“But she was,” I began. She instantly cut me off and held her hand up toward me.
“If there is any more to the story, I don’t want to know about it. Just keep it to yourself. Please, do not make me think any less of her than I already do. This is heart break is enough.”
I stared at her enthralled. She had no idea about the baby and I was also positive that she didn’t know about the destructive abuse in her daughter’s relationship with Ethan. “Okay, I can understand and accept that,” I said a little sarcastically.
“Aidriana, please, be respectful. My daughter is dead. At least have the decency to be considerate of my wishes, whether you agree with them or not.”
“Fine,” I said annoyed.
“I want you to take this,” she said as she pushed the diary toward me. “Please, read it. I think she would’ve wanted you to.”
“She hated me!” I spat.
“Trust me, she didn’t. You’re a very smart girl, sweetie. I think you already knew that she didn’t.”
I looked at her morosely as I cradled the journal against my chest. A single tear rolled down my face and I stood up abruptly. “Thank you, Mandy. I will read it. I’d love to stay and, ya know, chat, but I think I need to get out of here,” I said awkwardly.
She didn’t say another word to me. I just got up and needed to get out. My mind wandered toward the door, even though my body seemed to be suspended next to Mandy. I had managed to get out of my chair but I felt like I couldn’t move. She looked at me, concerned at the very least, and waited patiently to let myself escape. After what seemed like hours, I turned away from her and booked it out of the front door. The diary called to me and all I wanted to do now was read it.
Chapter 17
I sat on my bedroom floor just staring at the death ridden book. Everything about this journal screamed pain and suffering. I had been staring at it for hours, but a large part of me couldn’t bear to open the damn thing. I had a feeling that all it would accomplish would be to force more unwanted knowledge and guilt upon me. I could honestly say, I wasn’t really sure how much more of it I could take.
The trance I was in was consuming until the startling creak of my door echoed in my ear. Katelyn stood in the doorway, empathy and distress radiating off of her. Somehow she must’ve heard about Alexa. I instantly wished she wouldn’t have come.
“Can I come in?” she asked quietly.
“I don’t see why you couldn’t,” I answered back in a whisper. She moved slowly over to my bed, as if I were a wounded animal, and sat quietly on the edge. “So, uh, how are your meetings going?”
“I’ve been clean and sober for months, Aid, so I’d say pretty well. But, that’s not what I came in here to talk about. Nice try though, sis.”
“I figured,” I said dryly.
“Mandy called Mom earlier,” she stated. Her voice cracked slightly as her eyes began to fill with tears.
“Not surprised at that either,” I said emotionless.
“Come on, Aidriana. Don’t act like you don’t care. She was your best friend. She just got done battling with a brain tumor and survived. Now she ended her own life! She’s gone forever! Swallow your pride a little and feel some pity for a girl that may as well have been our sister. I know you’re not that cruel!”
“Katelyn, I don’t think you understand how much more complicated this situation really is. I do pity her, for being stupid enough mutilate her body beyond repair. I fear that her soul may be lost or worse. I am sorry for her hardships. And I do care, regardless of the choices she made before this, but most of all, I feel sorry for everyone that is hurting or will hurt because of this. I pity everyone that will hurt because of all of her secrets and those who will miss an innocence that never even existed,” I sighed deeply at my rant. “I miss who I thought she was, but I don’t miss who she ended up being. And you’re right, I’m not cruel, I’m realistic.”
She stared at me in disbelief. What I just said to her must have sounded cold and even heartless, but to me, it sounded perfectly rational. “Who are you?” she yelled at me. “I’ve never heard you speak about anyone in such a cold manner, let alone someone you grew up with and care about! I can’t even believe you!”
“Well, things change,” I said to her.
“Apparently,” she said as she turned toward the door. She looked at me for a moment and her eyes glimmered in sadness. “Let me know when my sister comes back.”
I snorted at her comment. She knew nothing; just like the rest of the people I called my family and friends. Now that I was finally alone, I picked up the journal and flipped toward the end. I began shuffling through the dates so that I could truly know Alexa for who she had become. I hoped this was the way to figure her out.
The first entry that caught my eye was dated June 2, 2005. It was the first I had seen Ethan’s name mentioned. I shivered at the thought of reading anything about him but I needed the closure. I wanted to let go. I softly touched the page, sighed, and began to read the start of all of our problems.
~
June 2, 2005
What an interesting turn of events. My day at the mall turned out to be much more fun that I had ever planned on. I went alone just to go get some summer clothes and a new bathing suit. I haven’t really talked to Aid this summer but I was assuming that was because she was in a semi-new relationship. I was walking to my next store when I saw Ethan. I was so excited because I instantly thought that meant I would get to hang out at the mall with Aid today. I had no doubt she was with him, but yet she wasn’t. Unfortunately, the damage was done and I had already walked up to him. I kicked myself for even saying hi before I saw her first because now I was gonna be stuck in an awkward conversation with him and I hardly knew the guy. Surprisingly, talking to him wasn’t awkward at all and we had a lot more in common than I ever would have suspected. We spent most of the day together and we talked about everything, including Aidriana. I was sad to hear him say that he wasn’t as happy with her as he had hoped. They just don’t have much privacy and their relationship seems to be an open book for the entire school to read. All of their business somehow gets around and even the teachers know they are dating. I feel so bad that he feels like that because Aid seems so happy with him. They haven’t been dating for very long but Aidriana has always had a hard time with things because of her interesting school situation. I am just happy to see her so happy for once. Just because she’s freakishly smart shouldn’t mean that she can’t have the same experiences as everyone else! It’s just nice to see her with someone and actually getting to have something normal for a change. I hope things work for her. I love her like my sister, but she already knows that.
~
I stared at the page and instantly felt like such an asshole. I remembered that day. I remembered him going to the mall and saying that he was going to have a guy day with Ryder. He had never mentioned hanging out with Alexa the entire day or the fact that Ryder had never even gone. Alexa had been the one to bring it up to me and it had started out so innocently. She was just trying to be friendly with my boyfriend so that things weren’t awkward for all of us. She just happened to fall for his bullshit the same way I had.
The next entry just proved that Alexa was a good friend and that Ethan was a guilty dog that deserved no less than another punch in his face. She hadn’t started this like I had hoped, he had.
~
June 12, 2005
I’ve been thrown for a loop. I’m not sure how good Ethan actually is for Aid after all. Today at the beach, I ran into Ryder. He was flirting with some blonde girl and grinning like an idiot. I tried to walk past him without him noticing but the kid is like a psychic or something. It wouldn’t have mattered if his back would’ve been turned away from me even, he still, somehow, would have known I was passing by. It wasn’t until today though that I figured out why he always had a freakishly strange way of always knowing I was coming. After saying “hey” to me as bro-ishly as possible
, only because he was trying to impress this butterface, (And I must say she looked good if only her face were covered), he had to make it look like he was in no way interested in me. He then went on to mention that Ethan was here somewhere on the beach and then looked around me anxiously. He said, and I quote, “Oh, I see Aidriana didn’t join you today, that’s too bad.” Now the way it looks, he’s being sarcastic like he always is, but there was something in his eyes that said otherwise. Even the tone in his voice was disappointed and honestly upset. He wanted her to be with me today. Even funnier, the blonde he had been hitting on seemed to have become completely invisible and obsolete to him he moment he mentioned her name. He said bye to me and sure shit enough, he walked away alone and left blonde boobs awkwardly alone with me. I looked at her, shook my head at her fake tan, and walked away without even a second glance. SO WEIRD! Ryder was totally in love with Aidriana and none of us even knew it. Even worse, his best friend snatched her up before he even got a chance with her. So then there is Ethan, strange situation #2. He came looking for me after he ran into Ryder and Ryder had kindly mentioned that I was here alone. He started out pretty normal but after about 15 minutes of chatting, he started flirting with me. Strike one. Then he started talking about not being happy with Aid again, which was not cool with me. Strike two. Last but not least, he leaned over and kissed me. That’s when I lost my temper. Strike three! Let’s just say that he is going to have a mark from me slapping him. What a pig! I just don’t know if I should say something to Aid or if I should just let it go. I don’t think she’ll listen anyways. UGH! NOT COOL!
~
I remembered vividly asking him what had happened to his face that day and he lied to me! He had told me that someone had thrown a football and it had hit him on his cheek. At the time, I had no reason to suspect otherwise, but now it just seemed so disgustingly obvious. I skimmed through more of the book and found various entries about how their relationship began and how it quickly went downhill.
She mentioned several times the promises he kept making her and that he said he was going to leave me so they could truly be together. Sadly for her, he never did leave me, I left him. The more I read, the harder it was getting to not feel horrible about everything. It was also becoming more apparent how mislead she really was and how pathetic their relationship had been. She had put up with so much from him, only to be used and abused by a man that didn’t even care about her.
She also wrote about me a lot. Surprisingly, they were never cruel thoughts but very loving and concerned ones. She was worried about me and said that my behavior was unusual and not of my character. She also said something changed about me and that she hardly knew who I was anymore.
The further I pushed through the crimson journal, the more depression and misery showed in her writing. I flipped through quickly until I hit April, which is when I noticed Alexa falling apart and began losing herself.
~
April 1, 2006
What have I done? It’s a sorrow inside I have never experienced before. My mind wanders and I can’t concentrate on anything for very long. It’s been one month, to the day, that I made the biggest mistake of my life. The small features of her face haunt my dreams. The sickening sound of the man removing her from my body lingers in my ears like a cruel song. I hate myself but even more, I hate him. The man I gave my heart to continues to abuse me to my core. My soul aches in the darkness that I can’t find my way out of. How dare he force me to do this to our baby! The innocence inside of me was ripped from her safe haven and has joined God. I have never been a religious or spiritual person, but after that day, I pray that God has embraced my daughter, forgives me for my weaknesses, and punishes that bastard for putting my daughter and me through this. Had he not threatened my life, I would have run. I was scared and horribly weak though. The abortion was selfish but he would have killed her anyways. She entered this world, spotted black and blue, from all of the times he had hit me, kicked me, and punched me. I can’t believe I haven’t been taken from this world yet considering the constant abuse and torture he is making me endure. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.
~
My eyes stung with tears. She had been starving herself out of guilt. She was falling apart out of pain and sorrow. Worst of all, I wasn’t there for her. Several more entries spanned to her last one. Her final entry had today’s date on it. A small smear of blood ran across the page. It was addressed to me. I gaped at the entry in confusion. She must’ve written this while she was dying.
~
May 2, 2006
Aidriana,
I know my mother would never read this journal and that she will give it right to you. First and foremost, I want to say I’m sorry for my betrayal of our friendship. I love you more than you’ll ever know. You have been like the sister I never had and I’m so sorry. Since I know you well enough, there is no point in trying to explain why I am doing this because you already know. I can guarantee that you read every important thing I wrote and left the best for last. Don’t pity me, know I’m where I want to be and I am cradling my daughter in my new home. I have to believe that God is understanding and just. I also have to believe that He will forgive me for this and welcome me with open arms. As for you, Aid, you are different. Something evil is brewing inside of you and the last few months that I shared with the living, showed me just how worried I should be for you. You aren’t who you once were and darkness clouds your inner light. I pray you will forgive Ethan for his dark behavior but I already know you won’t be able to. Let me just remind you that he will be judged one day and as much as I know you want it to be, it is NOT your job or place to do so. Look to Ryder to ground you and for support. I know he can be a huge tool at times, but the guy’s got great morale, whether he’d like to admit it or not. I love you, Aid. Please be smart and rational! See you on the other side, sister.
Love always,
Alexandra Nicole Levado
P.S. Tell my mom that I love her and that Dad and I will be waiting for her. Tell her to live her life to the fullest and enjoy things and that when I see her again, I will explain everything. Most importantly, tell her that I am so sorry for putting her through this.
~
I set the blood smeared journal down and broke into a soft whimper. She needed help and I did nothing for her. I let her get abused by that worthless piece of shit for months because I was angry with her. I let her die.
Chapter 18
I sat silently with the envelope in my lap. Mandy held my left hand as the tears flowed down her delicate face. She appeared to have aged years just in the few days since Alexa’s death. She reeked of stale tobacco and alcohol lingered on her breath.
Ryder sat awkwardly next to me. He was tense and kept a firm grip on my right hand. His eyes wandered toward me regularly taking worried yet cautious glances. Ethan was nowhere to be found and no one had heard from him since the day of her suicide. His unwillingness to even come to the mother of his deceased daughter’s funeral made me sick beyond any amount of words.
As the crowd began to find their seats, I grew more anxious. Mandy broke into intense sobs every few minutes. Pastor John, Alexa’s religious teacher and father’s best friend, stood silently at his podium. His face was stricken with the same grief I saw on Mandy’s.
Everyone grew silent as John began to move toward the microphone. The music stopped and the silence was horrifying. He took a deep and cleansing breath and tried to smile. “It is nice to see so many familiar faces. The circumstances are unfortunate but Alexa always had a way to bring people together. I’m glad she got one last chance to bring so many of us to the same place as we celebrate the life of Alexandra.”
As he spoke about Alexa’s life, my mind drifted and I began to think of Ethan again. I didn’t understand why he hadn’t even shown up here. Why wasn’t he mourning her death? I was so furious with him and all I wanted was for him to pay for the things he did to her.
~
When I felt a squeeze on my hand, my mind raced back to reality. I felt as though my sanity was unraveling. I looked at Ryder and tears sprung to my eyes. He pulled me to his chest and held me close. There was no need for words here. The act alone was enough.
“What’s the envelope for,” he finally asked after a long period of silence.
“It’s for Mandy. Alexa left her a message in her journal. She wrote that she wanted me to tell her, but I think it will mean more if she sees that it was there.”
“Wait, Alexa left you a note in her diary?”
“Yeah, strange right?”
“When did she write it?” he asked clearly interested.
“The day she died,” I said softly. “I think she was writing it while she was dying.”
“That’s messed up.”
“Yeah, it is. But I’ll be back in a second. I just need to give this to her really quick.”
I walked up to her timidly and tapped her shoulder. She hugged me quickly and smiled. “How are you, sweetie.”
“I’m doing okay. If you ever need me, just call okay. I know this has to be hard.”
“Thank you, Aidriana.”
“Uh, I thought you should have this,” I said to her awkwardly as I handed her the envelope I had been holding. She looked at it curiously.
“What is it?”
“It’s a note to you. Just read it in a little while, okay?”
She nodded at me in understanding and gently tucked the envelope into her black handbag. “Thank you,” she said sadly.
I smiled and walked back toward Ryder. We made our way out to the parking lot with the rest of the crowd and waited for them to take her body. Alexa had said she wanted to be cremated like her father after he had passed so Mandy wanted to respect her wishes. As the car pulled away, Mandy broke down again and some of her family carried her back into the comfort of the funeral home.