back tomorrow, and we’d be alone again.”
Jacob placed me on the bed. “Yes, she will and you will, but I’ll make sure she doesn’t discuss anything with you that she shouldn’t. If I return tomorrow to a wife as upset as you were today, I’ll have a talk with the Commission, and I guarantee that she’ll be in worse shape.” He tucked the blanket back around my cast and legs. “She may be a Commissioner’s wife, but she’s still a woman, and the Commission approved my petition. You may speak to me, but only to me.”
“Thank you,” I replied, nodding.
“Thank you?” Jacob asked. “You’re all right with that?”
“Yes, although I’d love to talk to Raquel, if I can only speak to you, I can’t talk to Sister Lilith, and she can only ask me yes-and-no questions. I really don’t want to say more to her than that, and then there’s Dr. Newton . . .”
“What about Dr. Newton?”
I exhaled and hoped that my honesty wouldn’t get me in trouble. “I understand that he’s a man and deserves respect, but I get a weird feeling from him.” I sat very still, waiting for my correction.
Jacob brushed my cheek. “Sara, never be afraid to be honest with me. I need to know these things to protect you.” He scoffed. “Perhaps God’s time is now.”
I didn’t know what he meant, so I waited.
“Your question, about what I said on the phone about being present. It wasn’t about Lilith. It was about Dr. Newton. I’ve forbidden him from being alone with you for any medical procedure. I must be present.”