I stood there, looking down the beach and then out at the dock, but he was nowhere to be seen.
I did see him, I told myself. I did.
I found Mommy working on her fingernails when I entered the apartment. She looked up at me.
"If you don't start looking for someplace to go, something to do with your life. I don't know what." she said. "You sounded like a real idiot out there."
She looked at her nails again. I waited a moment and then went to bed. At breakfast she didn't mention anything about what had happened the night before. She talked about chores she had, shopping she must do,
"I'm almost afraid to leave Linden here alone with you," she finally added.
"Why?"
"You're acting strangely again. You should go back to the therapist."
"I'm fine," I said.
"I hope so." she countered in a threatening tone. Finally she left. and I took Linden to the beach as usual. It was a very quiet morning, The Eatons rarely appeared outside before one or two in the afternoon. Mommy said that was because they partied all night into the morning. She called them the idle rich.
I didn't care. I was happy not to be bothered, not to have anyone looking at us. I sat there doing a crossword puzzle and watching Linden play.
"You were right," I heard, and looked up. There was Daddy. He was in his flight suit this time and holding his helmet under his arm. "He's a very handsome young man. A little like myself at his age," he added with a smile, "I ever show you pictures of me as a little boy?"
"Yes,," I said. "I still have them in a chest."
"Well, take them out and look at them again. Show them to your mother. She is sure to get a kick out of it, out of the resemblance," he said. He looked out over the ocean. "Stiff winds today. I'm off on a mission. Sailor Girl. You take charge here. okay?"
He always used to say that to me.
"Aye, aye. sir," I said, and he smiled and gave me the two-finger salute.
I saluted back and watched him walk off. He seemed to walk right into the air and was gone.
Linden was looking up at me.
"Hey," I said. "Let me show you how to salute."
I worked on it all day and finally got him to do it. I couldn't wait to show Mommy when she returned.
"He saw Daddy do it, too." I told her. and she spun her head around at me so fast I thought she would snap her neck.
"What did you say?"
"Daddy was on the beach. He told me to dig out his old pictures, the ones of him as a little boy. He said he looked like Linden, and he said you would get a kick out of it."
She stared at me. "Why are you doing this. Grace? Are you trying to convince me you shouldn't go back to college, or are you trying to avoid doing something with your life? Why are you doing this?"
"Doing what?" I asked.
She stared and then shook her head. "I won't play this game with you," she muttered, and went to feed Linden.
I went to the chest and found the pictures. I had them spread out on my bed when she looked in.
"See." I said. "Linden does look like him when he was a little bay."
"Put those pictures away," she ordered. "You're absolutely ridiculous."
She walked off. but I kept the pictures out for a while. I had a feeling Daddy might want to see them again, too.
Sure enough, that night I was awoken by the sound of some soft laughter and looked over to see him sitting at my desk, gazing at the pictures.
"Daddy, you were right," I said I got up quickly and put on the lights.
"I thought I was. I like this one with me and the cat we used to have. Fluffy. I wish you could have seen that cat. Sailor Girl. She would follow me around just like a puppy dog. I ever tell you about her?"
"Yes. Daddy, many times," I said. smiling. 'Glad you dug up the pictures."
"You told me to, but Mommy didn't believe me."
"She'll come around. It takes time. Remember what I said, it takes time Well, I have to get going. Sleep tight," he said, and walked out.
"What are you doing?" I heard. "V, by are you up with the lights on? It's close to three in the morning." Mommy said from my doorway. She was holding her hands together against her chest.
"He was here looking at the pictures," I said. 'He just walked out. Did you see him?"
"See who?"
"Daddy."
She brought her hands to her mouth and then walked away. "Go to sleep," she called from her bedroom door.
I put out the lights and went back to bed. When I woke in the morning, all the pictures were gone. For a moment I thought I had put them back in the chest, but when I looked they weren't there.
"Mommy," I asked, coming out to the kitchen where she was feeding Linden breakfast. "Did you see Daddy's pictures?"
"Forget about those pictures," she told me.
"But..."
"I said forget about them. Grace. Stop this!" she screamed at me. "Stop it now, or... or I'll have you sent away. I swear I will."
Linden started to cry at the sound of her anger,
"What am I supposed to stop?" I asked softly. She didn't reply. She looked as if she was going to cry instead and turned away.
Then she sucked in her breath and went back to feeding Linden, comforting him.
It seemed to me that whenever I spoke to her these days Mommy got upset. It was better not to talk or to talk as little as possible.
It was part of disappearing." I thought, remembering Augustus Brewster. First you stop talking, and then people stop hearing you, and then they stop hearing you, they stop seeing you, and soon you're going.
Maybe it was time to go.
.
Daddy agreed,
He came to me that night. I awoke and saw him sitting at my bedside. He was in his dress uniform again, all the medals on his chest. He was looking down, waiting for me to open my eyes. I sat up slowly.
"Daddy? Why are you here?"
He looked up slowly, "I've come for you. Grace," he said. "I received the orders just a little while ago."
"Come for me?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he said. He smiled, but it looked like a smile born from sadness, not happiness. I thought there were even tears in his eyes. and I rarely saw my Daddy cry.
"But what about Linden?" I asked.
"He'll be fine. He'll be with your mother. and she will take good care of him."
He stared hard at me a moment. "You knew I was coming for you one day. Sailor Girl, didn't you? You expected it.'
"Yes. Daddy. It's just sooner than I had imagined."
"I was surprised myself." he said. "but we don't question orders, Sailor Girl. We act on them. That's what makes us successful."
"Do I need to bring anything?" I asked. He shook his head and stood.
I threw off my blanket and stepped off my bed. Can I at least say goodbye to Linden?" I asked.
"Sure." he said. "We'll both do that."
Moving as if we were made of air, we slipped into Mommy's roam. She was fast asleep, her back to us. Linden was in his small bed beside hers. turned on his side. little lips moving ever so slightly with his breathing.
"I should kiss him," I said.
"Don't wake him." Daddy warned,
"I won't."
Ever so slowly I knelt down beside him and brought my lips to his cheek. I just held them there a second or two and then stood up again. His eyelids barely fluttered.
"Perfect," Daddy said.
I smiled, looked at Mommy, and started out of the room behind Daddy. I looked back once more before following him down the hallway to the door that opened onto the rear loggia. It was a windy evening, and the breakers were high and bone white. The sky was starless. overcast.
"Rough seas ahead." Daddy warned.
The wind rattled the shades and the blinds behind me until I closed the door. Then I followed him down the steps, and we both walked toward the dock.
"I'm a little frightened. Daddy," I said.
He stopped and nodded
. "Sure you are. Why shouldn't you be?
I was. Here." he said, reaching for my hand. "I'll be right beside you the whole time."
"Thank you. Daddy."
We continued toward the dock.
"You probably don't remember." he said. "but when you were very little, not much older than Linden is now, I took you down to the dock to see an aircraft carrier arriving. You thought it was going to come right on shore, and you were very frightened for a few moments. I picked you up and reassured you, and you calmed down, and then your eyes grew so big with amazement I couldn't stop laughing. There was a band there, and they were playing the Navy anthem."
"I think I remember. Daddy."
"Anchors aweigh, my boy," he sang. "You used to sing that. Sailor Girl."
"I know."
"It broke my heart to leave you behind. I know it's selfish of me, but when the order came down to get you I was happy about it. Forgive me."
"I can never blame you for anything. Daddy. Never." I said.
He smiled, and we stepped onto the dock. "Can you see the ship there. Sailor Girl?"
I started to shake my head, and then there it was, a tender to bring us out to that big beautiful aircraft carrier that waited beyond,
"Here we go," Daddy said.
We walked toward the end of the dock. I started to look back, but Daddy said. "Don't look back now. Sailor Girl, Not until you're aboard. It makes it too hard to leave."
"Okay, Daddy."
A sea gull came flying over the water suddenly and veered right aver us, sailing with the wind, its beak slightly open, its eyes sewn shut.
I squeezed Daddy's hand harder, and he held mine tighter.
"Okay," he said when we reached the end. "This is it. Turn now and salute."
I did, watching him. We saluted together, two fingers, looking back at the house.
Mommy appeared to be standing there now.
"Grace!" she screamed, "What are you doing?"
"Don't answer," Daddy said. "They never want you to leave. If it was up to them we would never go on any assignments. I can't blame them, but we can't let it get to us. Let's go." he said, and we both stepped off the dock and onto the tender.
It was so cold,
"It's so cold," I said.
Daddy didn't reply.
"'Daddy, it's so cold! Why is it so cold?" Where was he?
"You fool, you damn fool." I heard, and felt an aim around my waist.
Mommy's face was beside mine, and she was struggling, spitting water, but she wouldn't let me go. The wave picked us up and tossed us both, and a moment later I felt sand beneath my feet. Mommy was tugging and screaming. and I was so confused.
Someone else was there, one of the male servants. He had his arm around my waist now and lifted me like a baby. Then he lowered me to the beach and fell beside me, breathing hard. I was coughing and spitting out sea water. Mommy was sitting
there, looking so silly, I thought, her hair down, her nightgown nearly completely off, her body twisted,
"Why... did you do that. Grace? Why?" she demanded. I think she was crying, although it was hard to tell the difference between her tears and the sea water dripping out of her hair.
"I was going with Daddy," I said. coughing. "He had come for me." I looked out at the sea. "I don't know where he is now," I said.
The tender was gone, and so was the beautiful aircraft carrier. He had left without me.
Once again.
He had left without me. Epilogue
I remember thinking Mommy gets everyone to make house calls. There was my psychiatrist. Dr. Anderson. at my bedside, just the way Dr. Cook had been,
"How are you. Grace?" he asked.
I also remember thinking, how can he be talking to me? Surely he can't see me anymore, and surely it would do no good for me to reply. He wouldn't be able to hear me. I looked away.
"Your mother says you've been talking about your father a great deal these days."
Daddy? Yes, of course, I thought.
"You've even seen him, she says. Is that true, Grace?" I nodded. Maybe the doctor did see me.
"You thought he wanted you to go away with him? Is that true?"
I turned back to him. "Yes," I said. I heard myself say it and realized I could still be heard. The doctor smiled.
"I'm sure you misunderstood him. Grace. He wouldn't have wanted you to leave your mother and Linden forever, now would he?"
It couldn't be helped. It was orders," I said.
"Well, orders can be rescinded. Just a mistake. Grace. That's all it was."
I shook my head. "No."
"She'll do it again," I heard. Mommy was standing in my doorway. "We've got to do something. I can't live with one eye open all the time. I'll be the one who needs your therapy soon."
The doctor put up his hand without turning back to her and then smiled at me.
"You just relax awhile. Grace. I'm going to speak with your mother. and I'll be back. okay?"
I didn't reply. He rose and went out with her. I heard their muffled voices. Mommy's sobbing, and then I heard the doctor go to our telephone.
I dozed off, and when I opened my eyes again Dr. Anderson was back at my bedside.
"Well now, Grace," he said. smiling. "new orders have come through."
I looked up at him. Was this true?
"You are required to go someplace where people are going to help you get well again. Your Daddy would surely like that, wouldn't he?"
I nodded.
"I want you to take these two pills. Grace. They will help you rest until it's time for you to go, okay?"
I nodded again, and he gave me the pills and some water, bracing me up with his hand as I swallowed, Then he lowered me to the pillow and smiled.
"That's fine, Grace. Good girl," he said. I closed my eyes.
When I opened them again it was already early afternoon. One of our former house servants. Lourdes, was in the kitchen. I could hear her speaking with Mommy, who was going over a list of things she wanted her to do.
"While were away," she repeated, practically beginning every other sentence with it.
Who's going to be away? I wondered. I tried to get out of bed and felt so weak my arms and legs trembled, All I managed to do was sit up.
Sitting up. I was able to see the suitcases in the hallway just outside my bedroom doorway.
"Mommy!" I called, Was she leaving with Linden? She came to the door.
"Well, good, you're awake. The car's coming for us in about an hour. so I'm going to have you shower and dress. Grace. Lourdes will help you if you need help." she said.
"What car?"
"The car that will take us to the airport. Grace. We have to go to the clinic where they can help you Dr. Anderson has arranged it all. He has a friend who owns it and runs it, and he assures me his friend is the best in the profession. His name is Dr De Beers."
"Oh." I said.
"It's for your own good, and mine too." she muttered, "Can you shower and dress yourself?"
"I'm not sure," I said.
I struggled a little, and Lourdes came charging in around Mommy and helped me to my feet and to the bathroom.
When I was dressed I sat on the rear loggia and waited. I remember I was thinking it was partly cloudy with a warm breeze, but there were no sea mills around the dock today, and there were no ships out there gliding across the horizon. The whole world seemed at pause, even the waves were gentler than usual for this time of the day. Everything was waiting for something special to happen. What was it?
Linden came out and stood there looking at me strangely. He ran his fingers over the railing and looked at me again.
"You saw my daddy, too, didn't you. Linden? You saw the naval officer, and you saw him salute, didn't you? Remember?" I said, saluting with two fingers.
He smiled, but he was more fascinated with some of the cracks that had farmed in the railing. The shapes intrigued him, and he traced them and studied them as if they were the answer to
some great mystery.
A man in a chauffeur's uniform appeared. and Mommy came out of the apartment quickly to give him orders.
"The suitcases are ready and waiting right inside." she told him.
He nodded, gave me a passing glance, and went inside. A moment later he was carrying them out. Linden was very curious about him. He was at the age where he was curious about everything now.
"It's time to go. Grace," Mommy said.
She was dressed very nicely in one of her designer suits and had her hair pinned up. She wore her nicest diamond teardrop earrings, too, and had her favorite cameo pinned above her right breast.
I stood up, and she took my arm and directed me toward the stairway. Lourdes came out and stood beside Linden. He watched us but said nothing,
"I should say goodbye to him," I said "I should kiss him goodbye, shouldn't I. Mommy?"
"No," she said sharply. "You'll only make him cry, Grace. It's better if you just leave. You'll be back soon," she promised. "It's easier for everyone. Go on, walk." she ordered. and I went down the stairs.
The car was there, a black Town Car. The driver stood at the rear door that was opened and waiting for us,
"This is the car that will take us to the airport." Mommy said when I stopped walking.
"Oh." I tilted my head with confusion, "Why are we going to the airport? I forgot."
She made a face of impatience.
"We're going to South Carolina." she said slowly, pronouncing each syllable with deliberateness. "So we have to fly there. That's where the clinic is and where Dr. De Beers waits for you. You'll be fine after a while, and then you can come home." she said, but she didn't sound very sure of it. It sounded too much like a promise, and promises were more like wishes for me now.
We started toward the car again.
Linden, I kept thinking. I'm going so far and I'm leaving without saying goodbye. It doesn't seem right, He'llwonder about me, and he'll be looking for me, especially in the evening. I -won't be there to read him a story, and my bedwill be empty. It doesn't seem right.
At the car I paused and turned back toward the rear of the beach house. Lourdes had him in her arms and had brought him around. She was pointing toward us and telling him to wave goodbye.
"Get in. Grace." Mommy said, her voice dripping with impatience. "We've got to go. We can't miss our flight."