Chapter 21
For a few moments, we were frozen in time. It was Jasmine who finally got things moving again.
"Oh," she said. "Wow. "
Kiyo's grip on the form tightened, and for a second, I feared he'd crumple or rip it. Instead, he let it fall to the floor and strode toward me as swiftly and fiercely as his predatory alter ego. I felt Jasmine shift - not away, but closer to me.
"Are you sure?" he asked, in a low, deadly voice.
"About which part?" I snapped. "That I'm pregnant? Or that it's yours?"
"Both. "
I felt my eyes narrow as I continued feeling angry and defensive. "Yes. Both. "
Silence fell. Then:
"When are you getting rid of it?" he asked.
"Christ. You get right to the point. "
"You know the point!" he exclaimed. "You know what it's always been! You're sure? You're really sure you're pregnant?"
I'd had the same questions for Dr. Moore and found myself repeating her answer. "Yes. The tests are very accurate. Besides, why else do you think they'd schedule me for that?" I pointed to the referral lying on the floor. He might work with animals, but he'd still know what a CVS was.
Jasmine, however, did not. She slipped away, gave him a wide berth, and retrieved the paper. "What's a . . . chorionic . . . vil-vil - "
"It's a test to detect defects," I said. I gave Kiyo a pointed look. "And gender. "
"It's a waste of time," he argued. He swallowed and attempted a kinder, more reasonable course with me. "Eugenie, you know the danger. You can't waste another day. If anyone finds out - if anyone in the Otherworld - "
"I know, I know! Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I somehow missed the constant rape attempts - and actual rape - based on that prophecy? Damn it, I know better than you what it means! But I can't - I can't get an abortion until I know what it is. If it's a girl or a boy. "
"And then what?" he asked. "You'll keep it if it's a girl? You always said you weren't sure you wanted to have kids. "
"I'm still not," I admitted, my voice trembling. A baby - world conqueror or not - had never been on my agenda. "But I have to know. "
His expression darkened, the coaxing gone. "It's better if you don't. It's better to keep it all anonymous, better not to think of it as a person. Stay ignorant. Just have the abortion and be done. "
Jasmine hadn't moved from her spot, her eyes going back and forth as she watched my verbal volley with Kiyo. "Geez," she said. "You don't seem too upset about killing your own kid. " I had been thinking the same thing. His cold detachment shocked me.
He flinched and gritted his teeth. "I never said I'm not upset. "
"But you're not just upset about what this means for the prophecy," I pointed out. I studied him carefully, realization dawning. "You don't entirely believe it's yours anyway. "
"Do you blame me?" he asked.
"It's yours," I said adamantly. The last time I'd been with Dorian, we'd had kinky oral sex. Maybe I hadn't known about antibiotics interacting with birth control pills, but I knew where a guy had to come to make you pregnant. "I know without a doubt. "
This gave Kiyo pause, as though he really were truly pondering the reality of losing his child. "I told you: I never said I'm not upset about this. But it's got to be dealt with. How could you have let this happen?"
"Oh, nice," I said. "It's my fault. If you're so into caution, maybe you shouldn't have fucked me in that grotto. "
Jasmine's eyes widened.
"Okay, forget it," he said tightly. "And forget your CVS. Just get the abortion while it's still easy. You can't be that far along. "
I shot up. "While it's still easy? Like you know! You're not the one who has to go through it!"
"Why are you fighting me on this?" he exclaimed in disbelief. "You always said you'd do this. Do you want the prophecy to come true? Do you want to have a son who leads armies here from the Otherworld to conquer and enslave?"
"Of course not! You know that. "
"Then stop wasting time! Look, if you're scared about getting it done . . . you don't have to do it here. "
"Oh? I can check in at the Otherworld's Planned Parenthood clinic?"
"No," he said wearily. "But there are potions. Maiwenn could help. Along with healing, she can work all sorts of other medical magic. "
"I'm sure she can. " I couldn't hide the bitterness in my voice. "And I'm sure she'd be more than happy to. "
"Eugenie - "
"Look," I interrupted. "Here's how it is. I don't like your attitude. I don't like you dictating this to me like I'm stupid or something. I know the consequences, okay? And you know where I stand on the prophecy. But I just have to know what exactly is in me first. Two days. We just wait two days for the test. "
"And then how long until the results?" he asked. "More time passes. Every day is dangerous. "
"But what if it's a girl?" This came from Jasmine. Both Kiyo and I turned to her. "What if Eugenie can have it? You're always going on and on about how awesome Luisa is. Wouldn't you want another one - especially with, like, your actual - sort of - girlfriend?"
"It's not - " Kiyo bit off his words and turned back to me. Those dark eyes studied me, and I felt my anger diffuse as they softened. I felt his love and knew all of this was coming from panic, his fears about the prophecy finally coming true. "Two days," he said at last.
"Two days," I repeated. "And then I'll do the right thing. " I wasn't exactly sure what the "right thing" would be if I was having a girl, seeing as motherhood still didn't really jump out at me. But that didn't matter right now. What mattered was that I had the choice.
Then, abruptly and without warning, Kiyo wrapped his arms around me, crushing me to his chest. "I love you," he said, voice shaking. It was the first time he'd spoken those words since we'd gotten back together, and they tore something inside of me. "But I'm just afraid. "
"I am too," I said, feeling tears spring into my eyes. Fucking hormones. "Everything'll be okay. "
When he released me, I finally really comprehended that Jasmine had witnessed all of this. The dramatic factor had probably trumped anything she could find on TV. Her face was a blank mask now, which made me uneasy. What was she thinking about all this? For so long, she'd wanted to be the one to have the heir. I supposed she should be all for an abortion. Yet . . . maybe she was so keen on our father's prophecy that she didn't care who had his grandson, so long as she could ride the power with us.
"I need you to stay with Jasmine tomorrow," I told Kiyo later, when we were lying in bed. "I wish she hadn't found out about this. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I'm worried she'll do something with the information. I could have Volusian watch her like he is now . . . " I usually summoned my minion for night watches. ". . . But I'd feel better with you there. "
Kiyo drew the covers up around us. "Where are you going?"
"Where do you think?"
He groaned. "Eugenie, you can't go back there until this mess is settled. If they find out - if anyone finds out - well. All hell will break loose, from those who are for the prophecy and those who are against it. "
"I have to," I said. "I realize now that most of my being sick is because . . . well, you know. But being apart from those lands is affecting me too. I just need to check in. " No more full-fledged meditation sessions, though. I couldn't risk any more telltale signs of my pregnancy from that intense communion. I'd just do the bare minimum required. "And not just with the lands' magic. I need to keep an eye on the Rowan Land's transition. "
I feared his reaction, particularly after his earlier outburst. Instead, he brushed a kiss to my lips. "Be careful. Be quick. "
"I will. " I pushed my lips back, kissing him harder. I moved my body closer to his, wrapping our legs together. I was terrified of what was happening, terrified of what I might be carrying. But now, with Kiyo on my side, I felt safe. We would get through this together, and I suddenly wanted to conn
ect with him and feel his love around me.
He responded instantly to the kiss, one of his hands tipping my head back in order to consume more of my lips. His other hand gripped my upper arm, nails lightly scratching my skin as animal lust began to take over. Then, abruptly, he stopped and pulled away.
"What's wrong?" I asked. I started to say he didn't have to worry about getting me pregnant, but that joke seemed kind of inappropriate.
"Nothing . . . I'm just . . . I'm just tired. " He kissed me again, but this time it was on my cheek. "It's been a long day. Just not up for it tonight . . . even though you're as sexy as always. "
The lightness in those last words seemed forced, and I was glad he couldn't see my frown in the darkness. I had just been rejected because . . . because why? Having sex during pregnancy wasn't harmful, I knew that much. Was I repulsive? Was the thought that I was carrying Storm King's heir putting him off? Whatever the reason, I didn't buy that he "wasn't up for it. " We'd been pressed hip to hip moments ago, and his body had most certainly been up for it.
A sexless night was the least of my problems, and although neither of us spoke, I knew he slept as badly as I did. We tossed and turned, our movements as disturbing to each other as our individual worries. We both had bloodshot eyes when we woke.
I headed off to the Otherworld as soon as I could after breakfast - well, after what passed as breakfast for me. My appetite was still low. Jasmine wasn't happy when I denied her request to come with me, but Kiyo and Volusian's presence was too daunting for her to put up much of a fight.
I felt the Thorn Land's welcoming energy when I crossed over, but thankfully, it revealed nothing about my maternal state. My staff was equally happy to see me, particularly Shaya, who looked like she'd thought I wasn't ever going to return. It wasn't an entirely unwarranted fear. She and I sat alone in one of the parlors while she updated me on the situation.
"Rurik feels the Rowan Land is stable enough to move in a governing body. There's still some unrest, and he'll stay on for a while, but most have accepted your rule. It's the way things go. He's also culled the Rowan military and feels you can trust who's left. "
I tried not to grimace at that, wondering what his "culling" had entailed. "And Katrice and Cassius?"
She shrugged. "Still imprisoned. Awaiting your verdict. "
"I don't really want to do anything with them," I admitted. "I don't know what to do with them. "
"Honestly? With Katrice? You could set her free, and it wouldn't matter. Stripping the land from her stripped most of her magic. Her reason to live. She's harmless. Without hope. But Cassius . . . " Shaya frowned. "He's dangerous. He can't wrestle the land from you, but he's got enough power to make trouble. Dorian's already written and advised execution. "
I scoffed. "I'm sure he has. "
"Dorian's also provided a list of people he'd like to see installed in the Rowan Land. We settled the resources split, but he feels he deserves a controlling interest in your rule there. "
"A 'controlling interest?' This isn't a corporation!" I exclaimed. "Write him and make it very, very clear that his help isn't needed over there. It isn't wanted. He has no right to it. Tell him all of that. "
Shaya hesitated, fretfully toying with one of her black braids. "No matter how diplomatically I word that . . . well, the antagonism will still come through. It'll anger him. "
"Good," I retorted. Dorian was a safe target for my churning emotions at the moment, and God knew I needed some sort of outlet. "Let him be angry or pout or whatever. I'm pretty sure he isn't going to declare war on me. "
It was something I'd figured out recently. Dorian had been an advocate of using the Iron Crown to scare other monarchs, but the thing was, now that we weren't together anymore, he had to realize it could be used against him too. I actually hadn't had to give in to his "spoils of war" demands. That had been a kindness on my part, and he knew it. I didn't have to fear Dorian. I no longer needed him.
"Very well," Shaya replied. Her tone was obedient, but I knew she dreaded that letter. She'd never lost her devotion to him, and I was forcing her to split her loyalties. "But we do need someone to manage the Rowan Land . . . unless you're going to do it personally. "
"No," I said swiftly, not that I needed to. She'd already known I had no interest in it. "Do you have someone in mind?"
"Yes. . . . Me. "
I wasn't exactly surprised that she'd step up to the task. I was surprised, however, that she didn't look particularly upset about it. Maybe she relished the challenge.
"I'm cool with that," I said. "Hell, after what you did around here, I know you can get Rowan into shape. But . . . who's going to run things here?"
"I was thinking Nia could. "
"Nia?" I asked, startled. "My hairstylist?"
Shaya crooked me a grin. "What do you think she does when you're not around? She's been helping me and learning. . . . I think she'd do very well. There'd be others to assist her, and, of course, she could always contact me. "
It was still an unexpected choice, but Shaya seemed confident. And, I supposed, we'd gotten the Thorn Land into good enough shape that it now functioned pretty smoothly.
"Okay," I said at last. "Let's make it happen. When do you plan on moving?"
"Today," she said. "I'll go when you go. My things are packed. "
I couldn't help laughing. "You knew I'd agree. And you knew I'd refuse Dorian. "
Shaya put on her primmest look, but her eyes sparkled. "Yes, Your Majesty. "
I walked the Thorn Land before leaving, long enough to reassure the land I was there and boost the morale of the soldiers guarding my keep. Not that they needed it. We were victorious, and they were still celebrating. I'd donned my gold crown for the trip to the Rowan Land, and my men regarded me with adoration, calling out cheers for their brave, all-powerful queen. What would they do if they knew? I wondered. What would they do if they knew I was carrying a potential warlord? Somehow, it wasn't much of a mystery. They would cheer more. They would worship me and revel in the chance to extend our rule.
It made me eager to go to the Rowan Land, where I was feared rather than adored. Of course, I didn't know if that was any better. If those people knew I was carrying Storm King's grandchild, it would simply intensify their fear and convince them more than ever that they were under the control of a tyrant queen. Kiyo was right, I realized. No one in the Otherworld could know about my pregnancy. Any reaction it drew would be a powerful one. The sooner I could leave, the better.
Borrowed soldiers from the Thorn Land still made up the bulk of the guard at Katrice's former castle, and their expressions mirrored those of their colleagues back home. I played the part, smiling and walking among them confidently, not daring to show the fear and uncertainty I felt. Like the Thorn Land's, the Rowan Land's energy buzzed around me. Only I felt it, of course, but once, when I paused and talked to a guard for several minutes, I saw a small red flower growing where I'd stood. No one noticed, and I hastily headed for the castle, figuring nothing would sprout out of stone walls.
Rurik greeted us happily, having already known about Shaya's new position. As we all converged, I saw something flash between them, something that surprised me. Affection. More than friendly affection. It was then that I also noticed a bracelet Shaya wore, made of emeralds and pearls. I'd seen it before. Girard had been working on it when I first met Imanuelle. It was the piece Rurik had commissioned. I tried not to gape as the truth hit me. Shaya and Rurik. They had a relationship going on, some romance, probably one that had been building right before me that I'd been too oblivious to notice. That was why she hadn't minded taking on stewardship of a kingdom conquered through unorthodox means.
No one else seemed to notice - or maybe everyone already knew about them - but as I stood there and listened to more debriefings, I felt a pang in my chest. It was like Tim and Lara - and not because both couples were so bizarrely matched. No, the similarities came in th
at it was so easy for all of them. Just fall in love and go with it. No political machinations and motives. No world-altering prophecies to muck things up. I'd untangled myself from Dorian's scheming - and not without a fair amount of heartache - but things with Kiyo now were irrevocably altered. No matter how my pregnancy panned out, even if it had as happy an ending as it could, I knew things between him and me would never be the same. I would never have an easy relationship.
Queasiness welled up in me, and I didn't bother trying to figure out which of the myriad reasons could be causing it. I leaned against the wall as Rurik continued speaking about troop placement. Even though it wasn't part of the land, the wall and castle's foundation touched the land, and I felt that magic warm and comfort me. I took a deep breath. I could do this. Everything would be all right, just as I'd told Kiyo. I'd know my child's gender soon. Then I'd know what to do.
My intention had been to stay around longer and make sure Shaya was settled in, but I soon decided I needed to get back. The others looked like they would have liked me to stay a little longer too, but they were also used to my weird - or as they considered them, "human" - ways. I assured them all that I had the utmost faith in them, reminded Shaya to rebuke Dorian, and then headed back to Tucson as soon as I could.
When I arrived home and analyzed how I'd been feeling today, it occurred to me that the transitions from world to world were making me sick. Transitioning wasn't an easy feat in general; some couldn't even do it. I'd grown adept at it, but now, it took its toll, even with the help of a gateway. I understood enough about pregnancy to know these annoying symptoms only lasted for a short time, but that didn't negate their annoyance. I didn't want anything slowing me down. I didn't want to be hampered. My body was turning against me, and Kiyo's urging just to end the pregnancy began to seem like a better and better idea. What did gender matter? I wasn't ready for this.
He was relieved to see me back early and wrapped me up in another big embrace. "Everything's okay?" he asked in a low voice. "Nobody found out?"
I shook my head. "No. And I'm not going back until . . . until this is settled. I'm also starting to think . . . "
"What?" he prompted.
"That you were right. That gender doesn't matter. The test is so close, though . . . I'll still do it. But. Well. Like I said, it doesn't matter. "
Relief flooded his features. "I'm glad, Eug. It's the right thing to do. " He hugged me again, and the hug was filled with more intensity. "You can always cancel the test. "
"No, I'll do it. Especially after the fit I threw with my poor doctor. "
"I wish I could go with you," he said wistfully. "But I'm not sure I can. I'm taking a couple of work shifts. "
Are you? Or are you running off to Maiwenn?
"It's fine," I said. "You wouldn't be able to find out anything that day anyway. "
"But you'll let me know the moment you know?" he asked, staring at me hard.
"The very moment. "
Kiyo might not have been able to go with me . . . but Jasmine did.
Ostensibly, I told myself it was because she couldn't be left by herself. Yet, deep inside, when I really looked at my heart, I knew the truth. I didn't want to go through this alone. I knew what the test entailed, and even if we got no answers today, it was still one step closer to what could be a huge event.
"You can do it, you know," Jasmine told me.
I'd let her come into the exam room with me. It was dimly lit for the ultrasound equipment, and the doctor and tech had stepped out so I could change. Undressing in front of Jasmine felt weird, so I kept my back to her as I put on the hospital gown.
"Do what? This test?"
"No. I mean, yeah, whatever, you'll be fine. But I mean, have the baby. Whatever it is. Even a boy. You can fulfill our father's prophecy. " There was a zeal in her voice I hadn't heard in a while - one I'd hoped had gone away.
Gowned, I turned around. "No. That's out of the question. If it's a boy . . . well, I can't have it. End of story. A girl . . . I don't know. I'm probably not doing that either. " I couldn't help adding, "Besides, I thought you wanted to be the heir's mother. "
Her face was deadly earnest as she considered my words. "I did. But maybe I'm not meant to. "
The staff returned and situated me on the examining table while Jasmine retreated to a corner. They introduced themselves: Dr. Sartori and Veronica the tech. They explained the procedure to me, though I'd already read up on it several times. The doctor was going to - ack - stick a giant needle in me to collect cells and would use ultrasound to guide him. He made sure I understood the risk of such a test. A small percentage of women miscarried. Dryly, I told him I was willing to accept that.
Veronica raised the gown to bare my stomach. As she rubbed gel on it, I stared down wonderingly. Honestly? It looked no different than in the past. I'd always been skinny, and with my lack of appetite, I probably wasn't putting on much weight. If not for my symptoms and Dr. Moore's "very accurate" test, I never would have guessed what was inside me. And what was inside me? My stomach took on a strange, sinister countenance. Again, I had that feeling of my body's betrayal. It was doing things out of my control.
"Okay," said Veronica, moving the paddle to my stomach. "Let's take a look. "
Both she and Dr. Sartori watched a black monitor that had my name, birthday, and a few other stats at the bottom of the screen. When the paddle made contact, the screen flared to life, showing the indecipherable gray and white confusion I'd always seen when people had ultrasounds on TV. I could make no sense of it nor see anything resembling a baby, but sound immediately accompanied the images, repetitive swishing noises, kind of like waves. I at least knew what that meant.
"That's the heartbeat, isn't it?" I asked, a strange feeling crawling over me. Heartbeat. Another creature's heart inside of me.
Neither practitioner answered right away. Dr. Sartori frowned curiously, and Veronica shifted the paddle around to get more views.
"Huh," said the doctor.
"What?" I exclaimed. Two immediate possibilities sprang to mind. One was that my gentry blood mixing with Kiyo's kitsune blood had created some sort of monster. The other thought - one that suddenly offered a world of safety - was that there had been a mistake. The test wasn't accurate, and I actually wasn't pregnant. "Isn't that the heartbeat?"
Dr. Sartori's gaze fell on me, a small smile on his lips. "That's the heartbeats. You have twins. "