I’m as shocked by my words as he is.
I don’t understand how this could happen in one car ride, but as a deathly sombre Brian pulls over in front of Kismet, I already know that I’m getting out. And Josh isn’t.
Chapter twenty-seven
“Isla? Are you okay?” Kurt’s dad is watching me on the camera installed outside their building. I ran all three blocks from Kismet.
“Let me in. Please let me in!”
The door buzzes open and then slams shut behind me. I race up the two flights of stairs to their apartment, and Scott and Sabine are already in the hall. Kurt’s parents refuse to let me call them Mr. and Mrs. Bacon, because they refuse to believe that they’re old. “What happened? Are you okay? Are you hurt?” Their questions all come at once.
“Is Kurt here?” I ask.
“Of course he is here,” Sabine says in a French accent. She ushers me inside with a slender, gentle arm. “He went to bed an hour ago, but he is probably awake. What happened? Why are you dressed up like this?”
I blurt it out. “I’ve broken up with my boyfriend, and I don’t want to go home.”
Their bodies tense.
“Did he hurt you?” Scott undergoes a Hulk-like transformation, which looks peculiar on his strung-out ex-rocker body.
“Yes!”
Scott’s body completes the Hulk transformation.
“No.” I sob hysterically. “Emotionally.”
Scott shrinks back into his natural form. Sabine exchanges a look with him. “Of course you can stay,” she says.
“Will you call my parents? I don’t want to have to explain. Not tonight.”
She leads me to Kurt’s bedroom. “I’ll call your maman right now.” She hugs me, and the comforting familiarity of her violet perfume keeps me in her arms, crying.
Kurt opens his door. “What’s going— Oh. What happened?”
Sabine releases me into his care. I flop onto his unmade bed, and he closes the door behind me. “It’s…it’s over!” I say.
Kurt places a solid hand on my back as I emit huge, gut-wrenching sobs. “Josh broke up with you?”
“No. I broke up with him.”
He’s quiet for nearly a minute. “I don’t get it,” he finally says.
I tell him the story to the best of my current ability, and when I’m done, he scratches his head. “So you broke up with Josh before he could break up with you.”
“No.” My head is swimming. “It wasn’t like that. Or… it was more than that. I don’t know.”
“You’ve never been able to believe that he could like you as much as you like him. You were afraid he’d dump you. So you picked those fights to get a conversation going in which you could dump him first.”
“No,” I say again. But something awful and truth-y stings inside of me.
Still. That doesn’t mean it was wrong to break up with him. I do believe that Josh would have left me, most likely before college even began. But maybe he wouldn’t have until after we were already in New England, already living together. Which would’ve been even worse. My heart couldn’t take it – moving someplace new and strange and then losing the person who’d brought me there. Because eventually, no matter what the circumstances, he would see the real me. Josh is a beautiful, messy, passionate work of art, and I’m…a blank canvas.
There’s nothing here to love.
“You told him that you’re a placeholder in his life,” Kurt says. “So does that make me or Josh the placeholder in yours?”
My attention jerks back to him. “Huh?”
“Now that Josh is gone, you came straight to me. In his place.”
The word gone is a sucker punch, but what he’s suggesting is even worse. “That’s not the same thing. Not at all. You guys don’t…share the same space. You don’t” – I struggle to put it in terms he’d understand – “perform the same function in my life.”
“Because you and I aren’t romantically involved?”
“Exactly.”
“Josh and I don’t perform the same function,” Kurt agrees, “but we do take up the same amount of your time. And you gave him the time that you used to give to me.”
The guilt. I can’t deal with it on top of everything else. A shrill ring from inside the jewelled clutch saves me from having to reply. We sit up, alert. My phone rings again. Kurt pulls it out and examines the screen. “It’s a Manhattan number. Do you want me to answer it?”
I shake my head.
“It’s probably Josh.”
“I know.”
“He’s probably using Brian’s phone.”
“I know.”
“You told me that I should always answer it if I think it might be Josh.”
“That’s not valid any more.”
“Okay.”
The phone stops ringing. A minute later, it blips with a voicemail. I turn off the volume, but I see the Manhattan number call me again. And then again. Kurt throws my phone underneath his bed to curb my temptation to answer it.
“I’m tired,” he says. “Go brush your teeth.”
I brush them with his toothpaste and an index finger, and I wash off my make-up with his liquid hand-soap. My face is a blotchy mess. I ditch my dress and replace it with one of the worn T-shirts from the pile on his bathroom floor. When I return to his room, he’s asleep. I tuck myself up against him, and – all night long – I lie awake and watch the green light of my phone flashing out from underneath his bed.
Forty-two missed calls. Three voicemails.
Merry Christmas Eve.
I listen to the voicemails on my walk home. Josh is angry and sad. He begs me to call him back. He begs me to reconsider. He says he doesn’t understand what happened. It was all a mistake, a misunderstanding. Something we can fix.
He says it over and over and over again.
This is Brian’s phone. I’ll have access to it for the rest of the night. Please call me. Don’t do this to us. I think you’re afraid. I don’t know why – I don’t know what I could’ve said or done to make you distrust me – but for once in your life, Isla, take a risk. Take a fucking risk. If you keep playing it safe, you’ll never know who you are. I know who you are, and I love who you are. Why don’t you trust me?
His voice fills my heart with pain. His words rip it apart.
I believe Josh – that he thinks he loves me. But I also still believe he’s missing the point. Between his expulsion from school and the pressures from his family, he’s too distracted to see that he’s repeating the same mistake with me that he made with Rashmi. He stayed with her for so long because he liked the idea of being in love. He has an empty well in his heart that needs to be filled by someone. Anyone. But that’s not enough for me, and it won’t be enough for him either once he finally realizes the truth.
Brian must have taken pity on him, because a few hours later – after what I estimate to be three hours of sleep on Josh’s behalf – the calls begin again. I don’t know what to do, so I don’t do anything. My fear is paralysing. I turn my phone on silent and hide it in my sock drawer. I hate myself for this.
Josh refuses to be silent. He comes to our house in the evening, and my parents turn him away. A minute later, there’s a knock on my door. It’s Maman. She hands me a small tube. “He wanted you to have this.”
I stare at it.
“What’s inside?” she asks.
“My Christmas present.”
“Was it a nice one?”
“Yeah.”
She sits beside me on my bed. “I’m sorry.”
I cry. She stays with me until I can’t cry any longer.
Christmas Day. Mainly I hang out beside the tree and attempt to read one of my presents. It’s a book about a man-eating tiger, but I can’t muster up any of my usual enthusiasm. My parents don’t ask me to help them in the kitchen, and Gen picks up the extra slack. Even Hattie silently takes over my portion of the dirty dishes.
That’s when I know things are really bad.
I peek at my phone before bed and discover only two missed calls. No messages. Either he’s getting the picture, or he’s respecting my Christmas Tree Agnosticism.
Even thinking that phrase hurts.
“May I come in?” But Gen is inside before I can answer. I drop the phone back between my socks and slam the drawer shut. “I used a desk drawer,” she says. “When my girlfriend broke up with me.”
“Sarah broke up with you?” Now I feel awful about that, too.
“Yeah. Right after Thanksgiving, actually.”
“Did she call you a lot afterward?”
“No.” Gen gives me a sad smile. “I hid my phone for the opposite reason.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
She shrugs. “Doesn’t matter. It sucks either way, right?”
I sit on my bed, and she sits beside me and places her head on my shoulder. We’re the same height. Strangers have often mistaken us for twins. “Do you still miss her?” I ask.
“A little. It’s better every day, though.”
“Why’d you break up?”
She sort of laughs. “Apparently, I’m domineering.”
“I’m replaceable.”
Gen lifts her head, hackles raised. “He said that?”
“No, but it’s true. He fell for me because I was there. I could’ve been anyone.”
“Don’t say that. Why do you say things like that?”
“Because that’s what happened.”
She stares at me in disbelief. “You’ve always been so hard on yourself.”
I stare at my hands. I am hard on myself. But isn’t it better to be honest about these things before someone else can use them against you? Before someone else can break your heart? Isn’t it better to break it yourself? I thought honesty made people strong.
“Hey.” Gen nudges me. “Show me what’s in the tube.” My head shoots up, and she shrugs. “I saw him drop it off yesterday.”
I can’t stop myself. “How’d he look?”
“Like you’d torn out his heart and stomped on it with your tallest stilettos.”
I’m a bad person. I’ve hurt him. I never wanted to hurt him, and somehow it happened anyway.
“Do you really think breaking up with him was the right thing to do?” Gen asks.
“I don’t know.” But I shake my head. “That’s not true. It was right. It was.”
“But you still love him.”
I swallow. “Yeah.”
“A lot.”
“Yeah.”
She pauses. “Would it make it better or worse if you showed me what’s in the tube?”
“Ohmygod. You’re relentless.”
“The word was ‘domineering’. Get it right.”
“Ugh. Fine.”
Gen opens my sock drawer. “I had a feeling I’d find you here,” she tells the tube. She pops off the top and gently taps out the paper. She unrolls it. “Whoa, Nelly.”
Shit. I’d forgotten he drew us naked.
“So. You guys were serious.”
“Please, Gen. Don’t.”
“Is that a Joshua tree? On an island?”
“Yeah.”
“Well…fuck. That’s a really romantic gift.”
“I know.”
“He’s good. The art,” she clarifies. “I mean, he was good when he was a freshman, but this doesn’t look like it was drawn by someone in high school. Not even a talented someone in high school. This is, like, the real deal.”
“Will you please stop complimenting my ex-boyfriend?”
Ex-boyfriend. The word tastes sick on my tongue. I hadn’t even let myself think it until now. Every single part of me wants to take the word back.
“I’m just saying he’s talented.”
“Why don’t you tell me more about Sarah?”
Gen rolls up the drawing and slides it back into the tube. “You win.”
But she’s wrong. I’ve lost everything.
One miserable week and no phone calls later. No messages. New Year’s Eve. There’s shouting and singing and general drunken revellery down on the street. Our neighbours have been blasting dubstep for the last three hours. I’ve been watching television in my bedroom alone. Just like Josh and I talked about on our first date.
Ten minutes until midnight.
Josh and I were planning to meet at Kismet. We were going to ring in the new year with a kiss. I’ve never had a New Year’s kiss.
Nothing about this decision has gotten any easier. That awful word torments me. Ex-boyfriend. I can’t accept it as the truth. I don’t think…I don’t…I don’t know why I’m doing this any more. I think I freaked out that night in the car. I know I freaked out. And I have a very deep, very ugly gut feeling that I’ve made a mistake.
Josh told me that I’ll never know what kind of person I am if I don’t take any risks. Apologizing would be a risk, grovelling would be a risk, begging for his forgiveness on my knees would be a risk.
What have I done? I love him.
Of course he’s worth the risk.
Suddenly, I’m ripping off my pyjamas and throwing on a dress and coat and boots. I’m racing past my sleepy parents in the living room, and I’m shouting that I’ll be right back. I’m ignoring their cries of concern. I’m running downstairs, onto the pavement, across the street. The air is frosty and sharp, and the wind is strong.
Josh, I’m coming. I know you’re there. Please don’t leave.
I tear around the corner, and there it is. My beacon of hope. I race towards its glowing front window, dodging taxis and bumping into a guy being shouldered home by a friend. There’s a loud cry of anger, but I keep running until I burst through Kismet’s shining glass door. The café is still open. But it’s empty.
Two employees are sitting at a table. They look up at my entrance, surprised.
“Excuse me, but is there a guy here?” I’m panting, but I have to raise my voice over the loud rock music blasting from the speakers. “Was there a guy here? About my age?”
A woman with a chest covered in electric-bright tattoos shakes her head. “Sorry, honey. We’ve been dead for nearly two hours.”
In the distance, there’s an eruption of explosions and cheering. Cars honk, people shout from their windows.
It’s midnight.
I run back outside, frantically looking up and down the street, but he’s nowhere to be found. Two college-aged girls run past the café hollering at the top of their lungs.
No, he’s coming. He’ll feel me here, like he felt me the last time.
“Are you okay? You don’t look so well.” The tattooed woman is standing beside me, and her forehead is wrinkled in concern.
“My boyfrie— my Josh. Josh. He’s coming. He should be here any second.”
The other employee, a wiry guy whom I belatedly recognize as pierced Abe Lincoln, pops his head out the door. “You forgot my kiss, Maggie.”
“I forgot nothing,” she says.
“He’s coming,” I say again.
Maggie side-eyes me. “How old are you? Do your parents know you’re out?”
I shoot her a nettled glance. “I’m petite. Not a child.”
She shrugs. “O-kay. But I’m still gonna wait out here with you.”
“You don’t have to do that.” The cold wind howls, carrying with it the continued sounds of celebration. I hug my coat around myself tighter.
“Jesus.” Abe shivers. “At least wait inside.”
They coax me back into the café, and I sit at the table in the window. The one I sat at more than half a year ago. They turn up their music even louder. My ears hurt. I glance at my phone, watching the minutes tick past. Ten. Fifteen. Twenty. Josh hasn’t called me since Christmas Day. Before I can talk myself out of it, I call Brian’s number. It goes straight to the voicemail of a scary-sounding protective service agency. His employer. I leave a message explaining where I am, pleading for Josh to meet me, and then I run outside again as if that should be enough to make him appear.
; He’s not there.
I sit back down, wait until two minutes have passed, and then bolt outside again. I repeat this pattern for an hour. I call again. I leave another message. I look outside, but nothing has changed. Josh isn’t coming.
He’s not coming.
I crumple in the doorway, vaguely aware of Maggie and Abe rushing towards me. It’s the deathblow. It’s over.
Chapter twenty-eight
It’s been a month. Josh never called me back. This gaping, bloody, open wound – the wound that I created – still rubs me raw. I have to keep convincing myself that I was right in the first place, that I was right to break up with him, because it’s clear that he’s realized the truth of what I’ve always feared. That what he felt for me wasn’t love, after all, but convenience.
He’s moving on.
I wish that I could move on. I’m clinging with every last fibre of my being.
At night, I lie awake in bed, pretending that his body is pressed against mine. I close my eyes and imagine the weight of his arms draped across me. Holding me tight. In class, I daydream about placing a love lock on le Pont de l’Archevêché, a bridge near Notre-Dame. Couples write their initials on padlocks and snap them onto the gates as a public declaration of their love. I ache for this sort of unbreakable, permanent connection.
After New Year’s, my father and I took a train to Dartmouth. I didn’t want to go, because how can I possibly say yes to them, even if I am accepted? But Dad wanted me to see the school in person. He’s excited that I’ve applied somewhere unexpected.
Everything was covered in a thick layer of pristine white snow. Dad had scheduled an interview for me, and the encouraging woman behind the desk showed me pamphlets of the campus in the spring and autumn. It looked even more beautiful. She was impressed with my transcripts, and she assured me that a lot of students don’t know what they want to study when they arrive, and I left the interview feeling hopeful and buoyant and alive.