"Hey, don't cry, Sailor Girl," Daddy said, rushing to me.
"Oh, poor Grace, did you see her do that?" Mommy asked quickly.
I shook my head. "I don't know what she did, Mommy!" I replied, and quickly told them both everything.
"That poor girl," Mommy said.
"What did she do to herself?" I finally had the courage to ask. "She cut her wrists," Mommy said.
It took the wind from my lungs, because that was the image I had imagined and feared. It was a strange thing to me that we were a military family, and I had seen and heard guns go off and men prepared for war, yet I never had witnessed a single act of violence in my life, except what I had seen on television or in the movies. When I was a little girl. I used to think my father was just pretending, that it was all just one big adult game. Even stories about terrorists attacking naval vessels in distant ports seemed unreal. None of it, fortunately, had come close to touching us.
But this morning, almost immediately, I was so close to an actual attempted suicide.
"Will she be all right?" I asked.
"Yes, she will. I'm sure," Daddy said.
"Physically, maybe," Mommy said, her eyes turned to him. He looked back at me quickly. "She'll be fine." he insisted. Mommy shook her head.
I told them both what Wench and Penny had done and how that had upset Autumn.
"They were so mean to do that," I added.
"What a welcome to a new community for you. honey. I'm sorry," Mommy said.
It's not your fault, I wanted to say, but then I thought. Of course it is. It's always your fault when you're a parent and you're the one in control of everything. You make the choices, and -what follows is always the result of those choices. She made the decision to marry my daddy and be a Navy wife, and that meant I would be here today, on this very spot, having this very experience.
If only we could know what our decisions could mean before we made them. I thought. Maybe that was wisdom, but it seemed to me it came to us too late. or we wouldn't listen when older, wiser people were generous with what they knew and what they had learned. We would have to make cur own mistakes almost as if we had to own them along with our own successes. It was how we achieved our own identities. our own names.
Poor Autumn, I thought
Look at what she owned.
Look at what her name was now.
2
My Personal Radar Screen
.
It wasn't any easier to keep secrets in our world
than it was in the outside world, although there was something of an unwritten rule that whatever happened to anyone in the naval community was to be kept within that community. Neither Wendi nor Penny showed any remorse over what they had done to poor Autumn, but they did keep what they knew locked away from the civilian girls in our school. At least, that was what I thought.
They cornered me the first day I attended my new school and brought me into the girls' room so no one else could hear us talk about Autumn,
"You were there. too," Penny said, her eyes flickering with excitement. "My brother told me. Was there blood all over the place?"
"I didn't see anything. I went home as soon as they entered her room." I said quickly. I saw they were disappointed that I wouldn't be giving them a blow-by-blow description of the horrid event.
"She must have read about how to do it," Wendi said. Penny nodded, Both of them looked mostly impressed about that. "You know, putting your wrists in warm water and all to keep the blood flowing"
"That means she really was going to kill herself," Penny declared with exaggerated eyes. "She wasn't simply frying to get attention. How
embarrassing for her family. I know Caitlin is afraid my brother will stop seeing her because of it. You know, once there is madness in one member of a family, there's a good chance it's in another."
"It wasn't madness." I insisted, She was just embarrassed and ashamed because of what you told me. Why did you do that so cruelly?"
"We were just trying to protect you," Wendi replied. It was the least we could do for a new girl."
"You would think you would show some gratitude. She could have one around here telling everyone you were her new best friend or something." Penny added,
"I don't need anyone to tell me with whom I can and cannot be friends." I snapped back at them.
"Well pardon mot," Wendi said. "That's the first and last time we'll do anything to help you."
"And another thing." Penny said, moving closer to put her face into mine. "if you go around telling people Autumn did what she did because of what we said, we'll make you sorrier than Autumn.
"You know." she added, stepping back with her hands on her hips and wagging her head. "families that can't get along with other families in the naval community usually get transferred to another base and one not as nice. My father has a lot to say about that."
I felt the blood rush to my face. The last thing I wanted to do was to make trouble for Daddy,
"Just watch yourself," Wendi warned, and they both turned and left me trembling in the girls' room.
I avoided them for the rest of that day and most of the week that followed. I made some other friends, none of whom was in the naval community. Some wondered what was wrong with Autumn and why she wasn't attending school, but I pretended I was too new to know who she was. By the end of the week, however, Mommy told me she was doing better, and her mother had said that if I wanted to visit her. I could, Her parents had decided to keep her home until her wrists had mended and she had undergone some therapy. However, a visit by me was fine.
I wasn't all that anxious to do it. I wasn't sure what I would say to her. Daddy sensed it and told me that if I didn't want to go. I didn't have to.
"I do feel sorry for her, though. Daddy," I told him.
He nodded. "I'm glad you're a compassionate person. Grace. It's a nice quality to have. Your grandmother Houston was like that," he said, and told me mare about her, her involvement with charities, her volunteer work helping the homeless. She had even been written up in newspapers. and I had seen the articles with the picture of this kindly-looking, elderly but elegant lady serving food in a makeshift kitchen an some city street, but I had never met her. She had died before I was born. My grandfather had also been in the Navy. He was a chief warrant officer. He had served during the Korean War and just recently had passed away, too.
Like me, my daddy had been an only child, but I knew he and Mommy often talked about having another child. The moving around had made Mommy neryous, and from the little I had garnered from their conversations. I understood that she had been unable to get pregnant and they had stopped trying for a while. What made it difficult for one woman to get pregnant while another got pregnant the first time she and her husband tried was still a bit of a mystery to me. I also thought it was ironic that someone like Autumn, who shouldn't have been pregnant, was, and someone like Mommy, who should have been and had wanted to be pregnant. wasn't.
Daddy made me feel less neryous about visiting Autumn, assuring me that she was probably hungry for some company her own age, so after dinner. I walked over to her home. Her sister greeted me at the door,
"Oh, you." she said. "I thought we'd never see you again after the last time," she said. "Not that I would blame you." she added.
"I didn't want to come until your mother said it was all right," I said.
"Right. Like it will ever be all right. Come in. She's in her room staring at the ceiling and feeling stupid, I'm sure," she said. "I don't mean to sound hard and unfeeling," she added when she saw the expression on my face. "but when you do something like this, you should think about the people you are hurting beside yourself. I mean, like, this sort of thing doesn't help my father's career and doesn't make things easier for my mother or for me!"
All I could do was nod, thinking this was a home in which sympathy was a rare guest,
"You know where the room is. There's a new door-jamb," she made sure to tell me as I headed for it.
Then she returned to her own room.
I knocked on Autumn's door. Who is it?" I heard.
"It's me. Grace," I said. I held my breath when there was a long pause. Would she refuse to see me? A part of me hoped so. I looked back to see if Caitlin was watching, but there was no one in the hallway, and the house was quiet. I wondered where her mother was and how she was able to take all this sadness.
"Come in," Autumn finally said.
Just as Caitlin had described, she was in her bed. I saw the television remote by her side, but the television was not turned on.
"How are you?" I asked.
"Fine," she replied, as if she had suffered nothing more than a bad cold. She sat forward quickly. "What do you think of the school? Who did you make friends with? Did you see Trent Ralston? Don't you think he's good-looking? Who's your favorite teacher? I like Madeo. He is so dramatic in English class, right? Oh, and don't you just hate Mrs. Couter, the principal? Everyone calls her Mrs. Cooties. right?
"Well?" she concluded, finally taking a breath.
"I don't know what to answer first." I said. laughing.
She scrunched her nose and pulled in her lips. "Are they talking about me? I bet Wendi is. and Penny, right?"
"No, not really." I said. She looked skeptical. Then she looked down at the bed and turned her hands palms up. Her wrists were still bandaged. "It's more my mother's fault anyway," she said.
Your mother's fault? Why?"
"She had to go and tell Claudia Spencer, the base big mouth. She just had to confide in someone: she just had to. It was festering inside her like a big boil in her heart. That's what she told me. Would your mother do that? Well, would she?"
I shook my head,
"I don't know." I said.
"Yes, you do." She flopped back against her pillow. It doesn't matter anyway. I'm not going back to that school. They are talking about sending me someplace else."
"Where?"
"A private place for disturbed teenagers like me." she replied. "I don't care. I'll miss Trent, though, even though he doesn't even know I exist."
"Maybe they won't send you away. Maybe you'll get better and you will return to our school," I said.
She looked like a deflated balloon that needed hope blown into her. She pressed her lips together and then slid down farther in her bed and looked up at the ceiling.
"I bet you want me to tell you about it, don't you?"
"About what?"
"About how I got pregnant. silly."
I shook my head. "No, you don't have to do that. I don't really want to know."
'Yes, you do. That's all anyone wants to know. How could I have let this happen?"
She stared at me a moment and then sat up and nodded at the wall on her left.
"My sister, especially, asks that, my perfect sister who was prom queen and who has never done anything wrong her whole life. She's the perfect student with the perfect boyfriend.
"And I know my father hates me, hates me and wishes I was never born."
"I'm sure that's not true. Autumn," I said.
"How can you be so sure? You just met us." she fired back at me.
Her hopping from one mood to another and then back again was a little frightening. but I didn't flinch.
"A father can't hate his own child, his own daughter," I said. I meant it I couldn't imagine my father ever wishing I wasn't born,
"A naval officer father can," she insisted, ''He would throw me overboard if he could."
I started to smile, but she turned away.
"It wasn't my fault. It wasn't! I couldn't help it. I didn't even know I had done anything bad," she said, still looking at the wall.
The air between us seemed to grow so still. It felt flammable, as if I could snap my fingers and start a fire.
"How could you not know that?" I asked despite my fear of treading on that ugly ground.
"They gave me Roofies." she wailed.
"Excuse me? Roofies? What's that?"
She pulled herself up a bit and swallowed. "It's something called Rohypnol, a drug that is illegal. You can't taste it in drinks, and part of the effect of it is it causes amnesia. I didn't even know anything had happened to me. I couldn't remember!"
"Who did this to you?"
"Same boys at school. Their names are being kept secret because they're not considered adults," she said bitterly. "They were having a party!" she cried, "And no one ever invites me to a party, so I went with another girl, Selma Dorman. It happened to her, too, only she was lucky. She didn't get pregnant. We were the only two girls there." she revealed. "And there were five boys. We should have known something wasn't right as soon as we got there, but they kept telling us more girls were coming soon."
"Where did this happen?"
"One of the boys had his house free. His parents had gone to New York City for the weekend. It was a big house with a gigantic television set and sophisticated sound equipment. It had a room just for parties with a bar as long as a destroyer. All I remember is I drank what I thought was just a harmless soda, and about four in the morning I woke up naked in one of the bedrooms. They had hidden my clothes for a joke. too.
"My father was on a special assignment at the time, or he would have one over there afterward and killed them all," she said. They finally gave me my clothes and drove me home. My mother was furious at me for coming home so late. so I didn't tell her what had happened to me. I didn't know the details. although I felt so violated. I had no idea what would happen inside me. I was even too frightened to tell her anything when I missed my period, but finally I thought I had better, so she took me right to the doctor, and he told her I was pregnant.
"She got hysterical. My father was so angry. They called the police and tried to keep it as secret as they could, but like I said, my mother was so upset, she said she had to confide in someone, only she picked the wrong someone, and soon everyone knew about me. especially Penny Martin."
"But if you were drugged, how can they blame you and make it sound like you wanted it to happen?" I asked.
"They just do. They blame me for being so stupid and trusting. Penny and Wendi tell people I must have enjoyed it. I wish it would happen to them," she said, her eyes flaring. "Then we'll see how smart they are. We'll see how much they enjoy it."
She looked down at her wrists. Tears began to trickle down her cheeks.
"Autumn," I said softly. "You'll be all right."
"No. I won't!" she cried. "Even though my father knows how it happened, he blames me, too." she revealed. "My sister does. Everyone does!" she cried,
"That's not fair."
"Tell me about it," she said, taking deep breaths. "They make you feel so dirty. A hundred baths won't make you feel any cleaner. No one wants to be friends with me. My own family hates me. I know my father hopes he's transferred soon. He wants to go somewhere where no one will know about me. I'm an embarrassment for him, especially now after what I have done. I'm like an ugly stain on his uniform."
"No, you're not," I said, but not with any conviction. Many of the naval officers and personnel I had met in my life gave me the feeling they had to have every aspect of their lives polished and shiny. Any blemish on their reputations diminished them dramatically. How many times had I heard the lecture about how we represented the country?
All I knew was my daddy could never hate me or be ashamed of me. I was luckier than Autumn. We weren't just another naval family; we were a family.
"Thanks for saving that," Autumn told me. -but you're new here, and soon enough you won't want to come around. It's all right. I don't care anymore. You want to know something? I'm looking forward to going to a special school. I'm looking forward to going anyplace else."
"I hope you don't. As soon as you can, come visit me," I said. "I'll be your friend." I promised.
She looked at me skeptically but with some joy in her eyes.
"Just be careful." she said. "Don't trust anyone. You're better off." She closed her eyes. "I'm so tired.
" she said. "It's because of some medicine they are giving.
"Okay. I'll come back to see you soon," I said.
She didn't reply. She slid dawn in her bed and kept her eyes closed. I looked at her for a moment. Most of what she said and felt unfortunately was true. In the world we lived in if something bad happened to you, it had to be your fault. You didn't do something you should have done to prepare or to prevent it. You should have anticipated, expected, known, followed procedure. There was no such thing as a pure victim. We were all guilty always,
"Bye," I said softly. "I hope you feel better soon."
She barely acknowledged me with a slight nod. and I left her room.
As I started out of the house. I saw Mrs. Sullivan sitting in the living room, staring at the doorway.
"Oh. I'm sorry. Mrs. Sullivan," I said "If you were sitting here when I came in. I didn't see you."
She looked up as if she had just that moment realized I had come to visit.
"I wish I really was that invisible," she said.
"Autumn will be all right." I told her. I don't know from what well of information and confidence I drew that, but it raised her eyebrows.
You think so?"
"Yes, ma'am. I do." I said.
You young people today... nothing important seems to matter to you All that's important is a good time."
"No. ma'am. That's not true for everyone."
"You all behave as if there are no consequences to your actions." She nodded, "We all learn pretty fast that we pay the piper," she said. "Just remember that."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Thanks far coming," she said, and sat back, taking on that far-off look in her eyes again,
"Bye," I said, and left the house.
I hurried home to tell Mommy every-thing. When Daddy came home. I told him about my visit. too. We talked about it at dinner, and I could see they were both afraid I would fall victim to such events.
"Autumn's mother isn't all wrong, honey," Mommy said. "You have to be a little paranoid in today's world, especially today's youthful world. Every new generation seems to inherit some additional dangers. Sometimes I wish we lived back in the eighteen hundreds."