Incidentally, I told a friend about this five-year deal, and his response was, “Only five years?”
Food and Drinks, Sex, Social Norms
ON PICKUP LINES AND COMPLIMENTS
“If you could time-travel back to any period in history, would your love for me keep you from going?”
{Illustrations © 2015 William Haefeli}
Dear Dan,
I am happily married and was never much for the bar scene myself. But I do wonder if those cheesy pickup lines actually work. “If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?” and so on. I can’t imagine that anyone would buy such transparently empty flattery but these lines are so common that they must be doing something. Any insight?
—BARBARA
I’m no expert here, but my guess is that these kinds of pickup lines work much better than one might expect. There is some very interesting research showing that we love getting compliments (not a big surprise), that we are better disposed toward people who give us compliments (somewhat more interesting), and that we like those people even when we know that the compliments are insincere (which is the most surprising and interesting finding).
Beyond the insights into pickup lines, the implications of these results should get us to rethink compliments more generally. After all, compliments are free, they make the person giving them happier, they make the person getting them feel special, and they strengthen the bond between the two. So, why not just give more of them? With this in mind, try some pickup lines and compliments on your husband for the next few weeks, and let me know how it works for you, for him, and for your relationship.
Relationships, Appreciation, Predictions
ON THE ILLUSION OF LABOR
Dear Dan,
Early in my career, I wrote a massive Excel macro for the large bank where I worked. The macro (a set of automated commands) would take a data dump and turn it into a beautiful report. It took about two minutes to complete the analysis and the report while an hourglass showed that the macro was working away. The report was very useful but everyone complained that the macro was too slow.
One way to speed up a macro is to make it run in the background, invisibly, with just the hourglass showing on-screen. I used this approach from the start, but just for fun, I flipped the setting so that people using the macro could see it do its thing. It was like watching a video on fast-forward: The macro sliced the data, different parts of the database changed colors, headers titles and graphs were created, and so on. The only problem? Now the macro took about three times as long to finish.
The surprising thing was that when I made this change, my coworkers were dazzled by how fast and wonderful the macro was. Do you have a rational explanation for this?
—MIKE
I’m not sure I have a rational explanation, but I have a logical one. What you describe so nicely is a combination of two forces. The first force is that when we are just waiting aimlessly we feel that time is being wasted, and we feel worse about its passage. This means that the time your coworkers were waiting aimlessly for the macro to do its thing was much more painful than time that was filled with some activity. The second force is that when we feel that someone is working for us, particularly if they are working hard, we feel much better about the whole thing. The point here is that we have a hard time directly evaluating the quality of the output that we get, but evaluating effort is something we do very readily and naturally. Interestingly, this joy at having someone work hard for us holds true not just of people but also for computer algorithms.
I hope that this experience taught you to use this lesson more generally in all your projects, and that with this insight about human nature, you will continue exposing your coworkers to more and more of the effort that technology does for them.
And beyond the lessons for the workplace, it should be clear that the same lesson also applies to your personal life. Whenever you can, work extra hard to describe to those around you how hard you have worked for them.
Workplace, Effort, Appreciation
ON MISERY AND SHARED HUMANITY
Dear Dan,
I travel a lot for work, and I’ve been getting increasingly annoyed with the U.S. way of flying: the waste of time, the disrespect shown to passengers, and the lame excuses for delays that the airlines make right and left. Why are we putting ourselves in this horrible situation?
—DAVID
I’m not sure why we are taking this abuse lying down and not protesting more, but here’s what helps me in the moments when I feel the same as you. First, every time I’m stuck on a runway, I try to think about the marvel of flight and remind myself how amazing this technology is. Second, I try to see the experience of travel misery as evidence of our common humanity. In my experience, security guards and airline staffers are just as rude and inconsiderate all over the world, suggesting that once we put people in similar situations (in this case, the same tiring, trying, and thankless service job), we all turn out to behave in more or less the same ways. In addition to serving as a vivid example of our basic and common human nature, my hope is that as more and more people travel and experience first hand our shared nature for themselves, we will come a bit closer to achieving world peace. Anyway, that’s what I tell myself and, from time to time, it helps.
Misery, Travel, Waiting
ON FLASHY CARS
Dear Dan,
I don’t care about cars, never have. But I’m a sales executive, and people tell me I should own a nice car (BMW, Mercedes, etc.) to enhance my credibility with both my customers and sales team. I can afford either but would rather save the cash and buy a Honda. Does it matter?
—CODY
In essence your question is about signaling. The large and colorful tail of the peacock tells the peahen about his strength and virility (if I can run around carrying this large and cumbersome tail, just imagine how strong I am). In the same way, we humans are concerned with the signals we send to those around us about who we are. Signaling is part of the reason we buy large homes, dress up in designer clothes, and buy certain cars. So the answer to your question is yes. The kind of car that we drive communicates something about us to the world around us. Does it matter? Yes again, because we are constantly reading these signals and making inferences about their senders.
But some questions remain. What kind of signal do you want to send? The BMW signal or the Prius signal? Maybe the signal that you buy American-made? Maybe you want to get a classic car and show people that you take really good care of it (a more subtle signal, but an interesting one). Another question is whether the cost of the signal—in this case, the cost of the car—is worth its signaling value. This depends on the nature of the people you deal with, how well they know you, how often you only have the chance to make a first impression, etc.
In the interest of full disclosure, I should say that I drive a minivan. But now that I am thinking about it, maybe I should stick a Porsche logo on it.
Cars, Spending, Signaling
ON DRESSING DOWN
“It’s gotten so customers won’t take my advice unless they think I’m gay.”
{Illustrations © 2015 William Haefeli}
Dear Dan,
I recently attended one of your lectures, and I was wondering why an Israeli guy telling Jewish jokes is wearing an Indian shirt?
—JANET
In general I am not someone who should be asked for fashion advice, but this particular case might be the one exception. I have a strong preference for being dressed comfortably, but the problem is that in many professional meetings there is a dress code that requires suits and uncomfortable shoes. I have no idea who invented this uncomfortable way of dressing, and I am almost sure that suits were invented and worn for the first time on a dare. But regardless of how suits were invented, here we are.
My solution? I figured that as long as I am wearing clothes from a different culture, no one who is politically correct (and this includes almost everyone in the Un
ited States) could complain that I’m underdressed. After all, any such critic could be offending a whole subcontinent.
Now that I think about it, maybe I should start giving fashion tips.
Fashion, Political Correctness, Happiness
ON EXPLORING THE UNKNOWN
“Which trail has the best cell-phone reception?”
{Illustrations © 2015 William Haefeli}
Dear Dan,
As summer finally gets closer, we are starting to plan our family vacation. For the past few years, we have spent two weeks vacationing in Florida. Should we stick to this familiar plan or try something different?
—MICHAEL
In general, sticking with something well known is psychologically appealing. Our attraction to the sure thing explains why, for example, we often frequent the same chain restaurants when we travel and even order the same familiar dishes and the same flavor of ice cream. Sure, we might enjoy something new more than the sure thing, but we might also hate it. And given the psychological principle of loss aversion (whereby we dislike losses more than we enjoy gains), the fear of a miserable experience looms heavy in our minds and we decide not to risk trying anything new.
That’s a mistake for three key reasons. First, if you think about a long time horizon, say twenty more years of vacations and dining out, it is certainly worth exploring what else may be out there, what we love, and what experiences are best for us, before settling into a limited set of options. Second, variety really is one of the most important spices of life. Finally, vacations are not just about the two weeks you are away from work; they’re also about the time you spend anticipating and imagining your trip, as well as the time after the trip when you get to replay special moments from your vacation in your mind. Among these three types of ways to consume the vacation—anticipation, the trip itself, and consuming the memories afterward—the shortest amount of time is spent on the vacation itself.
Given all this, the short answer is: try something new.
Travel, Experimenting, Happiness
ON TRYING OUT RELATIONSHIPS
“I want to get married and start a family with you—although God knows who I’ll want to finish it with.”
{Illustrations © 2015 William Haefeli}
Dear Dan,
How can I decide if it is a good idea or not to marry my current girlfriend?
—NICK
In general, whenever you can, it is advisable to carry out experiments. This way you get quality data before making your decision. One of the key requirements for such experiments is to carry out the experiment in a setting that is as similar as possible to the situation you want to study. For example, if you want to study how people make decisions online, it is useful to get them to make the decisions on their computers, and if you want to study how people make decisions in a supermarket, it is good to place them in a hectic environment with lots of choices. What does this mean in your case? You are trying to understand how it would feel to be with this person in the decades to come—which leads me to recommend that you try spending two weeks with your girlfriend’s mother.
Relationships, Experimenting, Happiness
ON DIVORCE AND GOOD DECISIONS
“I wish you’d be more supportive of my efforts to divorce you.”
{Illustrations © 2015 William Haefeli}
Dear Dan,
Why is the divorce rate so high?
—JACOB
It is hard to imagine we can be happy with any decision we make even one year down the road, much less when we look back at our decisions five, ten, twenty, or even fifty years later. Frankly, I am amazed by how low the divorce rate is.
..........................
Dear Dan,
I’ve been in a relationship with a girl for almost six years. The passion of those first days, when oxytocin levels were extremely high, is long gone. But I still feel comfortable with her. I don’t know if it’s time to leave or if I should stay and hope the passion returns?
—JD
It is hard to know what is the best thing for you to do given that I don’t know anything about your age, your past experience with relationships, and what “comfortable” means to you.
This said, I suspect that you are experiencing the standard changes in relationships, where initial passion and attraction die off and are replaced by some other feelings (“comfortable” in your case). The question is whether “comfortable” is sufficiently positive for you.
When it comes to “comfortable,” it is useful to consider the economist Tibor Scitovsky, who argued in his book The Joyless Economy that there are two kinds of positive experiences—pleasures and comforts—and that we have a tendency to take the comfortable, safe, and predictable path way too often. This is particularly sad, Scitovsky argues, because real progress—as well as real pleasure—comes from taking risks and trying very different approaches to life and types of experiences.
So, perhaps this is a good opportunity to give up your comfort and give pleasure a chance.
Relationships, Long-Term Thinking, Happiness
ON INVESTING IN FINANCIAL ADVISORS
“You can’t learn the path to financial independence from just ANY infomercial.”
{Illustrations © 2015 William Haefeli}
Dear Dan,
Are financial advisors a wise investment? Mine charges me 1 percent each year for all my assets under management. Is it worth it?
—ALLAN
It is hard to know for sure. But the fact that many financial advisors have many different hidden fees suggests to me that they themselves don’t think that people would pay as much for their services if they charged in a clear and up-front way.
It might help to think about this question in more concrete terms, and contrast two cases: In case one, you are charged 1 percent of your assets under management, and this amount is taken directly from your brokerage account once a month. In case two, you pay the same overall amount, but you send a check at the end of every month from your checking account to cover your financial advisor’s monthly rate.
The second case more directly and somewhat painfully depicts the cost of your financial advisor, providing a better frame for the question of whether the cost is worth it. So, picture yourself in the second scenario, and ask yourself if you would pay your financial advisor directly for these services. If the answer is yes, keep your financial advisor; if the answer is no, you have your next action plan.
Money, Spending, Value
ON JUSTICE AND SHARING FOOD WITH SQUIRRELS
Dear Dan,
I find myself acting irrationally when it comes to squirrels. The rascals climb down a branch and onto my bird feeder, where they hang and eat like limber little pigs. When I see them in action, I rush outside yelling and I take great pleasure in frightening them away. But victory never lasts long. They come right back and the whole insane cycle starts over. My sister tells me that I need to watch Snow White again, to be reminded that squirrels are also part of nature, and that they are not inherently less worthy than the birds I so clearly prefer. Perhaps she is right but I am unable to embrace this perspective. Can you help explain what’s going on with my reasoning, and how I might make peace with the furry marauders in my yard?
—NEARLY ELMER FUDD
It sounds to me that the root of your problem is that you view the squirrels’ behavior as immoral. After all, in your mind the food was placed in the bird feeder for the benefit of the birds, and the squirrels are simply stealing it from its rightful owners. If this is the essence of the problem, the answer is very simple: All you need to do is to start calling the contraption a “squirrel and bird feeder.” With this new framing, the squirrels will just be partaking in a joint dining experience, your problems should go away, and you might even be able to market this new product.
P.S. After I published this advice I received many passionate responses. These included suggestions for different contraptions, discussions of the overall immorality of squirrels, comp
aring the fight against the squirrels to the fight of Don Quixote, and even a detailed analysis of the financial losses to the U.S. economy due to these creatures. Clearly, there is much more to learn and explore when it comes to squirrels.
Food and Drinks, Morality, Giving
ON SOCIAL LIFE AND THE INTERNET
“Don’t look. It’s the people we steal Wi-Fi from.”
{Illustrations © 2015 William Haefeli}
Dear Dan,
What is it about Internet communication—Facebook, Twitter, email—that seems to make people descend to the lowest common denominator?
—JAMES
It’s easy to blame the Internet, but I think we see such behavior mostly because we generally gravitate toward trafficking in trivialities. Consider your own daily interactions as an example. How much is witty repartee—and how much is the verbal equivalent of cat pictures? The Internet just makes it easier to see how boring our ordinary interactions are.
Technology, Social Media, Coordination
ON EXPECTATIONS IN DATING AND HIRING
“Just for future reference, save your private heartache for the third or fourth date.”