“I’m trying,” I mumbled at him.
I looked over at Ryder and suddenly wondered what the hell he was even doing here. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the time or place to ask him. He looked nervous too as beads of sweat formed on his forehead. He smiled at me too and I saw a flash of him staring at me lovingly, the same way he had before my dream ended.
“Why don’t we go for a walk? Get your mind off of this,” Ryder suggested.
He nodded at Ethan as he stood. Ethan stayed in his seat and pushed me up so I would go. I stood up, against my will and better judgment. I had a feeling this walk was going to lead to my ultimate insanity.
We walked out of the waiting room and headed for the cafeteria. It was silent at first. I walked slowly next to him and I kept my eyes on the floor.
“Aidriana, I know we’ve never been super close or anything, but I consider you a good friend of mine nonetheless,” he said quietly.
I looked at him and wondered why he was being so nice. He smiled at me again and I couldn’t help but smile back.
“I didn’t know you thought so highly of me,” I said as I laughed a little.
“Aid, you’ve been around for a while. It’s hard not to think highly of you,” he admitted.
I looked into his eyes and there was no flicker from the dream. There was just him and he was looking at me the way he had when he was married to me. I looked away and pretended that I hadn’t seen anything. Maybe I was just imagining things.
“Thanks,” I added after an awkward silence.
We sat down on a bench in the hall without saying a word. I could feel his eyes on me and I looked up.
“She’s gonna be fine, Aid,” he reassured.
The next thing I knew, he was hugging me. I was confused more than ever now. What was he thinking? I felt a sudden vibration on my thigh and realized that my phone was in my pocket. I pulled away from Ryder quickly and flung it open.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Hi hunny, just checking in to see how Alexa is doing,” my mom said.
“Mom, she’s only been in there for a little over two hours. I’ll call you as soon as I know something, okay?” I explained.
“I guess I’m just worried sweetie. It seems like she’s been in there much longer than that.”
“Trust me, I know what you mean,” I agreed.
“Hang in there kido. As soon as you hear something, call me. Oh, and tell Mandy to call me, will you?” she said.
“Yes Mom.”
“I love you hunny.”
“I love you too Momma. I’ll talk to you soon.”
I closed my phone and tucked it back in my front pocket. I laced my hands together and rested them on my lap. I felt a sudden and overwhelming amount of confusion. I didn’t know if I was just being paranoid or if Ryder was looking at me different than usual. I didn’t understand what was happening.
He sat next to me and didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure if he felt he had overstepped his boundaries with me or if he was actually guilty about something.
“Maybe we should get back,” I suggested. “She’s been in there for about 2 hours now. I’m hoping she’s about done and everything went as simple as they thought it would.”
“Yeah you’re probably right. I hope she’s out soon too. Then we can all feel a little less stressed,” Ryder said.
We slowly made our way back to the waiting room, where I found Mandy and Ethan chatting up a storm like they were best buds. This day was truly bringing on some awkward and weird events. Mandy looked over at the door as we walked in.
“Ah, finally you two are back!” Mandy exclaimed.
“Any word yet?” I asked.
“Not quiet. I have a feeling it will be very soon though,” Mandy answered.
“It seems like such a short surgery even though they are ripping that thing from her brain,” Ethan said sounding awkwardly worried.
I stared at all of them utterly lost and confused. It was like being stuck in an episode of the twilight zone and this was my alternate reality. I felt like the world around me was crumbling in pandemonium and no one seemed to even notice. I looked over at Ryder one last time before I decided to let my mind check into a void of thoughts. His eyes were on me again, searching for some kind of answer. The deep love I had seen in them only a few minutes before had vanished and was replaced with a sadness I had never witnessed in him.
That was when I realized, he was sitting here with us for me, not for her. How I had never noticed before was beyond me, but Ryder was in love with me. I shut down after that and just like that, I was falling into the void I was getting far too used to.
~
The fatigue was back at full force. Not only was I on the verge of barfing out my stomach, but the room was spinning and my vision was blurry again. I was alone this time. From what I could tell, the room was small and the walls were a boring off white. My body was still stuck down onto the tiny, uncomfortable bed. I felt weak and my muscles trembled in protest as I tried to move. My arms buckled back down against the restraints around my wrists.
After trying to get up and going against the restraints for several minutes, I gave up. The haze in my vision was slowly disappearing. The room was much like a hospital room, though there were no monitors or supplies of any kind. I was completely alone and the room was mostly empty. The door had a small window on it but I still had yet to see someone walk past it.
I was beginning to panic again. My heart was racing and pounding in my ears. I didn’t understand where I was, or how I got here for that matter. I stared up at the ceiling and the tears began to roll down my face. Then I heard the door open slightly and a wave of relief washed over me. I didn’t bother to look over though.
“Ariana,” the woman said softly.
There the name was again. “Are you talking to me?” I asked in confusion.
The older women looked saddened by my question. Her hair was a short, brown, choppy cut, left down and straight. It was above her shoulders and it was lightly peppered with grays. She looked kind and had sincere green eyes with flecks of yellow in them. She wore a white blouse and black slacks.
She smiled at me but her eyes showed her sympathy, “Yes, I am. Do you recognize me at all, Ariana?”
“My name is Aidriana and I have never seen you in my life,” I stated.
“No sweetie, that’s not your name. We’ve had this conversation many times before today. We’ve had this conversation many times since the accidents happened for that matter,” she tried to explain.
“What accidents? Where am I? What’s happening?” I asked. I was now panicking.
“Ariana, please try to stay calm this time. I don’t want to have the nurse come in again,” she warned softly.
“My name is not Ariana!” I yelled.
“Ok, Aidriana,” she paused trying to humor me. “That’s what you are called in your other life, correct?”
“That is my life! I don’t know what this is.” I tried to reach over to pinch myself but the restraints kept me from succeeding. “This is a dream!”
“Stay calm, please! Let’s talk about the accidents for a minute,” the woman offered calmly.
“I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“All of your friends passed away over the last few years. Do you remember anything about this?” she asked.
“All of my friends are fine. I was just with them,” I argued.
“Tell me their names, will you please?”
“Alexa,” I said first.
She then interrupted me, “Alex, possible suicide.”
“Ethan.”
She interrupted again. “Eli, drowned.”
“Ryder,” I said irritated.
“Ryan, house fire,” she corrected.
“Excuse me?” I finally spit out.
“Alex, Eli, and Ryan, all died last year. All friends of yours,” she explained.
“I seriously think you have me mistaken for som
eone else,” I retorted.
“Do you recognize the girl in this photo?” she asked me as she flashed a picture at me.
“Don’t ignore me lady! I don’t know what you are talking about! I’m not Ariana. Those aren’t my friend’s names! I need to get home!” I screamed hysterically.
“Can you just tell me quickly if you recognize her? This is the last question I have for now,” she pled.
The girl in the photo was blonde, small features, petite. I didn’t recognize her, not until I looked at her eyes, the window to the soul. They were a dramatic green with a splash of blue close to the pupils. There was a small imperfection that didn’t belong, a small brown speck in the right eye sticking out of the green. They were my eyes.
I began gasping as I looked at the photo in front of me. I couldn’t breathe. I could feel my body slowly giving up and I looked at the woman. My breaths were coming in too quickly and far too short.
“Just breathe! Don’t leave yet!” She begged.
The fog was slowly wrapping around my mind, coming to collect me once again. My body was beginning to tingle from the lack of oxygen. Just like that, I lost consciousness.
~
I woke abruptly with a gasp. I felt groggy and perplexed. I tried to control my breathing, make sense of what I had just dreamt. Was I dreaming? I wasn’t sure what was real anymore.
“Aid, are you ok?” Ryder was sitting next to me. I looked over and Ethan was no longer on my other side. “He went to walk around while you slept. I told him I’d stay with you just in case you woke up.”
“Um, I’m fine, bad dream again,” I said.
“Same one?” he asked.
“Unfortunately no,” I admitted.
“Maybe you should talk to someone about it if it’s bothering you so much,” he offered.
“Yeah, maybe I’ll get to the point where I can stomach to talk about it.” I couldn’t bring myself to say anything more to him. I suddenly wondered how long I had been sleeping. I looked over at the digital clock. Over hour had gone by. “Any word on Alexa?”
“Her mom just went back with the Surgeon,” he answered.
“Thank God,” I said smiling.
~
After waiting in an awkward silence for what seemed like a life time, I finally got my chance to see Alexa. I walked into her room as quietly as possible. I honestly didn’t know what to expect but I was ready for the very worst. I walked through the door anxious and at the same time relieved. They had shaved her head to get to the tumor but that didn’t bother me. I was just happy to see her breathing. I went to her side but she was far too drugged to really realize what was going on.
I sat there with her as her mother came and went. I wasn’t ready to leave her just yet, only out of fear that my dream was going to play out to a sick reality. But as the hours went by and the sun went down, nothing happened. She was stable and I finally felt comfortable to go home. I knew that she would call me as soon as she was able to pick up a phone, so that was good enough for me.
The drive home was long and I was restless. What the hell happened at that hospital? Between Ryder pining over me and the newer dream, I wasn’t really sure what I believed. Was I really just some crazy girl going in and out of consciousness? Was this the dream and that was my reality? It didn’t matter because this was better than being insane.
Chapter 9
Several days later, I finally got the call I had been waiting for. Alexa was fine and healing. She sounded relieved to talk to me, even if it was just on the phone.
“So how are you feeling?” I asked her.
“Different,” she admitted.
“Is that good or bad?”
“I think it’s good. I am in a lot of pain but I know it’s going to pass. The only thing I am not good with is this damn haircut!” she joked.
“Hey the loss of your hair is better than being in a hole in the ground,” I reminded her.
“Very true,” she said laughing. “At least no one has really made a big deal about it. I could be a really hot guy I guess.”
“Oh good God, you don’t even look remotely close to a man, dork,” I reassured her.
“Well I’m glad you don’t think so!” she said.
“So who all has come to visit you?” I asked.
“Well my mom has been here the entire time. You, Ethan and Ryder were here the day I went in. Ryder and Ethan came by yesterday. Your mom came to see me. And most of my family has been here at some point,” she explained.
“Hmm, interesting,” I said.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Oh please, don’t act so confused. Ryder and Ethan came to visit you? We both know that I wouldn’t be friends with Ryder if I wasn’t dating his best friend, and you wouldn’t be friends with either of them if it wasn’t for me dating Ethan,” I said.
“And your point being?”
“You and Ryder definitely have something going on,” I finally blurted.
She paused for a long minute and then sighed in relief. “How could you have possibly guessed that?”
“Honestly it never crossed my mind as possible until I…” I stopped. I didn’t want to bring up the dream again to her. There was much more to it than any of them knew and I was determined to keep it that way.
“Until you what?” she asked.
“Never mind, it’s nothing. I just knew.”
“Bullshit! You are a horrible liar Aidriana! It’s that damn dream isn’t it? You aren’t sharing a lot of it. I’ve known that since the first time you brought it up. So when the hell are you going to be honest about that?” she said annoyed.
“I’m sorry! I just couldn’t bear to tell you all about it. I have good reason to be a little worried about this,” I said.
“And why do you think you have good reason?”
“Because of your tumor!” I yelled.
“Excuse me?” she whispered.
“That stupid dream hasn’t been wrong yet. You had cancer in that dream, Alexa! You died in that dream. You were with Ryder in that dream, and you were pregnant with his baby!”
“Oh for fucksake, really? You’re telling me that you’re basing that dream’s credibility on a tumor and Ryder? Me and Ryder are not dating, by the way,” Alexa commented.
“If you’re not dating him, then why have you been so busy and why is he visiting you?”
“I dunno, to be a good friend maybe! I would like to think that after hanging out with him and Ethan so much, that we have all become pretty good friends.”
I sat in silence for a minute trying to process things. She wasn’t dating him. She was right though. I had no reason to be putting faith in something I was dreaming about. It shouldn’t have been so important to me because it was only a dream.
“I’m sorry Alexa, you’re right. I’m being irrational.”
“Yeah, irrational could be one way to describe it.”
“I think it’s time to talk to Mr. Keitz at school,” I admitted.
“You’re actually going to talk to him,” She asked surprised.
“It’s either that or I lose my damn mind. I shit you not, I can’t sleep or eat. I have been an anxious mess for weeks.”
“Definitely noticed. You didn’t have any of us fooled. Ryder seems overly worried about it.”
“Yeah I noticed that too. Maybe Ethan is really worried and doesn’t know how to express it?” I asked.
“Doubtful,” she said a little overly malevolent.
“Yeah I guess. Well I have some homework to finish so call me tomorrow okay?” I said quickly.
“Okay Aid, I will. I’ll be out of this hell hole soon!”
“Okay, bye,” I said and then hit the end button.
She had never talked to me like that when it came to Ethan. He had always been our way of gossiping but apparently she wasn’t in the mood today. I shrugged it off and shuffled through my bag to find my math homework. I sat alone in my room on my bed and wondered how I was going
to stay awake or coherent to finish this.
~
For the first time in weeks, I had slept peacefully. There were no dreams, no cold sweats, and no gasping for air. I had finally slept an entire night and saw absolutely nothing. I stretched out on my bed and smiled to myself. Maybe it was finally over and I could go on with my life.
It had been two weeks since Alexa’s surgery and she had finally made it home. I hadn’t seen her since she was released though. She said she wanted to rest and get better. I didn’t argue. I wanted her to come back to school and for everything to be okay again.
On this particular day, I got to school early again and walked effortlessly to my locker. Ethan was standing next to his looking rather pompous. He looked over at me and smiled, but the smile was completely fake.
“Hey babe, how was your weekend?”
“Well considering I didn’t see you at all, it wasn’t amazing. Ever heard of calling?” I snapped at him.
“Really Aidriana? I got busy, what is the big deal?” He asked nonchalantly.
“There isn’t one,” I said irritated.
“Whatever,” he mumbled and then walked away.
“Apparently I have perfect timing and always step into fights,” Ryder said smugly.
“Shut up, Ryder. I’m not in the mood for this right now,” I yelled.
“Sorry,” he said softly. “It sounds to me like your boyfriend is being an asshole this morning.”
“Oh you picked up on that too?” I said sarcastically.
“Well since he’s being a dick, why don’t we ditch this place and I’ll take you out to the mall,” he offered.
“I’d love to go to the mall but I have an appointment with Keitz at 9.”
“Ok so I’ll see you at 10,” he smiled.
Since I was so pissed off about Ethan, I had no problem agreeing. It could be fun or it could be a disaster. Either way, I was willing to take that chance. I didn’t go to my first hour, just for the simple fact that looking at Ethan’s face would just make me annoyed, so I ditched out and sat by Mr. Keitz office for a half hour. I was surprised that it took him until 8:30 to poke his head out and find me there.
“Ms. Masters, what a pleasant surprise,” Mr. Keitz said.
“I have an appointment at 9 so this isn’t much of a surprise is it?” I responded.
“Ah, very feisty again today I see. Not one of your better days again, I assume.”