Due to my injuries my options were limited, but they did exist. Jacob had made that clear. I could obey his and Father Gabriel’s rules or disobey them—it was up to me. In my darkened world, I decided to do my best to obey. I definitely had issues with what I was obeying, with how my husband believed he had the right to exercise complete domination at his discretion. I didn’t understand how I’d gotten to this point or why I’d agreed to this in the past. However, the large gaps—really, gaping caverns—in my memory gave me hope. I must’ve had a reason. Apparently at one time I’d willingly chosen him and this life. I must have seen more to my husband. Maybe if I learned to think like Sara, I could figure out how to survive.
Following Dr. Newton’s examination, I’d admittedly been overwhelmed. I had been rendered powerless to communicate, my emotions too jumbled to articulate. At that time, my body began to surrender, but as I drifted toward nothingness, my mind fought back. During my outburst I’d learned something about myself. I’d learned that I was a survivor, not a quitter, and I wouldn’t quit fighting.
My verbal tirade had come from the depths of panic. If I wanted to win my fight—if I wanted not only to survive, but to recover and remember—I needed to battle smarter.
My first goal was to get stronger. And as I did, I needed to understand my battlefield. Lashing out in the darkness wasn’t, and wouldn’t be, successful. I needed to size up my opponents, distinguish my allies from my enemies, and learn the rules of my new war.
Jacob believed I already knew his and Father Gabriel’s rules, and he expected me to follow them. I’d obey as long as those rules helped me heal and gain strength. Plus, admittedly, I didn’t want to fight alone. I needed allies in this strange world. It seemed clear that my battle would be better fought with Jacob than against him.
I’d heard his determination when he answered Brother Timothy and Sister Lilith’s questions, and when he argued with Dr. Newton. I’d also felt his slap—his correction.
Jacob stood strong for what he believed, and he believed that I was his wife, Sara. He was willing to fight for that. I was going to fight to discover myself. If I truly was Sara, then we were striving for the same thing.
Since my eyes were covered and my speaking was restricted, my battle plan was to concentrate on surveillance. I’d spend my days as a sponge, absorbing everything around me. In many ways sight blinded people to the truth, and in my current condition I wasn’t preoccupied by appearances or visual distractions. The bandages allowed me to go beyond the surface and hear the true intentions of those around me.
“Sara,” Jacob said, pulling me from my thoughts and back to the present.
He held a straw to my lips. As I sipped, the water moistened my throat, helping me wash down the oatmeal he’d been feeding me. I’d obediently accepted each spoonful but I hadn’t liked it. It was warm and slightly sweet, but it was also thick, too thick to drink and yet not thick enough to chew. Thankfully, it hadn’t been my only food. I’d also had a banana and toast and had even been allowed to hold them and feed myself. As I continued sipping the water, he spoke.
“I’m going to need to leave soon for Assembly. I wanted to talk to Sister Lilith, to remind her that you’re still not cleared to speak. I’ll talk with Raquel, and she can relay my message. I don’t want her trying to . . . well, even if she tells you that you’re cleared to speak, remember that I said no.”
I had no intention of speaking with Sister Lilith, though I was becoming increasingly curious about what she planned to say. Since Jacob and I were still alone, I whispered, “I promise, I won’t speak.” I got the feeling that this training made him as uncomfortable as it did me. If we were fighting on the same side, I wanted to reassure him that my compliance wasn’t in question. “I’ve given everything you’ve told me a lot of thought. You can trust me to do as you’ve said.” I reached to find his hand. Once I found it, I added, “I hope you already do . . . trust me, I mean. After all, we’re married. You trusted me enough to ask me to be your wife, didn’t you?” I was fishing for more about our past.
He cleared his throat. “Um, yes.”
I didn’t know what his answer meant, but I tried for more. “May I continue?”
“Sara, we have rules, not just my rules—the community’s rules, The Light’s rules. I’m sure reminding you of some of those will be part of Sister Lilith’s plan.”
“OK.”
“Tell me you remember them. After all, we’ve lived and abided by The Light for a while now.”
How long is a while? I pressed my lips together and lowered my chin. “I’m sorry, I don’t. I want to.” I did. I wanted to understand the world around me.
“That’s why it’s better to listen when Sister Lilith is here. Be cautious of what you agree to or disagree with. She and Brother Timothy have been very suspicious of what preceded your accident. I don’t want her interpreting your lack of memory as guilt.”
A sheen of perspiration coated my freshly washed skin. “B-but,” I stuttered, “I really don’t remember. Please.” I squeezed his hand. “You answered their questions before. What you said, that’s all I know. Tell me what happened.”
“I will, but not yet.”
“Why?”
Jacob sighed. “One strictly enforced rule was put into place by Father Gabriel to teach patience. That’s one of the reasons so many of us follow him. He has answers, reasons behind each decree. He didn’t create the rules for The Light arbitrarily; each one has meaning and purpose. As I said, this rule teaches that patience is a virtue. God’s word instructs men to marry virtuous women. Therefore all women of The Light, such as yourself, are forbidden from questioning men, including your husband. This teaches you, and all the women, patience. Answers will be revealed in God’s time, not yours.”
I tried to understand. “You’re saying that I can’t ask you what happened? I’m supposed to wait until you tell me?”
“Yes,” he said with a laugh. Kissing the top of my head, he added, “You do realize that was a question, yes?”
The corners of my lips moved upward. “No, I mean, now I do.” I let go of his hand as my smile faded. “Does that mean you’re going to . . . correct me?”
He reached for my hand. “I wish we had more time to discuss this right now.” His thumb slowly moved in a circle, caressing my knuckles. “We originally learned all of this together. That was easier than explaining it now. It feels like I’m introducing you to a whole new way of life when in truth we chose this path together. Do you remember yesterday when I told you that I’d accepted responsibility for you?”
I nodded, trying unsuccessfully to stop my slight trembling.
“Part of that responsibility,” he continued, “includes recognizing that not all violations are equal.” He leaned closer and his body warmed my side. When he lifted my hand to his lips, my shaking stilled. Instead of correction, he was delivering gentle kisses to the tops of my knuckles. “Sara, whether you recall the particulars or not, we have a good marriage. You’re not abused; you’re disciplined. Correction is never done in anger. Father Gabriel teaches that men must lead. It’s our job, how we were created. Taking responsibility for you is required, but you and I love one another and I accepted that challenge willingly. I do what I need to do to help you and make your life easier. Correction defines your boundaries, giving you the freedom to feel safe. Since the delivery of the correction, as well as the mode, is up to me, I can also decide when there are exceptions, times when correction isn’t necessary. Part of my responsibility is to decipher intent.” He lifted my chin. “I don’t think that a moment ago you intended to question again, did you?”
I shook my head. “No, I didn’t.”
“I believe you. Your honesty is part of this equation. Sara, we’ve always been honest with one another. Don’t let this problem with your memory change that.”
I still didn’t like the premise, but his explanation and absolution eased a bit of my apprehension. “Thank you for explaining. I’m sorry
that I don’t remember all of the rules. I’ll try.” I wanted to remember. I also liked this Jacob, the one who explained things. I wanted him on my side.
“I know you will. I’ll be back as soon as I can. Sara.” His tone changed when he said my name, clearly meaning that whatever he was about to say was beyond question. “No more talking, and be cognizant of your nonverbal responses to Sister Lilith’s questions.”
I nodded.
“Very good,” Jacob said, petting my hair as he stood. The bed shifted and the warmth of his body against mine vanished. The tangible void sent a chill through me, reminding me that soon I’d be left alone—alone with Sister Lilith.
“Brother Jacob?”
Warmth returned as I grinned toward the sound of Raquel’s now familiar voice from the doorway. It wasn’t the first time she’d entered my room today. She’d been in earlier to help with my shower. Well, not really with my shower. Jacob had done that. She’d helped by putting whatever she used over my cast to keep it dry. Jacob was the one who’d washed my body. I’d expected to remember his touch, but I hadn’t. It didn’t feel wrong—it felt foreign, but then again, so did everything else.
Just now, when he’d kissed my hand, the sensation was different, unexpected—soft and affectionate. I liked that side of my husband. That was the side that made me feel safe and loved. I blushed at the memory of his using that word, saying that we loved one another. Even if I didn’t remember, I was loved.
Lost in my thoughts, I’d forgotten my plan to be a sponge and missed part of Raquel and Jacob’s conversation.
“. . . I want that made perfectly clear.” I didn’t need to hear Jacob’s entire speech. I knew what he was emphasizing.
“I will,” Raquel replied. “I’d be happy to stay with Sara, to make this easier for her on her first day. Sister Lilith can’t deny my presence, if you authorize it.”
My heart leaped. I wanted it, but she wasn’t asking me. Actually, she wasn’t asking Jacob either—she was offering. Sucking my lower lip between my teeth, I made a mental note to think about semantics later and waited for his response. There was definitely a trick to being a . . . what did he call it? . . . a woman of The Light.
“Thank you.” He sighed with relief. “By the smile on my wife’s face, if she’d stop biting that lip, I think she’d be happy to have you.” He tugged my lip free. “Remember my rules.”
I nodded, grinning over his answer.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can.” His lips brushed the top of my head, then the door opened and he was gone.
“Sara,” Raquel said once we were alone. “Are you nervous about this? You’ve done it before; we all have. It’s pretty standard for one of the Commission wives to do a review after an incident. Father Gabriel believes that it helps all of us stay focused on his teachings. After something as traumatic as your accident, evil thoughts could try to confuse your mind. If you didn’t go through a review, others in the community could question your commitment, and that could lead to dissent. The Light practices a single mind-set of enlightenment, all working as one, doing God’s work, and fulfilling Father Gabriel’s teaching.” She giggled lightheartedly. “Oh, listen to me going on. I know you know all of that. Feel free to reach out and push me if I talk too much.”
I wanted to tell her I didn’t know, or at least I didn’t remember. Either way, I appreciated her talking. I was also relieved to learn that this wasn’t specifically about me. It was common protocol.
Hoping she was watching, I mouthed, Thank you.
“Oh, you say that now,” she answered, as if I’d spoken. “After a few hours of listening to her read Father Gabriel’s word and preaching at you, you won’t be thanking me.” She pulled the blankets back and moved the wheelchair close. “Brother Jacob must have brought you some more nightgowns. I meant to say something earlier. That’s a great color on you.”
Really? What color is it?
I reached over to my braid.
“You’re good at that. Or did Brother Jacob do it?”
I shook my head with an amused grin.
“I wasn’t sure, but it’s pretty. I’m better at helping other people braid than doing it myself. I guess that’s why this is my calling, helping others. If I had to braid my own hair, well, it’d look awful. That’s why I usually wear mine in a bun, or a messy bun, or sometimes . . .”
Sister Raquel filled every moment after Jacob’s departure with talk and the entire time, though I never said a word, I was part of the conversation. Soon I was back in bed and completely relaxed. I laughed at some of her stories and also practiced my sponging, learning things by listening to her friendly voice. I also learned more about my training. She joked that I’d undoubtedly already heard all the lessons and sermons that Sister Lilith would recite, and if I promised not to snore, I could probably catch a catnap under my bandages and still be able to answer all her questions.
When Sister Raquel mentioned her husband, Benjamin, her voice filled with adoration. I got the sense that their relationship was similar to what Jacob had described, one where she put her full trust in Benjamin and he assumed full responsibility for her. Her obvious contentment with her marriage gave me hope for my own. The only time she sounded sad was at the mention of children, sharing that she and Benjamin didn’t have any. Even then, she quickly said that she believed God would provide them in His time. She confessed in a whisper that she needed to work on her patience.
I realized that if she and Benjamin were trying to have children, Father Gabriel must not preach against sex. For some reason that made me smile. I couldn’t remember having been with Jacob in that way, but he said we had a good marriage and loved one another. The idea of being intimate didn’t scare me as much as the thought of his correction. As a matter of fact, as my thoughts lingered on his washing and drying me, parts of my body woke from their sleep. I pondered who my husband was in the bedroom. Is he the protector with a reassuring tone or the disciplinarian who demands obedience?
I wouldn’t be finding out as long as my leg and rib were in their current conditions, but with the way my insides tingled, I suspected that whoever he was, I liked him.
Raquel’s conversation reassured me. Instead of facing Sister Lilith alone, I would have her by my side. Therefore when the door opened and Sister Lilith’s high-heeled shoes entered, I was confident that I was ready to begin.
“Sister Sara,” she began, “It’s Sister Lilith. I’m happy to see you’re ready to start this review of your training.”
I nodded.
Raquel sat beside me on the bed where Jacob had been as she spoke. “I’m sorry if you weren’t notified, Sister Lilith. Brother Jacob asked me to stay, at least for today. You see, Sara can’t get to and from her bed to the bathroom by herself. Brother Jacob didn’t want to burden you with the task.” Though I’d zoned out through part of Jacob and Raquel’s conversation, I didn’t think Jacob had gone into that much detail.
“Well, yes,” Sister Lilith replied. “We could always call for you . . .”
“Sister, I would go”—Sister Raquel’s shoulder rubbed mine as it shrugged with her casual reply—“but I’m confident that Benjamin would punish me if I disobeyed Brother Jacob. And I wouldn’t want Brother Timothy to learn that you suggested my disobedience.”
“Of course not,” she responded quickly. “Sister Raquel, we’ll make do with all three of us today. I wasn’t suggesting disobedience. We’ll just forget that we even discussed it.”
Oh, that is definitely a conversation I’m glad I sponged. I liked Raquel. “Sister Raquel?” Sister Lilith asked. “Before we begin, do you know Dr. Newton’s plans for Sister Sara’s cast? I believe I heard she’ll be receiving a walking cast soon.” From the sound of the chair over the tile, I could tell she’d brought it from beside my bed toward the foot.
“I don’t. He’ll be here later. I’ll let him know you’re curious.”
“Thank you. I’m just thinking it’ll make our future review sessions easier for
Sister Sara.”
“Yes, I understand.”
“Now, Sister Sara, since you’re unable to respond, once I’ve read Father Gabriel’s declaration of faith for The Light, I’ll ask you basic yes-and-no questions. Your answers will help me determine where we’ll go from there. Do you understand?”
I nodded.
Pages fluttered. “We the members of The Light believe in Father Gabriel and the enlightenment . . .”
CHAPTER 9
Jacob
Father Gabriel began each morning at Assembly with prayer. Only the members of the Assembly and the Commission were worthy to meet daily with our leader, though that privilege didn’t always mean meeting in person.
Our campus in Alaska was one of three campuses of The Light. Ours, the Northern Light, was the largest and the most productive, but Father Gabriel’s leadership was needed at all campuses. Because of this he often traveled. Though all the communities lived modestly, The Light possessed the latest technology. With protected webinars and teleconferencing, and because of different time zones, it didn’t matter where Father Gabriel was on any given day. He was always able to attend the morning Assembly of each campus.
Whether he was with us, or somewhere else, his aura of authority filled the room.
There were four commissioners at each campus, making up Father Gabriel’s circle of twelve disciples. These were Father Gabriel’s inner sanctum, the men he most trusted. Under the Commissioners there were twelve Assemblymen at each campus. The Assemblymen shared the Commissioners’ burdens and were fully accountable to them. These sixteen men and their wives were the chosen of each campus. The system Father Gabriel put into place worked well to govern The Light and was especially efficient when he was away and as the campuses continued to grow.